Ella-Grace turns 1 year old- Looking back on her birth story

FLASHBACK! One week ago our baby girl, Ella-Grace turned 1 YEAR OLD! How is that even possible? I know that is a cliche and everyone says it but it is so so true that time just goes in a blink! I feel like it was yesterday that I gave birth to her and she was so tiny in my arms and now she is a almost walking, babbling, playing, adorable and hilarious toddler with 6 teeth, crazy hair and a smile that makes everyone's day! She is honestly such a blessing and I only wish I could relive her first year all over again (although of course I am looking forward to watching her grow- she is SO close to walking!). 

So in celebration of Ella-Grace's first birthday I thought I would look back on the post I wrote about her labor and delivery, comparing how I felt then to how I feel now and just a summary on what is happening with her one year on. I know the last proper update I did on Ella-Grace was when she was 6 months old (I meant to do one at nine months but life just got so busy) and I am going to a blog post about everything to do with Ella-Grace's development and how we are doing etc. I promise! But for today it is just going to be a recap of how her first year has been and how reading her birth story one year on makes me feel and how I view it now. For any readers that maybe started following me after Ella-Grace's birth blog post went up I guess this is a double blog post for you. Woo! 

Happy Reading Everyone! 

                                                                                                                                      

"Baby is sleeping which means time to... blog?

Hello readers, thank you for being patient! The last time I wrote I was part way through being induced with no sign of baby girl arriving any soon and now here I am just put my beautiful daughter down for a nap, I should probably be sleeping but thought it was the perfect chance to at least start writing my labor and delivery story while its fresh in my mind. It was a bit of a crazy one!

Induction process continued...
So last I updated you it was Friday night and labor seemed a long time away as my body was making no changes. Fair to say that changed quickly! Saturday morning wasn't very eventful, I got up, washed my face, brushed my teeth then went to see Reece and my parents in the little café until it was time to be examined (24 hours since they put the peccary on my cervix), nervous but excited I awaited 1pm. 1pm came and went and eventually someone came to check my cervix and.... still 0cm dilated. I almost cried, this baby was never going to get here is how it felt. I was officially the eternally pregnant woman of Aberdeen. I know this sounds silly as the induction process is bound to take a while but with Reece having to go back to work on Monday and me being stuck in a hospital room seeing other women come and go, at the time it just feels that way or did for me anyway.
The nurse told me that in 6 hours they would put in my first Pitocin tablet (a stronger medication that would hopefully move things along!) Disappointed I went again to the café to see my parents, Reece already by my side my mood was far from happy, this process felt never ending! Trying to cheer me up my parents suggested going for a walk as this might help things going so the four of us went for a walk round the hospital.
6 hours passed and the nurse inserted the Pitocin tablet, 6 more hours later (around 2am) it would be time to check it again, I wasn't expecting much but to my surprise.. 1CM!!! I WAS 1CM dilated!! 2am and here I am messaging everyone I know letting them know my progress, it felt like I'd come so far! Another Pitocin tablet was inserted and now another 6 hour wait, hopeful that this would be the last step before labor I forced myself to get some sleep. My baby girl would be here soon!!
Through my happiness of being 1cm dilated though I was concerned as the babies heart kept dropping on the monitor hence why I was stuck on that machine a lot of the time. Although the doctors said it was okay and not a major problem, I couldn't help but have this horrible niggle in my head that something was wrong which later on I was to learn was correct.

Well that escalated quickly...
Again 6 hours had past this now being about 11am. Reece held my hand as my cervix was again checked we were hopeful for a big change.. 1cm and a half. This was so frustrating because 2cm was all I needed to get to in order have my waters broken. The doctor who examined me said that they were going to try and break my waters but it would be difficult, at this point I was so done with waiting so agreed to let them try. Luckily by half 11 there was a space on the labor ward for me to go and get my waters broken, heart in my throat Reece and I nervously went to our newly assigned room with my proud parents taking pictures of us on the way, finally in the labor ward!!
As my midwife went over the process of breaking my waters and starting the oxytocin drip I couldn't help but be distracted by the screaming of the woman next door to me.. if I wasn't nervous before I was now. I was always planning on going through labor on only gas and air now doubting my ability, would I be that screaming woman in a few hours. I had to shove my lunch down through my nerves as this would be all I could eat for the next who knows how many hours.
Gas and Air at the ready, the midwife was ready to break my waters. After a few tries she managed to break into the membrane thus starting my waters breaking. After this my oxytocin drip was put in and things started to pick up fast!

