Recovery is possible: Overcoming anxiety, panic attacks and other mental health issues.

Take a Deep Breath and here I go...

I can't believe I am writing this. For my whole life I have kept this very private, secret even (apart from the minor details) but it is in no way something I or others who experience this should be ashamed of so for that reason I am sharing my story and encourage others to do the same. Let us help each other and fight the stigma of mental illness.
As you can tell by the title of this blog post, today I will be writing about my anxiety and panic disorder as well as other issues that I have experienced through this. Some things I am going to write not even close family know, but I feel now I am of sound mind and my mental health is the best it has ever been it is time to tell my story to hopefully help others and as I have already mentioned, end this silly stigma surrounding mental illness. So here it is, a genuine and candid story of suffering and then recovering from mental illness.

Warning: This post goes into intense detail of my struggles with anxiety, panic attacks and more. If you feel this might upset you this post might not be for you, if this is the case please skip this post and check out one of my other ones that might interest you more. 

Public knowledge... 
I have Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is public knowledge, I was diagnosed 2 years ago (although I have been suffering from it my entire life) and since then have not kept it a secret that I suffer from this and anyone who knows me personally has probably seen me in my bad times or at least had a discussion with me about this. For those who don't know much about Anxiety and Panic Disorder, the best way I can explain it to you from my experience is that I have CONSTANT anxiety and worry about everything, some being rational (this is the normal kind of anxiety) but a lot being irrational (this causing anxiety disorder). Because of this anxiety I have it causes me to have panic attacks, panic attacks for me start of with me being anxious about one thing then it builds up until I have a feeling of impending doom (like something terrible is going to happen) and that there is the peak of the panic attack where I start to either cry, pace, hyperventilate or sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I cant function, I just have to sit down and I can just about breath but that is it. Panic attacks can last for hours, luckily now I know signs and triggers so can easily diffuse one (usually) but a year or so ago it would be so bad I would end up in hospital or I would go to drastic measures to make it stop which brings me to my next point, the secrets.

My secrets are out...
So as I said anxiety and panic attacks are no secret of mine but the way I have dealt with them in the past or just how low I have got through my disorder I have kept secret from pretty much everyone, even family. Reece is the only person who knows everything until now so here it goes.  Since I was about 16 till about the end of 2015 I self-harmed. Just typing that is scary but as I've said these things should not have to be hidden and I refuse to hide it anymore. I don't really know where to start with this I have never told my whole story before to anyone but I'm going to try my best.
I started off light, I would break the blade out of my razor and just do little scratches, just one at first. I cant explain the reason except when you are having such bad anxiety and especially if it turns into a panic attack you will try anything to get it to stop and the best way to do this is distraction. Now I always tried to distract myself in other ways (watching TV, reading etc. ) but sometimes my anxiety, like a little mean voice in my head would take over and the only way I felt like I could shut that voice up and in a way punish myself for being a bad person (this was what my anxiety always convinced me of) was to inflict pain upon myself. And for that split second of pain, that voice would be gone as your mind is too busy focusing on the pain. But that's exactly the problem, it distracts you for a second and when that second is over that's it back to anxiety and panic and now you have the added stress of that little voice going "why did you do that?" "how are you going to hide it?" "Your such an idiot!" "Everyone is going to hate you". In this deep anxiety you can't think straight so your irrational thoughts convince you to cut again, cut deeper, then one cut turns into an arm full until your sitting there in pain, regretting it and by then you have bled and cried so much you just go to sleep. Now this progression from lightly making one scratch to cutting a lot happened gradually to start with but once I moved out and started going on nights out where alcohol was involved (which is a depressant in itself) is when it got really bad. Thankfully Reece stuck by me otherwise I don't know where I would be today.

The darkest time...
Just a warning again before you keep reading. If you cringed at the paragraph before this one or it is making you feel sad STOP READING!! I have written this so people can relate and hopefully myself and others wont feel so alone in this, I do not want hate or to cause anyone any sadness all I want is to tell my story and show others that there is light at the end of the tunnel so if you are here because you want to know there is light then please keep reading. This paragraph as I have said explains the darkest time in my life but it IS followed by recovery!
By 18 years old I had been self-harming on and off for about 2 years and I was now moved in with Reece. We had so many good times in the first flat we had, lots of laughs and fun, I loved living with Reece then and I still do now. But in between all these fun times I always had bad times usually when I was alone in the flat, multiple times Reece would come home to me crying, having a panic attack with cuts on my arms. He has always dealt with it so well so many times I expected him to leave or not be able to deal with it but he always stayed, not only that he looked after me and was always calm.
This again went on for a while, I would have a good, happy few weeks then plummet back down to depression. Then we moved flat to the one we are still in now and in November 2015 I had been signed off work due to being in and out of hospital for my anxiety and panic disorder (this being when I had finally been diagnosed). This was a very low time for me not mentioning the money trouble me and Reece got in due to me not working, I was now getting help for my anxiety and panic attacks in the form of medication and I was on a waiting list for counselling (3 month waiting list....) with all intentions of wanting to get better but then another wave of anxiety and panic happened one night, this worse than I had ever experienced. Reece was meant to be going out that night and I remember lying in bed thinking 'I cant do this' and 'No one cares about me' and then I swallowed a handful of my medication. The medication I was on being one that slows down your heartrate to stop panic attacks was highly dangerous if you took to many so I lay down expecting not to be here the next morning, then I don't remember much. I remember Reece talking to an someone on the phone (he had phoned an ambulance) and I remember the paramedics coming in and helping me down the stairs. I was taken to A&E where they did a number of tests and luckily I had taken enough to lower my blood pressure/heartrate significantly but with close monitoring of my heart over night and a talk with the psychiatrist the next day I was aloud to go home and advised to rest it off and try contacting the counselling again. After this scary incident I am sad to say I did the exact same thing a month later this time my body (thankfully) rejected the tablets and I spewed most of them back up, again meaning with close monitoring over night, a talk with the phychiatrist and my arms being bandaged up (as I had also severely self-harmed) I was again sent home. That being the lowest point of my anxiety but good news it went up from there.

