I am a good mum and I'm not afraid to say it!

This needs to be said... 

Good evening readers! I hope you are all doing well and thank you for coming back for another blog post. To those who are new here, Welcome!! 

I am writing this little post not only as a boost for myself but also as a boost for my fellow mums (and dads), reminding you all of what a good job your doing! So lets get right into it!

Why I am writing this...

When I found out I was pregnant right up to when Ella-Grace was born I had this image in my head of what kind of mum I was going to be, I wanted to be perfect (obviously there is no such thing but that is what I had in my head when I was imagining mum life). Then Ella-Grace arrived and it was amazing but I also came to find the reality of being a new mum wasn't the glamorous picture that your are shown on TV or that I had in my head. Still I adored being a mum, even in the hard times and as every parent, I was doing the best I could. But being a good mum in the 21st century is impossible with trying your best meaning nothing when it comes to social media trolls, closed minded people and articles attacking certain types of parenting. Everyone has an opinion and what they think is advice, leaving you feeling drained and almost forgetting that your child is your child, it's up to you how they are brought up. 

Guilt, shame, embarrassment, isolation and worthlessness. All these feelings can be thrust upon you, your always wondering if your doing things right. This past week I have really noticed that being a mum comes with so much scrutiny. 

You are given unwanted 'advice' and ignorant judgement from every corner.

Breastfeed your baby, don't breastfeed in public. Formula is abuse, don't give that to your child. Never co-sleep. Don't hold your baby too much. Don't feed your baby jarred food, you must make homemade. If you go out with your friends your a bad mom. Don't buy your child anything they want they will get spoiled but if they have a tantrum you must stop them straight away cause it is affecting other people. Don;t give them sweets. Don't hold them this way. You must wake your baby for feeds. Don't wake your baby for feeds. DON'T, DON'T, DON'T. DO, DO, DO! The list is endless and no matter what you do someone will be judging you. It can really get you down and I know it has for me, I am usually a super nice person (I like to think) but if anyone attacks my abilities as a mum I get very defensive and upset cause I know how much I love my baby girl and try my best to be the best mum I can be. 

Now constantly second guessing yourself because of all the scrutiny you recieve, you have now branded yourself as bad mum. But that's NOT true! 

I am a good mum...

I am a good mum. Saying this is almost viewed as taboo, you are at risk of looking like a know it all mum or vain. But this is insane! I AM A GOOD MUM! Why should I be ashamed to say it?

I have so many days that maybe someone has grilled me about parenting or I have read an article that made me feel bad. I've sat and cried thinking I am doing an injustice to my child and I need to do better but when I finally sit back to think this is what I feel.

Ella-Grace is my whole world. I feed her, I clothe her, I keep her warm, clean and happy. I play with her, try to teach her things, praise her, encourage her development. Above all I love and adore the bones of her. I am with her day in and day out. She has grown and developed from a tiny newborn to a healthy 5 month old baby and that is thanks to me. I am a good mum!!! 

There are children in the world who's parents have left them or abused them and here you are losing sleep on whether that scratch on their face could of been prevented by you- which I assure you probably couldn't. Please mums and dads of the world don't over think other peoples comments especially on social media and in click-bait articles. Look at the big picture, you are here loving and keeping this little human alive and that little human in turn adores you. I can guarantee they aren't worrying about what Auntie Karen said about how breastfeeding in public is disgusting, they just want fed. I AM A GOOD MUM and guess what so are you. 

Dads, I'm not forgetting about you...

I am all about equal rights, some may even say too much and run away from me when I call myself a feminist (but thats a topic for another day). So I personally hate when being a dad is brushed over like it's not a vital role because it most certainly is! Yes I have titled this blog post 'I am a good mum' but that is simply because I am a mum and this post was inspired by a lot of mums I know and that is the perspective I am writing from but Dads, if you are reading this you are all doing an amazing job as well. I know first hand through Reece (Ella-Grace's dad) how much a dad can love their child and do anything and everything for their child equally to a mother, Reece is an outstanding father and I know many of the dads reading this are too and I would just like to take a minute before I end this blog post to recognize that Dads, no matter what shape or size you are great!

I hope this gave you a boost...

I hope after reading this you have a little bit of a boost and are reminded what a good job your doing as a parent! Comment below what makes you a good mum or dad? Do you have a positive message for other parents? Tag someone you think needs a boost! Thank you for reading until next time please check out some of my articles on BabyGaGa.com (Latest linked below). And don't forget to follow me on my social media profiles for daily insights into 'LauraJane Life' - links on homepage and in menu.

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Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Best birthday ever and my thoughts on turning 21

Busy turning 21...

Sorry I haven't posted in over a week now, I was getting good at posting regularly but this past week has been crazy and very busy. Reece was off work for a week and oh yeah it was my 21ST BIRTHDAY!! So this blog post is just a little insight into my feelings on turning 21 and what I did to celebrate (pictures included too!) Enjoy!

Best Birthday Ever...

So my 21st birthday came round so quick and to be honest I wasn't even thinking about it at all on the run up to it as I was so busy looking after Ella-Grace and focusing on her. Everyone said this would happen when I became a mum, I never believed them haha. Anyway I was just expecting to go see my family for the day and then go home nothing massive but they had other plans. 

The morning of my birthday Reece and Ella-Grace surprised me with cards, gifts and two massive number balloons (21). Reece had bought me some things I had pointed out over the past few months that I really wanted (Zoella products mainly) and I got a massive surprise when two train tickets fell out of my birthday card and he revealed that we were going to Newcastle for four days- some people might not think that's anything extravagant but for our first little family trip to a city we had never been to, it was perfect. More about the trip later (and I'm planning to do a separate blog post on it). 

