Thursday 6 December 2018

Our TTC Story: Getting Pregnant with Baby #2

The secret is out...


Baby number 2 is on the way and finally I am able to share this with all of you. Now I can finally explain why I have been absent from the blog and why I have had posts 'pending' for a long time because many of them are about pregnancy and baby number 2, and as you will now read, trying to conceive. 

Before getting into this post I do want to say that this is all just my experience, opinions and emotions. I know that talking about TTC (trying to conceive), pregnancy, fertility, babies etc. can be triggering for some people who have had problems or bad experiences so if you feel this may upset you then please do not read or read with someone you trust to support you. Reece and I are very lucky to have our beautiful 20 month old daughter, Ella-Grace and to of conceived baby number 2 very quickly and although this time round TTC and pregnancy has proven to be a bit tougher that is nothing compared to what others go through and we feel so so blessed. I cannot stress that enough, I am so thankful. I just wanted to make that clear before I go into telling the story of our TTC journey. 

I also know that some people may feel uncomfortable with the topic of TTC because of course that involves somewhat talking about intimacy but that is how a baby is made and it is totally natural so I personally do not think it should be a taboo topic. We need to open up about these things and then maybe others will not feel so alone or awkward about their experiences. But if you are one of those people who do not wish to read about TTC and think it could be too much information then once again feel free to click away and you can come back for another post.  

With all that said it's time to get on with the post, starting with deciding to have another baby. Our last baby FOR SURE. 

Deciding to try for baby number 2 (our last child)...

New parents with our tiny Ella-Grace

Now you will have to forgive me for the blurry details, I may have been planning this post for a while but I am just now (13 weeks pregnant) finishing it off and my baby brain makes me forgetful. So after having Ella-Grace, Reece and I were not certain we wanted more children like some couples are. We were at that moment in time very happy with having just Ella-Grace and for all we knew this would be us set up for life when it came to the size of our family. Not ruling out the idea of more children completely but feeling confident that if Ella-Grace was to be the only child we chose to have that, that would be great and we were happy to have an only child. With this in mind around 4 weeks after Ella-Grace was born I got the contraceptive implant put in, feeling confident that we would not want another child (if ever) at least for the next 3 years which is how long the implant can stay in your arm before needing removed or changed. I decided on this form of contraception after a talk with my midwife and doctor about all the options I had and found this worked best for me. I did not have to think about it at all which is a plus for someone like me who has anxiety and would stress about taking tablets daily and it lasted a long time and as I said we were sure we did not want any other kids for a while if at all. I know that the implant can have some bad side effects for some women, in fact I know a lot of people who chose this and I think out of all of us I was the only one who did not have bad side effects so please do not take this as me recommending a course of contraception to you. If you would like advice on contraception please talk to a doctor not take my word for it as I am not a trained professional, this is just my experience. Anyways so yes from when Ella-Grace was 4 weeks old I was on the contraceptive implant lasting 3 years, until we changed our minds.

20 months old, 6 months left as an only child

Now do not get me wrong, I still think there are pros to having just one child. Many people said to me when I shared that we may just be having one child that it was not fair on Ella-Grace and that she would be spoiled and not have anyone to play with etc. This I do not think is true and is, in my opinion, a very judgemental way to look at a situation. There are many only children in the world and I can guarantee not all of them wish they had siblings and many of them are social and not 'spoiled' as people say. There is something truly special I think about putting all your time and energy into one child, that child being the centre of your world. This is what made us think we just wanted one child in the first place, because we just look at Ella-Grace and burst with pride and I loved the thought of everything I had being put in to raising our little angel and only her. Obviously this is not the path we chose to go down but we still believe this would of been great too and anyone who does wish to have one child, good for you, be confident with your decision and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We however changed our minds, for the following reasons.

