Anxiety struck again.

Those of you who have read my blog for a while will know that I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder (if you want to read my previous posts on this then feel free- Recovery is possible  /  Anxiety Update ). Most of the time I can deal with it just fine even to the point where my panic attacks are non-existent, but then there are times like the past two weeks where I could literally tear my hair out (and I have before- sounds drastic but that is how bad it used to get, feels like something is in your head that you just want to get out, it is truly horrid). I hide it well, not even purposely it is just an automatic reaction when I am around people. I don't know whether that is because I feel better when I am around friends because I can't overthink or if it is because I don't have time to think too much about things, that is why I think having Ella-Grace changed my anxiety for the better because as a mother you are so focused on your baby you cannot crawl into bed and cry for hours, you have a little life depending on you and that pushes you out of a slump, well that is how it is for me anyways. What I am trying to say is these past two weeks have been hard anxiety wise and panic attacks have been happening often. I know many of you who read my blog really love my honesty especially when it comes to my mental health and these are the posts you want to read which is great for me because it means I can vent which always helps. I am finally feeling like this dip is over- thank goodness- so I am able to share it and hopefully this will get me back into my regular blog posts because I have truly missed they joy I get out of it and all the feedback from you kind readers. First things, first.. where do I start? Well things always go down hill for me when I fall out of routine and that is exactly what happened.

I think I mentioned in my last post that Ella-Grace and I had been suffering from the flu, well that just threw us totally off. All better now but the routine was pretty much gone and although she is still a good sleeper once she gets to sleep settling her has been a difficult task. Gone are the days where we place her in her bed and she soothes herself. I'm not sure if it is a bit of separation anxiety or if like me she is just getting used to the routine again now she isn't ill, but Reece and I have been met with some serious screaming cries just as we enter her room to put her down. It can take up to an hour to get her down (rubbing her back, holding her hand, singing to her) and of course Ella-Grace is my main priority and I would sit and rub her back for 5 hours if that is what she needed (I do try and let her soothe herself but when she screams that way it is just going to make her stressed which I don't want) but doesn't mean it is easy on me especially when Reece is at work. You see from when she was born her cry (I mean her serious cry not a whimper) has been a trigger for my anxiety, my body goes all tense and I feel the sense of 'impending doom' that I associate with my panic attacks. Usually as I said I can manage it fine because she is very chilled out and seriously rarely ever cries but these past two weeks it is like she has changed to be very clingy and hard to settle which means that she has been crying for things she has never cried for before- for example putting her down to play while I cook supper. I know there are some parents who's child has always been clingy and you are probably thinking I am over exaggerating or being ungrateful for how "easy" I have had it but I am not trying to take away from what you have been through this is my mothering experience and how it is going for me, there are ups and downs for everyone they are just not always the same. Anyways so yes that was the first sign of my anxiety getting bad again, Ella-Grace's cry was really grating on me and I found myself getting frustrated with her even though of course it was not her fault which made me feel even worse as the mum guilt set in. With Ella-Grace being extra clingy as I said that meant our routine was completely off, the cleaning wasn't getting done, I had no time to write, just everything was a mess. To some people it may not seem like a big deal, I wish I was one of those people but ever since my anxiety was at its lowest I have slowly but surely found the best way to deal with it and that is by sticking to a routine, knowing what needs to be done at what time of day, no surprises or big changes that I don't expect, everything is planned to a T. I know what days Ella-Grace has certain groups, I know what time we get up, what time she goes down, the times I clean, the time I cook meals, the time I have to bath and get ready, the days Ella-Grace needs a bath, the days Reece is at work, the time he gets home from work, the time I write, what I need to write, what to post on my social media to promote my blog, the list goes on and to some people this would sound crazy, how can you plan all that every week? Why not go with the flow? Because I can't. If I do that then I just breakdown. So sorry if you message me for a last minute plan, I am most likely busy because I plan things far in advance. So even though we were all better, the routine was all a mess and that in my head means I am failing. Failing as a mother, failing as a fiance, failing as a blogger, failing as a person and that is when I hit rock bottom. So many people say to me "you seem to have it all together" and I smile and say "yeah I love routine" which although true it does not mean it is easy and as soon as that routine slips the smallest bit, as soon as I am late to a group or forget to brush Ella-Grace's teeth, I breakdown and my anxiety forces me to brand myself the worst person alive. At this point, cue the panic attacks.
Panic attacks, as I have said before, are the worst. In fact I have been sitting here for half an hour trying to write this next paragraph and getting panicky because I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense because anxiety doesn't make sense, it is irrational and scary and just overwhelming. Honestly writing this is giving me stress because I don't feel like I am doing a good job in explaining anything and I really want to help those who are going through the same thing but I just feel like I am rambling. Ugh. I am sorry. 
Anyway, I am going to try and power through. The past two weeks with Ella-Grace being fussier than usual and my routine being non-existent my anxiety has been on the edge on top of that planning a first birthday party and a wedding all at the same time just took its tole and I found myself many nights just crying and feeling so low. Which is frustrating because its a happy time, this year is full of events that I will be sure to remember for the rest of my life and I want to enjoy them, planning and all, I don't want to be feeling low when I could be enjoying my daughter playing or writing blog posts or wedding planning with Reece. These are all fun things but during these past two weeks all of it just seemed stressful and to be honest I felt like I was a burden on everyone. The worst it got was Reece came home, Ella-Grace wasn't settling, supper wasn't made, the flat was a mess, I hadn't showered in days, I had snapped at Reece on the phone because I was stressed and I just felt so alone, I couldn't breathe. Panic set in. Reece (being the lovely man he is) came in helped me settle Ella-Grace and gave me a cuddle which yes made me feel better for a bit but every night for those two weeks I was feeling like I couldn't cope. The thing is anxiety makes the smallest thing seem terrible and to me if I am not on top of every little part of my life (which obviously isn't neccessary) then I just feel like a faliure. I want to be superwoman and when I don't feel like I can be that, the world is ending in my head. I cannot describe to you the feeling, it is how I imagine drowning would be. Everything is weighing down on you and you can't breathe. 