Recovery and how I got there...
Now I know there is probably a lot of readers thinking 'she just did that for attention' and trust me I have heard it all before but do you know what.. YES! Yes I did it for attention but not the kind of attention you are thinking. I didn't want people to feel bad for me or give me sympathy, I wanted HELP! Yes at the time of taking the tablets I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore but part of me deep down wanted someone to save me, someone to help me. I felt like I needed to try to commit suicide so I would be taken to hospital so someone could help me, save me, someone could take away this horrible monster which is anxiety surely that's what happens if you are that depressed you want to die right? Unfortunately with me experience in the hospital/doctors I barely got a simple 'don't worry its going to be okay'.
'Here take some leaflets' 'Take more pills' 'Don't worry your on the waiting list for counselling...oh wait sorry you will have to apply again' this being the kind of things every single medical professional I spoke to said/ did for me. I was literally sitting there begging for them to help me and I would be sent home with a leaflet, more pills (that I had just overdosed on) and a promise that 'a counselor will contact you'. Now I am not bashing the NHS, the NHS is amazing and there are so many talented medical professionals helping/saving people every day but when it comes to Mental Health in my experience it is lacking, I felt worse after seeking help than I did before mainly because I still wasn't getting help after asking for it. At one point I was actually given a number for an organisation that I was told was going to 'help me a lot' if I gave it a call so I plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and to my disappointment the women on the phone told me that they were unable to help me unless I needed a home carer or residential care.. the irony being that I was now working as a carer so the fact that I was being asked if I needed a home carer was almost laughable. I felt so misunderstood and helpless. This is when I decided to change things on my own. I cut out caffiene, lowered my alcohol intake, started seeing friends/family more, reading more, really focusing on my triggers and learning to control them. On top of all this one of the biggest things I did was stop taking my medication- now this was discussed with a doctor and the decision was made to stop taking it as it made me feel worse and gave me the overdose temptation when I felt down, I am NOT recommending stopping your medication without professional help- this really helped me. So slowly but surely I was spending more time with Reece, family and friends, I stopped self-harming, I learned to deal with my anxiety, I recovered, I was happy. Then just as I was feeling my happiest, I found out I was pregnant with Ella-Grace (funny how life works) and since then right through my pregnancy and since having my beautiful baby girl I have been the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes, I have anxious times and yes I have had panic attacks especially when experiencing baby blues (which I have wrote about in my baby blues blog post) but oh my goodness I have never felt better. And being a mum although stressful, it has given me purpose, it has made me so so happy. My baby girl means everything to me and that I would of never had if I succumed to my demons. I am so thankful that I made it through to the otherside, HAPPY!

The people that saved me... 
Although I say I recovered myself really it was the support from so many people that got me through.

My friends:
 I have so many wonderful friends that helped me through my hard times but the two I would like to thank especially is two of my best friends Holly and Ellie, I seen them pretty much every week through my tough times and recovery and the support from them was amazing they reminded me every time I seen them that I was important and they loved me so much, so many nights out through my bad times I remember sitting for hours talking to them about my struggles and they would listen. With most of my friends living out of Aberdeen, having friends I could see often was what I needed. Charleigh and Keely, my two best friends who live out of Aberdeen were also a massive support even though most of the time it was over text, those text conversations were so vital in my recovery.

 


My family: 
My family still do not know to the extent my struggles unless they are reading this now which sounds crazy I know that they are finding out in writing but I have always been better getting things out when I write them than speaking and if that's what is best for me I hope they understand. Anyways even though they did not know a lot about my struggles they were still there, every visit to see my parents distracted me from my struggles and reminded me how much I would hurt these people if I wasn't here, how loved I am by my family is what always kept me strong.

Reece, Reece and Reece again:
WOW. There is nothing else I can say that would be able to explain how much he helped me except he is my hero. He saved me, he is the reason I am here. I can't count the amount of times he let me shout at him for no reason because I was having a panic attack that I couldn't control, he picked me up off the floor after crying so much I passed out, he cleaned and bandaged my cut arms, slept in hospital waiting rooms because he didn't want to leave me or stayed up all night even if he had work the next day because I couldn't sleep because of stress. People say love is dead, this is love. Putting up with every breakdown and never even coming close to breaking his calm vibe, never coming close to leaving. He always stayed. He always cuddled me even when I told him to get off-which I never meant. Everytime I said I don't want to be in this world anymore he would pull me out of that dark place with tears in his eyes telling me how important I am and how loved I was. This is movie love, I owe him my life. Reece if I don't tell you enough I adore you, I love you.

(by my hospital bed all day)

A message to readers....

So that's my story and with a tear in my eye I end it here. Before I finish though I would like to say to anyone struggling with demons as I did, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! I know that can go in one ear and out the other but please please listen to me you are loved, you are important and i know you feel horrible now but I hope my story shows you that it can better! I went from the darkest place, wanting to leave this world to becoming a mother and soon to be wife with a wonderful future ahead of me, I would never of experienced that if I wasn't here, I wouldn't of had my daughter, I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't have a future and I am SO thankful I do. The future is bright I promise. I hope this story encourages you to reach out to a doctor, a family member, a friend or even a pet if that's the only way you can get your feelings out. Even if you write it out like this first. Please, please get help even message me, my Facebook page is tagged on my blog page I will find the time to talk to you. Just don't give up. I will be doing a tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks soon maybe that will help. I know this final message is a bit all over the place but I just really don't want anyone to think they are alone they are not. So yeah I guess I should end this here and as I publish this post I am ready for the judgement, the confusion from family and maybe even some hate. But if there is one soul in that sea of judgement I helped with this post it will have been all worth it. Getting this all out has took a weight off my shoulders also which feels amazing. Leave some feedback in the comments, if your comfortable maybe even tell me about your recovery? Always happy to hear from my readers, till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

 

How to start a blog

Another requested blog post....
Hello again readers! I hope everyone is doing well. When I posted on my social media asking what you guys would like me to write about I was overwhelmed with the response, so I am trying to work my way through each request this bringing me to today's blog post. 'How to start a blog'. This was requested by a reader who wanted to start a blog but didn't know how, I hope this helps. I am going to put down the steps that I went through when starting a blog, you obviously don't have to do them in this order or even this way (I am still new to blogging remember) but this is the way I went about starting 'LauraJane Life'. Enjoy!

Step 1: Research blogs/What do you want to blog about 
When starting a blog most likely you will already have an idea what you want to post: photography, beauty, lifestyle, reviews and more are all things a lot of people choose to blog about. So with me the first step was deciding I wanted to start a blog, knowing I wanted to write about being a new mum, my lifestyle and opinions (basically just an online diary for me to be honest I didn't expect others to like it so much). If you don't really have an idea what you want to blog about then you could always research other blogs for ideas and inspiration. Some people at this point may think of a title for their blog page, I personally didn't until the next step (took me forever) but feel free to do that first. So when you have your idea and know roughly what you want to blog about it's time to move to the next step.

Step 2: What site to use to set up your blog page/setting up your page 
There are multiple different sites you can use to set up your blog page, the two well known and most used ones being Blog spot (being the one I use) and Wordpress. Both these sites as far as I am aware are free, some other sites you may have to pay to set up your blog so be careful when signing up if you do not wish to pay to start your blog, remember to read the t&c. I chose Blog spot after watching a very old video on You Tube of 'Zoella' and 'Sprinkle of Glitter' in which they said they used Blog spot and that it was very simple to use and set up, being a massive fan of 'Zoella' of course I used the same platform as her. But yeah it's been a few months since I started my blog now so I can't remember every detail about setting my blog up but I remember you make an account (email and password) then the website takes you through each step including title, tag line, layout, pictures etc. with very clear instruction. Very simple and quick and obviously I enjoy using this platform so I would recommend this one but feel free to try others I just can't give advice on those, sorry.

Step 3: Write your first blog post 
I decided to write my first blog post before setting it up on social media etc because when I set up my Facebook page I wanted to have a blog post to post with it so it wasn't just a blank page (also I already had an Instagram and I just used the same one for my blog). I personally decided to write an introduction to my blog and myself, I felt this would invite people into my blog page and hopefully make people want to read what would come next (luckily worked for me). But you might want to jump right in and write a blog post about your chosen topic without an introduction, as I've said it is totally up to you this is just how I've done it. So write your blog post- it may take a while as it is your first one- proof read, add labels (words that link to your blog post so if people search one of those words your blog may come up), your location (if you want) and some picture. Preview it then publish! Now you are a blogger!

