Those of you who have read my blog for a while will know that I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder (if you want to read my previous posts on this then feel free- Recovery is possible / Anxiety Update ). Most of the time I can deal with it just fine even to the point where my panic attacks are non-existent, but then there are times like the past two weeks where I could literally tear my hair out (and I have before- sounds drastic but that is how bad it used to get, feels like something is in your head that you just want to get out, it is truly horrid). I hide it well, not even purposely it is just an automatic reaction when I am around people. I don't know whether that is because I feel better when I am around friends because I can't overthink or if it is because I don't have time to think too much about things, that is why I think having Ella-Grace changed my anxiety for the better because as a mother you are so focused on your baby you cannot crawl into bed and cry for hours, you have a little life depending on you and that pushes you out of a slump, well that is how it is for me anyways. What I am trying to say is these past two weeks have been hard anxiety wise and panic attacks have been happening often. I know many of you who read my blog really love my honesty especially when it comes to my mental health and these are the posts you want to read which is great for me because it means I can vent which always helps. I am finally feeling like this dip is over- thank goodness- so I am able to share it and hopefully this will get me back into my regular blog posts because I have truly missed they joy I get out of it and all the feedback from you kind readers. First things, first.. where do I start? Well things always go down hill for me when I fall out of routine and that is exactly what happened.
I think I mentioned in my last post that Ella-Grace and I had been suffering from the flu, well that just threw us totally off. All better now but the routine was pretty much gone and although she is still a good sleeper once she gets to sleep settling her has been a difficult task. Gone are the days where we place her in her bed and she soothes herself. I'm not sure if it is a bit of separation anxiety or if like me she is just getting used to the routine again now she isn't ill, but Reece and I have been met with some serious screaming cries just as we enter her room to put her down. It can take up to an hour to get her down (rubbing her back, holding her hand, singing to her) and of course Ella-Grace is my main priority and I would sit and rub her back for 5 hours if that is what she needed (I do try and let her soothe herself but when she screams that way it is just going to make her stressed which I don't want) but doesn't mean it is easy on me especially when Reece is at work. You see from when she was born her cry (I mean her serious cry not a whimper) has been a trigger for my anxiety, my body goes all tense and I feel the sense of 'impending doom' that I associate with my panic attacks. Usually as I said I can manage it fine because she is very chilled out and seriously rarely ever cries but these past two weeks it is like she has changed to be very clingy and hard to settle which means that she has been crying for things she has never cried for before- for example putting her down to play while I cook supper. I know there are some parents who's child has always been clingy and you are probably thinking I am over exaggerating or being ungrateful for how "easy" I have had it but I am not trying to take away from what you have been through this is my mothering experience and how it is going for me, there are ups and downs for everyone they are just not always the same. Anyways so yes that was the first sign of my anxiety getting bad again, Ella-Grace's cry was really grating on me and I found myself getting frustrated with her even though of course it was not her fault which made me feel even worse as the mum guilt set in. With Ella-Grace being extra clingy as I said that meant our routine was completely off, the cleaning wasn't getting done, I had no time to write, just everything was a mess. To some people it may not seem like a big deal, I wish I was one of those people but ever since my anxiety was at its lowest I have slowly but surely found the best way to deal with it and that is by sticking to a routine, knowing what needs to be done at what time of day, no surprises or big changes that I don't expect, everything is planned to a T. I know what days Ella-Grace has certain groups, I know what time we get up, what time she goes down, the times I clean, the time I cook meals, the time I have to bath and get ready, the days Ella-Grace needs a bath, the days Reece is at work, the time he gets home from work, the time I write, what I need to write, what to post on my social media to promote my blog, the list goes on and to some people this would sound crazy, how can you plan all that every week? Why not go with the flow? Because I can't. If I do that then I just breakdown. So sorry if you message me for a last minute plan, I am most likely busy because I plan things far in advance. So even though we were all better, the routine was all a mess and that in my head means I am failing. Failing as a mother, failing as a fiance, failing as a blogger, failing as a person and that is when I hit rock bottom. So many people say to me "you seem to have it all together" and I smile and say "yeah I love routine" which although true it does not mean it is easy and as soon as that routine slips the smallest bit, as soon as I am late to a group or forget to brush Ella-Grace's teeth, I breakdown and my anxiety forces me to brand myself the worst person alive. At this point, cue the panic attacks.
Panic attacks, as I have said before, are the worst. In fact I have been sitting here for half an hour trying to write this next paragraph and getting panicky because I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense because anxiety doesn't make sense, it is irrational and scary and just overwhelming. Honestly writing this is giving me stress because I don't feel like I am doing a good job in explaining anything and I really want to help those who are going through the same thing but I just feel like I am rambling. Ugh. I am sorry.
Anyway, I am going to try and power through. The past two weeks with Ella-Grace being fussier than usual and my routine being non-existent my anxiety has been on the edge on top of that planning a first birthday party and a wedding all at the same time just took its tole and I found myself many nights just crying and feeling so low. Which is frustrating because its a happy time, this year is full of events that I will be sure to remember for the rest of my life and I want to enjoy them, planning and all, I don't want to be feeling low when I could be enjoying my daughter playing or writing blog posts or wedding planning with Reece. These are all fun things but during these past two weeks all of it just seemed stressful and to be honest I felt like I was a burden on everyone. The worst it got was Reece came home, Ella-Grace wasn't settling, supper wasn't made, the flat was a mess, I hadn't showered in days, I had snapped at Reece on the phone because I was stressed and I just felt so alone, I couldn't breathe. Panic set in. Reece (being the lovely man he is) came in helped me settle Ella-Grace and gave me a cuddle which yes made me feel better for a bit but every night for those two weeks I was feeling like I couldn't cope. The thing is anxiety makes the smallest thing seem terrible and to me if I am not on top of every little part of my life (which obviously isn't neccessary) then I just feel like a faliure. I want to be superwoman and when I don't feel like I can be that, the world is ending in my head. I cannot describe to you the feeling, it is how I imagine drowning would be. Everything is weighing down on you and you can't breathe.
I am now feeling much better and we are back to routine. The past few days I have felt like superwoman, everything has been getting done but still today (as I mentioned) have had a dip because - shock- I haven't been in routine. I just have to take it a day at a time and try to remember the positive and what I have accomplished which is also my advice to everyone else who is struggling.
And breathe. Now that is out I feel a bit better, sorry if it made no sense I just needed to ramble. Thank you for reading I hope this has made you feel less alone if you too are struggling with anxiety and please comment or message me your experiences, how you have been doing and how you cope. I would love to know. I am now hoping to get back to my regular blog posts now I am out of the funk I was in, thank you so much for being so patient. I will always have anxiety, I will always have good and bad days but that does not mean it has to rule me or my life. I am in control, I can battle this and no matter what my anxiety tells me, I AM a good person and I DO deserve happiness.
Stay Happy Everyone :)!