I am now feeling much better and we are back to routine. The past few days I have felt like superwoman, everything has been getting done but still today (as I mentioned) have had a dip because - shock- I haven't been in routine. I just have to take it a day at a time and try to remember the positive and what I have accomplished which is also my advice to everyone else who is struggling. 

And breathe. Now that is out I feel a bit better, sorry if it made no sense I just needed to ramble. Thank you for reading I hope this has made you feel less alone if you too are struggling with anxiety and please comment or message me your experiences, how you have been doing and how you cope. I would love to know. I am now hoping to get back to my regular blog posts now I am out of the funk I was in, thank you so much for being so patient. I will always have anxiety, I will always have good and bad days but that does not mean it has to rule me or my life. I am in control, I can battle this and no matter what my anxiety tells me, I AM a good person and I DO deserve happiness. 

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

Ella-Grace's 6 Month Update!

Sorry its late...

Hi there readers! I hope everyone is doing well and welcome back to LauraJane Life! Today I will be writing my baby girl, Ella-Grace's 6 month update! She actually turned 6 months last week and I had said I was going to have the update up then but life happens, I was very busy and to be honest it is hard to find time to write now with Ella-Grace being awake a lot now (will tell more about this below) and when it gets to the evening I am shattered, I can barely get in time with Reece never mind writing. But not to worry her 6 month update is finally here and I am hoping to get back on track, hopefully scheduling time so I can write a post once a week. We will see how that goes haha. Happy Reading!

Ella-Grace's bit...

"Hi everyone! It's Ella-Grace again. The past 3 months since my Mummy wrote my last update have been so much fun! I have learnt so much and tried new things like food.. proper food not just my milk! Mummy has helped me get into a good routine and we have lots of fun everyday, at home and at our groups where I get to see all my friends and sing lots of songs! Daddy still works lots but he is always home to give me a bath and do my bed time routine, his days off are the best ever! Daddy is so funny! I love having Mummy and Daddy home with me, they are great and the three of us have so much fun! I love being tickled, swimming, bath time, music, playing with my toys, watching Moana, Paw patrol or Thomas the Tank Engine, bouncing in my bouncer, rolling around and eating yummy food! I don't like afternoon naps (they are boring) and I don't like banana, it is yuck! I will let my Mummy tell you the rest!"

How has it been 6 months?!...

Our baby girl, our precious Ella-Grace is 6 months old! That's half way to 1 YEAR old! I just can't believe it. Becoming a mum is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am so proud to be the Mama to such a wonderful little girl. She has made mine and Reece's life so bright and happy, there isn't a day when she doesn't make us laugh and we are constantly mesmerized by her massive eyes! Although I am scared for the future -the world isn't always a kind place and I think for every parent that is a scary thing when bringing up children- I like to think if I do the best by my little darling, teach her right and always show her how loved and important she is, she will always see the good through the bad. As her first Halloween, first Christmas and first birthday are now in the near future I am looking forward to cherishing every moment. The past 6 months have been magical (and of course difficult but she is so worth it).

Feeding...

I am not going to go into too much detail for this one as my last blog post was all about weaning and her feeding routine so that pretty much covers it (find it on my homepage if you would like the full weaning story so far) but I am going to write a small summary and things we have tried since I wrote that post. Well we decided to start slowly weaning at 4 months (which I know isn't for everyone but it has worked wonders for our little girl so please respect our decision) and now being 6 months she has 3 small meals a day as well as her lacto-free formula. We have decided not to give Ella-Grace meat as we do not eat it and we buy plant-based milk which she will eventually be given instead of formula, which we would of been doing anyway even if we weren't a plant-based milk family as she is lactose-intolerant. Again not for everyone but we are happy with our decision and she is thriving on it. 

I make all her food at home apart from her fruit pots (Organix) and she is also enjoying her wafers (Kiddilycious). This week Ella-Grace has tried a few new things that I never got to mention in the weaning blog post, this is including strawberries, tomato, toast, peanut butter, banana (which she hated) and hummus (her favourite, which is great as it is a great form of protein!). I am so happy with the way her weaning is going she is always willing to try new things and most of the time will eat it- apart from banana, like her Daddy she does not like it haha. For her full meal plan please see my last blog post, it has changed a bit since adding hummus and toast to some of her meals but it will give you the main idea.
-Just to add she literally just tried Mushroom Soup and loved it!- 

Sleeping...

Oh how lucky we are! Ella-Grace sleeps all night! From 8pm to 6 or 7am. I am so sorry if you are a mum or dad reading this dealing with a baby who cries all night (I take my hat off to you) but I am being honest, she sleeps all night. She has been doing this for a while now, ever since we moved her into her own room at 5 months old. We wanted to wait till she was 6 months but she has grown out of her small cot in our bedroom and it was like she was telling us she wanted to be in her big crib as she started to wake up more often in our bedroom. So we tried her one night when she turned 5 months and since then she has been out the whole night (with a little help from her favourite Moana, we always play the songs to help her sleep). 

Napping during the day however is a different story. She was in a great routine with her feeding and her naps and she still is but when it gets to about 3pm, after her second solid food meal of the day. She refuses to nap! It has only been like this for a few days so I am hoping she will go back to her normal sleeping routine soon but yeah she has been refusing to nap and it will take me at least 2 hours to get her down, usually after moving her from her bed to the sofa to mine and Reece's bed and blaring Moana as loud as I can. If we are out and she is in the pram she could probably nap but this is usaully the time of day we are back home after our groups in the morning so I just have to keep going until she falls asleep- most likely in my arms. This can be hard but at least she sleeps at night that's the main thing for me and I am hoping this afternoon moodiness will blow over. 