Step 4: Let people know about your blog through Social Media 
After I posted my first blog post I posted it on my personal blog page, a lot of my friends liked it, shared it and followed my page this prompting me to make an actual Facebook page for my blog which is what I did next (Facebook again gives you a step by step guide in making a page). I then posted this on the Facebook page and then again on my public Instagram. I personally don't have twitter but that would also be another form of social media that you might decide to use to promote your blog. And with any luck your blog will hopefully pick up!

More Tips...

- Hashtags are your best friends: they bring more people to your post therefore more views.
-Blog often (if possible)- the more you blog the more attention your blog gets.
-If you can't blog for a while make sure your readers know, post something on social media to keep them around.
-Writers block? Read other blogs or ask readers for ideas!
-Keep your layout up to date and interesting!
-Promote, promote, promote! Always post your blog posts on your social media, ask your friends to read and share, tell people face to face about your blog! You can also pay for advertisements but that is up to you if you want to start paying for promotion.

And after all this (if your aiming to be a paid blogger) your page will hopefully get enough views for you to be accepted by google adsense-which I just have been yay!- where you can have adverts on your page and the more clicks the more money you get, but that takes time so be patient! As amazing as it is to be paid to blog,  you have to not be blogging just for the money in my opinion, you have to enjoy it that way your readers will to! Your enjoyment will spread to your writing!

Hope that helps....
I hope that helped and if you are going to start a blog please leave a link in the comments or a usual any feedback! Good luck blogging fellow loggers and for those who enjoy being the readers not the writers I hope you continue to enjoy my blogs! Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

Mum Truths: Being a Mum but still being Me

Let me explain...
Hi readers!! I couldn't come up with a title to this blog that I felt explained well enough what I am going to write about so I am going to explain. When you become a mum that is fully what you are 24/7 a mum, everything is about the baby and you are mum. This being one of the biggest honors in the world, being able to be a mother is a privilege but at the same time you still are you, your still a person aside from your baby and sometimes this get's lost and mothers (and fathers I am sure experience this too) can feel guilty when feeling upset that by having a baby they don't feel themselves anymore. This is a feeling a lot of mums get including myself and not something to feel guilty about, so today that is what I am writing about. Keeping your sense of self/identity and having me time.

There is no shame....
Why the guilt? Why the shame? This should not exist. Having a baby is amazing and rewarding and as I said in the previous paragraph being a mother is something to be thankful for as not everyone gets this amazing opportunity. But people must remember that before a mum became a mum, they were just their own person with dreams, hobbies and opinions. All these things are still there when a woman becomes a mum but it can sometimes get lost and its okay to want that sense of self and time to be you away from your baby. In fact in my opinion this shows how much of an amazing mum you are, I myself want to show my daughter my dreams, my opinions and my hobbies. I want to show her that Mummy has a strong sense of self and on top of being your mum has goals of her own. Having a desire to find yourself again after having a baby doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human.

My experience...
I have always valued my independence and my ambitious nature. Since I was younger I have always had goals, dreams that I wanted to reach. Strong opinions and hobbies that I could list for anyone that asked. When I became a mum as much of a gift that was after a few weeks I did realise that I was feeling a bit lost. I adored my baby and being a mum had changed my life for the better definetley but I felt like if someone asked me my hobbies I wouldn't be able to answer or if someone said what's your goals in life I would be stuck for words. My blog really helped me as this was something that was mine but even most of my blog posts are about me as a mum for other mums and sometimes I would go weeks without posting. And as a lot of other mums do, I felt guilty for wanting my sense of self back, felt guilty for wanting to have me time to be that ambitious 20 year old I was and still deep down am.
Even though this was a concern for me to honest until recently I didn't have time to deal with it. Obviously Ella-Grace is my top priority and I was, still am adjusting to being a new mum. Some days I struggled to have a shower while Ella-Grace is napping let alone have some me time and find my identity again.

One step at a time...
The past few weeks as Ella-Grace has gotten a bit more independent (happy to sit or play for a while without my constant attention) and she has been a lot better when she is with Reece when I'm not there, I have managed to fit in me time. I started with just taking long baths which I have always loved to do (especially with a LUSH bathbomb, YES!) then I started to blog a bit more frequently, started exercising again, joined a creative writing class and as of yesterday I have officially applied to do my degree ( English Literature and Creative Writing) through Open University starting in October- this being something I have always aspired to do, get a degree. Obviously I didn't jump from having a long bath to Open University overnight, I had been thinking about applying since I was pregnant I just had lost that ambition being so focused on being the best mum I could be.

Why I don't feel guilty...
I have explained this a bit already but to make it personal to me, I did not feel guilt because I do everything I do not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to show her that you can do anything you put your mind to, you can be a mum and also get a degree (something many people tell you is impossible). I want to show her that you can look after your family and enjoy me time. I want her to know it is okay to think about yourself and that looking after your self physically AND mentally is good for not only yourself but the people you care about to. You can do your best when you are feeling your best and it is okay to make sure of that. A lot of mums and dads reading this might have different ambitions to me, they might not care about a degree and want to stay home with their children which is amazing! My point is you are showing your children that you know who you are, you make your own choices in your life and you look after yourself as well as others. This being a very, very important lesson to children and will in my opinion be key to their confidence and happiness in later life. I want my daughter to have a strong sense of self and never feel guilty about loving and taking care of her own needs, something society seems to make us feel bad about which is why this is so vital.

Hi I am....
So to conclude... Hi, I am LauraJane Bethune (soon to be Webster) I am 20 years old, engaged and have a daughter called Ella-Grace who is 3 months old. My hobbies are reading, writing and socialising. My goals are to get my English Literature and Creative writing degree and hopefully get a well paid job from this, I aim to be a good mum to Ella-Grace (and maybe another baby one day),get married to Reece, hopefully move to Edinburgh one day with my little family, go abroad with Reece and Ella-Grace for the first time and hopefully get rid of some baby weight (although not top on my list). I have strong opinions on equality and feel that my best qualities are being open-minded, kind and ambitious. I struggle with anxiety and can be a bit of a control-freak but I work on this everyday.
That's me and I am thankful I know who I am and as I have already said, I can show my daughter that this is important. I hope all you readers, anyone who might feel a bit lost finds your sense of self soon or even just finds a hobby they can do once a week that is a baby step. Comment below who you are? What are your hobbies, goals or opinions? I love to read your comments and feedback! Till next time readers (which will be very soon, I am super prepared this week haha)

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

One for the Dads. Happy Father's Day!

One for the Dads...

Working Dads, Stay-at-home Dads, Step-Dads, Dads who have adopted, New Dads, Grandads, Great-Grandads, Experienced Dads, Single Dads... To All the Dads in the world; HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! 

The role of a Dad is so vital and in my eyes just as important as the Mum's role but for some reason it often gets over looked or put down, but today it's all about you guys! This one is for all of you great dads in the world, your all doing a great job well done!

The Dads in my life.... 

My Dad... 

