Warning: Some of the content below may be graphic and contains stories of sexual assault and harassment.
1 in every 6 women have been
victim to attempted or completed rape.
Someone gets sexually assaulted
every 98 seconds.
82% of child victims and 90% of adult
victims are women.
1 in every 33 men have been
victim to attempted or completed rape.
Ages 12-34 are most at
risk of sexual assault.
Can you see the problem?!
I don't really know how to start this post if I am being honest. It is such a serious subject and I want to do justice to anyone out there who has ever been victim to this. I want this blog post to raise awareness of this serious problem and to encourage others to speak up because you are NOT in the wrong. So with all this in mind I guess I will start the post.
On social media at the moment you may have noticed the hashtag #metoo , going around. To those who don't know what this is let me explain it to you.
The #metoo movement is about speaking out about sexual assault and/or harassment. It started with many actresses using the #metoo when sharing their stories of sexual assault and harassment at the hands of director Harvey Winestine and from this is took off and woman around the world (and some men) started to share their experiences, encouraging others to speak and supporting each other by stating #metoo.
This movement has been an eye opener to many people who thought sexual assault and harassment was not a problem in society, by the sheer amount of people who speak out you can clearly see that there is a VERY serious problem and something needs to be done about it!
This link explains the background of #metoo :
#metoo background
In this blog post I will be sharing my own #metoo stories (yes more than one) and some other stories from some very brave woman who came forward and told me their unfortunate experiences. Due to legal reasons, safety and privacy the women other than myself I have decided to keep anonymous even though some of them were willing to be named. This anonymity however does not change the fact that these women are incredibly brave to of shared their story and allow me to share it on my blog. As well as these stories I will be sharing my views on some of the big problems in society including victim blaming and also identifying what I think we can do to encourage more people to speak out and hopefully stop sexual assault and harassment.
#Metoo.
I myself have been victim to sexual assault and harassment. Countless times on nights out, men have grabbed my breasts or put their hand up my skirt to grab my bum, this yes is sexual harassment or I would go as far as to say assault. You have touched my body without my consent and made me feel very uncomfortable, this is disgusting. Other than this two accounts of sexual assault I have experienced will never fade from my memory and here they are.
I used to be a carer for the elderly and frail. I loved my job and the majority of the people I looked after were so lovely but on a few occasions elderly men had been appropriate towards me. Asking for massages from me, making sexual references to me, making things that were not sexual into a sexual experience for them (for example if I have to apply cream to them some male patients have made it clear they found this sexual by noises ect). All this inappropriate in itself but one time really stuck in my mind to this day and I did have reported. I will not be going into too much detail of the situation for legal reasons but the important details will be included. I was 19 years old, I was on a double shift (meaning I was on with a second carer) and we went to give personal care to an elderly man. I had never been to this man before but I had gotten the basic information from the company I worked for and the fellow carer I was with told me it was a routine visit she did and she would lead- she was older than me and seemed very experienced so I was more than happy to follow her lead. We went into the house and the elderly man was in his bed, our job was to get him cleaned up - he was incontinent- and up dressed through to the kitchen to have his breakfast. It seemed all routine at first when we were getting the stuff we needed to clean him ready, then the carer who was meant to be leading told me to clean him up and she would 'assist'. I write 'assist' like that because she just stood by me and did nothing. I, as usual, started doing my job very professionally. The man had soiled himself up his from meaning I needed to thoroughly clean his genitalia which as I said was fine, I was being professional and this cannot be helped that did not phase me. It did not even phase me when as I was cleaning him I could see he was getting aroused (don't want to be to graphic, I think you can tell what I mean), I was not mad at all at this, this sometimes cannot be helped and in fact I felt sympathy towards him at this point. I carried on my job, as I said a male sometimes cannot control this. But what can be controlled is your actions from this. He smiled at me and put his hand on my lower back as I cleaned him, to which I took as a thank you. His speech was not great so the hand on my back I took as a gesture of gratitude. But then his hand started to go lower until he was grabbing my bum and trying to put his hand in between my legs. I quickly removed his hand and carried on my job. He then tried to put his hand on my breasts and under my uniform. Again, I removed his hand and carried on. He continued to persist and with his other hand started to touch himself as I was cleaning him, trying to place my hand on his privates in a way that was not for cleaning (again trying to keep this not too graphic). All this time the fellow carer could see what was happening and when I had reached my limit I stood back horrified but trying to remain calm and looked at her for help. She turned to me and said what I still to this today cannot believe "Just let him do it and we will be finished here quicker". I was horrified. At this point he was almost clean as I had endured this for almost half and hour so she took over cleaning him as I had froze. When she started to finish I