So after the morning of my birthday with my two favourite people, Reece's dad drove us to my parents. But Reece said we needed to stop off somewhere to book a table for my mums birthday (which is at the end of august), I didn't think much of it apart from he said we had to take Ella-Grace in- even though she was sleeping and his dad was in the car- but I just thought he didn't want to leave her. Walking in it was dark and I said to Reece "it must be closed" which is when everyone yelled "SURPRISE!!" never been more shocked in my life haha my sneaky parents and fiance had planned a surprise party. The whole night was great and Ella-Grace did so well considering she had never been to a party with lots of people or out that late, how she managed to sleep through all the noise I will never know. Pics below of how the night went.



The next day Reece, Ella-Grace and I went home leaving just a few hours to pack as we were going to Newcastle the next morning. Packed and ready to go we left at 7am on Monday and from there we had an amazing time. The best bits by far being taking Ella-Grace swimming (she is such a water baby, lasted a full 2 hours before basically passing out as I took her swimming costume off haha) and going to the Metro center- I think it the 2nd biggest shopping center in the UK- it made Union Square in Aberdeen feel so tiny. Didn't get a chance to do all the things we set out to do but that just gives us a reason to go pack. Pics here.


Feelings on being 21... 
21. The milestone age that everyone talks about and that the celebrations are the biggest. In my 21 years of life I have had major highs and lows as most people do. I have battled with anxiety and panic attacks in some very dark times and it has been hard but above all that I have met the love of my life who I am soon to marry, we have had the most beautiful and wonderful daughter, I am so proud to be her mum. I now have the best group of friends and an amazing family. I have passed 3 college courses and soon to start my degree from home. I now do something I love, writing from home and get paid for it. My blog is getting noticed and my other writing content is being featured on websites. I am more confident, happy and feel like I am making a difference in the world which is what I have always wanted to do. I may have had hard times and still do but in 21 years I am so grateful for all I have, not everyone in the world makes it to 21 or if they do aren't in the best place and I am lucky enough to be happy. 21 years old and looking forward to the future. I will be writing a blog post soon called "10 things I want to achieve before I turn 30" so that will give you more of insight into that. Stay tuned.


See you soon....
Just a short birthday update for those who are interested to know, I have a lot of different content I am hoping to share soon including DIY and recipes, let me know if you would like to read that or what else you would like me to write about. Until my next blog post don't forget to check out my articles on BabyGaGa.com (latest linked below) and follow my social media pages for updates on me, my family and my blog (links on homepage/menu of blog). I am on twitter now so make sure to follow me on there too. Thanks to everyone (especially my parents and Reece) for making my 21st so special! Comment below how you spent your 21st. Till next time readers.

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Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Don't Even Get Me Started: Piercing Babies Ears

New Series....
Hi there readers! Thanks for coming back for more of my blog, hope your enjoying it and to all new here WELCOME! Today I have the start of a new series called 'Don't Even Get Me Started!'

"Don't Even Get Me Started" is basically going to be a series of me ranting about things than bug me, upset me or that I have a strong opinion on. Not everyone's cup of tea but 1. It will let me vent, it is after all my personal blog, and 2. I am still all about the positive vibes and nothing I rant about will be directed at a group of people or preached as everyone should think it, it is my personal opinion and if you disagree I encourage you to comment below- nothing wrong with a healthy debate.

Rant of the Day...

(This picture breaks my heart)
This has been on my mind after I seen a video being shared on Facebook. Piercing babies ears. I can't. This is no shade or disrespect to those who do decided to get their child's ears pierced, I'm sure you have your reasons but I just can't understand it and in my opinion it is cruel.
So here we go Don't Even Get Me Started!!!.....
Before I even had Ella-Grace or even found out I was pregnant I seen this same video of a mum taking her smiley baby to get her ears pierced and as they used the gun to pierce both ears the scream is horrendous and heartbreaking. And as I said I saw this video before I was pregnant and I was against it, I always say that people should have a choice in things that happen to them and a baby cannot verbalize this choice and I highly doubt they would choose this.  So it always made me sad but after having Ella-Grace and then seeing the video shared again, Oh my goodness I couldn't even finish the video. I felt sick to my stomach and it literally hurt my soul. I struggle enough to take Ella-Grace to get her immunizations (literally I stress about it for a week before and then almost faint when she gets them, dramatic but I just hate it and want to cuddle her) that she needs let alone some fashion accessories that cause unnecessary pain, all because why? They look pretty? So people know she's a 'girl'? I find that even more frustrating as ear piercings can be either gender and what kind of message is it to send to our children that you have to 'look like a girl' or 'look like a boy', but that's a totally different topic.

Not only will this hurt when the poor baby gets the piercings but the after care isn't the easiest either and she/he will likely be in a lot of pain for a while not to mention the change of infection. On top of all the other reasons for a baby to be unsettled why would you add another unnecessary one? It just does not make sense to me. I get when they get older they won't remember, people say the same thing to me about her injections but I still feel sick every single time she gets them and that doesn't make it any easier.

Not to mention this is a body modification which yes you can take out and it would heal up but it is still likely to leave a scar which might bother your child when they grow up. Yes they are our babies and we have to make decisions they cannot to keep them safe and alive but they are their own person and body modification is not one of these things we must choose.

Talking personally about my daughter now these are the reasons I would never think about getting her ears pierced as a baby...

1. I CANNOT bare to see her in any pain it physically makes me sick and all I want to do is remove her from the situation and make it all better. I had never felt this way before being a mum, the kind of feeling that your soul is literally pulling you towards your baby to save them from the pain. I had to make do with the injections as I knew they were for her health and that was hard enough, why would I put the both of us through this trauma as well? The guilt I would feel after would be overwhelming. 