My dad is annoying, cheesy and has embarrassed me multiple times but I wouldn't change him for the world. We have had our fair share of arguments (especially when I lived at home) but his strength, confidence and selflessness is something I have always admired. I am lucky enough to have my mum and dad still together (a rare thing nowadays) and I have never seen my Dad treat my Mum with anything but respect and love from this I always knew if I were ever to be in a relationship with someone I knew how I should be treated and how I should treat them, with only respect and love. So when I met Reece and he treated me the same way I had seen my Dad treat my Mum I knew I had a keeper. No matter how much pain my dad is in he will offer to cook you something or carry your bag, no matter how little money he may have he is constantly trying to pay for things for you or make sure you have everything you need. Not to mention his cooking is THE BEST and he is an amazing grandparent to Ella-Grace (even if he can't cope with her crying haha), she loves her Pops! My Dad and I have totally different opinions on things and sometimes he really winds me up but his heart is good and I am lucky to call him Dad. So Dad, Happy Fathers Day sorry I cant be there today but me, Reece and Ella-Grace will see you very soon.

Reece's First Father's Day...

Happy First Father's Day Reece! Since the day I met you, you have respected, loved and empowered me in our relationship and now as our baby girl grows you will- as my dad did- show her how she should be treated and as you have me, you will love and empower her to do what she wants in life, I couldn't ask for a better Dad for our little girl and she just adores you in every way. Everytime you come home from work her little face lights up and it melts my heart! I have no idea how we got so lucky to have you, WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Sorry for the cheesiness readers but I mean every word of it. I have always my independence and never agreed with partners telling each other what to wear, what to do etc. and you have not only empowered my independence but also defended it in situations where people stereotyped our relationship (for example me being only aloud to do something when you tell me to, you would always defend me/back me up and say I make my own decisions). This being something I have always appreciated through out our relationship and what made me fall in love with you, the fact that Ella-Grace has a dad who will empower her independence and encourage her to follow her dreams means so much to me and is all I could ever want for our daughter. I could go on and on about what an amazing person/ dad you are, about how hardworking, kind, funny and what a hands-on dad you are but I would probably write a novel haha. Actions speak louder than words and right at this moment you've not long come home from work and you go straight to Ella-Grace, that says it all.

Why I am who I am....
I owe so much of the person I am today to these two men, so thank you again for being amazing, helping/supporting me and if I haven't said it enough already, Happy Fathers Day!!!

Dads all over the world....
As I said at the start this is to all the Dad's of the world, all shapes, sizes, all different parenting styles. Dad's are so important and so much of the time aren't mentioned unless its a joke about what Dad's do wrong which in my opinion isnt good enough. So today Dad's I'm writing to say Well done for the amazing job your doing not only looking after your children but also supporting your partners or maybe doing it on your own. There are so many different types of Dad's is hard to include them all but to all the different Dad's and all the different parenting styles you may have, Happy Father's Day!

Just a short one....
That's all really, just a quick post for Fathers Day. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Dad or some Dad's may have sadly past so please make sure you say Happy Fathers Day to your Dad, Grandad, Step Dad or Dad's today, also (not to take away from dads but i think this is important to recognise) if you have a single mum, who'd doing it alone make sure you say Happy Fathers day to her too! Thank you for reading, why not leave a little comment telling me about your Dad or what you did for Fathers day this year? Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone:)!

Mum Truths: Baby Blues

Time to talk about it....

(Above photo I was having major baby blues but adoring my baby girl at the same time so I posted it with a happy caption on Instagram, just shows how people can put on a front)

Hi readers and welcome back to my blog! I hope you all enjoyed the first instalment of 'Mum Truths' and if you haven't read it yet why not give it a read after this one and give me some feedback. So last time I spoke about my experience of breastfeeding and how its going thus far (will probably have to write another one as its all changed this past week) and now for this 'Mum Truths' you will be reading the experience I have had on baby blues, this is one that when I was pregnant I had heard of but most of the time the topic had been brushed away I had no idea quite how intense and awful baby blues can be. Maybe it was worse for me because I already suffer from a disorder or maybe its this way for everyone and it's just not spoken about (which it should be) I don't know but anyway this was my reality. Enjoy the read and comment below your experience I would love to know.

Anxiety and Panic Disorder...

Before I even touch on baby blues I must briefly explain some issues I had prior to baby, anxiety and panic disorder to be exact. For as long as I can remember I have had constant anxiety about things, to start with thinking everyone had this but no one spoke about it until I got diagnosed after having a series of scary panic attacks, major anxiety and high blood pressure about 2 years ago. Many people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and everyone is different but for me the best way I can explain it is I have a constant stress or worry about things that shouldn't need a lot of overthinking and often this can lead to a feeling of what the doctor described as 'impending doom'- like everything is going wrong and I struggle to function, I usually end up pacing, crying and hyperventilating (this being when I cant control them which is rare now thank goodness). I'm not going to go into too much detail about this as I am going to do a separate blog post on it but that is the basic facts you need to know that might contribute to my experience of baby blues.

A rollercoaster of emotions....

So having a baby is a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute your baby is sleeping in your arms and your on this massive loving high then the next minute your baby is crying and you cant figure out what's wrong bringing you down very low. It can be a vicious cycle but at the same time amazing as any parent will tell you I'm sure.
So when my daughter was born and at 1am we were wheeled through to the ward I was full of adrenaline and love, she was a calm little darling who latched on moments after birth and we spent that entire night/early hours of the morning cuddling and bonding it was a magical, happy time and that initial bond I am so thankful for as that is what got me through the baby blues. My heart goes out to the mothers who struggle to find a bond, if you are one of those mums or dads don't worry that bond will come! With this amazing instant bond between us my journey into motherhood definitely started on a major high but as most major high feelings go it came crashing down throughout the second day/night of Ella-Grace's life (this is touched on in my last blog post). Ella-Grace started crying more due to my milk not coming in straight away and her having a bit of tummy trouble (apparently common for C-section babies) and being a first time mum on no sleep, in pain from the surgery and to top it all off having anxiety and panic disorder- baby blues hit me hard on that second day.
Having to deal with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life though I was quite good at putting on a front when my parents came to visit ignoring the sad feelings I was having, holding back tears and just focusing on how amazing my little girl was but with my main support (Reece) being at work for the entire day when they took Ella-Grace for her checks and the midwife tried to help me get out of bed, to the shower and back for the first time the pain and overwhelming blanket of sadness was too much and I cried in my bed for a while until the midwife came back with my little bundle of joy who I looked at and just cried more because I felt like I was doing wrong by her. 'What are your crying for you have a beautiful baby girl?' 'Your being stupid' 'You can't have a breakdown, your a mum' all these thoughts that I now know are wrong were going through my head and at the time they felt like very valid points. After again crying when Reece came to visit that night I tried to push it down again thinking its just cause I'm not at home I will feel completely better when I'm home right? If only.

Home but not happy... 