36 weeks pregnant with Ella-Grace here 
The first reason being that I really wanted to experience pregnancy again and desperately wanted to have a natural birth. For those of you who have been reading my posts for a while you will know that with Ella-Grace I had an emergency c-section and although I did experience 10 hours of labour with only gas and air, I did not deliver naturally. Which as a woman is something that I am longing to experience. Not every woman does but I do and I think the fact that a woman's body can do that is so magical and although the pain is horrendous I really want to experience a natural birth once in my life. This may not happen obviously, birth is unpredictable and nothing is guaranteed but I am keeping hopeful that I will be able to do this VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I felt the first time around I did not appreciate being pregnant because of how excited I was to meet my first child, I wished it away and hoped that doing it a second time around I would appreciate it a bit more (proving to be harder than I thought but that's a different story). As well as this I know Reece wanted to be able to experience having paternity leave and actually spending some time bonding instead of having to go straight to work as he did for Ella-Grace. Because of a job change paternity leave was not available for Reece and the day after Ella-Grace was born he had to start a new job leaving me a new Mother alone with a new baby after a c-section straight away and Reece, a new dad not getting that bonding time. We both wanted time to get used to being new parents and enjoy our new family unit but never got that so that was definitely something we both thought would be amazing to get out of having another baby.

Another reason we started warming to the idea of having another child is that Ella-Grace is a very social child and loves other children. She is also very gentle with small babies and has not seemed to show any jealousy when I show attention to another child. So, where as some children may not benefit from a sibling or personality may fit being an only child, with Ella-Grace it was almost like she was telling us a sibling would be something she wanted. Obviously she is not really thinking that but we believe she will really rise to the challenge of being a big sister and will benefit. Children change all the time and who knows, she may become a bit more wild and less gentle, she will likely be jealous when baby gets here but in the long term I think in her situation she will love having a sibling. She already cuddles my belly and says 'baby', it is the cutest!

Lastly, we decided we wanted to try for another baby because well, we wanted another baby. I don't know what else to say about it. I have always been very maternal and I just felt in my gut that I was not yet done having children and although Reece at first was not sure he very quickly came to the conclusion that he felt the same and not only that we both automatically knew that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again that this would be our last baby. Being a family of four would be our family unit complete and this time there most definitely would be no changing minds. I know many reading this may say we could 'change our minds again' or 'you never know' but I can confidently say this will be our decision and after baby 2 is born we will be shutting up shop when it comes to baby making. Our reasons for this is a whole other post in itself so if you would like to hear that then please let me know.

So yes, around Ella-Grace's first birthday this conversation of having baby number 2 was opened up and we at first decided to start trying in September 2018, which quickly turned into August 2018 when the only appointment available for my implant removal (just over 1 year after getting it in) was scheduled for 31st July 2018. The reason for deciding to try at this time was so that the wedding was out the way, we were moved into our new home and that hopefully Ella-Grace and baby number 2's birthdays would not be too close together- we conceived Ella-Grace in June 2016.

And so that was the decision made and baby dancing began...

August 2018 (First Month TTC)

Positive Ovulation Test

After getting my implant removed (July 31st 2018) my period started just hours after, which is very lucky as some women don't find that their period return for weeks or months meaning their fertility would not be back to normal, but because mine started straight away we were able to start trying quickly. So after a 5 day period we started 'baby dancing' daily to try and give us the best chance of getting pregnant. Now as fun as 'baby dancing' is, as parents finding the time and energy to 'baby dance' can be tricky especially with Reece working 9 hours most days but we made it work (Ella-Grace sleeping through the night certainly helped). Luckily I was able to roughly track my ovulation using an ovulation calendar and I also used ovulation strips, which you use like a pregnancy test, so I would know exactly when I ovulated. My first positive ovulation test was on the 11th August 2018. We had managed to fit in 'baby dancing' the few days prior, the day of ovulation and few days post, after this we cooled off for a bit as now ovulation had past we were finally in the waiting time. Which is the most annoying and stressful part of TTC, the not knowing and the long wait. For an anxious, control freak like me it was too much to take and I started testing and symptom spotting from 7 DPO (days past ovulation) which now in hindsight was a bad idea. But yeah from everything I had read, every video about TTC I had watched, it seemed like we were guaranteed to get pregnant and obviously when I think get pregnant because I had a smooth pregnancy the first time around I do not worry about anything going wrong.

Symptoms
As the wait went on I felt that I was starting to experience what could be pregnancy symptoms. My breasts were sore, I was feeling sick and more tired than usual.


Testing
First Faint Lines


I started testing as I said at 7 dpo and would test every two days. I became a serial tester and although at the time it felt exciting because I was so sure I was pregnant (based on symptoms and that we tracked ovulation) in hindsight it was a bad idea and I should of waited till closer to the time of my period. The problem is when you have an abundance of strip tests all you want to do is test, test, test especially when you are actively trying for a baby.

