Our TTC Story: Getting Pregnant with Baby #2

The secret is out...

Baby number 2 is on the way and finally I am able to share this with all of you. Now I can finally explain why I have been absent from the blog and why I have had posts 'pending' for a long time because many of them are about pregnancy and baby number 2, and as you will now read, trying to conceive. 

Before getting into this post I do want to say that this is all just my experience, opinions and emotions. I know that talking about TTC (trying to conceive), pregnancy, fertility, babies etc. can be triggering for some people who have had problems or bad experiences so if you feel this may upset you then please do not read or read with someone you trust to support you. Reece and I are very lucky to have our beautiful 20 month old daughter, Ella-Grace and to of conceived baby number 2 very quickly and although this time round TTC and pregnancy has proven to be a bit tougher that is nothing compared to what others go through and we feel so so blessed. I cannot stress that enough, I am so thankful. I just wanted to make that clear before I go into telling the story of our TTC journey. 

I also know that some people may feel uncomfortable with the topic of TTC because of course that involves somewhat talking about intimacy but that is how a baby is made and it is totally natural so I personally do not think it should be a taboo topic. We need to open up about these things and then maybe others will not feel so alone or awkward about their experiences. But if you are one of those people who do not wish to read about TTC and think it could be too much information then once again feel free to click away and you can come back for another post.  

With all that said it's time to get on with the post, starting with deciding to have another baby. Our last baby FOR SURE. 

Deciding to try for baby number 2 (our last child)...

New parents with our tiny Ella-Grace

Now you will have to forgive me for the blurry details, I may have been planning this post for a while but I am just now (13 weeks pregnant) finishing it off and my baby brain makes me forgetful. So after having Ella-Grace, Reece and I were not certain we wanted more children like some couples are. We were at that moment in time very happy with having just Ella-Grace and for all we knew this would be us set up for life when it came to the size of our family. Not ruling out the idea of more children completely but feeling confident that if Ella-Grace was to be the only child we chose to have that, that would be great and we were happy to have an only child. With this in mind around 4 weeks after Ella-Grace was born I got the contraceptive implant put in, feeling confident that we would not want another child (if ever) at least for the next 3 years which is how long the implant can stay in your arm before needing removed or changed. I decided on this form of contraception after a talk with my midwife and doctor about all the options I had and found this worked best for me. I did not have to think about it at all which is a plus for someone like me who has anxiety and would stress about taking tablets daily and it lasted a long time and as I said we were sure we did not want any other kids for a while if at all. I know that the implant can have some bad side effects for some women, in fact I know a lot of people who chose this and I think out of all of us I was the only one who did not have bad side effects so please do not take this as me recommending a course of contraception to you. If you would like advice on contraception please talk to a doctor not take my word for it as I am not a trained professional, this is just my experience. Anyways so yes from when Ella-Grace was 4 weeks old I was on the contraceptive implant lasting 3 years, until we changed our minds.

20 months old, 6 months left as an only child

Now do not get me wrong, I still think there are pros to having just one child. Many people said to me when I shared that we may just be having one child that it was not fair on Ella-Grace and that she would be spoiled and not have anyone to play with etc. This I do not think is true and is, in my opinion, a very judgemental way to look at a situation. There are many only children in the world and I can guarantee not all of them wish they had siblings and many of them are social and not 'spoiled' as people say. There is something truly special I think about putting all your time and energy into one child, that child being the centre of your world. This is what made us think we just wanted one child in the first place, because we just look at Ella-Grace and burst with pride and I loved the thought of everything I had being put in to raising our little angel and only her. Obviously this is not the path we chose to go down but we still believe this would of been great too and anyone who does wish to have one child, good for you, be confident with your decision and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We however changed our minds, for the following reasons.

36 weeks pregnant with Ella-Grace here 

The first reason being that I really wanted to experience pregnancy again and desperately wanted to have a natural birth. For those of you who have been reading my posts for a while you will know that with Ella-Grace I had an emergency c-section and although I did experience 10 hours of labour with only gas and air, I did not deliver naturally. Which as a woman is something that I am longing to experience. Not every woman does but I do and I think the fact that a woman's body can do that is so magical and although the pain is horrendous I really want to experience a natural birth once in my life. This may not happen obviously, birth is unpredictable and nothing is guaranteed but I am keeping hopeful that I will be able to do this VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I felt the first time around I did not appreciate being pregnant because of how excited I was to meet my first child, I wished it away and hoped that doing it a second time around I would appreciate it a bit more (proving to be harder than I thought but that's a different story). As well as this I know Reece wanted to be able to experience having paternity leave and actually spending some time bonding instead of having to go straight to work as he did for Ella-Grace. Because of a job change paternity leave was not available for Reece and the day after Ella-Grace was born he had to start a new job leaving me a new Mother alone with a new baby after a c-section straight away and Reece, a new dad not getting that bonding time. We both wanted time to get used to being new parents and enjoy our new family unit but never got that so that was definitely something we both thought would be amazing to get out of having another baby.