2. It's not my body, it's hers. Yes she can't make decisions now but I'm pretty sure the innocent mind of a baby would not care if her ears were pierced and would choose the less painful option of not getting them done. Yes I put bows on her which she might not necessarily like, I don't know but she never cries when they are on and if she did it would be off as she clearly would be uncomfortable. As far as I possibly can I want her to make her own decisions and she's a baby so this is difficult, nearly impossible. So if I pierced her ears I would be going against everything I believe in. 

3. There is no need. Simple. I would much rather spend money on a new toy or play-set that could help her learn or develop, a new piece of clothing to keep her warm, a baby group where she can play. Something she needs or will love not something she has no interest in and will not aid her life in any way. 

Those are my reasons anyways. A lot of people may disagree which is fine let me know in the comments what you think I want to try and see your point of view but I can guarantee you won't change mine. Here I was actually going to link the video I seen but pains me so much I couldn't bring myself to look it up. If you want to watch one I am sure their are lots on You Tube, I bet you can't watch it without cringing or crying.
Just to add a very out there opinion on this, I think piercing babies ears should be illegal. Can you tattoo a baby? No. Any other bodily piercings? No. It is in my opinion a form of physical abuse as it is painful for them and so very unnecessary.


That's the end of the rant today, I told you I shouldn't of got started haha. I started being tame and ended in calling it abuse but I can't help it I just don't understand. Maybe your a mum, dad or guardian who has done this or would? Or someone who's parents did this to you? Please comment below if you disagree, I certainly don't want an argument but I am happy to read your opinion as you have read mine.

Bottom line for me, no ear piercings for Ella-Grace until the time she asks for it, IF she ever does. Over protective parent? Drama Queen? Maybe, but I'm happy with this opinion and living a ear piercing free life doesn't seem to be affecting her so we are all good.

Thanks for reading my first 'Don't Even Get Me Started" and letting me vent my feelings on this topic (and breathe haha). Until my next blog post why not check out one of my articles on Baby GaGa, links below:
15 Moms Reveal The One Thing They Said They Would Never Do (But Did Anyway) 
15 Most Ruthless Single Moms
15 Crazy Laws That Actually Discriminate Against Pregnant Women

Also please follow my social media accounts, links on blog homepage/menu.

Till next time readers...

Stay Happy Everyone!  




*I do not own nor did I personally take these images

Fed is best.

Another highly requested blog post....
Hello there my readers! I hope you are all doing well! If this is your first time reading one of my blog posts, welcome! Today I am again writing another post that has been requested- my views on bottle vs breast and how you first establish feeding. I did touch on this in my breastfeeding blog post but I have been asked to go more in depth, so that's what I am doing. I hope you enjoy!

Figuring out feeding...
Before I even get into the whole "debate" I was asked by a reader how do you know what to do? When to feed the baby etc? This being something you only really find out when you have a baby - no matter how many parenting for idiot books you read. Being a mum who has now experienced both breast and bottle feeding I can put across how I figured it out as timing, routine etc is different with the two different types of feeding.

Breastfeeding- 
Breastfeeding is 100% on demand. You can try your hardest to time feedings but ultimately the baby is in charge. As far as I am aware from speaking to my midwife and health visitor (but don't quote me I am not a medical professional) you cannot over feed on breast milk and babies can feed every hour or more. Ella-Grace cluster fed, meaning she would be on and off, on and off my breast whenever she was awake. Partly for comfort and obviously because she was hungry. So to answer the question when it comes to breastfeeding you don't really know how much they are getting as you would when measuring a bottle and over-feeding is not possible so the timing and 'knowing what to do' isn't really a thing, you do as the baby demands. This being my knowledge from my experience. If you are worried about whether your baby is getting enough milk though (as I was when I came home from hospital) you can track feeds as well as dirty nappies that way you will get an idea of if your baby is getting enough. The way I did this was through an app on my phone where you would log each dirty nappy and time each feed. If Ella-Grace was feeding for longer than 10 mins and less than 1 hour then pulling away and having dirty nappies following this, I was assured that she was doing well. All babies are different though so as I said you really just have to listen to your baby and don't be scared to ask for help if you need to. The amount of questions I have asked the health visitor I'm surprised her head didn't explode haha.

Bottle feeding- 
Bottle feeding is a lot more scheduled, with set amounts and timings. On the formula tin it has guidelines as to how much your baby should eat and how often depending on their age. Ella-Grace (almost 4 months old) now has 180 mls, every 3-4 hours. I personally do not wake her up from her sleep for a feed every 4 hours, I know some people think you should but Ella-Grace has a good sleeping pattern now. She sleeps through the whole night and I don't want to mess that up and confuse her sleeping pattern by waking her up for a feed. Through the day though, yes she gets fed every 4 hours. You can overfeed on formula and formula fed babies are likely to get worse reflux and trapped wind (from what I can remember the health visitor telling me) so you do have to be careful with timings and not to overfeed your baby when on formula, hence why I feed her no less than 3 hours apart. I also burp her half way through her bottle now as she can struggle burping otherwise.

Again I am not a medical professional and I am NOT trying to tell you how to feed/look after your baby, I was asked to write about how a new mum figures out feeding hence why I am writing this. This is my experience and opinion.

Fed is best...
Referring to the title of this post 'Fed is best'. I decided to title it this instead of 'Breast is best' or Breast vs Bottle' because my belief is that feeding your baby, whether that is breast, bottle or both, that is really what is best and judging anyone based on how they are feeding their baby is no good for anyone, including the baby. So whatever way you feed your baby, well done your doing a great job.