So the first few tests looked negative but as they were so early I thought just that, I was testing too early and then around 11 dpo I started to get what looked like a positive strip test. I thought I was imagining things but Reece could see the lines too. No missed period yet of course but I was starting to think I must be pregnant! Nearing when my period is due now and I upgraded from a strip test to a standard test, this showed up positive (I WISH I still had the picture of this test because it was the clearest positive I got but I think I deleted it unfortunately). At this point I was sure I was pregnant.. then I started getting cramps. Thinking nothing of it as I stared at my positive tests. The day before my period was due I went out and bought a clear blue test and that result was not what I had thought or wanted it to be. It was negative. 

Negative result? Confused

After experiencing pregnancy symptoms and getting lines on strip tests and one positive standard pregnancy test I was very confused when the clear blue test came back negative. The next day (the day my period was due) sure enough I got my period. A chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage did not come to mind immediately, I just assumed I was wrong and this was just my period starting. Then after speaking to a close friend who had also seen the tests and experiencing very painful cramps I decided to speak to a doctor. After this chat I came to the conclusion that I may have just gone through a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical Pregnancy 
I did not know how to feel and how to come to terms with the fact that I had gone through a chemical pregnancy. Just as I was beginning to think I was pregnant it was taken away from me yet I was still feeling pregnant (still feeling sick, tired and- the big symptom- I had sore, tender breasts. This symptom was something I had only ever experienced in my first pregnancy and at no other time in my life. It was the biggest sign first time round) but at the same time bleeding? I felt guilty for even caring because others have been through worse and it was so early on was I even pregnant? From what I have learned about chemical pregnancy it is likely that an egg and a sperm did meet in my body but failed to attach to my uterus wall which is why I experienced symptoms and got light positive tests (these tests although consistent barely got darker which is another sign of chemical pregnancy or miscarriage apparently) but then ultimately got my period and got a negative digital. It just was not meant to be this time. It was a hard and confusing time and still to this day I can't really describe how I feel about what happened or how I should feel? Sad, disappointed, guilty and confused. You can probably tell by the quick description of it that I am uncomfortable talking about it, it was a hard time, very confusing but I want others to know that if you think you are experiencing a chemical pregnancy- I get you, I have mixed emotions too. After the bleeding finally stopped, Reece and I tried to pick ourselves up and start again but this time taking a different approach.

September 2018 (Second Month TTC) 

So I started my period/chemical pregnancy bleeding on the 27th August 2018. This lasted for about 5-7 days I think. Hard to remember now as I tried to block out that memory because as I said it was an emotional and confusing time. Once the bleeding stopped Reece was ready to start trying again but every time I thought about 'baby dancing' I just got anxious as now I was scared to get pregnant in case something went wrong. This was my first ever experience in anything even close to a  miscarriage and it truly scared me. I feel so bad saying that because I know so many people who have gone through worse and to me this was almost like I just had my period but the thought that I may have been pregnant and then was no longer pregnant just scared me. What if it happened again, what if I miscarry when I'm further on, what if I have a still birth. I was frightened and did not want to have to deal with this but I did really want another child. I was getting angry with myself for physically being unable to 'baby dance' due to fear and anxiety. Reece of course was supportive as always and was just ready to try when I was ready. The ovulation tests were too stressful for me and so was even checking when I could possibly ovulating so that was also out the window, we decided to try care-free and if it happens it happens. We resumed 'baby dancing' 9th September. The ONLY day in September we had sex (important note). Our life got busy and I had put trying for a baby to the back of my mind. Knowing we had probably missed our fertile window and knowing we only tried once I was ready to get my period and face another month of trying but as symptoms built I started to think otherwise. 

List of symptoms

Symptoms were tricky to spot this time because I was still getting some of them from the month before- after having a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage you can continue to get symptoms for a while after. All September I was experiencing sore breasts and sickness. My emotions were high but due to this month being particularly bad for my anxiety and just having gone through a chemical pregnancy that's what I put this down to. The biggest symptom was a missed period.
I got to the 24th September (I was calculating my period to come every 4 weeks) and there was no period. However I was cramping so still awaiting the arrival of aunt flow not believing I could be pregnant. Another day past, more symptoms arose (breasts looking bigger, food aversions and cravings- I remember going for food with my sister and needing hot sauce which was a craving last pregnancy) and no period. Then another day, no period. And another. Reece was suspicious but was going by what I said so he even was not thinking I was pregnant. At this point we were also preparing to go on our honeymoon in the next few days so were so busy. Then, just to get it out the way and deal with the negative result that I thought I was going to get, I decided to test.