Teething...

She has no teeth yet but oh yes teething has definitely started! We have a few things we use to help her teething (let me know if you would like a blog post on this) and they seem to work quite well but we are just waiting for the teeth to actually come through as I can see when I look at her gums that there are definitely a few teeth just waiting to pop out. Not much to say about that at the moment. 

Development...

3 months might not seem like a lot of time Adult wise but oh my goodness a lot can happen developmentally for a baby in three months! Ella-Grace can now roll over, sit up unaided, pass toys from one hand to another, bounce very actively in her bouncer, feed herself to a certain extent and the best thing of all... she says Mama! At first I think she just said it as a noise but then I noticed she started to say it when I put her down or when we were doing something she didn't want to do- getting dressed for example- so I do think she knows that I respond to Mama but not necessarily that its me. Either way it is very cute and Reece is very jealous she hasn't said 'Dada' yet. 

We are still working on the crawling, she doesn't seem to have much interest in it. Everytime I put her on her belly she just rolls over. We will keep trying though. She does seem a lot more interesting in walking however, she always wants to stand up and seems to try and walk when I am holding her up. So that one is a wait and see. She is doing so well for 6 months anyways and the health visitor and doctor is happy with how she is doing. We also took Ella-Grace swimming for the first time when we went down to Newcastle which is her new favourite thing to do! Our little water baby!

Bonding...

Amazing! Not much more to be said, the bond I have with Ella-Grace is amazing! She literally is my best friend, there is no one I would rather spend my time with and she literally makes me less anxious even if parenting is one thing I get anxious her smile makes it better. The way she says Mama and kisses me in the morning, I can really see now how much she loves me. It is just the most magical feeling when your baby shows affection to you. 

Reece's bond is just as strong. As I said in the last update it is a different bond as she gets to miss him when he goes to work and you can really see how happy she is when he walks in the door. When he is home it is like she is aware that he could go to work any minute so she really wants her Daddy and loves to play with him. Both our bonds with our daughter are great which I think shows what a great bond me and Reece have as well, the three of us are a really good unit. Love my little family.

Allergies and Illnesses...

So if you have read previous blog posts you will know Ella-Grace is lactose-intolerant and struggles with eczema. Both of which are managed and she is doing fine. The past week we have also realised, like her dad, she has an allergy to dogs. The doctor said it can't be confirmed as they would not put a baby through a blood test for that reason but judging by her reaction around my mums dogs it is likely she has an allergy to that type of dog at least. Time will tell whether it is an allergy to all animal hair or just dogs. Ella-Grace also suffers with hay-fever, which again is managed. All these things could potentially mean she has asthma as well according to the doctor especially as Reece has asthma too but again only time will tell, she currently has no symptoms of being asthmatic. 

My poor baba lots of allergies unfortunately but still a very happy and content baby. 

As for illnesses, we are lucky and Ella-Grace has not been ill apart from for about two weeks now she had a cough but we took her to the doctor and they said she was healthy just had a tickly throat and to give her cough medicine. We have been giving her that and her cough has seemed to settle. 

Hopes and Fears for the next 3 months...

For the next three months I hope that Ella-Grace will learn how to move around, what ever way that may be. Crawling, shuffling, whatever I just can see she wants to move about and I would love that for her but we will just have to wait and see. I hope weaning continues to go well and our little darling stays happy, healthy and content. I guess I am hoping for a little tooth to pop through soon, will be so cute to see her with a little tooth haha. 

I don't have much fears for the next few months apart from the constant fear I am not doing this parenting thing right but as long as she is growing and staying healthy, I know I am doing a good job! 

Till next time...

Thank you so much for reading! I will try get the next blog post up soon, not sure what that will be. I would just like to add that this is my 30th blog post (I can't believe I have wrote 30 already!) and I want to thank everyone for the amazing support! See you soon everyone, don't forget to follow my social media pages for daily baby pics, inspirational messages and blog updates. To finish off here are some of my favourite pics of the pregnancy, birth and life of our amazing Ella-Grace so far....

Be kind to each other and as always....

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

Anxiety Update: August Breakdowns but Positive for September

IRONIC!

Before I start I would just like to say that I just finished writing this post and was just about to publish it then it all erased and now I am starting again... Oh the irony of how venting this to help my anxiety actually could give me so much of it because of it being deleted LOL! Back to the actual blog post. 

Back to basics..

Right Guys, I'm going back to basics for this blog post and letting my thoughts/feelings take over, so sorry if this post is a bit ranty (not a word haha) and random. I love all the content in my blog but for the past few blog posts I feel there has been some blurred lines. Most of you know as well as writing my personal blog I am a freelance writer mainly for BabyGaGa.com. Because of this I feel that my most recent blog posts although interesting and still me, sound a bit too much like articles which is not what my blog is about. I started my blog as a venting place for me and for other people who might be able to relate to my experiences to not feel alone. So that's exactly what I am doing today, venting! I need it! August was a particularly anxious month for me, I didnt talk about it at the time as I was dealing in it in my own little way but now I am in a better head space I can let it out, I know this is the majority of my readers favourite things to read and you all love how honest I am so hopefully you won't mind this back to basics rant. 

Whats been going on and how I've been..

So at the start of August, right before my birthday which is the 5th, I could feel that my anxiety and panic disorder was starting to play up. I knew this because I was starting to get stressed about little things, get short tempered with Reece (sorry babe) and it sounds weird but its almost like this feeling of tension comes on me and I feel constantly not relaxed. 