Another reason we started warming to the idea of having another child is that Ella-Grace is a very social child and loves other children. She is also very gentle with small babies and has not seemed to show any jealousy when I show attention to another child. So, where as some children may not benefit from a sibling or personality may fit being an only child, with Ella-Grace it was almost like she was telling us a sibling would be something she wanted. Obviously she is not really thinking that but we believe she will really rise to the challenge of being a big sister and will benefit. Children change all the time and who knows, she may become a bit more wild and less gentle, she will likely be jealous when baby gets here but in the long term I think in her situation she will love having a sibling. She already cuddles my belly and says 'baby', it is the cutest!

Lastly, we decided we wanted to try for another baby because well, we wanted another baby. I don't know what else to say about it. I have always been very maternal and I just felt in my gut that I was not yet done having children and although Reece at first was not sure he very quickly came to the conclusion that he felt the same and not only that we both automatically knew that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again that this would be our last baby. Being a family of four would be our family unit complete and this time there most definitely would be no changing minds. I know many reading this may say we could 'change our minds again' or 'you never know' but I can confidently say this will be our decision and after baby 2 is born we will be shutting up shop when it comes to baby making. Our reasons for this is a whole other post in itself so if you would like to hear that then please let me know.

So yes, around Ella-Grace's first birthday this conversation of having baby number 2 was opened up and we at first decided to start trying in September 2018, which quickly turned into August 2018 when the only appointment available for my implant removal (just over 1 year after getting it in) was scheduled for 31st July 2018. The reason for deciding to try at this time was so that the wedding was out the way, we were moved into our new home and that hopefully Ella-Grace and baby number 2's birthdays would not be too close together- we conceived Ella-Grace in June 2016.

And so that was the decision made and baby dancing began...

August 2018 (First Month TTC)

Positive Ovulation Test

After getting my implant removed (July 31st 2018) my period started just hours after, which is very lucky as some women don't find that their period return for weeks or months meaning their fertility would not be back to normal, but because mine started straight away we were able to start trying quickly. So after a 5 day period we started 'baby dancing' daily to try and give us the best chance of getting pregnant. Now as fun as 'baby dancing' is, as parents finding the time and energy to 'baby dance' can be tricky especially with Reece working 9 hours most days but we made it work (Ella-Grace sleeping through the night certainly helped). Luckily I was able to roughly track my ovulation using an ovulation calendar and I also used ovulation strips, which you use like a pregnancy test, so I would know exactly when I ovulated. My first positive ovulation test was on the 11th August 2018. We had managed to fit in 'baby dancing' the few days prior, the day of ovulation and few days post, after this we cooled off for a bit as now ovulation had past we were finally in the waiting time. Which is the most annoying and stressful part of TTC, the not knowing and the long wait. For an anxious, control freak like me it was too much to take and I started testing and symptom spotting from 7 DPO (days past ovulation) which now in hindsight was a bad idea. But yeah from everything I had read, every video about TTC I had watched, it seemed like we were guaranteed to get pregnant and obviously when I think get pregnant because I had a smooth pregnancy the first time around I do not worry about anything going wrong.

Symptoms
As the wait went on I felt that I was starting to experience what could be pregnancy symptoms. My breasts were sore, I was feeling sick and more tired than usual.

Testing

First Faint Lines

I started testing as I said at 7 dpo and would test every two days. I became a serial tester and although at the time it felt exciting because I was so sure I was pregnant (based on symptoms and that we tracked ovulation) in hindsight it was a bad idea and I should of waited till closer to the time of my period. The problem is when you have an abundance of strip tests all you want to do is test, test, test especially when you are actively trying for a baby.

So the first few tests looked negative but as they were so early I thought just that, I was testing too early and then around 11 dpo I started to get what looked like a positive strip test. I thought I was imagining things but Reece could see the lines too. No missed period yet of course but I was starting to think I must be pregnant! Nearing when my period is due now and I upgraded from a strip test to a standard test, this showed up positive (I WISH I still had the picture of this test because it was the clearest positive I got but I think I deleted it unfortunately). At this point I was sure I was pregnant.. then I started getting cramps. Thinking nothing of it as I stared at my positive tests. The day before my period was due I went out and bought a clear blue test and that result was not what I had thought or wanted it to be. It was negative. 

Negative result? Confused

After experiencing pregnancy symptoms and getting lines on strip tests and one positive standard pregnancy test I was very confused when the clear blue test came back negative. The next day (the day my period was due) sure enough I got my period. A chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage did not come to mind immediately, I just assumed I was wrong and this was just my period starting. Then after speaking to a close friend who had also seen the tests and experiencing very painful cramps I decided to speak to a doctor. After this chat I came to the conclusion that I may have just gone through a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical Pregnancy 
I did not know how to feel and how to come to terms with the fact that I had gone through a chemical pregnancy. Just as I was beginning to think I was pregnant it was taken away from me yet I was still feeling pregnant (still feeling sick, tired and- the big symptom- I had sore, tender breasts. This symptom was something I had only ever experienced in my first pregnancy and at no other time in my life. It was the biggest sign first time round) but at the same time bleeding? I felt guilty for even caring because others have been through worse and it was so early on was I even pregnant? From what I have learned about chemical pregnancy it is likely that an egg and a sperm did meet in my body but failed to attach to my uterus wall which is why I experienced symptoms and got light positive tests (these tests although consistent barely got darker which is another sign of chemical pregnancy or miscarriage apparently) but then ultimately got my period and got a negative digital. It just was not meant to be this time. It was a hard and confusing time and still to this day I can't really describe how I feel about what happened or how I should feel? Sad, disappointed, guilty and confused. You can probably tell by the quick description of it that I am uncomfortable talking about it, it was a hard time, very confusing but I want others to know that if you think you are experiencing a chemical pregnancy- I get you, I have mixed emotions too. After the bleeding finally stopped, Reece and I tried to pick ourselves up and start again but this time taking a different approach.