Tuesday 21st March 2017: Time to go home! Fighting through my anxiety I was excited to go home telling myself being at home would make me more relaxed and it seemed to be working... then the complications started. That morning I had asked the doctor to give me at least an hours notice before I had to leave because my parents lived an hour away and they were taking me home to which the doctor replied no problem, you wont be out till about 4pm anyways. So the day was passing Ella-Grace and I had passed our checks (my temperature was a bit high but they said it wasn't anything to worry about) my friend Charleigh and her mum came to visit at 2pm thinking they could stay with me until I had to go... "You can leave in 10 minutes" WHAT??? 2pm, 2 hours before I told my parents I would be out and the doctor said they needed the bed for someone else so I had to leave in 10 minutes to which I obviously said my parents wouldn't be here till 4pm, so they told me to go to the waiting room. Now the staff I had through my whole Labour and Delivery were amazing but the fact that my baby was 2 days old, I was a new mum and I was being basically forced out of my bed to the waiting room was a shock and made me a nervous wreck. Luckily my friend and her mum watched Ella-Grace as I got dressed and then helped me move all the stuff (which was a lot!) to the waiting room. About an hour came and went, my friend and her mum went home and I was alone in the waiting room just me and my new baby, thankfully sleeping. For that entire hour after I felt unbelievably stressed, not in my own environment and in a room now with no help I was very anxious and just about managed to keep it together until my parents came. Again I know this isn't the staffs fault, if they need a bed they need a bed but two days after having a baby, your sore and emotional being rushed out and thrown about 10 000 leaflets that you are expected to read like NOW, it wasn't the happy, calm trip home I had envisioned and only added to my anxiety.
Finally home as much as I loved my family and appreciated all my parents had done for me I really wanted them to go, I felt overwhelmed with the whole stress of the way home and needed to be by myself to wind down and wait for Reece to get home. So they left and I basically cried, ALOT! Luckily Reece came home an hour later and had to literally put me in bed I was so exhausted and the amazing Dad he is he totally took over looking after Ella-Grace for the night. THIS. This right here is why I love him, he knows exactly what I need when I'm anxious and although to start with I felt like a bad mum for just going to sleep and not spending time with my baby I know now that if I had not let Reece take over (which was amazing bonding for them anyway) I may still be feeling baby blues and major anxiety today, I needed to recharge my batteries.

Oh no its 5pm...
So the next morning I felt great! I'd slept, I was home with my beautiful daughter and amazing fiancé, yes I was very sore from the C-section (thank goodness for pain killers) but I had a feeling of I could do this! The day came and went, it started to approach 5pm and my anxiety settled in, I was looking down at my daughter and PANIC! 'I'm a bad mum' 'I cant do this' 'Everything is so different and scary' All these thoughts going through my head, leading to a panic attack.
These feelings of baby blues had caused me to regress back to when my anxiety was bad and I again like all those years before was starting to have panic attacks every night for about two weeks! and as amazing it was bonding with Ella-Grace those first two weeks it was a struggle having a constant voice in my head saying I wasn't good enough for my baby and almost scared of her crying incase I couldn't deal with it. But I got through it.

How I got through it...
So luckily I now (8 weeks postpartum) am over the baby blues, I still deal with a lot of anxiety obviously but I have it under control thankfully, I know how lucky I am to be in this position as others aren't so fortunate. Key to me getting through it was the intense bond I have with my child (again very thankful that we bonded immediately), the support I had from my amazing partner/family and also KEY to getting through baby blues and first time mum fears in my opinion is pushing yourself to do what your scared of. I could of had all the support in the world and trust me, anything I needed Reece was willing to help but until you push yourself to do what your scared of anxiety and fear will hold you down. So are you scared to take your baby on the bus- go on the bus, scared to go to the shop with your baby- go to the shop and you will realise its not as scary as you have built it up in your head and if it doesn't go well that's okay you can try again when your ready. Do, do this with support though I would suggest and take small steps first like local shop before going to a busy shopping centre for example that's just my advice anyway if anyone was needing any. And this coming from someone who constantly battles with high anxiety and panic attacks on top of the baby blues I was feeling if I got through it so can you, believe in yourself.

Now...
So that's pretty much everything up to this point. It is currently 21:53, Ella-Grace is in bed, Reece is playing the PlayStation and I'm on here finishing this blog post off for you lovely people. Baby blues is tough but it DOES pass, yes I still stress I had a panic attack literally yesterday when Ella-Grace was away to get her injections but you know what she is fine now fast asleep at home and I am also fine, I am happy and I ADORE being a mum. And with that we have come to the end of the blog post I hope you enjoyed reading it and as usual I hope this helped someone out there feeling like baby blues will never end, it will and you are amazing!! Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Mum Truths: Breastfeeding

The first instalment....
Hi readers! Welcome back to my blog, this is the first of hopefully many 'Mum Truths'. In this blog post I'm going to be speaking about the reality of breastfeeding, my experience anyways. The things you don't get told, the things you do and the things you don't realise until your actually the one with the new born latched onto you. I hope this brings comfort and a sense of relief to other mums who might be going through the same stuff and even if your situation with your child is or was completely different here is an honest experience from one mum to hopefully many others who are trying their best. So before I start, to all you mums out there- Your doing great!! Enjoy the blog!

Breast or Bottle...
So to be clear I am pretty much exclusively breastfeeding (at the moment) with a bottle of formula in the afternoon and occasionally in the night. This I have been told is called combined feeding or combination feeding.
When I found out I was pregnant I was sure I was going to ONLY breastfeed! 'Breast is best' 'Its the natural thing to do' everyone said from strangers to health professionals which is not wrong, this opinion I agree with breastmilk is made for the baby of course its good for them maybe even it is best for them but in no way does that mean its easy to do or that bottle feeding/combined feeding should be negatively looked upon. Not knowing about combined feeding, hearing how terrible formula was for your baby (untrue) and being so keen to breastfeed my naïve prgnant brain thought it will be easy right? No. Although luckily I have not had as big a problem as some others have had it is far from easy and comes with challenges as any mother would know who has breastfed. Now being a mum I can see that everything to do with parenting comes with challenges- breastfeeding, bottle feeding, sleeping, bathing ect. - and we as mums and dads are just trying our best to be the best parents we can be, so to all those parents judging other parents for bottle feeding or judging that mum for breast feeding in public, just stop. We all need to support each other and realise we are all doing our very best no matter what choices we make or opinions we have we all have one thing in common, we love our children.  Breast vs Bottle debate resolved now back to my experience.

Latched on straight away but then...
After my beautiful daughter Ella-Grace was born and we got to recovery I was lucky enough for her to latch on automatically! Hearing how much other mothers have struggled with this (hold my hands up to you ladies I don't know how you did it) I am very thankful I didn't have that problem! So yeah she latched on straight away and the first night we had together was a relaxing yet surreal night I will never forget. Things seemed to be going well that entire night and most of the second day, then the night came and things got stressful. Not having slept in about 48 hours I was tired and very emotional, obviously to be expected as I just had a baby and as everyone liked to constantly remind me MAJOR SURGERY (this is exactly how people said it to me hahaha) Ella-Grace was still latching but would continue to cry after being fed.
Being in a ward with lots of other mums and mine screaming I felt like I was doing something wrong (sounds silly now but that's how I felt). Reece came to visit us and we were both a crying mess, still to this day I don't know how that didn't scare him away being the first time he'd seen us both since Ella-Grace was born. Anyway so there we were Ella-Grace and I uncontrollably crying and Reece also being a first time parent not really knowing what to do then thankfully the most lovely nurse came in and offered a formula feed as she advised me that my milk may be taking a while to come in. Reece accepted the offer for me and although I had no problem with formula the exhaustion and crazy hormone imbalance convinced me that I was failing at feeding already how was I going to do this!!
Reece had to leave (which only made me more upset) and I was left with the nurse cup feeding my little girl. I felt like a failure. And to this day I wish I knew that nurses name as she really helped me that night- helping me latch Ella-Grace on to get my supply going, leaving the buzzer close and telling me to buzz when ever she got too unsettled, positioning Ella-Grace in her crib in order to help her tummy, giving me advice and continuously checking on me to make sure we were both okay. Although it didn't stop me from being a complete emotional wreck it did help having someone I knew could help me.
I learned 2 important things that night that have stuck in my head.
1. The second night is always the hardest. I got told this by the midwife and several other mums, the first night your full of adrenaline then the second night the responsibility, exhaustion and hormones hit you and stress is at an all time high. But guess what? The second night ends and the next day begins.
2. Almost all babies have at least one cup feed in hospital. I was not a failure because of a little bit of formula and neither of course is any other mum that has to have their baby cup fed. It was at this point I decided to combine feed with a bottle in evening as it gave me peace on mind knowing that if she wouldn't/couldn't take from my breast at least she would be used to formula. This being a good decision given my situation at the moment which I will get into soon.