-Side note for those who want to read my full anxiety and panic disorder story please feel free to go to that post then come back here for the update- 

Anyways, yeah I was feeling this constant anxiety again and I knew that was bad. Although being a mum obviously comes with stressful times, Ella-Grace always keeps me busy so that actually helped because I would have no time to overthink all the little things that my anxiety brain was pestering me with (thanks for keeping mama sane baby girl, kisses!) Then Reece comes home, Ella-Grace goes down to sleep and I start to get very anxious, evening/night is always the worst for my anxiety in my experience. Night time equals overthinking time. I started to overthink about all the things I had to do: tidy and clean flat, have a bath, write articles ect. or the main thing my anxiety tackles now: my mothering ability. Which is crazy since I just posed a blog post about how I know I am a good mum but that is just the thing, anxiety is NOT your friend and makes you think irrational things which get you very down. Anyways all this lead me to be very anxious. I haven't been this way with my anxiety since way before I was even pregnant with Ella-Grace apart from baby blues but even that was different to just my anxiety playing up. So this almost felt like a test. Would I resort back to the dangerous ways I used to do to deal with my anxiety or would I keep strong and deal with these feelings healthily. Thankfully I am proud to say I kept strong and dealt with these mini breakdowns well. IMPROVEMENT YAY! In no way does this mean it was easy but I got through it. 

So when I was overthinking yes there were tears, yes I had to just sit and breathe through it some nights not getting the things done I would need to get done. But I was dealing with it and coping. Reece could also tell obviously that I was having a tough time but he knew I was doing okay so it was all good. 

Then the first major panic attack hit and that was the real test.

First big panic attack..

When I used to have panic attacks I would pace, cry and hyperventilate.. and that was a minor one! As for big ones, OMG! I would not wish that on anyone. It feels like everything bad that could possibly happen to you is going to happen to you in that moment (impending doom) and you just can't function! So as I said how would I deal with a major panic attack now after all this time. Well I found out, unfortunately it had to be on my birthday. 

So anyone who knows me (Reece tells me all the time haha) I am a bit of a control-freak and I love routine and planning. But when your 21st rolls around so things aren't the normal routine and surprise celebrations are happening meaning I didn't know about it or could prepare, my anxiety was bound to be a bit wobbly. I mean I loved it, surprise party was amazing and I am so grateful! But my anxiety brain, no no no she does not like! 

It was the morning of my birthday. Reece and Ella-Grace woke me up and gave me gifts and cards. I had breakfast and had a bath, things started off happy and chipper like a birthday especially your 21st should be. But then it changed. 

My hair and make up didn't look how I wanted and for some reason Reece and family were trying to convince me to get dressed up (now I understand it was for the party but at the time I thought we were just going to my mums so I said no and was getting frustrated). Getting more and more stressed now I started to have a panic attack. Saying things like "Why is everyone trying to get me to dress up", "I have no time to change now", "Everything is going wrong", "I look ugly, "I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone", "Worst Birthday Ever!". All these things of course not true and writing that now makes me cringe and I feel so guilty I ever said those things. Poor Reece had gone to so much effort to make my birthday morning happy and (unknown to me) plan a surprise party and here was me having a panic attack and snapping at him. Must be hard to deal with for him too. I am so grateful and never take anything for granted but when your in that negative head space, it just feels like the end of the world. I am just lucky Reece understands to just let me get it out my system and that I am actually really grateful. 

I tried to cheer myself up and make happy memories by getting pictures of me and Ella-Grace but my anxiety kept telling me I looked dreadful. Although I eventually cheered up, the party was great and the amazing fiance Reece is he sneakily packed an outfit for me to wear (honestly adore him) that birthday will still be tainted. That's the thing about anxiety is ruins even the best times. Focusing on the good parts helps and I aim to stay positive but it does bug me, I wish I could of just you know NOT had a freak out. 

And the second panic attack...

A few days after my birthday Reece had planned for the three of us to have our first family trip down to Newcastle! It was an overall fun trip but of course anxiety had to show her face and my 2nd major panic attack of that month took place.
It was our second evening in Newcastle and after a bit of shopping we thought we would take Ella-Grace back to the hotel room for a nap and I could quickly get changed (into the new outfit I just bought) for my birthday meal that we were going to that night. We had heaps of time so we were also going to go to the museum. A great plan right? Not when anxiety is involved.
Makeup looked good, Ella-Grace was napping. All was well. But then my outfit didn't fit and all I had with me was what I was wearing (which Ella-Grace had managed to make a mess of) and a casual shirt that I brought with me (which was nice but we were going to a fancy restaurant and for once I wanted to be able to dress up and look nice). Reece being the calm and rational person he is simply suggested "Why don't we just go back into town now and you can pick another outfit, get changed and we can carry on with our plans?" Great idea, but I was already having a panic attack. "I can never look nice", "You and Ella-Grace should go without me", "I've ruined the holiday", "We have no time now!" All these things I was ranting at Reece for about an hour, pacing the hotel room. Getting upset just thinking about it. Reece went to all the trouble to plan our first family trip and here was me having a panic attack over an outfit and although I know I can't help it and Reece understands I feel like I must be so hard to be with.

-Had to stop writing got too upset. Reece reassured me I am not a terrible fiance. Now I'm back- 

Anyway, after freaking out for an hour and a half I forced myself to go into town but now only time to go to the shops for half an hour before our meal.  I ended up doing exactly what Reece suggested in the first place.. ugh! So frustrating!
Of course we had a lovely time but again my anxiety tainted the experience and left us with less time to do the things we wanted to do. It really is a struggle sometimes and I really wish I could just snap myself out of these panic attacks but unfortunately I can't.

Improved but not perfect...

I am proud of myself because I did not resort back to the dangerous ways I used to deal with my anxiety. Although waiting out my panic attacks can mean I am feeling anxious for longer, when it is over I feel so much better instead of feeling better for 5 minutes followed by more anxiety. 