September 2018 (Second Month TTC) 

So I started my period/chemical pregnancy bleeding on the 27th August 2018. This lasted for about 5-7 days I think. Hard to remember now as I tried to block out that memory because as I said it was an emotional and confusing time. Once the bleeding stopped Reece was ready to start trying again but every time I thought about 'baby dancing' I just got anxious as now I was scared to get pregnant in case something went wrong. This was my first ever experience in anything even close to a  miscarriage and it truly scared me. I feel so bad saying that because I know so many people who have gone through worse and to me this was almost like I just had my period but the thought that I may have been pregnant and then was no longer pregnant just scared me. What if it happened again, what if I miscarry when I'm further on, what if I have a still birth. I was frightened and did not want to have to deal with this but I did really want another child. I was getting angry with myself for physically being unable to 'baby dance' due to fear and anxiety. Reece of course was supportive as always and was just ready to try when I was ready. The ovulation tests were too stressful for me and so was even checking when I could possibly ovulating so that was also out the window, we decided to try care-free and if it happens it happens. We resumed 'baby dancing' 9th September. The ONLY day in September we had sex (important note). Our life got busy and I had put trying for a baby to the back of my mind. Knowing we had probably missed our fertile window and knowing we only tried once I was ready to get my period and face another month of trying but as symptoms built I started to think otherwise. 

List of symptoms

Symptoms were tricky to spot this time because I was still getting some of them from the month before- after having a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage you can continue to get symptoms for a while after. All September I was experiencing sore breasts and sickness. My emotions were high but due to this month being particularly bad for my anxiety and just having gone through a chemical pregnancy that's what I put this down to. The biggest symptom was a missed period.
I got to the 24th September (I was calculating my period to come every 4 weeks) and there was no period. However I was cramping so still awaiting the arrival of aunt flow not believing I could be pregnant. Another day past, more symptoms arose (breasts looking bigger, food aversions and cravings- I remember going for food with my sister and needing hot sauce which was a craving last pregnancy) and no period. Then another day, no period. And another. Reece was suspicious but was going by what I said so he even was not thinking I was pregnant. At this point we were also preparing to go on our honeymoon in the next few days so were so busy. Then, just to get it out the way and deal with the negative result that I thought I was going to get, I decided to test.

I'm Pregnant! 

That's right, September 27th 2018 (exactly a month after the bleeding started last month) in the Trinity centre bathroom with a pregnancy test bought from Superdrug I found out I was carrying baby number 2. The test line appeared IMMEDIATELY! I had never experienced such a fast result on a test before and I could not believe my eyes! So certain I was not pregnant that I had took a test in a public bathroom and there in front of my eyes was a positive pregnancy test! I immediately took a picture and showed it to Ella-Grace- who had no idea what I was talking about of course haha. Exclaiming to her that she would be a big sister! I was shocked and so happy! I could not wait to tell Reece. I had planned to tell him with a t-shirt I had bought for Ella-Grace the month before that said 'Totally Amazing Sister' on it but the t-shirt was at home and we were in town, literally minutes away from meeting Reece for lunch. There was no way I could keep it a secret all through lunch and wait till he got home to tell him so, when we met up at lunch I pretended I had bought Ella-Grace some new clothes and asked if he wanted to see it. He of course said yes, but instead of pulling out an item of clothing I took out a pregnancy test. I think Reece's words were 'You're pregnant? OMG Really?!" to which I obviously said yes and we hugged. He had the biggest smile on his face it was so sweet. Ella-Grace all the while was very confused and just wanted to go and get some food haha.

And after that goes into the first trimester which will be the next post so you will just have to wait for those details.

Summary of TTC experience...

Trying to conceive second time round proved to be very different to getting pregnant first time with Ella-Grace. It always would of been of course because no pregnancy or child is the same but also because circumstances and mindsets were totally different going into the TTC journey with baby 2. With Ella-Grace Reece and I had just discussed having children and were not actively trying although we were of the mind set that if we were to get pregnant that would be great. And so we did. Not really tracking it, it just happened somewhat unplanned but very much wanted! Where as this time round we had planned it down to the month we started trying and when we needed to baby dance. The chemical pregnancy threw a massive emotional spanner in the works but maybe that was meant to be in a way (I am not the type of person to say that usually but this kind of makes sense in my head), the month after we experienced a chemical pregnancy, my anxiety kicked in which forced us to take up a very similar approach to TTC to when we got pregnant with Ella-Grace ; if it happens, it happens. We did not want to put stress on us or over think it because we knew it could take a while. And it was when we took this attitude again much like the first time around we concieved baby number 2. I whole heartedly believe that when you stop thinking about it, that is when you get pregnant. I don't know if there is any scientific evidence to this or just a hunch but both times I found out I was pregnant was around the time I started thinking 'what happens, happens' and convincing myself I am probably not pregnant- how strange. Obviously different for everyone but just find it so fascinating that even though Reece and I were in two totally different places in life from when we conceived Ella-Grace to when we conceived baby 2, we still managed to conceive them in a similar way. Over all however I am so grateful that our TTC stories with both Ella-Grace and baby 2 have been short and although not at all times sweet, NOTHING compared to what others have gone through and are going through. We are very fortunate to be a fertile couple able to produce children easily, baby number two on the way and our family will be complete. I feel so lucky and undeserving to be in this position when so many others have been trying to start their family for a long time. Very thankful for my babies. Good luck to anyone who is TTC and no matter how you end up starting a family (naturally conceiving, IVF, adoption etc) it will be beautiful and they will be your children. There are all types of families and all have different stories, full support from me to all of you. 