Back home and the first month...
The third day after I had Ella-Grace we were sent home! Nervous about being a mum and looking after her but looking forward to being in my own environment we set off home. That first night at home Reece really came to my rescue I was so exhausted and emotional I could not function properly. I feel guilty even saying that as I am not the priority, the baby is but as they say you cant look after someone else unless you look after yourself so that's what I had to do. Reece, my hero took Ella-Grace for a few hours and bottle fed her so I could sleep so when I got up after my first proper sleep in days there he was bottles sterilised and baby fed and fast asleep, if your reading this babe that really helped. An amazing dad from the start! So after this and up to now I have been combination feeding with no more than two bottles a day usually just the one in the afternoon. And apart from the normal breast feeding problems (sore nipples, constant feeding and soaking through breastpads ALL THE TIME) breastfeeding has been going well! Until about two weeks ago when a problem cropped up which might change the routine we have gotten so comfortable with.

Lactose intolerant...
Ella-Grace is now 6 weeks old and about 2 weeks ago she started to projectile vomit up all her milk, mostly after her formula but also after my breast milk. I spoke to my mum and the heath visitor about it and we came to the conclusion that she was lactose intolerant as I was as a baby. For those who don't know Lactose is a type of glucose that is in dairy products and I think (not a medical professional so don't quote me on this) there is some in breast milk but not a lot, and this is what my baby girl is allergic to. This means we had to switch to a lacto-free formula and I am now on a dairy free diet, originally I tried to cut down thinking it might help her grow out of it but she was still a bit sick so I have just boycott it entirely. So for the last two weeks after cutting that out and switching formula we haven't had any problems but today, the exact day I am writing this ironically, she has started to projectile vomit after breastmilk but not formula? Even though |I have cut out dairy? So that's the next challenge I am on and that is as far as my breastfeeding reality goes thus far.

Recap...
So to recap on my experience.. Latched straight away, breast milk production delayed, cup-feed leading to combination feeding, good few weeks of breastfeeding, lactose allergy appeared and now only processing formula. I have the health visitor again this week so hopefully find out the problem but who knows maybe breastfeeding will work out but maybe I might have to just feed her the formula which is something I never thought I would do because of the whole 'Breast is best' which I used to be so sure of but you know what things change and all babies are different and sometimes breast isn't best, what's best is whatever your baby needs/wants and as long as they are being fed that's what matters! So there it is my first 'Mum truths' blog post I hope you all enjoyed it thanks so much for reading and Ella-Grace if in the future you read this thanks for sleeping the entire time I typed it out haha. And again for all you expectant mums, new mums, experienced mums and not to forget the lovely dads your all doing a great job!!

Next time...
My next 'Mum Truths' will be on the topic of baby blues which will also include me talking a bit about my anxiety and panic disorder which obviously had a bit of a part to play in my baby blues and experience of becoming a new mum. I hope you will all be back to read it and that it might help someone going through similar things- as I always say that's the aim of my blogs, to remind people they are not alone and make a difference in this world we all call home.

And remember Stay Happy Everyone :)!

A Promise to my Daughter.

"If not me, who? If not now, when?"
- Emma Watson

I was born a girl because of this reason certain things were expected of me by society and the ideas I used to have on the world and my place in it was dependant on this minor detail of myself.
For a lot of my school years I thought what I wore had to be appealing to boys, to be worthy I had to have a boyfriend, wearing revealing clothing was "un-lady like' and meant I would not be respected. I used to think that some jobs were just for boys and as a girl my career opportunities were limited and because I was a female I had to act dumb, cause no one likes a confident, smart girl. As I grew up thankfully I saw my true potential was based on more than the gender roles that were pushed on me and since I've been very vocal on equal rights to make sure no one else feels this way but unfortunately this is still a reality in many schools, equality does not seem to be part of the 'curriculum'.

The word 'Feminism' usually has people running for the hills shouting things like 'man hater' but for me the word brings hope and invokes passion (To clarify by 'Feminism' I am talking about equal rights of BOTH genders-male and female- as the definition states). This being a term I never knew of in school but learned in college opening my mind to a whole new world of possibilities, helping me gain confidence in myself and changing me for life. As I said earlier I started to live my life and think of myself differently through my knowledge of equal rights. I fought back to any discrimination I felt I faced and empowered others to do the same, sometimes sticking up for equal rights can cause conflict or people to think your 'too senstitive' but the sense of confidence I had gained meant that I could logically retaliate to any tension, this being one of my qualities I am actually quite proud of . I often think if only I could speak to my 13/14 year old self and tell her what I know now, tell her to be confident, be empowered, don't accept sexism but unfortunately I can't. But I can or better yet we can help the future generation.

Recently I went through a life changing event, I had a baby. A daughter. A little girl who will grow in society the same as I did right? Wrong. I want her to view herself and her place in the world differently to how I did, I want her to feel strong, independent throughout her life and be treated equally without having to fight for it. So to hopefully make this happen this is my promise to my daughter and I encourage others to uphold a similar promise to their daughters and sons making for a better future because as I quoted at the beginning "If not now, when?"

My darling daughter,
I promise you that you will always know that you are unconditionally loved and valued through everything.
I promise to encourage you to be independent, dream big and break glass ceilings.
I promise to fight your corner if ever someone does you an injustice.
I promise to teach you how you should be treated and in turn how you should treat others.
I promise to educate you in your rights and that discrimination will not be tolerated.
I promise to tell you to be yourself not to conform to what society says a girl should be. 
I promise to let you make your own decisions and help you spread your wings.
I promise to give you advice when needed and leave you be when you want to work things out yourself.
I promise to show you the importance of valuing yourself based on what you think not what others think.
I promise to promote equal rights in my day to day life hopefully making a more equal society.
And above all I promise to  try and be the best mum and person I can be for you my sweetheart.
Through these promises in your life I hope you will always know that you can do anything and that your value is not based on your gender. I hope these promises empower you and that I can be the strong role model you need.