Contractions and Pain Relief...
For those who have never had a baby I would love to be able to let you know what contractions feel like but I cant, the closest thing to it for me anyways is period pains that get worse and worse but even that cant prepare you for it.. not meaning to scare you don't worry you can get through it, your body knows what its doing!
As for pain relief there is obviously many options but for me I had been adamant from the start that I would be only using Gas and Air- this also known as nitrogen oxide, not a pain killer but a very good distraction from pain because it basically makes you feel drunk. I chose this method of pain relief for 2 reasons:
1. I am very stubborn when it comes to people helping me, I want to be able to do things myself for as long as I can and
2. Obviously throughout my pregnancy and induction there seemed to be a problem with baby's heart and a lot of the pain relief (particularly morphine) can slow down baby's heart which usually is safe enough but with the uncertainty on the condition on baby's heart I didn't want to take that chance.

So as my contractions picked up I breathed through them with my gas and air.  My mum and Reece laughing at me between contractions as the gas and air was making me giggle. Contraction. Break. Contraction. Break. This went on for about 7/8 hours with the contractions getting stronger and stronger and thanks to the support of Reece, mum and the midwife, gas and air making me laugh, Beyoncé in the background playing and my stubborn personality I managed to get through it! I like to think I could of continued this way up until I had to push but I didn't get that far as things took a turn.

Baby's Heart Rate Dropping...
Hours were passing and even though I was dealing with contractions as best as I could, with each labor pain baby girl's heartrate was dropping then going back then dropping. Doctors and midwives coming in and out to discuss the issue I couldn't help but worry. To find out what the problem was they tried to take blood from baby's head but I was barely over 2cm dilated so this was not manageable. It was now a guessing game and a decision had to be made whether to continue or have an emergency C-section- this being the situation I had dreaded and through all my hard-work was reluctant to get but baby was all that mattered so when the doctor asked what I wanted I didn't even hesitate to say C-section.

The wait...
Still having strong contractions, my oxytocin drip was detached hoping to stop my contractions before the C-section. My body had other ideas and naturally continued to contract right up until the C-section began. Anyway when the drip was switched off I was told another woman had been taken for a section so I would have at least an hours wait until it was my turn. I wasn't really keeping up with the time but I swear it felt longer than an hour! In and out of contractions different specialists came in to go over the risks of C-section, what could happen if baby isn't okay and how they would assess her downs syndrome risk. As a person obsessed with knowing every detail I had to get things repeated to me as my pain was blocking out the information. Reece knowing me so well he knew what my questions would be before I even needed to ask, so he got all the information I needed. With my contractions still going strong and baby's heartrate still continuing to drop I said bye to my mum, then Reece and I started to walk (well I was wheeled in my bed) to the theatre.