I'm Pregnant! 
That's right, September 27th 2018 (exactly a month after the bleeding started last month) in the Trinity centre bathroom with a pregnancy test bought from Superdrug I found out I was carrying baby number 2. The test line appeared IMMEDIATELY! I had never experienced such a fast result on a test before and I could not believe my eyes! So certain I was not pregnant that I had took a test in a public bathroom and there in front of my eyes was a positive pregnancy test! I immediately took a picture and showed it to Ella-Grace- who had no idea what I was talking about of course haha. Exclaiming to her that she would be a big sister! I was shocked and so happy! I could not wait to tell Reece. I had planned to tell him with a t-shirt I had bought for Ella-Grace the month before that said 'Totally Amazing Sister' on it but the t-shirt was at home and we were in town, literally minutes away from meeting Reece for lunch. There was no way I could keep it a secret all through lunch and wait till he got home to tell him so, when we met up at lunch I pretended I had bought Ella-Grace some new clothes and asked if he wanted to see it. He of course said yes, but instead of pulling out an item of clothing I took out a pregnancy test. I think Reece's words were 'You're pregnant? OMG Really?!" to which I obviously said yes and we hugged. He had the biggest smile on his face it was so sweet. Ella-Grace all the while was very confused and just wanted to go and get some food haha.

And after that goes into the first trimester which will be the next post so you will just have to wait for those details.

Summary of TTC experience...

Trying to conceive second time round proved to be very different to getting pregnant first time with Ella-Grace. It always would of been of course because no pregnancy or child is the same but also because circumstances and mindsets were totally different going into the TTC journey with baby 2. With Ella-Grace Reece and I had just discussed having children and were not actively trying although we were of the mind set that if we were to get pregnant that would be great. And so we did. Not really tracking it, it just happened somewhat unplanned but very much wanted! Where as this time round we had planned it down to the month we started trying and when we needed to baby dance. The chemical pregnancy threw a massive emotional spanner in the works but maybe that was meant to be in a way (I am not the type of person to say that usually but this kind of makes sense in my head), the month after we experienced a chemical pregnancy, my anxiety kicked in which forced us to take up a very similar approach to TTC to when we got pregnant with Ella-Grace ; if it happens, it happens. We did not want to put stress on us or over think it because we knew it could take a while. And it was when we took this attitude again much like the first time around we concieved baby number 2. I whole heartedly believe that when you stop thinking about it, that is when you get pregnant. I don't know if there is any scientific evidence to this or just a hunch but both times I found out I was pregnant was around the time I started thinking 'what happens, happens' and convincing myself I am probably not pregnant- how strange. Obviously different for everyone but just find it so fascinating that even though Reece and I were in two totally different places in life from when we conceived Ella-Grace to when we conceived baby 2, we still managed to conceive them in a similar way. Over all however I am so grateful that our TTC stories with both Ella-Grace and baby 2 have been short and although not at all times sweet, NOTHING compared to what others have gone through and are going through. We are very fortunate to be a fertile couple able to produce children easily, baby number two on the way and our family will be complete. I feel so lucky and undeserving to be in this position when so many others have been trying to start their family for a long time. Very thankful for my babies. Good luck to anyone who is TTC and no matter how you end up starting a family (naturally conceiving, IVF, adoption etc) it will be beautiful and they will be your children. There are all types of families and all have different stories, full support from me to all of you. 

Thank you for reading...

And breathe.. feel like I did a lot of talking (or should I say typing) especially in that last paragraph- just can't stress enough how grateful I am. Sorry if this was more of a chit chat type post rather than an informative l or helpful post. I just wanted to share with you my experience conceiving baby number 2 and that involves a lot of emotions that I can't really put into perfect grammar. If anyone would like a 'TTC tips' post that is more informative then please let me know. I am so happy to be on this journey again (even if the first trimester is not the most fun- more information on that in the next post) and thank you so much for reading. Double thank you for anyone who has been here long enough to read about us conceiving Ella-Grace and baby number 2! That would be almost 2 years of reading my posts and I am truly honoured you even care what I have to say and want to read about me and my life, thank you, thank you, thank you. Next up will be a post all about the first trimester, it has been eventful to say the least. You will all find out the details in due time. Now signing off another blog post from me, Reece, Ella-Grace AND baby 2....

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

1 comment:

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