Thank you for reading...

And breathe.. feel like I did a lot of talking (or should I say typing) especially in that last paragraph- just can't stress enough how grateful I am. Sorry if this was more of a chit chat type post rather than an informative l or helpful post. I just wanted to share with you my experience conceiving baby number 2 and that involves a lot of emotions that I can't really put into perfect grammar. If anyone would like a 'TTC tips' post that is more informative then please let me know. I am so happy to be on this journey again (even if the first trimester is not the most fun- more information on that in the next post) and thank you so much for reading. Double thank you for anyone who has been here long enough to read about us conceiving Ella-Grace and baby number 2! That would be almost 2 years of reading my posts and I am truly honoured you even care what I have to say and want to read about me and my life, thank you, thank you, thank you. Next up will be a post all about the first trimester, it has been eventful to say the least. You will all find out the details in due time. Now signing off another blog post from me, Reece, Ella-Grace AND baby 2....

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Ella-Grace's 6 Month Update!

Sorry its late...

Hi there readers! I hope everyone is doing well and welcome back to LauraJane Life! Today I will be writing my baby girl, Ella-Grace's 6 month update! She actually turned 6 months last week and I had said I was going to have the update up then but life happens, I was very busy and to be honest it is hard to find time to write now with Ella-Grace being awake a lot now (will tell more about this below) and when it gets to the evening I am shattered, I can barely get in time with Reece never mind writing. But not to worry her 6 month update is finally here and I am hoping to get back on track, hopefully scheduling time so I can write a post once a week. We will see how that goes haha. Happy Reading!

Ella-Grace's bit...

"Hi everyone! It's Ella-Grace again. The past 3 months since my Mummy wrote my last update have been so much fun! I have learnt so much and tried new things like food.. proper food not just my milk! Mummy has helped me get into a good routine and we have lots of fun everyday, at home and at our groups where I get to see all my friends and sing lots of songs! Daddy still works lots but he is always home to give me a bath and do my bed time routine, his days off are the best ever! Daddy is so funny! I love having Mummy and Daddy home with me, they are great and the three of us have so much fun! I love being tickled, swimming, bath time, music, playing with my toys, watching Moana, Paw patrol or Thomas the Tank Engine, bouncing in my bouncer, rolling around and eating yummy food! I don't like afternoon naps (they are boring) and I don't like banana, it is yuck! I will let my Mummy tell you the rest!"

How has it been 6 months?!...

Our baby girl, our precious Ella-Grace is 6 months old! That's half way to 1 YEAR old! I just can't believe it. Becoming a mum is the best thing to ever happen to me and I am so proud to be the Mama to such a wonderful little girl. She has made mine and Reece's life so bright and happy, there isn't a day when she doesn't make us laugh and we are constantly mesmerized by her massive eyes! Although I am scared for the future -the world isn't always a kind place and I think for every parent that is a scary thing when bringing up children- I like to think if I do the best by my little darling, teach her right and always show her how loved and important she is, she will always see the good through the bad. As her first Halloween, first Christmas and first birthday are now in the near future I am looking forward to cherishing every moment. The past 6 months have been magical (and of course difficult but she is so worth it).

Feeding...

I am not going to go into too much detail for this one as my last blog post was all about weaning and her feeding routine so that pretty much covers it (find it on my homepage if you would like the full weaning story so far) but I am going to write a small summary and things we have tried since I wrote that post. Well we decided to start slowly weaning at 4 months (which I know isn't for everyone but it has worked wonders for our little girl so please respect our decision) and now being 6 months she has 3 small meals a day as well as her lacto-free formula. We have decided not to give Ella-Grace meat as we do not eat it and we buy plant-based milk which she will eventually be given instead of formula, which we would of been doing anyway even if we weren't a plant-based milk family as she is lactose-intolerant. Again not for everyone but we are happy with our decision and she is thriving on it. 

I make all her food at home apart from her fruit pots (Organix) and she is also enjoying her wafers (Kiddilycious). This week Ella-Grace has tried a few new things that I never got to mention in the weaning blog post, this is including strawberries, tomato, toast, peanut butter, banana (which she hated) and hummus (her favourite, which is great as it is a great form of protein!). I am so happy with the way her weaning is going she is always willing to try new things and most of the time will eat it- apart from banana, like her Daddy she does not like it haha. For her full meal plan please see my last blog post, it has changed a bit since adding hummus and toast to some of her meals but it will give you the main idea.
-Just to add she literally just tried Mushroom Soup and loved it!- 

Sleeping...