Hello Ella-Grace...
Being strong up to this point, the gas and air was wearing off, I was still getting contractions and Reece had to leave to get changed into scrubs I started to cry. Worried for the welfare of baby girl and without Reece by my side I started to get overwhelmed. Thank goodness for the amazing staff I had performing the spinal block and C-section on me, never in a million years did I think I would be calm in this situation let alone be able to laugh. For this I have high praise of the NHS staff of which were assigned to me.
Reece back in the room now, he was sat by my side holding my hand. All checks done, now numb from the waist down the surgeons started and told us in about 10-15 minutes we would see our baby girl. Reece and I anxiously waited for what felt like forever and to our relief, baby girl let out a massive cry. And so Ella-Grace was born (6 pounds 10 1/2 ounces, Time: 21.57, 19th March 2017). The best moment ever.
We found out at this moment that the chord had been wrapped round not only her neck but BOTH of her legs as well! This being the reason  her heart was dropping, making me even more proud of the decision I made to have a C-section or the situation may have been very different and we wouldn't of had her in our arms moments after birth. The doctor also checked for signs of down syndrome and nothing, even though we didn't mind either way this made us happy as it would then be unlikely she would have other complications. And FINALLY after all the checking I told the midwife to let Reece hold her next to me, I knew it would be an amazing moment for him to hold her first and I just loved looking at the two of them together. My entire world right in front of me, I got Reece's phone and started to take pictures and videos of this special moment. 
Around 45 minutes later Reece went again to get changed and Ella-Grace and I got wheeled to recovery. My beautiful daughter in my arms, this was a surreal moment.

Thank you for reading...
So that's the story of how our beautiful daughter: Ella-Grace, came into the world. Thank you to my friends, family, NHS staff and as always my AMAZING fiancé also now father of our child for all the support! I am very lucky! I hope everyone that read this has enjoyed it and found it interesting. I will continue to blog about my recovery/early days of being a mum but little Ella-Grace takes up a lot of time and attention so please be patient. As always I have been truthful throughout my blog and do remember that all this is my experience and my opinion (for example pain relief) if you decide to do different I totally respect you. Well that's Ella-Grace waking up for a feed  now so I better end this here. Happy Mothers day for tomorrow for all the mothers out there I know I'm looking forward to it being my first of many and for any expectant mothers don't be scared of labor you can do this!"


                                                                                                                                                

Well that made me emotional...

I just cannot believe that was a year ago- I promise I will try and not say that again in this post haha- Reading her birth story and how I felt in each moment it is almost like I am re-living it all over again! I can remember it as if it was yesterday and I think reading it back now I appreciate the whole experience more than I did when I was actually writing it, which is understandable considering how much pain I would of still been in only 1 week after a c-section. 
Looking back on this post now there are a few things that go through my mind. Firstly, wow I am a different person to who wrote this post! Not that I wrote anything I wouldn't write now as everything in this post is true but I just remember writing this and Ella-Grace would of been only one week old and I was a mess with baby blues but you wouldn't of known that reading this post. I later went on to write a post about baby blues that I was very candid in of course but reading this just reminded me of how much I was struggling with baby blues at the time but writing was and still is my outlet and for this moment when I wrote this I was calm and collected before going back to stressing and feeling very anxious! Luckily it got better as most things do with time and although I still struggle with anxiety I do feel a lot more in control, a lot more confident and all round happier. Having a 1 year old can be difficult as Ella-Grace is entering toddler hood but I feel I am no longer a new parent with lots of worries and stresses, I am a bit more experienced and I trust I know what is best for my child. I am a totally different person writing this post today to when I was writing Ella-Grace's birth post a year ago so that is the first thing I thought. 

The second thing I thought of when reading this post back was how truly amazing the NHS staff were, how lucky we are to have Ella-Grace in our lives and how freaking bad-ass women are to be able to go through all that and still suck it up and be great mothers after it no matter our struggles. Ella-Grace's birth was wonderful- totally not what I had planned and it turned into quite the emergency but it was still a beautiful experience as all birth is. I remember I felt a bit disappointed that I didn't get the completely natural birth I wanted and had to have a c-section and honestly sometimes I thought to myself 'Can I really say I gave birth to her when they actually cut her out of me?' and the answer is hell yes! That c-section LITERALLY saved my baby girls life and that was obviously thanks to the amazing surgeons and theatre staff but also thanks to me making that decision and putting myself through major surgery and painful recovery to make sure my little miracle could enter the world safely. So yes past me, you have earned the right to say you gave birth to her as have all my fellow cesarean section mothers out there, as I said we are badass haha. Anyway back to what I was saying (sorry I always go off on such a tangent) Ella-Grace's birth was so beautiful and 1 year on reading this again I just want to re-thank all the amazing staff that helped me through the c-section that I was so scared of and getting my baby girl into the world safe and sound, and of course I want to also re-thank my amazing birthing partners,  my Mum and Reece. Ella-Grace did not have the easiest of arrivals into the world and 1 year on I think I forgot how lucky I was to even have her here but reading this has reminded me that she was very close to not being here and I am so glad she is, SO glad! She is our entire world and I thank my past self for writing her birth story so every year I can go back to it and re-read the most amazing moment of my life and remember how lucky we are to have our beautiful child with us! I will never take her for granted and I will never forget her amazing birth and how well I did because yes, it is okay to be proud of yourself and say that YOU did a good job! 