Short recap on my feeding experience...
My last full post on feeding I was exclusively breast feeding Ella-Grace with the occasional bottle night from her Dad. Wow, how things can change. In Ella-Graces 3 month update I mentioned that I am now bottle feeding, no breast. Just before Ella-Grace was 2 months old she was having really bad reflux, which progressed to her not keeping down my breastmilk.. at all! She would feed, spew, feed, spew.. a never ending cycle. We then found out she was lactose intolerant and decided to try her on lacto-free formula which worked wonders, still a bit of reflux but she was keeping her food down. I adored breast feeding Ella-Grace and once I had cut all the dairy out of my diet I tried to wean her back onto the breast but even with all the pumping I did, my milk supply had drastically reduced and Ella-Grace was confused/upset with the lack of milk and switching between two different feeding methods. This is when Reece and I decided, bottle feeding was the way to go. Disappointing for me aas I was very keen to breastfeed Ella-Grace for as long as I could but now we have been bottle feeding Ella-Grace for almost 2 months now I do not regret our decision. It helped Ella-Grace and Reece bond more and to be honest Ella-Grace and myself are 10x calmer and happier, our routine is going well and I think this has been the best decision for our family.

Unnecessary Judgement...
I have touched on this subject in another blog post before so sorry if I am repeating myself but again this was what was requested of me and I am more than happy to oblige.
So to put it plain and simple my opinion on this debate over bottle or breast is-not to be rude but- mind your own business. So sorry if that sounds abrupt but I just think fair enough you have your own opinion on how you think children should be fed but unless someone asks for your opinion, keep that for your children. Don't push it on someone else or make someone else feel bad if their feeding arrangement for their child is different to yours. I have first hand experience in being judged for stopping breastfeeding and I cant explain how much that hurt, I adored breastfeeding and if I could of I would of continued for a very long time but it just wasn't meant to be. I would prefer my baby to be happy and gaining weight on bottle rather than spewing up my breast milk and screaming non stop just because 'breast is best. Don't get me wrong as I have said before my opinion is yes, of course breast milk is best. Your body makes that milk specifically for your baby but that in no way means bottle feeding mums should be judged or called bad mums for choosing that route of feeding. We should all be supporting each other because do you know what really matters? Not how a baby is being fed and whether you view that good or bad but that the baby is just being looked after thats what matters, that we are all trying our best as parents and whether that baby is breast or bottle fed, that baby is loved and with all the awful things that happen in the world and all the rotten things people can do judging fellow mums based on feeding when we are all just trying our best is not only ignorant but so very unkind. Stop this unnecessary judgement, start supporting each other.

So....
So the next time you see a mum bottle feeding their new born instead of judging the fact they are not breastfeeding, go over and say hi- you might make a friend. Next time you see a mum breastfeeding in public and you see people making comments, don't join the snarky remarks-stand up for your fellow mother. Cause we are all just doing the best we can and as someone said to me once, if your worrying whether your doing the right thing, whether you are a good mum or not.. you already are one. Cause at the end of the day no matter how each baby is fed, I can almost guarantee that they will all be so loved and cared for and that right there is what matters.
So stop this silly debate, it shouldn't be a debate. Forget about 'breast vs bottle' and just support each other and spread love, you never know what that mum and baby have been through. Everyone has a different story, we just have to care enough to not judge the cover.

Till next time...
I hope that makes sense, I know I kind of rambled on near the end there. Thanks again for reading and all the support I have received, Why not leave a comment and let me know your feelings on this topic? How do you feed your baby? Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Recovery is possible: Overcoming anxiety, panic attacks and other mental health issues.

Take a Deep Breath and here I go...

I can't believe I am writing this. For my whole life I have kept this very private, secret even (apart from the minor details) but it is in no way something I or others who experience this should be ashamed of so for that reason I am sharing my story and encourage others to do the same. Let us help each other and fight the stigma of mental illness.
As you can tell by the title of this blog post, today I will be writing about my anxiety and panic disorder as well as other issues that I have experienced through this. Some things I am going to write not even close family know, but I feel now I am of sound mind and my mental health is the best it has ever been it is time to tell my story to hopefully help others and as I have already mentioned, end this silly stigma surrounding mental illness. So here it is, a genuine and candid story of suffering and then recovering from mental illness.

Warning: This post goes into intense detail of my struggles with anxiety, panic attacks and more. If you feel this might upset you this post might not be for you, if this is the case please skip this post and check out one of my other ones that might interest you more. 

Public knowledge... 
I have Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is public knowledge, I was diagnosed 2 years ago (although I have been suffering from it my entire life) and since then have not kept it a secret that I suffer from this and anyone who knows me personally has probably seen me in my bad times or at least had a discussion with me about this. For those who don't know much about Anxiety and Panic Disorder, the best way I can explain it to you from my experience is that I have CONSTANT anxiety and worry about everything, some being rational (this is the normal kind of anxiety) but a lot being irrational (this causing anxiety disorder). Because of this anxiety I have it causes me to have panic attacks, panic attacks for me start of with me being anxious about one thing then it builds up until I have a feeling of impending doom (like something terrible is going to happen) and that there is the peak of the panic attack where I start to either cry, pace, hyperventilate or sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I cant function, I just have to sit down and I can just about breath but that is it. Panic attacks can last for hours, luckily now I know signs and triggers so can easily diffuse one (usually) but a year or so ago it would be so bad I would end up in hospital or I would go to drastic measures to make it stop which brings me to my next point, the secrets.