I still have a long way to go and I am going to meet with my doctor to discuss these panic attacks soon as I do want to improve more. I hate some of the things I say when I am incredibly anxious ad I wouldn't want Ella-Grace to hear me say anything negative. I want to be her role model and by fighting my demons I hope that is what I am being. 

But focusing on the positive I am proud of how far I have come and if I am ever feeling anxious when it is just me and Ella-Grace I am proud of the fact I can just fight through and put on a smile for my little girl, being her mum is top priority and I know even with my anxiety I AM doing a good job (can tell I am not anxious right now or I would be saying the opposite haha). Staying positive, staying strong and I will get there eventually. 

Positive for September...

Not letting my August breakdowns keep me down, I am looking into September with a positive mindset. Yes I am sure I will be anxious (it doesn't go away) but I will get through it and things will only get better! So far I haven't had any anxiety or panic attacks so that's a good start! Ella-Grace turns 6 months old this month, that is amazing! She definitely keeps me going and the support I receive from my darling Reece is amazing, so lucky to have this little family! Happy September hopefully!! 

-Proof-reading this as I finished it the other day and I just had a panic attack. But still positive! Try again tomorrow!-

I'm happy you don't get it...

To the people who think I am being dramatic or attention-seeking. The people who don't understand. Good! I am so happy you don't understand I would never wish the feeling of a panic attack or major anxiety on anyone because it is horrendous! But please respect those who do deal with it because trust me it is real even if it is not your reality. 

Advice...

For those who do relate and are maybe going through a tough time with anxiety, panic attacks, depression or another mental health issue. You are strong and will get through this tough time! From my personal experience this is my advice.. 1. Seek help from your doctor. This is scary I know but they are there to help and see this more often than you think. They can put you in contact with groups or therapists that could help you. All totally optional of course but please just reach out. 2. Make sure the people around you are positive and don't make you feel worse. You need a good support system in place. If they give you negative vibes and refuse to change to help your recovery, I am sorry but cut them out your life! You need to be happy and healthy and some people unfortunately can be toxic to that. and lastly 3. STAY POSITIVE! Yes its cliche and easier said than done- I have the most wonderful little human in my life and even I struggle to stay positive but looking at her little smile gives me hope and keeps me strong- it is possible. Find the something that makes you happy, positive and gives you a glimmer of hope and cling to it. Whether it be a person, an animal, a hobby or an object. Positive is key. Your presence in this world is important, never forget that!! 

Till next time... 

And the rant is over! That feels like a massive weight off my shoulders! Thank you for reading as usual, I hope you enjoyed reading my anxiety update. Until my next blog post why not read my latest article (link below) and don't forget to follow my social media for updates on my life/lots of cute baby pics! (links on homepage). How was your August? Stressful or Chilled out? Comment below.

10 Things That Happen To A Babies Body That Is Normal And 5 That Aren't 

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Recovery is possible: Overcoming anxiety, panic attacks and other mental health issues.

Take a Deep Breath and here I go...

I can't believe I am writing this. For my whole life I have kept this very private, secret even (apart from the minor details) but it is in no way something I or others who experience this should be ashamed of so for that reason I am sharing my story and encourage others to do the same. Let us help each other and fight the stigma of mental illness.
As you can tell by the title of this blog post, today I will be writing about my anxiety and panic disorder as well as other issues that I have experienced through this. Some things I am going to write not even close family know, but I feel now I am of sound mind and my mental health is the best it has ever been it is time to tell my story to hopefully help others and as I have already mentioned, end this silly stigma surrounding mental illness. So here it is, a genuine and candid story of suffering and then recovering from mental illness.

Warning: This post goes into intense detail of my struggles with anxiety, panic attacks and more. If you feel this might upset you this post might not be for you, if this is the case please skip this post and check out one of my other ones that might interest you more. 

Public knowledge... 
I have Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is public knowledge, I was diagnosed 2 years ago (although I have been suffering from it my entire life) and since then have not kept it a secret that I suffer from this and anyone who knows me personally has probably seen me in my bad times or at least had a discussion with me about this. For those who don't know much about Anxiety and Panic Disorder, the best way I can explain it to you from my experience is that I have CONSTANT anxiety and worry about everything, some being rational (this is the normal kind of anxiety) but a lot being irrational (this causing anxiety disorder). Because of this anxiety I have it causes me to have panic attacks, panic attacks for me start of with me being anxious about one thing then it builds up until I have a feeling of impending doom (like something terrible is going to happen) and that there is the peak of the panic attack where I start to either cry, pace, hyperventilate or sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I cant function, I just have to sit down and I can just about breath but that is it. Panic attacks can last for hours, luckily now I know signs and triggers so can easily diffuse one (usually) but a year or so ago it would be so bad I would end up in hospital or I would go to drastic measures to make it stop which brings me to my next point, the secrets.