Oh how lucky we are! Ella-Grace sleeps all night! From 8pm to 6 or 7am. I am so sorry if you are a mum or dad reading this dealing with a baby who cries all night (I take my hat off to you) but I am being honest, she sleeps all night. She has been doing this for a while now, ever since we moved her into her own room at 5 months old. We wanted to wait till she was 6 months but she has grown out of her small cot in our bedroom and it was like she was telling us she wanted to be in her big crib as she started to wake up more often in our bedroom. So we tried her one night when she turned 5 months and since then she has been out the whole night (with a little help from her favourite Moana, we always play the songs to help her sleep). 

Napping during the day however is a different story. She was in a great routine with her feeding and her naps and she still is but when it gets to about 3pm, after her second solid food meal of the day. She refuses to nap! It has only been like this for a few days so I am hoping she will go back to her normal sleeping routine soon but yeah she has been refusing to nap and it will take me at least 2 hours to get her down, usually after moving her from her bed to the sofa to mine and Reece's bed and blaring Moana as loud as I can. If we are out and she is in the pram she could probably nap but this is usaully the time of day we are back home after our groups in the morning so I just have to keep going until she falls asleep- most likely in my arms. This can be hard but at least she sleeps at night that's the main thing for me and I am hoping this afternoon moodiness will blow over. 

Teething...

She has no teeth yet but oh yes teething has definitely started! We have a few things we use to help her teething (let me know if you would like a blog post on this) and they seem to work quite well but we are just waiting for the teeth to actually come through as I can see when I look at her gums that there are definitely a few teeth just waiting to pop out. Not much to say about that at the moment. 

Development...

3 months might not seem like a lot of time Adult wise but oh my goodness a lot can happen developmentally for a baby in three months! Ella-Grace can now roll over, sit up unaided, pass toys from one hand to another, bounce very actively in her bouncer, feed herself to a certain extent and the best thing of all... she says Mama! At first I think she just said it as a noise but then I noticed she started to say it when I put her down or when we were doing something she didn't want to do- getting dressed for example- so I do think she knows that I respond to Mama but not necessarily that its me. Either way it is very cute and Reece is very jealous she hasn't said 'Dada' yet. 

We are still working on the crawling, she doesn't seem to have much interest in it. Everytime I put her on her belly she just rolls over. We will keep trying though. She does seem a lot more interesting in walking however, she always wants to stand up and seems to try and walk when I am holding her up. So that one is a wait and see. She is doing so well for 6 months anyways and the health visitor and doctor is happy with how she is doing. We also took Ella-Grace swimming for the first time when we went down to Newcastle which is her new favourite thing to do! Our little water baby!

Bonding...

Amazing! Not much more to be said, the bond I have with Ella-Grace is amazing! She literally is my best friend, there is no one I would rather spend my time with and she literally makes me less anxious even if parenting is one thing I get anxious her smile makes it better. The way she says Mama and kisses me in the morning, I can really see now how much she loves me. It is just the most magical feeling when your baby shows affection to you. 

Reece's bond is just as strong. As I said in the last update it is a different bond as she gets to miss him when he goes to work and you can really see how happy she is when he walks in the door. When he is home it is like she is aware that he could go to work any minute so she really wants her Daddy and loves to play with him. Both our bonds with our daughter are great which I think shows what a great bond me and Reece have as well, the three of us are a really good unit. Love my little family.

Allergies and Illnesses...

So if you have read previous blog posts you will know Ella-Grace is lactose-intolerant and struggles with eczema. Both of which are managed and she is doing fine. The past week we have also realised, like her dad, she has an allergy to dogs. The doctor said it can't be confirmed as they would not put a baby through a blood test for that reason but judging by her reaction around my mums dogs it is likely she has an allergy to that type of dog at least. Time will tell whether it is an allergy to all animal hair or just dogs. Ella-Grace also suffers with hay-fever, which again is managed. All these things could potentially mean she has asthma as well according to the doctor especially as Reece has asthma too but again only time will tell, she currently has no symptoms of being asthmatic. 

My poor baba lots of allergies unfortunately but still a very happy and content baby. 

As for illnesses, we are lucky and Ella-Grace has not been ill apart from for about two weeks now she had a cough but we took her to the doctor and they said she was healthy just had a tickly throat and to give her cough medicine. We have been giving her that and her cough has seemed to settle. 

Hopes and Fears for the next 3 months...

For the next three months I hope that Ella-Grace will learn how to move around, what ever way that may be. Crawling, shuffling, whatever I just can see she wants to move about and I would love that for her but we will just have to wait and see. I hope weaning continues to go well and our little darling stays happy, healthy and content. I guess I am hoping for a little tooth to pop through soon, will be so cute to see her with a little tooth haha. 

I don't have much fears for the next few months apart from the constant fear I am not doing this parenting thing right but as long as she is growing and staying healthy, I know I am doing a good job! 

Till next time...