My secrets are out...
So as I said anxiety and panic attacks are no secret of mine but the way I have dealt with them in the past or just how low I have got through my disorder I have kept secret from pretty much everyone, even family. Reece is the only person who knows everything until now so here it goes.  Since I was about 16 till about the end of 2015 I self-harmed. Just typing that is scary but as I've said these things should not have to be hidden and I refuse to hide it anymore. I don't really know where to start with this I have never told my whole story before to anyone but I'm going to try my best.
I started off light, I would break the blade out of my razor and just do little scratches, just one at first. I cant explain the reason except when you are having such bad anxiety and especially if it turns into a panic attack you will try anything to get it to stop and the best way to do this is distraction. Now I always tried to distract myself in other ways (watching TV, reading etc. ) but sometimes my anxiety, like a little mean voice in my head would take over and the only way I felt like I could shut that voice up and in a way punish myself for being a bad person (this was what my anxiety always convinced me of) was to inflict pain upon myself. And for that split second of pain, that voice would be gone as your mind is too busy focusing on the pain. But that's exactly the problem, it distracts you for a second and when that second is over that's it back to anxiety and panic and now you have the added stress of that little voice going "why did you do that?" "how are you going to hide it?" "Your such an idiot!" "Everyone is going to hate you". In this deep anxiety you can't think straight so your irrational thoughts convince you to cut again, cut deeper, then one cut turns into an arm full until your sitting there in pain, regretting it and by then you have bled and cried so much you just go to sleep. Now this progression from lightly making one scratch to cutting a lot happened gradually to start with but once I moved out and started going on nights out where alcohol was involved (which is a depressant in itself) is when it got really bad. Thankfully Reece stuck by me otherwise I don't know where I would be today.

The darkest time...
Just a warning again before you keep reading. If you cringed at the paragraph before this one or it is making you feel sad STOP READING!! I have written this so people can relate and hopefully myself and others wont feel so alone in this, I do not want hate or to cause anyone any sadness all I want is to tell my story and show others that there is light at the end of the tunnel so if you are here because you want to know there is light then please keep reading. This paragraph as I have said explains the darkest time in my life but it IS followed by recovery!
By 18 years old I had been self-harming on and off for about 2 years and I was now moved in with Reece. We had so many good times in the first flat we had, lots of laughs and fun, I loved living with Reece then and I still do now. But in between all these fun times I always had bad times usually when I was alone in the flat, multiple times Reece would come home to me crying, having a panic attack with cuts on my arms. He has always dealt with it so well so many times I expected him to leave or not be able to deal with it but he always stayed, not only that he looked after me and was always calm.
This again went on for a while, I would have a good, happy few weeks then plummet back down to depression. Then we moved flat to the one we are still in now and in November 2015 I had been signed off work due to being in and out of hospital for my anxiety and panic disorder (this being when I had finally been diagnosed). This was a very low time for me not mentioning the money trouble me and Reece got in due to me not working, I was now getting help for my anxiety and panic attacks in the form of medication and I was on a waiting list for counselling (3 month waiting list....) with all intentions of wanting to get better but then another wave of anxiety and panic happened one night, this worse than I had ever experienced. Reece was meant to be going out that night and I remember lying in bed thinking 'I cant do this' and 'No one cares about me' and then I swallowed a handful of my medication. The medication I was on being one that slows down your heartrate to stop panic attacks was highly dangerous if you took to many so I lay down expecting not to be here the next morning, then I don't remember much. I remember Reece talking to an someone on the phone (he had phoned an ambulance) and I remember the paramedics coming in and helping me down the stairs. I was taken to A&E where they did a number of tests and luckily I had taken enough to lower my blood pressure/heartrate significantly but with close monitoring of my heart over night and a talk with the psychiatrist the next day I was aloud to go home and advised to rest it off and try contacting the counselling again. After this scary incident I am sad to say I did the exact same thing a month later this time my body (thankfully) rejected the tablets and I spewed most of them back up, again meaning with close monitoring over night, a talk with the phychiatrist and my arms being bandaged up (as I had also severely self-harmed) I was again sent home. That being the lowest point of my anxiety but good news it went up from there.

Recovery and how I got there...
Now I know there is probably a lot of readers thinking 'she just did that for attention' and trust me I have heard it all before but do you know what.. YES! Yes I did it for attention but not the kind of attention you are thinking. I didn't want people to feel bad for me or give me sympathy, I wanted HELP! Yes at the time of taking the tablets I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore but part of me deep down wanted someone to save me, someone to help me. I felt like I needed to try to commit suicide so I would be taken to hospital so someone could help me, save me, someone could take away this horrible monster which is anxiety surely that's what happens if you are that depressed you want to die right? Unfortunately with me experience in the hospital/doctors I barely got a simple 'don't worry its going to be okay'.
'Here take some leaflets' 'Take more pills' 'Don't worry your on the waiting list for counselling...oh wait sorry you will have to apply again' this being the kind of things every single medical professional I spoke to said/ did for me. I was literally sitting there begging for them to help me and I would be sent home with a leaflet, more pills (that I had just overdosed on) and a promise that 'a counselor will contact you'. Now I am not bashing the NHS, the NHS is amazing and there are so many talented medical professionals helping/saving people every day but when it comes to Mental Health in my experience it is lacking, I felt worse after seeking help than I did before mainly because I still wasn't getting help after asking for it. At one point I was actually given a number for an organisation that I was told was going to 'help me a lot' if I gave it a call so I plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and to my disappointment the women on the phone told me that they were unable to help me unless I needed a home carer or residential care.. the irony being that I was now working as a carer so the fact that I was being asked if I needed a home carer was almost laughable. I felt so misunderstood and helpless. This is when I decided to change things on my own. I cut out caffiene, lowered my alcohol intake, started seeing friends/family more, reading more, really focusing on my triggers and learning to control them. On top of all this one of the biggest things I did was stop taking my medication- now this was discussed with a doctor and the decision was made to stop taking it as it made me feel worse and gave me the overdose temptation when I felt down, I am NOT recommending stopping your medication without professional help- this really helped me. So slowly but surely I was spending more time with Reece, family and friends, I stopped self-harming, I learned to deal with my anxiety, I recovered, I was happy. Then just as I was feeling my happiest, I found out I was pregnant with Ella-Grace (funny how life works) and since then right through my pregnancy and since having my beautiful baby girl I have been the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes, I have anxious times and yes I have had panic attacks especially when experiencing baby blues (which I have wrote about in my baby blues blog post) but oh my goodness I have never felt better. And being a mum although stressful, it has given me purpose, it has made me so so happy. My baby girl means everything to me and that I would of never had if I succumed to my demons. I am so thankful that I made it through to the otherside, HAPPY!