My secrets are out...
So as I said anxiety and panic attacks are no secret of mine but the way I have dealt with them in the past or just how low I have got through my disorder I have kept secret from pretty much everyone, even family. Reece is the only person who knows everything until now so here it goes.  Since I was about 16 till about the end of 2015 I self-harmed. Just typing that is scary but as I've said these things should not have to be hidden and I refuse to hide it anymore. I don't really know where to start with this I have never told my whole story before to anyone but I'm going to try my best.
I started off light, I would break the blade out of my razor and just do little scratches, just one at first. I cant explain the reason except when you are having such bad anxiety and especially if it turns into a panic attack you will try anything to get it to stop and the best way to do this is distraction. Now I always tried to distract myself in other ways (watching TV, reading etc. ) but sometimes my anxiety, like a little mean voice in my head would take over and the only way I felt like I could shut that voice up and in a way punish myself for being a bad person (this was what my anxiety always convinced me of) was to inflict pain upon myself. And for that split second of pain, that voice would be gone as your mind is too busy focusing on the pain. But that's exactly the problem, it distracts you for a second and when that second is over that's it back to anxiety and panic and now you have the added stress of that little voice going "why did you do that?" "how are you going to hide it?" "Your such an idiot!" "Everyone is going to hate you". In this deep anxiety you can't think straight so your irrational thoughts convince you to cut again, cut deeper, then one cut turns into an arm full until your sitting there in pain, regretting it and by then you have bled and cried so much you just go to sleep. Now this progression from lightly making one scratch to cutting a lot happened gradually to start with but once I moved out and started going on nights out where alcohol was involved (which is a depressant in itself) is when it got really bad. Thankfully Reece stuck by me otherwise I don't know where I would be today.

The darkest time...
Just a warning again before you keep reading. If you cringed at the paragraph before this one or it is making you feel sad STOP READING!! I have written this so people can relate and hopefully myself and others wont feel so alone in this, I do not want hate or to cause anyone any sadness all I want is to tell my story and show others that there is light at the end of the tunnel so if you are here because you want to know there is light then please keep reading. This paragraph as I have said explains the darkest time in my life but it IS followed by recovery!
By 18 years old I had been self-harming on and off for about 2 years and I was now moved in with Reece. We had so many good times in the first flat we had, lots of laughs and fun, I loved living with Reece then and I still do now. But in between all these fun times I always had bad times usually when I was alone in the flat, multiple times Reece would come home to me crying, having a panic attack with cuts on my arms. He has always dealt with it so well so many times I expected him to leave or not be able to deal with it but he always stayed, not only that he looked after me and was always calm.
This again went on for a while, I would have a good, happy few weeks then plummet back down to depression. Then we moved flat to the one we are still in now and in November 2015 I had been signed off work due to being in and out of hospital for my anxiety and panic disorder (this being when I had finally been diagnosed). This was a very low time for me not mentioning the money trouble me and Reece got in due to me not working, I was now getting help for my anxiety and panic attacks in the form of medication and I was on a waiting list for counselling (3 month waiting list....) with all intentions of wanting to get better but then another wave of anxiety and panic happened one night, this worse than I had ever experienced. Reece was meant to be going out that night and I remember lying in bed thinking 'I cant do this' and 'No one cares about me' and then I swallowed a handful of my medication. The medication I was on being one that slows down your heartrate to stop panic attacks was highly dangerous if you took to many so I lay down expecting not to be here the next morning, then I don't remember much. I remember Reece talking to an someone on the phone (he had phoned an ambulance) and I remember the paramedics coming in and helping me down the stairs. I was taken to A&E where they did a number of tests and luckily I had taken enough to lower my blood pressure/heartrate significantly but with close monitoring of my heart over night and a talk with the psychiatrist the next day I was aloud to go home and advised to rest it off and try contacting the counselling again. After this scary incident I am sad to say I did the exact same thing a month later this time my body (thankfully) rejected the tablets and I spewed most of them back up, again meaning with close monitoring over night, a talk with the phychiatrist and my arms being bandaged up (as I had also severely self-harmed) I was again sent home. That being the lowest point of my anxiety but good news it went up from there.

Recovery and how I got there...
Now I know there is probably a lot of readers thinking 'she just did that for attention' and trust me I have heard it all before but do you know what.. YES! Yes I did it for attention but not the kind of attention you are thinking. I didn't want people to feel bad for me or give me sympathy, I wanted HELP! Yes at the time of taking the tablets I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore but part of me deep down wanted someone to save me, someone to help me. I felt like I needed to try to commit suicide so I would be taken to hospital so someone could help me, save me, someone could take away this horrible monster which is anxiety surely that's what happens if you are that depressed you want to die right? Unfortunately with me experience in the hospital/doctors I barely got a simple 'don't worry its going to be okay'.
'Here take some leaflets' 'Take more pills' 'Don't worry your on the waiting list for counselling...oh wait sorry you will have to apply again' this being the kind of things every single medical professional I spoke to said/ did for me. I was literally sitting there begging for them to help me and I would be sent home with a leaflet, more pills (that I had just overdosed on) and a promise that 'a counselor will contact you'. Now I am not bashing the NHS, the NHS is amazing and there are so many talented medical professionals helping/saving people every day but when it comes to Mental Health in my experience it is lacking, I felt worse after seeking help than I did before mainly because I still wasn't getting help after asking for it. At one point I was actually given a number for an organisation that I was told was going to 'help me a lot' if I gave it a call so I plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and to my disappointment the women on the phone told me that they were unable to help me unless I needed a home carer or residential care.. the irony being that I was now working as a carer so the fact that I was being asked if I needed a home carer was almost laughable. I felt so misunderstood and helpless. This is when I decided to change things on my own. I cut out caffiene, lowered my alcohol intake, started seeing friends/family more, reading more, really focusing on my triggers and learning to control them. On top of all this one of the biggest things I did was stop taking my medication- now this was discussed with a doctor and the decision was made to stop taking it as it made me feel worse and gave me the overdose temptation when I felt down, I am NOT recommending stopping your medication without professional help- this really helped me. So slowly but surely I was spending more time with Reece, family and friends, I stopped self-harming, I learned to deal with my anxiety, I recovered, I was happy. Then just as I was feeling my happiest, I found out I was pregnant with Ella-Grace (funny how life works) and since then right through my pregnancy and since having my beautiful baby girl I have been the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes, I have anxious times and yes I have had panic attacks especially when experiencing baby blues (which I have wrote about in my baby blues blog post) but oh my goodness I have never felt better. And being a mum although stressful, it has given me purpose, it has made me so so happy. My baby girl means everything to me and that I would of never had if I succumed to my demons. I am so thankful that I made it through to the otherside, HAPPY!