went to walk away to wash my hands and calm myself so I could go back into the situation. Despite the horrible thing he had just done I was aware without me this carer could not hoist him to to his seat and take him through for his breakfast so I was prepared to carry on until my job was done. But I could not leave to wash my hands as his bedside was a very confined space and the carer I was on with insisted I stay where I was and blocked my way out, so for another 5 minutes I had to stand there trying to block the mans hands and ignore the faces and noises he was making at me. If all this was not bad enough his wife and daughter were in the next room and I had to take him through with a big smile on my face and say to his family 'That's him ready. All fine". I left that house scarred for life. Writing it all down now 2 years later I can feel that horrible sick feeling in my stomach that I felt that day. I can see every minute of that so clearly. As I left the house I wanted to phone my company instantly but the carer I was on with kept telling me 'Your making it a big deal', 'You just have to deal with it', 'You should of just let him do what he wanted'. So because of this carer's nonsense opinion I carried on my shift with her and did not phone my company until the next day. When I first told them they seemed very concerned and I had to go in and make a statement which they claimed they would pass on the 'appropriate authorities'. I said that I did not want to be placed there ever again and that the carer I was on with should be disciplined for her actions also as she was a big part in what made the situation worse. They agreed and at this point I felt like I had their full support, how it should be. But weeks past and I had heard nothing about it going any further and low and behold I was put on a double shift with that same carer and the man. I phoned my company incredibly annoyed and they claimed they 'forgot I did not want to be placed their' and 'did not have any statement from me'. I went on to tell them again what had happened and that I had given them a statement weeks ago, I was then made to feel that it was my fault, it was part of my job to deal with this and that I had 'received the training'. After that phone call I felt defeated and with no idea who to contact now, I left it. Fair to say Reece had to go through many nights of me crying about this. And that was the first time.
The second time I was sexually assaulted was on a night out, again when I was 19. It happened quickly but it felt like forever. Me and my friend had a great night, we had a few drinks and yes, we got drunk. Drunk enough to be uncoordinated but not drunk enough to not remember anything. We were waiting for a taxi joking with each other and laughing. Behind us was a group of guys and they were calling at us, looking us up and down but we just ignored them. Finally our taxi arrived and we stumbled in. Along with us however jumped in one of the guys behind us. We gave him a look and asked what he was doing, he said he heard where we were going and that he lives close so we could share a taxi. Thinking about it now I don't think I even mentioned where I lived, why would I of? My friend already knew, I would not of just randomly proclaimed my destination. However at the time this sounded like a genuine guy who just wanted to get home so we agreed. We all sat in the back, I was in the middle. It took about 15 minutes to get to my flat. My friend immediately fell asleep in the taxi or zoned out, I just know she was out of it. I sat there and put my head back intending to close my eyes until we got home then next thing I know there is a hand down my skirt, into my underwear and inside me. I was so shocked. I open my eyes and looked at the guy. I tried to grab his hand out of my pants but he held my one of my arms down and continued to assault me. I tried with my other hand to hit him and pull his hand away but I was drunk, uncoordinated and scared he would try something worse. I looked at my friend and the taxi driver. Waiting for them to respond to what was happening, surely they heard me telling him to stop or get off of me. But no one did anything. My friend to this day I don't think knows what happened and the taxi driver, I don't know. He did nothing anyways. The next few minutes I froze and just let it happen. He continued to violate me and saying "Maybe I should just get out at yours". We got to my flat. My friend thankfully woke as the taxi stopped, he removed his hand and started to try and get out the taxi. I chucked the money at the taxi driver and launched me and my friend out the car. I heard the taxi driver ask if he was getting out but I did not stop to find out what he would say. Once we got safely behind the building door I looked back the guy was out the taxi. We went up to my flat and my friend went straight to bed. I went straight into Reece and told him what happened. I actually apologised thinking it was my fault for letting that happen. Reece being the amazing person he is turned to me gave me a hug, got me into bed and calm and continued to tell me how it was not my fault. The next day I just tried to forget about it. Thinking no one would believe me, I was drunk, I froze, I don't even know the guys name, my friends was too drunk and out of it to be a witness. I blamed myself and decided to not report it. I now wish I did.
And breathe. Thank goodness that is over. I feel sick and those memories are horrible to bring to the fore front of my mind but I am so happy I told them. This was NOT my fault and I do NOT have to be quiet about it! I hope my story has encouraged others to speak out. This as you know happens to so many people every single day! Here are some more #metoo stories shared from the brave women I spoke to :
"
#metoo I had passed out drunk at a party. A boy I knew well and considered as a friend stole my phone and found naked photos of myself that I had sent to my boyfriend and emailed them to himself. He then continued to assault me with his fingers as I was unconscious. I woke to my boyfriend punching him as he had walked in on him assaulting me."