Thank you so much for reading! I will try get the next blog post up soon, not sure what that will be. I would just like to add that this is my 30th blog post (I can't believe I have wrote 30 already!) and I want to thank everyone for the amazing support! See you soon everyone, don't forget to follow my social media pages for daily baby pics, inspirational messages and blog updates. To finish off here are some of my favourite pics of the pregnancy, birth and life of our amazing Ella-Grace so far....

Be kind to each other and as always....

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

9 Reasons A C-Section isn't the easy option

Its been bugging me....
Welcome regular readers and new comers! Today's blog post is one that has been burning up inside me for a while. As most of you know I had an emergency c-section with my daughter Ella-Grace and many friends and some family members as well have also been through this same experience. This experience of BIRTH and PAIN.. but for some reason there is a false belief in many peoples minds that having a C-Section (Cesarean Section) is 'a -cop out' or the 'easy option'. 'Too posh to push' I hear often. Well I'm here to say that this is very wrong and here are the reasons why.

Not taking away from natural births...
Before I go into these reasons, I would like to point out that in no way am I trying to take away from mothers who have had a natural labor and delivery. I am not saying a c-section is harder, I am just saying that they are different but also equal in difficulty - Equal, not better or worse or harder/easier- I would love to hear about the difficulties of natural labor and I encourage you to comment below this blog I am genuinely curious as my experience was so different. But for this blog I am focusing on the judgement cc-section mums face and I hope anyone reading this who has had a natural/vaginal birth can support this post as I, and every other c-section mum should support yours. As I say in a lot of posts, supporting each other is key, we are all doing our best including with the birth.

What is a C-section...
For those who may not know or want a clearer definition of what a c-section ( cesarean section) is here is the definition taken from the 'NHS Choices' website along with a statistic:

"A Cesarean section, or C-section, is an operation to deliver your baby through a cut made in your tummy and womb.

The cut is usually made across your tummy, just below your bikini line.

A caesarean is a major operation that carries a number of risks, so it's usually only done if it's the safest option for you and your baby.

Around one in every four to five pregnant women in the UK has a Cesarean."

Now for the reasons... 

7 reasons why a C-section isn't the easy option 

1. The after pain
The after pain to any type of childbirth is going to be bad, you just had a baby come out of you in some way- of course your going to be in pain. But for some reason I always hear comments like 'At least you don't have to deal with tearing' or 'You can have sex sooner since it wont hurt'. No, no, no, no and NO! First of all the waiting time for sex is the same as after a vaginal birth (6 weeks I was told) and as for dealing with tearing, HELLO I have a tear, an incision and trust me that pain is very much there when the numbness wears off and it is very painful. I found it so painful in fact that for the first week or two but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

2. The higher and additional risks 
Now I did check this multiple times on websites and with actual medical professionals before I put this down as a reason as of course I didn't want to make a false statement. So as a c-section is a major surgery according to my research there is a higher risk of blood clots, infection, blood loss and death (death being 3X more likely). Additional risks include, paralysis (due to the spinal you have to get before hand), bowel and/or bladder injury and blood transfusion. Personally I wouldn't put increased/additional risk and easier option in the same sentence. 

3. Longer recovery time
After a vaginal birth you obviously also need recovery time but with a c-section there is usually a longer hospital stay and recovery process. I can't speak for the recovery process of a vaginal birth (although I am well aware it would be difficult)  but from my experience of a c-section the recovery process takes a long time and is very painful! Before you even leave the hospital there are things you need to work on including getting feeling back in your legs, standing, walking, getting your catheter out therefore making sure you can go to the bathroom naturally, showering and more, all this before you even take your baby home. On top of this you aren't aloud to walk far, drive at all, have only showers no hot baths and 'don't do too much, relax' this being pretty much impossible when your looking after a new baby and for me this was mostly on my own as Reece had to go back to work and most family live far away. Respect for the single mums out there with no help, how you manage to look after yourself and your baby alone with no help I do not know. 

4. After care
Slightly linking to my last point but valid of being a reason of its own, after care. The after care for a c-section is intense, you have to make sure you take enough pain killers to get you through the day, clean the wound (when dressing is removed), make sure to move around or wear socks that help your circulation (to prevent blood clots) and the worst of it, the 10 injections you have to get following the c-section. I don't know if I am being a baby or if they are this sore for most women but the injection (I think its anti-D but I could be wrong) you have to get is a lot worse than a normal needle. I managed to leave hospital after 2 days so you would think that was the end of the needles but I was told that i either had to inject myself or get Reece to do it, I chose for Reece to do it and oh my goodness, the dread I felt every morning for those 10 days when Reece came to me with the injection was unreal. The  pain of the needle stings all the way through your leg and I would have to sit and wince  in pain for at least 5 mins. 5 mins of a day for 10 days might not sound too bad but when your already dealing with the pain of the c-section, baby blues and looking after a new baby all these things can get on top of you quite easily, those 5 mins of pain which you dread every day just making it worse (obviously I know your better off getting the injection I am just saying it is not pleasant). 