The people that saved me... 
Although I say I recovered myself really it was the support from so many people that got me through.

My friends:
 I have so many wonderful friends that helped me through my hard times but the two I would like to thank especially is two of my best friends Holly and Ellie, I seen them pretty much every week through my tough times and recovery and the support from them was amazing they reminded me every time I seen them that I was important and they loved me so much, so many nights out through my bad times I remember sitting for hours talking to them about my struggles and they would listen. With most of my friends living out of Aberdeen, having friends I could see often was what I needed. Charleigh and Keely, my two best friends who live out of Aberdeen were also a massive support even though most of the time it was over text, those text conversations were so vital in my recovery.

 


My family: 
My family still do not know to the extent my struggles unless they are reading this now which sounds crazy I know that they are finding out in writing but I have always been better getting things out when I write them than speaking and if that's what is best for me I hope they understand. Anyways even though they did not know a lot about my struggles they were still there, every visit to see my parents distracted me from my struggles and reminded me how much I would hurt these people if I wasn't here, how loved I am by my family is what always kept me strong.

Reece, Reece and Reece again:
WOW. There is nothing else I can say that would be able to explain how much he helped me except he is my hero. He saved me, he is the reason I am here. I can't count the amount of times he let me shout at him for no reason because I was having a panic attack that I couldn't control, he picked me up off the floor after crying so much I passed out, he cleaned and bandaged my cut arms, slept in hospital waiting rooms because he didn't want to leave me or stayed up all night even if he had work the next day because I couldn't sleep because of stress. People say love is dead, this is love. Putting up with every breakdown and never even coming close to breaking his calm vibe, never coming close to leaving. He always stayed. He always cuddled me even when I told him to get off-which I never meant. Everytime I said I don't want to be in this world anymore he would pull me out of that dark place with tears in his eyes telling me how important I am and how loved I was. This is movie love, I owe him my life. Reece if I don't tell you enough I adore you, I love you.

(by my hospital bed all day)

A message to readers....

So that's my story and with a tear in my eye I end it here. Before I finish though I would like to say to anyone struggling with demons as I did, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! I know that can go in one ear and out the other but please please listen to me you are loved, you are important and i know you feel horrible now but I hope my story shows you that it can better! I went from the darkest place, wanting to leave this world to becoming a mother and soon to be wife with a wonderful future ahead of me, I would never of experienced that if I wasn't here, I wouldn't of had my daughter, I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't have a future and I am SO thankful I do. The future is bright I promise. I hope this story encourages you to reach out to a doctor, a family member, a friend or even a pet if that's the only way you can get your feelings out. Even if you write it out like this first. Please, please get help even message me, my Facebook page is tagged on my blog page I will find the time to talk to you. Just don't give up. I will be doing a tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks soon maybe that will help. I know this final message is a bit all over the place but I just really don't want anyone to think they are alone they are not. So yeah I guess I should end this here and as I publish this post I am ready for the judgement, the confusion from family and maybe even some hate. But if there is one soul in that sea of judgement I helped with this post it will have been all worth it. Getting this all out has took a weight off my shoulders also which feels amazing. Leave some feedback in the comments, if your comfortable maybe even tell me about your recovery? Always happy to hear from my readers, till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

 

Ella-Grace : 3 Month Update!!

Tell them about yourself...

"Hi, My name is Ella-Grace Angela Webster! I am 3 months old and have grown/changed a lot since I was born. Mummy looks after me everyday, we have lots of fun singing songs, playing with toys and going on walks. Daddy comes home every night and is off 2 days a week, he is the best at bath time and makes me laugh when he reads me stories. I am growing very big and don't fit into my 0-3 month clothes anymore, Mummy just switched my clothes round to bigger sizes and I am now in size 3 nappies. My favourite things to do are listen to stories, sing songs, nap, have a bath, eat and I am very chatty especially to Mummy and Daddy. I don't like lying down I prefer to sit in my chair, I don't like when my hands or feet are covered I'm always kicking the blanket off me when mummy puts it on me and I especially don't like getting dressed, I prefer to be naked haha! I have learnt lots of new things since I was born and I am currently working on reaching my feet, they look so fun to play with! And that's all from me I think, Mummy will tell you more"

Where has the time gone....

Time really flies when you are having fun... or changing nappies, feeding the baby and all the other things you have to do as a parent. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful daughter and I have enjoyed her first three months so much, watching her grow is amazing but as most mums and dads I'm sure would agree part of me wishes she would slow down and stay my tiny baby for a bit longer!
The other day I put up a post asking for suggestions on what I could write about in my blog, I had many wonderful ideas and thank you so much readers for that I will be taking all of your thoughts on board. One of the things asked for was updates on Ella-Grace (which I am going to do ever three months) so here is her first update at 3 months old. Enjoy.


Feeding...
Since my breastfeeding post a lot has changed with Ella-Grace's feeding (if you would like to know more on my experience please go to my Mum Truths:Breastfeeding blog post). To slightly recap, Ella-Grace is lactose intolerant and even when I cut out dairy she was not keeping my breast milk down, because of this I had to change to bottle feeding her at 2 months. I loved breastfeeding Ella-Grace and really tried getting her back into it but after having bottles she was getting confused, my supply had dropped significantly despite pumping as often as I could and as I said the breast milk unsettled her tummy so to my disappointment I had to stop breastfeeding. I struggled with this as I really wanted to breastfeed her till at least 6 months and I felt like I had failed but as a very wise friend said to me "Fed is best!", to be honest as well she is a lot more settled on the formula and can digest it a lot better. For those interested we get 'Aptimil Lacto-free formula' on prescription for Ella-Grace (luckily as the formula is expensive and in quite small tins compared to average formula). Bringing it back to her update for 3 months she is currently getting 180ml of formula every 3-4 hours. That's all there really is to say on feeding (I will be going into more detail about switching to bottle feeding in a separate blog post as requested).