"
#metoo When I was 14, my boyfriend raped me in his bedroom. I froze and let it happen. I ran to the bathroom and cried. He told everyone in the school that we slept together and all my friends congratualated me. I knew no one would believe me that it was not consensual as I had not spoke up straight away. Still to this day no one knows this happened yet it has haunted me ever since."
"
#metoo My boyfriend sexually abused me. He would push my hands where I didn't want them, push me and push me to get sex even if I didn't want it, make me feel weird for not wanting sex 24/7, force himself on me and continue to do so even though I would cry before, during and after sex - the pain was horrendous. The worst part was he made me feel like this was normal, this kind of abuse was deserved. When we broke up and I eventually got into a new relationship and told him what had happened previously he made me realise just how wrong it was. I had been raped, continuously. I'm still in denial, the word rape gives me panic attacks everytime."
"
#metoo July 2013 it happened, October 2013 I got diagnosed with PTSD from sexual trauma. I had been speaking to a guy online for at least 4 years when I went to meet him for the first time. He had asked me to meet him before but I was afraid he wanted more than friendship so I always made excuses. He now had a long time girlfriend, I had ran out of excuses and he had booked my train tickets so I decided to finally meet with him. I was going to be staying at his flat for one night then returning home. We had made plans to go out drinking with some of his friends, I drunk maybe two units. He kept insisting on me drinking more and more, I had no reason not to trust him so I let him buy me drinks. I'm not sure if he spiked the drink or just ordered much stronger ones than I realised. I remember dancing and kissing one of his friends (who I was interested in) Then it goes a little hazy, I do not remember walking back to his. He said I could have the bed and sleep on the sofa then I remember him saying "we have to have sex". I kept saying no. He assaulted me with his hands and his mouth, not removing my tampon (I was on my period) it was very very painful. He trapped me against the wall and then everything goes black. I woke to used condoms on the floor, I was sick. He acted like nothing happened and insisted on walking me to the train station. The next day I got checked for STI's and they told me to report to the police but I was too scared. I was drunk, wearing a short skirt, he would say it was consensual, no one would believe me."
"
#metoo A boy I considered a close friend. He came round one day to see if I was going out but I was sick so he decided to stay in with me. My family went out so it was just the two of us. We were chatting then he put his arm around me and before I knew it he was trying to kiss me and had his hand down my pants. I told him to stop and that I didn't want to but he did not stopped and tried to put my hand down his pants. Luckily my parents came back and that made him stop. He was very forceful and I am so glad my parents came in or I don't know what would of happened."
"
#metoo In high school I was friends with this boy, we used to joke and flirt but nothing serious. We lost touch for a couple years when we left school but bumped into each other again and decided to me meet up. We went for coffee and then went back to his shared student flat. In his room we started kissing, he kept moving his hand towards my breasts and I kept removing it. Then suddenly he put his hands down my pants, I froze. He started to unbuckle his trousers which is when I burst into tears. For years I blamed myself, but my friend helped me realise I did nothing wrong."
"#
metoo I was on a night out with who I thought were my friends and they spiked me. I passed out and woke up naked with two guys next to me. To make it worse they had took pictures of me naked which they used against me. This is the first time I have told anyone about this."
"#
metoo I went to a house party and got spiked. A man forced himself on me. It has a horrific experience"
"#
metoo I was groomed when I was 13 years old. A man who told me he was 17 when he was actually 40 threatened me saying if I did not send me him photos of myself naked then he would find me and do horrible things to me. This went on for months. Then he convinced me to travel to meet him. Thankfully I got scared and went home before we met. By then my mum had checked my phone and took me to the police to report everything. Turned out he had done this to 3 other young girls and worse."
I have no words. It is heartbreaking to hear that not only does this happen SO often but that women are so scared to speak out because of the high chance of victim blaming.
What needs to change....