5. Tasks increasingly difficult
Again I did already touch on this but to elaborate, tasks after a major surgery are obviously increasingly difficult or even impossible for at least the first 6 weeks. As I said you can't walk far, drive at all or take hot baths (which I wanted to do as it relax's me so much) and with basic movements such as sitting, standing, turning being extremely painful- even with pain relief- just looking after your new baby can be very difficult not to mention any other tasks you can to do like clean or maybe cook something for yourself. Even the 5 minutes of the day I would have a shower hurt so bad. 

6. Judgement 
Oh the judgement. The judgement you can receive from other people when you tell them you have had a c-section is so dis-heartening and can make you feel like you failed. I was desperate for a natural birth and after having a c-section some people made me feel as though I had failed my body and my child, I had not done what my body was supposed to do. When in actual fact if I had gone down the natural route (because of the situation with Ella-Grace's chord) I don't think I would have her here today. So no, I did not fail- I did exactly what a mother should, did what is best for her baby. My child was saved by a c-section and there is no way I would change my decision. The unnecessary judgement from getting a c-section definitely makes things harder than they need to be.  

7. Emergency
Most c-sections are emergency- as mine was. An emergency c-section isn't an easier option, it is something that can potentially be life saving. I would never choose to be in an emergency situation as it is a highly dangerous and scary event, again showing that a c-section is hard not easy. 

8. VB-AC 
Other than an emergency there are planned sections for many reasons which is not making it an easy option because it is planned, it is something that needs to be done for either the welfare of the mother, the child or both. One reason people might choose a c-section is if they have had one before as it is more difficult to have a VB-AC ( vaginal delivery after cesarean) than a natural birth on its own as the muscles have been ruptured in that area. So if that is what is best for mother and child or even if the mother just feels safer and more comfortable having a planned section that is important- the happier and calmer the mum is the more likely things will turn out okay. Each birth is personal to each mother and no matter what they choose it should not be judged. 

9. Increase chance of PND
When having a c-section there is also an increased chance of having PND (postnatal depression). This being because a lot of mothers can struggle to bond with their child as they maybe didn't get the labor/birth they wanted, they feel they have failed or the judgement that follows. I luckily bonded with Ella-Grace as soon as I seen her but even now there is a part of me that feels like I didn't 'give birth' to her as I never actually pushed her out and I don't know that feeling of giving birth naturally and having my baby put straight on my chest (as you see on one born every minute constantly). I am so happy I had a c-section as I have said, it saved her life and our bond is so strong I wouldn't change anything that happened for the world and I am proud of my labor and delivery. But there are many mothers in the world that really struggle with the fact they had to have a c-section and that is why the chance of PND is increased again making it clear that a c-section is not the easier option. 

Thank you for reading....
That's the end of this blog post I hope you enjoyed reading and if you can think of any other reasons or want to tell me about your c-section experience comment below. Or if you had a vaginal delivery comment about that too, I would love to know the difficulties that comes with that a c-section mother does not experience. No matter what kind of labor and delivery you went through, we should all support each other no matter what. Not to forget the dads out there who are also effected by this and any other ways family's can be started (surrogacy, adoption, IVF). Be kind to each other and I will see you soon readers, I hope this has made you rethink somethings.


Stay Happy Everyone :)!

(I do not own the images below) 

Mum Truths: Baby Blues

Time to talk about it....

(Above photo I was having major baby blues but adoring my baby girl at the same time so I posted it with a happy caption on Instagram, just shows how people can put on a front)

Hi readers and welcome back to my blog! I hope you all enjoyed the first instalment of 'Mum Truths' and if you haven't read it yet why not give it a read after this one and give me some feedback. So last time I spoke about my experience of breastfeeding and how its going thus far (will probably have to write another one as its all changed this past week) and now for this 'Mum Truths' you will be reading the experience I have had on baby blues, this is one that when I was pregnant I had heard of but most of the time the topic had been brushed away I had no idea quite how intense and awful baby blues can be. Maybe it was worse for me because I already suffer from a disorder or maybe its this way for everyone and it's just not spoken about (which it should be) I don't know but anyway this was my reality. Enjoy the read and comment below your experience I would love to know.

Anxiety and Panic Disorder...

Before I even touch on baby blues I must briefly explain some issues I had prior to baby, anxiety and panic disorder to be exact. For as long as I can remember I have had constant anxiety about things, to start with thinking everyone had this but no one spoke about it until I got diagnosed after having a series of scary panic attacks, major anxiety and high blood pressure about 2 years ago. Many people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and everyone is different but for me the best way I can explain it is I have a constant stress or worry about things that shouldn't need a lot of overthinking and often this can lead to a feeling of what the doctor described as 'impending doom'- like everything is going wrong and I struggle to function, I usually end up pacing, crying and hyperventilating (this being when I cant control them which is rare now thank goodness). I'm not going to go into too much detail about this as I am going to do a separate blog post on it but that is the basic facts you need to know that might contribute to my experience of baby blues.

A rollercoaster of emotions....