Sleeping...
Sorry to all the exhausted parents out there who's baby is up all night but Ella-Grace sleeps pretty much all night (still in our bedroom in her swinging cot) depending on what time we put her down, how much she has napped through the day and so on. Our routine with her at the moment is when Reece comes home from work around 7pm he has his supper then we bath her (two days a week), put her in her pjs, read a story then put her to bed with her toy giraffe (cannot forget that giraffe haha) and her dummy. Often she can take a while to settle because she spits her dummy out or rubs her eyes so much she wakes herself up but once she is out she sleeps pretty much all night, the most she will get up is once at about 2am for a bottle then back to sleep. The only worry we have when she is sleeping is the risk of cot death, my brother died when he was a baby of cot death which can mean she has an increased risk but we take all the necessary precautions and have a special alarm to monitor her breathing levels so thankfully she is fine, healthy and we don't need to stress too much. We are so lucky and as I said for the parents who are struggling with sleep I apologise and hope you can get some sleep very soon!

Teething...
Ella-Grace has only just started teething so not much to say about that yet, its a bit of a struggle as she has not quite yet got the co-ordination to hold a teething toy in her mouth so we are having to hold it there for her to chew then she will decide she wants her dummy to suck on instead and then switch again (can be a long process to get her settled). Apart from that and the excessive drooling we haven't had to give her any teething gel or anything like that yet but I know its on its way! Wish us luck, better get ordering those amber beeds I hear they work wonders.

Development...
Oh my goodness I am so proud of our little girls development! This is not to show off or put anyone else's baby down if they have not done some of these things yet- all babies are diffeent and develop at different stages/times- just giving an honest update on how Ella-Grace is getting on and thankfully she is developing well. So far she has laughed, smiled, can roll over from her stomach to her back (not quite mastered the back to belly roll yet, gets stuck on her side), she can grab things, hold her head up and is trying ALREADY to stand! I look at her every day and just think wow she has come so far from that tiny baby in the hospital and I couldn't be prouder. There are things we need to work on with her for example holding toys, messy play, sitting up etc. but all this will come in due time and I know that babies should meet certain milestones by certain ages but in my opinion she will do things when she is ready and able. But yeah at 3 months they are the things that she has developed so far.

Bonding...
As I have said in my previous blog posts I have thankfully had a very strong bond with Ella-Grace since she was born which has helped me through the stressful times in being a new mum, every day I love her more and more. It's hard to describe the bond with your child to someone who hasn't had children but for any of my readers who dont have children and want to know what the bond is like the best way I can describe the bond between me and my baby girl is that it's like we are one person, from the day she was born I have been with her and she has been with me and I feel like we are just one person or unit hence why it is so hard to leave her with someone even her Dad, we are inseparable and I love that. I realise that sounds a bit strange but that's the truth. She is my bestfriend, my little buddy for life. Especially with my anxiety I used to have panic attacks whenever I was alone but now I always have her by my side and I am obviously always busy so she has thankfully made my anxiety better in some ways, making our bond even bigger cause I feel I need her just as much as she needs me.

As for Reece the bond from birth wasn't as strong as mine was with her- which is common for Dad's as they are usually the one's at work, not the main caregivers- but it was always there. Over these past few months they have grew closer and she is gradually becoming more of a Daddy's girl (smiling when he comes home from work, wanting to go to him, letting him put her down to sleep). This gradual bond that they have gained over the past few weeks is in some ways even more special than our instant connection cause I feel that she has learned to love him and appreciates his presence a lot more than mine because I'm mum, here everyday where as she can miss him. This is not me being negative about our bond at all of course I love that she can rely on me to be there everyday, I just think its special that she has a different kind of bond with Daddy.

 We both love her very, very much and we are very fortunate to have a strong family bond.

Allergies and more...
Reece (Ella-Grace's daddy and my fiance) has a list of allergies (allergic to animal hair, hayfever, eczema) and on top of that he has asthma. Ella-Grace - not to our surprise- has developed hayfever, eczema and possibly (still unsure but it is likely) an allergy to animal hair. This on top of her lactose intolerance and reflux/constipation makes things a little difficult and we are constantly checking her breathing ect. as she has a risk of asthma. Luckily none of these allergies have severely bothered her as of yet and we have medicine to help with her constipation (Lactoloose) which she gets every night. As a parent your are constantly worried your child gets ill or hurt so her having these conditions does put me a big on edge but she has always been a little fighter and like her Mama wont let anything put her down. A very strong little lady we are bringing up and I love that about her. There is always the hope she will grow out of some of these allergies so we will just have to wait and see in the next update if they have improved.

Hopes and fears for the next three months... 
I hope for the next few months that Ella-Grace has continuing health and her development continues to go well. To be more specific I am hoping to try her with her first proper food and hopefully learn to sit up but as I said earlier I just want her to go at her own pace and she will do things when she is ready.
I am keeping positive about the future but as a parent you always worry. Ella-Grace has her second set of jabs coming up and she got quite ill the last time so I am a bit scared about that and also teething I am scared she will be very unsettled by and it might interrupt her sleep pattern. Hate seeing her in pain and my anxiety always is at it's peak if she is ever in distress so any kind of shake in her routine always gives me a bit of nerves but we will get through it.

Thank you for reading...
So that is Ella-Grace's 3 month update I hope you enjoyed reading, learnt a little bit about my daughter and maybe related to some of the things going on with her. As always please leave feedback, advice or maybe tell me how your baby is getting on? in the comments I love to read them. Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!