The people that saved me... 
Although I say I recovered myself really it was the support from so many people that got me through.

My friends:
 I have so many wonderful friends that helped me through my hard times but the two I would like to thank especially is two of my best friends Holly and Ellie, I seen them pretty much every week through my tough times and recovery and the support from them was amazing they reminded me every time I seen them that I was important and they loved me so much, so many nights out through my bad times I remember sitting for hours talking to them about my struggles and they would listen. With most of my friends living out of Aberdeen, having friends I could see often was what I needed. Charleigh and Keely, my two best friends who live out of Aberdeen were also a massive support even though most of the time it was over text, those text conversations were so vital in my recovery.

 


My family: 
My family still do not know to the extent my struggles unless they are reading this now which sounds crazy I know that they are finding out in writing but I have always been better getting things out when I write them than speaking and if that's what is best for me I hope they understand. Anyways even though they did not know a lot about my struggles they were still there, every visit to see my parents distracted me from my struggles and reminded me how much I would hurt these people if I wasn't here, how loved I am by my family is what always kept me strong.

Reece, Reece and Reece again:
WOW. There is nothing else I can say that would be able to explain how much he helped me except he is my hero. He saved me, he is the reason I am here. I can't count the amount of times he let me shout at him for no reason because I was having a panic attack that I couldn't control, he picked me up off the floor after crying so much I passed out, he cleaned and bandaged my cut arms, slept in hospital waiting rooms because he didn't want to leave me or stayed up all night even if he had work the next day because I couldn't sleep because of stress. People say love is dead, this is love. Putting up with every breakdown and never even coming close to breaking his calm vibe, never coming close to leaving. He always stayed. He always cuddled me even when I told him to get off-which I never meant. Everytime I said I don't want to be in this world anymore he would pull me out of that dark place with tears in his eyes telling me how important I am and how loved I was. This is movie love, I owe him my life. Reece if I don't tell you enough I adore you, I love you.

(by my hospital bed all day)

A message to readers....

So that's my story and with a tear in my eye I end it here. Before I finish though I would like to say to anyone struggling with demons as I did, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! I know that can go in one ear and out the other but please please listen to me you are loved, you are important and i know you feel horrible now but I hope my story shows you that it can better! I went from the darkest place, wanting to leave this world to becoming a mother and soon to be wife with a wonderful future ahead of me, I would never of experienced that if I wasn't here, I wouldn't of had my daughter, I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't have a future and I am SO thankful I do. The future is bright I promise. I hope this story encourages you to reach out to a doctor, a family member, a friend or even a pet if that's the only way you can get your feelings out. Even if you write it out like this first. Please, please get help even message me, my Facebook page is tagged on my blog page I will find the time to talk to you. Just don't give up. I will be doing a tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks soon maybe that will help. I know this final message is a bit all over the place but I just really don't want anyone to think they are alone they are not. So yeah I guess I should end this here and as I publish this post I am ready for the judgement, the confusion from family and maybe even some hate. But if there is one soul in that sea of judgement I helped with this post it will have been all worth it. Getting this all out has took a weight off my shoulders also which feels amazing. Leave some feedback in the comments, if your comfortable maybe even tell me about your recovery? Always happy to hear from my readers, till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

 

Ella-Grace : 3 Month Update!!

Tell them about yourself...

"Hi, My name is Ella-Grace Angela Webster! I am 3 months old and have grown/changed a lot since I was born. Mummy looks after me everyday, we have lots of fun singing songs, playing with toys and going on walks. Daddy comes home every night and is off 2 days a week, he is the best at bath time and makes me laugh when he reads me stories. I am growing very big and don't fit into my 0-3 month clothes anymore, Mummy just switched my clothes round to bigger sizes and I am now in size 3 nappies. My favourite things to do are listen to stories, sing songs, nap, have a bath, eat and I am very chatty especially to Mummy and Daddy. I don't like lying down I prefer to sit in my chair, I don't like when my hands or feet are covered I'm always kicking the blanket off me when mummy puts it on me and I especially don't like getting dressed, I prefer to be naked haha! I have learnt lots of new things since I was born and I am currently working on reaching my feet, they look so fun to play with! And that's all from me I think, Mummy will tell you more"

Where has the time gone....

Time really flies when you are having fun... or changing nappies, feeding the baby and all the other things you have to do as a parent. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful daughter and I have enjoyed her first three months so much, watching her grow is amazing but as most mums and dads I'm sure would agree part of me wishes she would slow down and stay my tiny baby for a bit longer!
The other day I put up a post asking for suggestions on what I could write about in my blog, I had many wonderful ideas and thank you so much readers for that I will be taking all of your thoughts on board. One of the things asked for was updates on Ella-Grace (which I am going to do ever three months) so here is her first update at 3 months old. Enjoy.


Feeding...
Since my breastfeeding post a lot has changed with Ella-Grace's feeding (if you would like to know more on my experience please go to my Mum Truths:Breastfeeding blog post). To slightly recap, Ella-Grace is lactose intolerant and even when I cut out dairy she was not keeping my breast milk down, because of this I had to change to bottle feeding her at 2 months. I loved breastfeeding Ella-Grace and really tried getting her back into it but after having bottles she was getting confused, my supply had dropped significantly despite pumping as often as I could and as I said the breast milk unsettled her tummy so to my disappointment I had to stop breastfeeding. I struggled with this as I really wanted to breastfeed her till at least 6 months and I felt like I had failed but as a very wise friend said to me "Fed is best!", to be honest as well she is a lot more settled on the formula and can digest it a lot better. For those interested we get 'Aptimil Lacto-free formula' on prescription for Ella-Grace (luckily as the formula is expensive and in quite small tins compared to average formula). Bringing it back to her update for 3 months she is currently getting 180ml of formula every 3-4 hours. That's all there really is to say on feeding (I will be going into more detail about switching to bottle feeding in a separate blog post as requested).