I know promises can be hard to keep, being a mum can be difficult and what my daughter will face in the world is out of my control but if I educate her in equal rights and encourage others to do the same things might change..
the future generation might be more equal.. boys feeling free to be sensitive... girls not being judged on their looks or on what they wear... equal pay... no gender roles..... more specifically maybe my little girl will be more confident in herself.. maybe if someone tells her she 'runs like a girl' she will think that's great... maybe she will see her career options as vast and not selective.... or if all she gained from these promises was a nagging mum telling her to always fight for what is right I would be okay with that, cause at least she would have this knowledge. That is so important.

A bit different to what I usually write but I was feeling inspired by my little girl and what I wish for her future, I hope you all enjoyed it and if you have a daughter or a son, I hope after reading this it reminds you to not only teach your children about equality but to also uphold this in your own day to day life. Change starts with you readers, make a difference! Thanks for reading!

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Induction: Early Stages

A Quick Update!

And let the Induction process begin! Hello readers, thank you for coming back to my blog people who have been before and if this is your first time here HEY hope you will enjoy reading. So currently 11.30pm, baby’s heartrate just checked (all looking good) and I am unable to get back to sleep. Good job I have my Queen B playlist and blog to keep me busy through this sleepless night.

So, since I can’t sleep or when I do manage to drift off I end up being woken up by nurses for checks I thought it would be the perfect time to write a quick update on what’s going on. At about 7am this morning I woke up and made some toast for me and Reece, riddled with nerves and excitement we ate our toast and got ready for the day. My parents who were driving us to the hospital left their house (which is an hour away) at 9am to come and pick us up, I phoned the hospital to ask what time they would like me to come in to which they responded with 11.30 am. YAY felt like baby girl was finally going to be here even though I know inductions can be lengthy at least it was a start. My parents arrived at around 10 am and we decided since we had time to kill we would go over the road for a cooked breakfast and a chat, my dad chill as usual and my mum beaming with excitement. Reece and I still feeling the same as we were earlier, excited, and nervous. Breakfast finished we headed to the hospital and got checked into the ward, Reece accompanying me to the ward and my parents waiting in the café until we could go out and meet them.

For anyone that is interested to know my birthing partners are obviously my fiancé, Reece, and my mum. So, they had decided to swap sitting with me in the induction as only one person is allowed in the induction ward with you (9am till 9pm) unless you go out to the lounge or café. This all things I learned today for the first time as it is my first baby, just relaying the information for all my readers who maybe have not had this experience before. Now checked in there was a lot of waiting, as there would be in a hospital it was quite busy. Surrounded by women who were all in pain and from what I could tell progressing a lot faster than I was, I expected this to make me more nervous but weirdly it made me less nervous knowing all these women were in the same boat as me and we would all have to go through a similar pain... don’t know if anyone else felt this way when they were in the hospital but that’s how I felt. I tried to take comfort from the other women’s pain instead of fear. Around 12.30pm the baby’s heartrate was checked along with my blood pressure- all fine- then my cervix was examined. Dilated 0… ugh. I expected this but still it’s disappointing, I just want my baby girl here! The midwife then inserted a pessary which she said would be in place for 24 hours unless I go into labour before this time. Here is hoping that it helps me dilate at least a little, 1cm and I would be ecstatic! The midwife informed me that I had to lie on my side for half an hour to which then I thought it was meant that she would come back to check but she didn’t so I ended up waiting for almost 2 hours just to find out she didn’t need to check on me and I could have gone for a walk. What an idiot I felt like haha oh well. So, I got dressed being careful not to dislodge the pessary and Reece and I went for a walk to meet my anxious parents who had probably had 5 + cups of tea/ coffee by now out of boredom.

An hour or two past, I had had a hot chocolate and gone for a walk to try get things going. Nothing yet. Went back to the ward to ask if we were okay to get a Chinese with my parents (Dad’s treat woo!) and eat it in the sitting area to which they were more than happy for us to do. After eating more Chinese food than I’d like to admit Reece and I went back to the ward to get baby’s heart rate checked again, all fine! Then midwife gave us the all clear to go for another wonder, back to the café we went! Time now being around half 6/7pm.

Reece, my parent’s, and I sat and chatted until about half 8 at which time I was shattered and had to be getting back to the ward anyways before they had to leave and go home. So, I said goodbye to my mum and dad until tomorrow and Reece came back with me to the ward to help me settle in before he had to leave.

Blankets now on my bed, teeth brushed, face washed, movie on and pyjamas looked out it was now time for Reece to go home until the morning. Cue floods of tears. I’m perfectly capable of spending time away from Reece but hormones kicked in and I don’t know it was just so nice having him near like a comfort blanket, damn love is weird makes you an emotional wreck. He dried my tears and gave me a cuddle then off he went for some well-deserved sleep. Miss him so much, roll on 9am!!

Now in my pyjamas, I watched the rest of the movie (Finding Dory btw) and tried to get some sleep. I got about an hour before being woken up for checks and that brings me to right now.

So, that’s the update! Not very interesting so far, aside from a few period type pains it was just a day of waiting around and replying to anxious messages from friends and family so sorry about that but my feedback from readers have praised my truthfulness and that’s the truth: Induction (to my experience so far anyway) is slow, slow and slow some more. A lot of waiting and checking and cups of tea... so much tea!!! I hope you enjoyed this quick update not sure when I will be able to post again as I’m hoping baby girl makes her appearance very soon and the next post I will be writing about will be my birth experience and introducing baby girl to the blog. Might take a while to get done as I’m sure baby girl will occupy my every waking moment but WATCH THIS SPACE! I will get there! Thanks for reading, feedback is always welcome! Till next time!

Stay Happy Everyone J! 

My Pregnancy Journey. (Part 3)

The Last leg of the Journey...
Welcome back readers! Thank you so much for reading this far, I hope you have all enjoyed reading about my journey just as much as I have enjoyed writing about it. An emotional rollercoaster pregnancy I have had but wouldn't change it for the world, I just can't to have baby girl in my arms finally! So to recap, the last two blog posts covered finding out I was pregnant to around 20 weeks pregnant (go read if you would like to catch up before reading this part!). In this final pregnancy blog post I will be writing about the last 20+ weeks of pregnancy and what me and my partner experienced during this time. Like life is, these weeks had its ups and downs but HEY we are still here going strong and looking forward to bringing our baby girl into the world by the end of this week (Induction scheduled for tomorrow woo!).

Scans, scans and more scans...
Weekly scans now, checking up on that hole in the heart and keeping track of baby girl's anatomy. I would like to take this moment to thank the doctor we had in the hospital for these weekly checks, since we had quite a bad experience at the first scan we really appreciated the way this doctor was with me especially. Helped me keep calm through my nerves. So a few scans had past each seemed to be a bit more reassuring than the other as baby girl's anatomy had been growing as normal and the hole in the heart although still present seemed to be getting smaller, healing hopefully.
For people that may not know when they are checking the heart on a ultrasound scan carefully they can put on a setting which shows the direction of the blood flow through the heart, in turn being able to see if the blood is going in and out of the right chambers/crossing over properly etc. (excuse my lack of medical terminology, it has been a while since I did my biology exam) So yeah checking this each time we had a scan it was a relief for us seeing that everything seemed normal and the hole had not caused miss-direction of blood flow as if this happened it could have been a completely different and fatal problem, we feel very lucky to have experienced this as we know some parents and their babies aren't that lucky unfortunately.
So between 25-30 weeks (cant remember exactly what week sorry) the doctor gave us the all clear to begin growth scans instead of anatomy scans, YAY! The baby's hole in the heart seemed to have healed but the doctor did let us know that scans can only be so accurate and baby girl may require to have a scan on her heart when she is born as well as other tests to check for down syndrome since she was high risk and also blood was to be taken from her umbilical chord due to my blood being O-negative, this though we had been told was easy to treat through medication and only a problem if our blood mixed. I feel I should mention there are other signs in the scan that can indicate down syndrome but none were found, these signs only being present in 50% of babies who have down syndrome so even though they weren't found in our scan she was still classed as high risk hence the extra after birth checks she will be having.
The checks after birth were not a worry for us, of course its not ideal no one wants their baby to have to undergo lots of tests you just want to cuddle them and protect them but we were just so happy that she was looking healthy enough to actually get to the birth part it could have been so much worse. We were so happy for the three of us, things were looking up!