There are many things that need to change in order to stop victim blaming and encourage more people to speak up. First of all, when people come forward about sexual assault or harassment they should NEVER be met with such questions as "What were you wearing?", "But were you drinking?" "Did you lead him/her on?", "Are you sure they raped you?". Automatically making the victim feel discouraged, ashamed, disbelieved and all the more traumatised. Yes there needs to be an investigation that involves questions but questions that are clearly trying to convince the victim that they are wrong should not be aloud. No matter what someone is wearing, whether they are drinking or not, it does not matter Rape is rape. No is no. It also does not excuse the criminal if they were drunk (not that they don't try to use this as an excuse). I have been drunk before and never once have I tried to assault or harass someone. Ever! Also I have come home drunk before and Reece has never EVER took advantage of that. Showing that in either case being drunk has nothing to do with it. As for what someone is wearing, this being an all to common phrase used when victim blaming women who have been assaulted. That is absolute nonsense! Not just in these situations, women are judged for what they wear constantly! From a young age we are told to cover up and told 'your not going out wearing that someone might get the wrong idea" it is absolute insanity. Speaking as a mother, Ella-Grace could go out wearing anything, heck she could go out wearing nothing and she still would not be 'asking to be raped' or in any way should not be respected. I will never understand how people don't understand EVERYONE has a body, and they way anyone decides to show it is their business. No one should be judged, disrespected, bullied and definitely not assaulted! This I think is one of the main attitudes that need to change, that the girl who walked home alone in a short skirt is not a slut and did not get raped because of her clothing. She got raped because of the person who did it to her and they are the ones to be blamed not her or her clothing. Obviously same would go for males but there is no denying it is more of a problem on the female side. So instead of telling your daughters what to wear and what not wear, telling them they are 'distracting boys' tell them to wear what they want and that they should demand respect no matter what.
Another thing that needs to change is this normality over boys touching girls without consent (yes I know I am focusing on females but that is because yes, they are at more of a disadvantage). I have actually seen boys put a hand up a girls skirt grab their bum and friends say 'oh well that's just boys'. That is not and should not be 'just boys', boys should be taught that they cannot just grab girls like that. It is not accepted! TV shows have been tackling this recently such as '13 Reasons Why" showing how this 'norm' can really have affect on a girls self-esteem and also this 'norm' can make some boys (not all) think they can take advantage of a girl entirely. This is a big problem! Literally every girl I have ever spoke to has been met with grabbing, pulling, inappropriate touching at some point of their life at the hands of a boy or man who thought it was his right to take advantage of a girl. Again not all boys and some girls are to blame for this also they do grab boys inappropriately. It is wrong all round! So next time you see someones bum pinched, boobs grabbed, speak up! As this is assault they have no right to grab anyone like that. I know I will be teaching Ella-Grace to respect herself and also to respect others.
Thirdly, we need to stop praising those who have committed such crimes. Actors, directors, footballers, anyone who commits such a crime should not be a loud to continue in these professions. By this I mean if someone who is not in the public eye they will get punished for their actions (that is what it should be anyway). But someone famous too commonly can pay their way out of it and continue to be praised, loved, winning awards for their 'great work' despite the suffering they have caused others. Some disagree with this as their actions have nothing to do with their work but my point is if someone commits this crime they should be in prison, they should be punished meaning they would not have a job to do in order to be praised for it and win awards. For example if an actor is filming and mist filming they are convicted of sexual assault they should be fired from that film and do their time in their punishment. Without doing this they are likely to continue such horrible actions and it will fill other people round the world with the attitude 'they can get away with it so why can't I'.
Lastly, when it comes to men. Yes I know I have spoke a lot about women
because with out a doubt women are victim to sexual assaults more than men but
that does not mean it does not happen to men. I also think the statistics may
be slightly different if more men spoke up but why don't they? Simple. Because
society's thinks men shouldn't be emotional and that there is some type of
shame in admitting you as a man have been sexually assaulted or harassed. Many
reactions being that men love sex why would they complain? But just as women it
is not the victims fault and a man's no means just as much as a women's. No
matter what, no means no. We need to be there to support male victims, it is
not a joke, it is not okay. We need to teach our sons that it is okay to be
emotional and if someone disrespects you or mistreats you it does not make you
weak to speak up. More men have been speaking out recently, Johnathon
Sacconejoly (a famous youtuber) recently spoke out about his sexual assault. I
found this very brave and a great role model for other males to speak out! (video link 'I am a victim of sexual assault' ) I
want any male victims who are reading this to know there is support out there
for you and you have done nothing wrong! Links to support at the end of the
post.
Changing these things. Taking away victim blaming and the unspoken norm of inappropriate touching, more people would speak about assault and harassment and hopefully this crime could be reduced. Making boys aware of what they are doing is wrong (again not just boys and not all but I am pointing out the main problem in my opinion) the next generation will hopefully be more respectful. Letting men know it is okay to be emotional and speak out if you feel you have been affected. No matter age, gender, race, anything..touching someone without their consent, taking advantage of them, raping them is NOT okay.
Finished
That was a hard post to write but I am glad I have done it. I hope that I have done justice to everyone who has ever been affected with this. PLEASE comment any supportive messages, what you think need to change or if you have an experience similar, #metoo. Below I am going to add some links to places that can help you if you have been assaulted, documentaries and videos that I think highlight this problem! Please remember if anyone tells you they have been sexually assaulted or raped please believe them and help them. They chose you to confide in, they must trust you. Thank you to everyone who contributed, you are very brave! And this is where I will end this post. Thank you for reading.
Stay Happy Everyone :)!