Sleeping...
Sorry to all the exhausted parents out there who's baby is up all night but Ella-Grace sleeps pretty much all night (still in our bedroom in her swinging cot) depending on what time we put her down, how much she has napped through the day and so on. Our routine with her at the moment is when Reece comes home from work around 7pm he has his supper then we bath her (two days a week), put her in her pjs, read a story then put her to bed with her toy giraffe (cannot forget that giraffe haha) and her dummy. Often she can take a while to settle because she spits her dummy out or rubs her eyes so much she wakes herself up but once she is out she sleeps pretty much all night, the most she will get up is once at about 2am for a bottle then back to sleep. The only worry we have when she is sleeping is the risk of cot death, my brother died when he was a baby of cot death which can mean she has an increased risk but we take all the necessary precautions and have a special alarm to monitor her breathing levels so thankfully she is fine, healthy and we don't need to stress too much. We are so lucky and as I said for the parents who are struggling with sleep I apologise and hope you can get some sleep very soon!

Teething...
Ella-Grace has only just started teething so not much to say about that yet, its a bit of a struggle as she has not quite yet got the co-ordination to hold a teething toy in her mouth so we are having to hold it there for her to chew then she will decide she wants her dummy to suck on instead and then switch again (can be a long process to get her settled). Apart from that and the excessive drooling we haven't had to give her any teething gel or anything like that yet but I know its on its way! Wish us luck, better get ordering those amber beeds I hear they work wonders.

Development...
Oh my goodness I am so proud of our little girls development! This is not to show off or put anyone else's baby down if they have not done some of these things yet- all babies are diffeent and develop at different stages/times- just giving an honest update on how Ella-Grace is getting on and thankfully she is developing well. So far she has laughed, smiled, can roll over from her stomach to her back (not quite mastered the back to belly roll yet, gets stuck on her side), she can grab things, hold her head up and is trying ALREADY to stand! I look at her every day and just think wow she has come so far from that tiny baby in the hospital and I couldn't be prouder. There are things we need to work on with her for example holding toys, messy play, sitting up etc. but all this will come in due time and I know that babies should meet certain milestones by certain ages but in my opinion she will do things when she is ready and able. But yeah at 3 months they are the things that she has developed so far.

Bonding...
As I have said in my previous blog posts I have thankfully had a very strong bond with Ella-Grace since she was born which has helped me through the stressful times in being a new mum, every day I love her more and more. It's hard to describe the bond with your child to someone who hasn't had children but for any of my readers who dont have children and want to know what the bond is like the best way I can describe the bond between me and my baby girl is that it's like we are one person, from the day she was born I have been with her and she has been with me and I feel like we are just one person or unit hence why it is so hard to leave her with someone even her Dad, we are inseparable and I love that. I realise that sounds a bit strange but that's the truth. She is my bestfriend, my little buddy for life. Especially with my anxiety I used to have panic attacks whenever I was alone but now I always have her by my side and I am obviously always busy so she has thankfully made my anxiety better in some ways, making our bond even bigger cause I feel I need her just as much as she needs me.

As for Reece the bond from birth wasn't as strong as mine was with her- which is common for Dad's as they are usually the one's at work, not the main caregivers- but it was always there. Over these past few months they have grew closer and she is gradually becoming more of a Daddy's girl (smiling when he comes home from work, wanting to go to him, letting him put her down to sleep). This gradual bond that they have gained over the past few weeks is in some ways even more special than our instant connection cause I feel that she has learned to love him and appreciates his presence a lot more than mine because I'm mum, here everyday where as she can miss him. This is not me being negative about our bond at all of course I love that she can rely on me to be there everyday, I just think its special that she has a different kind of bond with Daddy.

 We both love her very, very much and we are very fortunate to have a strong family bond.

Allergies and more...
Reece (Ella-Grace's daddy and my fiance) has a list of allergies (allergic to animal hair, hayfever, eczema) and on top of that he has asthma. Ella-Grace - not to our surprise- has developed hayfever, eczema and possibly (still unsure but it is likely) an allergy to animal hair. This on top of her lactose intolerance and reflux/constipation makes things a little difficult and we are constantly checking her breathing ect. as she has a risk of asthma. Luckily none of these allergies have severely bothered her as of yet and we have medicine to help with her constipation (Lactoloose) which she gets every night. As a parent your are constantly worried your child gets ill or hurt so her having these conditions does put me a big on edge but she has always been a little fighter and like her Mama wont let anything put her down. A very strong little lady we are bringing up and I love that about her. There is always the hope she will grow out of some of these allergies so we will just have to wait and see in the next update if they have improved.

Hopes and fears for the next three months... 
I hope for the next few months that Ella-Grace has continuing health and her development continues to go well. To be more specific I am hoping to try her with her first proper food and hopefully learn to sit up but as I said earlier I just want her to go at her own pace and she will do things when she is ready.
I am keeping positive about the future but as a parent you always worry. Ella-Grace has her second set of jabs coming up and she got quite ill the last time so I am a bit scared about that and also teething I am scared she will be very unsettled by and it might interrupt her sleep pattern. Hate seeing her in pain and my anxiety always is at it's peak if she is ever in distress so any kind of shake in her routine always gives me a bit of nerves but we will get through it.

Thank you for reading...
So that is Ella-Grace's 3 month update I hope you enjoyed reading, learnt a little bit about my daughter and maybe related to some of the things going on with her. As always please leave feedback, advice or maybe tell me how your baby is getting on? in the comments I love to read them. Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Confidently taking Baby Out: Mission Accomplished!