Stressful events over yet?...
So I think it would be worth mentioning that while we were getting the weekly scans and obviously our biggest concerns were the baby and her health other big decisions and stressful events had occurred making things just that bit more difficult. I wont go into to much detail as I could take up a whole other blog post but here are the significant parts. Reece and I had some trouble with our new landlord, as nice as he was he was not ready to let go of his house and we felt more like the house was just that a house not a home, not the best when you are going to bring a baby into the world. We found ourselves missing the previous two bedroom flat we had, it was so much better for us for so many reasons (better landlords, more homely, we were free to decorate, better area, more shops, could actually get signal on our phones.. just to name a few reasons). Thankfully we were able to get our old flat back in the end and the landlords even agreed to take the rent down because they the same as us missed having us occupy the flat, so much to thank our landlords for its unreal! Life is so much easier when you have a great relationship with your landlords!
Another thing we had decided to do due to the baby and moving AGAIN was postpone our wedding (originally meant to be this year now going to be next year). This being difficult for us as we had a lot of it planned out already and we really wanted to be married but at the same time love is love no matter the circumstances and we didn't need a bit of paper to show us that we loved each other, I'd like to think anyone who met us could see that we were head over heals for each other. We knew we could get married whenever, the main focus was making a good home for the three of us and making sure baby girl had everything she needed before anything else. So that was that moving again and wedding postponed two very big decisions that happened at the same time as the constant scans checking on baby, lots of worry but we got through it! End of the stressful events right? Unfortunately no.
So by 34 weeks we had, had one other growth scan which went fine, nothing to report our baby girl was beautiful and healthy. But then we got the second growth scan accompanied by an appointment with the consultant and they found what was written in my notes as a red flag. Baby girl's estimated weight was on the small side as well as her femur bones measuring significantly smaller than her weeks. The sonographer kept her cool making us feel like it was not a big deal but her concern must of been shown in the notes as when we went up to the consultant she felt the need to remind us that we had a 1 in 5 risk with no invasive testing being done. I said I was aware of this and she nodded, circled "Small femur measurement" and left the room. I already knew what was meant by this but Reece was confused. While she was out the room I explained to Reece that a sign of downs syndrome being present was small estimated weight (her being 4 pounds when she was meant to be 5 1/2 pounds +) and also a short femur measurement, I knew this through the endless amount of googling I had done on pregnancy and down syndrome signs. Although many people tell
me not to google things or that its a bad idea I find it keeps my anxiety at bay being informed on everything and anything I could be. The consultant came back in and said that she had consulted with other doctors and they had agreed that it is not a massive worry at the moment but that it was something that they wanted to pay extra attention to in the next scan, subtly letting us know that it was a sign that they would look out for by again saying 'your baby is 1 in 5 of downs and at 20 years old this is very rare'. We left the scan happy to see our baby again but now worried about her more than ever, comforting each other with a tight grip of  each other's hand the whole way home and that night for the first time it was Reece that needed comforting. More than happy to return the strength he had given me over the years we spoke about everything, cuddled in bed with our little life and eventually we drifted off to sleep.

The final weeks...
Following this scan I had a midwife appointment, this being the third or fourth different midwife I'd actually seen due to all the moving and delayed appointments because of the switch of practice. The final midwife I had and still have now was lovely and bubbly but at this appointment I got a very serious tone from her setting alarm bells off. After all the normal checks, she asked 'are you nervous since you are 1 in 5 of downs?' and to that I answered not really, I'm excited and keeping positive. The midwife heard this and seemed to be very surprised '1 in 5 of down syndrome, so young, this is very rare.. I don't want you going into hospital unprepared for what might happen'. To the midwife's defence I think she meant this in the nicest way possible and was just trying to warn/prepare me for the checks and possible lengthy hospital stay ahead but I felt so anxious in that moment right there, a sudden feeling of oh my goodness my baby is so ill everything is going wrong! I smiled when I left but as soon as I was gone I was on the phone to Reece overwhelmed.
Luckily I had learnt over time how to keep my anxiety at bay and avoid full blown panic attacks but I do have a tendency to get a bit obsessive when over thinking so when I got home at the end of the day I spent hours searching everything on downs syndrome birth experiences and other mothers stories but unfortunately no amount of social media posts, blogs, YouTube videos, google searches or inspiring stories could stop me from worrying!
Since this appointment slowly I started to get less anxious and more content with the situation and again Reece and I were more excited than worried. With every strong kick in the ribs I got being a reminder that she was okay. I could almost here a little voice along with each kick saying 'Mum, Dad I'm fine in here! Stop worrying'.  Weeks passed heartbeat looked strong, each scan even though estimated weight being small there was still significant growth so the consultant went from alarmed to accepting she was just a small baby and her femur bone length could just be a result of me being smaller height than average. Finally all positive news! The first time Reece and I had felt like a run of the mill, no problem pregnancy rather than the HIGH RISK PREGNANCY of such a young couple. Baby girl was so close to being here now (I say 6 days overdue still no baby in my arms haha!)

Good times are here...

So from 37 weeks onward things were just getting better! My maternity pay had started finally after being delayed, we had prepared everything for baby girl, had an amazing pregnancy photoshoot thanks to my talented sister, baby showers (yes multiple, I have the best people in my life) and to top it all off Reece FINALLY landed a job he had wanted after a year of gaining experience.. this meaning more money for us as a family and an overall pretty perfect life, everything coming together all we had to do was wait for this baby girl to get here! Little did we know we would still be waiting at 41 weeks.. maybe I should of ate more spicy food who knows (old wives tales ah the disappointment they bring haha)! And that's it the end of my pregnancy journey, on the blog anyways I personally still have a possible few days left of carrying baby girl.

That's all folks...
For those of you who actually made it to the end of this blog post, sorry I know it was a long one but didn't want to miss any detail, thank you so much for reading and I hope you have enjoyed reading my journey. My pregnancy has been above all memorable and certainly worth while, I am beyond ready for baby girl to be here and hopefully she will be here before the week is out if the induction goes successfully tomorrow (Wish me luck!!). I would like to thank my fiancé, friends and family for supporting me I am blessed with some amazing people in my life and can't wait for you all to meet little one. Till next time everyone, thanks again hope to be introducing baby girl to you all soon!
Stay Happy Everyone :) !