Thirdly, re-reading this blog post has just made me think of what a crazy year it has been! I honestly cannot believe Ella-Grace was born 1 year ago and how much she has changed! I am so proud of Reece and I and how we have raised her so far, we have done a damn good job as parents and I know some people will read that and think that I am saying I am the best mother ever but I am not saying that because no one is the best it is not a competition but you can do the best by your child and that is where you triumph. It has not been an easy year in the slightest, getting used to being new parents and constantly trying to deal with the next change that Ella-Grace was going through from weaning to teething and more, if you have children you will know all the things that happen in baby's first year it is a lot! It is hard but oh my goodness the reward of having this wonderful little person in your life is the best. She has definitely changed our lives for the better and we thank her for that every day and I hope as she gets older she see's all that we have done for her. This post from 1 year ago has just put all this into perspective. I literally turned to Reece and was like well done! We have helped a little tiny baby who couldn't even lift her head turn into a confident, gentle, animal-loving, happy, funny and just all round amazing little toddler. Yes a lot of that is down to her but I whole-heartedly believe in nurture over nature (I know that is a big debate but lets not go into that right now) and I believe that what we teach our daughter will be the foundations of her beliefs about herself and the world and so far, we are doing a really good job. So well done Reece- because I know you are reading this- you have blossomed from a man who had never even held a baby to being the best dad ever who is not afraid to do silly faces in public and sing songs, who will go to work all day and still get up with Ella-Grace through the night if she needs you just so you can see her/she can see you, who will do anything for his little girl and his soon to be wife that brought his child into the world. I know I talk a lot about how Mum's have it hard which they do but a lot of the time Dad's can be ignored and swept under the carpet. I have seen you struggle just as I have and not nearly enough people have said Well Done to you for what a truly amazing father and role model you are to Ella-Grace so yeah Reece, you are a great dad, well done for getting through a year co-parenting with me haha. That turned into a bit of a soppy post to Reece there sorry but he deserved his moment in the spotlight. I am also of course proud of myself as I have said for bringing Ella-Grace into the world and for everything I have done for her the year following that. Struggling with anxiety and panic disorder I thought I wouldn't be able to cope at times but I have and I have done so well I think. Honestly the past year since writing this post I have become an all round better person, becoming a Mum is the best thing I have ever done it has made me the person I want to be and I love myself. Not going to lie. More people should feel comfortable saying that because self-love is so important! So yes, well done me, well done Reece and well done Ella-Grace! The three of us have had a great year and it can only get better!! 

Birthday Celebrations and Thank You...

Before I close the laptop for the night I thought you would like to see some of the pictures from Ella-Grace's birthday party/birthday celebrations (Disney Moana themed of course) she had an amazing time and it went better than I could of ever imagined!! Our little babe deserved a birthday to remember (although I am aware she will not remember it haha) and that is exactly what she got. So happy with how everything turned out. 

Thank you everyone from personal friends and family to fans of my blog for all the positive energy and support this past year! It is very much appreciated and of course I have to leave a message to the birthday girl herself; There is so much I could say about our little angel but I will leave it at this: 

Ella-Grace Angela, I may have given you your life but my dear you did the same for me. I love you and look forward to you reading your birth story one day. Daddy and I are so in love with you. Happy Birthday babe <3 

Stay Happy Everyone! :)