Its been a while....
Hello readers or should I say strangers now? Again its been probably about 3 weeks since I last blogged (#mumlife) sorry about that but I promise I have been working on a lot of blog posts, I just want to make each one perfect! I will be uploading two blog posts this week and I have one I'm hoping will be up by next week so I hope this will make up for my tardiness.

Whats this weeks topic....
This past week I have been taking Ella-Grace out a lot, I've been into the busy town centre almost every day in fact and I finally feel I am confident taking my baby girl out! I don't know on average how long it takes to get this confidence as a mother but for me it took about 10 weeks for me to feel fully confident taking her out by myself without stressing every second!
So this weeks topic is just some handy tips that I found useful when taking Ella-Grace out and I hope they will give you new mums and dads out there some help and you will feel confident taking your little ones out too!

These might not work for everyone...
Before I start handing out my top tips I would just like to say what has worked for my bundle of joy might not work for yours. Every baby, every person is different and different strategies, tips and techniques will work for different parents so my tips are not necessarily going to work for you and your baby but there is no harm in trying or even just reading to compare tips! Also I am by no means a parenting expert and don't claim to be the perfect mum who's got it all together, frankly I don't think anyone can say they are perfect at parenting its a continuous journey of trial and error in my opinion. I might be confident in taking my baby out this week but next week she could be screaming in the middle of Primark and I would return home with my confidence wavered, you never know. But even if I do lose confidence again in taking her out these tips I'm about to share are what would gain my confidence back and help me get out with Ella-Grace again. So here we go, my top tips to getting out and about with your baby.

TOP TIPS!....

Tip 1: EXTRA EVERYTHING!
Babies are unpredictable. You think they wont need fed then they are hungry, you just change their nappy they poop everywhere, you've burped them a thousand times then they are sick all over their clothes. You never know what they will do! So my advice bring extra nappies, clothes, wipes, bibs, breast pads, formula... whatever your baby needs bring 10x more of that (10x more might be a bit over-exaggerating but you get the idea). Some people might think this is over cautious but in my experience less is most definitely not more. 

Tip 2: START SMALL
I touched on this tip in my Baby Blues blog post a few weeks ago (if you've not read it why not check it out after this one) don't make your first outing to the busiest shopping centre or to a big event, start small and work your way up. Go for a walk to your local shop, go to s close by baby group, just sit outside in the garden with your baby if that's all you find comfortable at the moment. Small steps to big achievements. By all means though if your the type of person who just wants to jump into the deep end with a busy first outing and thinks that will work for you GO FOR IT! But for my building up to the busy town trips especially alone was the way that worked best for me. 

Tip 3: SET GOALS
Similar to the previous tip with starting small, set yourself trip goals. When I was suffering with baby blues staying inside made me crazy but going out with my new baby seemed like the scariest thing in the world! So I decided to write down places I wanted to be able to take Ella-Grace, goals I wanted to meet and each time I would go somewhere with her I would tick it off. I am proud to say most of the places on the list are ticked off and seeing that makes me feel accomplished and more confident. Definitely worth a go to boost your baby outing confidence. 

Tip 4: HAVE COMPANY 
Going out alone for me was the most daunting part, Reece always was my calming influence when I was stressed so his support in the first few weeks was essential to me. So for the first few outings go with your partner, mum, dad, sibling, anyone who you feel supported by it will make things easier and take some weight off your shoulders. Then when you feel ready try going to these places yourself and if it doesn't work out try again with some support and then again yourself eventually you will feel more confident. 





Tip 5: FAMILY FRIENDLY 

A very good tip I found was to go to family friendly places. Baby groups, children's library sessions, messy play, family restaurants, family swimming slots (haven't been to this one yet but soon hopefully!). By going to family or baby friendly places you will often be with people in the same boat as you or at least at these places the people are a lot more understanding or accepting that your baby is crying or that your pram takes up loads of space. Nowadays most places are family friendly and I have been pleasantly surprised to see that most people respond kindly when your having trouble, even offering to help you in any way they can (faith in humanity restored) so it shouldn't be hard to find somewhere suitable for you and your little one. This again will boost your confidence and who knows you might make some new friends, bond over your babies/children which brings me to my next tip.


Tip 6: SAY HI TO ANOTHER PARENT
This is easiest at a baby group or setting where you are there to mingle with other babies and their parents. By speaking to another person in the same boat as you it will make you feel more comfortable and you can bond over the difficulties of parenting maybe even laugh about it. If you are lucky you will make a friend and you and your babies might be able to go out together, linking to tip 4 'HAVE COMPANY'. This I have found very helpful and recently I have been on a walk with a friend I met in baby group and into town shopping with another new mum I know and trust me don't worry about running out of things to talk about babies give you endless reasons for discussion. 

Tip 6: DON'T OVERTHINK
A difficult one especially if you suffer from anxiety like me but don't overthink or give into fear would be my TOP TIP! Before each new outing with Ella-Grace I would sit and think what if this happens or what if that happens.. it does NO good at all! As difficult as it sounds don't let that fear stop you from going as I guarantee you 9 times out of 10 the actual outing is not as scary or horrible as you have made it in your head. In fact in my experience whats in your head is totally wrong! People are nice and understanding, baby doesn't scream the place down and you don't have a breakdown. In fact most of the time I realized it was actually g=fun and so, so good to get out with my baby in fact now I prefer being out with her than staying at home she seems more content. 

Hope that was helpful....
Those were my top tips for gaining confidence when taking baby out, I hope one of you readers get s some use out of these tips! Please let me know in the comments if you do try any of these out or if you have any other tips that might be useful to me, I am always looking for more tips! Thank you so much for reading it is appreciated as always! It is now 4am I will be posting this later on today but for now i better join my fiance and baby in the bedroom and try and get some sleep before its feeding time for baby. See you again on here very soon readers, I promise it wont be 3 weeks.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!