So having a baby is a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute your baby is sleeping in your arms and your on this massive loving high then the next minute your baby is crying and you cant figure out what's wrong bringing you down very low. It can be a vicious cycle but at the same time amazing as any parent will tell you I'm sure.
So when my daughter was born and at 1am we were wheeled through to the ward I was full of adrenaline and love, she was a calm little darling who latched on moments after birth and we spent that entire night/early hours of the morning cuddling and bonding it was a magical, happy time and that initial bond I am so thankful for as that is what got me through the baby blues. My heart goes out to the mothers who struggle to find a bond, if you are one of those mums or dads don't worry that bond will come! With this amazing instant bond between us my journey into motherhood definitely started on a major high but as most major high feelings go it came crashing down throughout the second day/night of Ella-Grace's life (this is touched on in my last blog post). Ella-Grace started crying more due to my milk not coming in straight away and her having a bit of tummy trouble (apparently common for C-section babies) and being a first time mum on no sleep, in pain from the surgery and to top it all off having anxiety and panic disorder- baby blues hit me hard on that second day.
Having to deal with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life though I was quite good at putting on a front when my parents came to visit ignoring the sad feelings I was having, holding back tears and just focusing on how amazing my little girl was but with my main support (Reece) being at work for the entire day when they took Ella-Grace for her checks and the midwife tried to help me get out of bed, to the shower and back for the first time the pain and overwhelming blanket of sadness was too much and I cried in my bed for a while until the midwife came back with my little bundle of joy who I looked at and just cried more because I felt like I was doing wrong by her. 'What are your crying for you have a beautiful baby girl?' 'Your being stupid' 'You can't have a breakdown, your a mum' all these thoughts that I now know are wrong were going through my head and at the time they felt like very valid points. After again crying when Reece came to visit that night I tried to push it down again thinking its just cause I'm not at home I will feel completely better when I'm home right? If only.

Home but not happy... 

Tuesday 21st March 2017: Time to go home! Fighting through my anxiety I was excited to go home telling myself being at home would make me more relaxed and it seemed to be working... then the complications started. That morning I had asked the doctor to give me at least an hours notice before I had to leave because my parents lived an hour away and they were taking me home to which the doctor replied no problem, you wont be out till about 4pm anyways. So the day was passing Ella-Grace and I had passed our checks (my temperature was a bit high but they said it wasn't anything to worry about) my friend Charleigh and her mum came to visit at 2pm thinking they could stay with me until I had to go... "You can leave in 10 minutes" WHAT??? 2pm, 2 hours before I told my parents I would be out and the doctor said they needed the bed for someone else so I had to leave in 10 minutes to which I obviously said my parents wouldn't be here till 4pm, so they told me to go to the waiting room. Now the staff I had through my whole Labour and Delivery were amazing but the fact that my baby was 2 days old, I was a new mum and I was being basically forced out of my bed to the waiting room was a shock and made me a nervous wreck. Luckily my friend and her mum watched Ella-Grace as I got dressed and then helped me move all the stuff (which was a lot!) to the waiting room. About an hour came and went, my friend and her mum went home and I was alone in the waiting room just me and my new baby, thankfully sleeping. For that entire hour after I felt unbelievably stressed, not in my own environment and in a room now with no help I was very anxious and just about managed to keep it together until my parents came. Again I know this isn't the staffs fault, if they need a bed they need a bed but two days after having a baby, your sore and emotional being rushed out and thrown about 10 000 leaflets that you are expected to read like NOW, it wasn't the happy, calm trip home I had envisioned and only added to my anxiety.
Finally home as much as I loved my family and appreciated all my parents had done for me I really wanted them to go, I felt overwhelmed with the whole stress of the way home and needed to be by myself to wind down and wait for Reece to get home. So they left and I basically cried, ALOT! Luckily Reece came home an hour later and had to literally put me in bed I was so exhausted and the amazing Dad he is he totally took over looking after Ella-Grace for the night. THIS. This right here is why I love him, he knows exactly what I need when I'm anxious and although to start with I felt like a bad mum for just going to sleep and not spending time with my baby I know now that if I had not let Reece take over (which was amazing bonding for them anyway) I may still be feeling baby blues and major anxiety today, I needed to recharge my batteries.

Oh no its 5pm...
So the next morning I felt great! I'd slept, I was home with my beautiful daughter and amazing fiancé, yes I was very sore from the C-section (thank goodness for pain killers) but I had a feeling of I could do this! The day came and went, it started to approach 5pm and my anxiety settled in, I was looking down at my daughter and PANIC! 'I'm a bad mum' 'I cant do this' 'Everything is so different and scary' All these thoughts going through my head, leading to a panic attack.
These feelings of baby blues had caused me to regress back to when my anxiety was bad and I again like all those years before was starting to have panic attacks every night for about two weeks! and as amazing it was bonding with Ella-Grace those first two weeks it was a struggle having a constant voice in my head saying I wasn't good enough for my baby and almost scared of her crying incase I couldn't deal with it. But I got through it.

How I got through it...
So luckily I now (8 weeks postpartum) am over the baby blues, I still deal with a lot of anxiety obviously but I have it under control thankfully, I know how lucky I am to be in this position as others aren't so fortunate. Key to me getting through it was the intense bond I have with my child (again very thankful that we bonded immediately), the support I had from my amazing partner/family and also KEY to getting through baby blues and first time mum fears in my opinion is pushing yourself to do what your scared of. I could of had all the support in the world and trust me, anything I needed Reece was willing to help but until you push yourself to do what your scared of anxiety and fear will hold you down. So are you scared to take your baby on the bus- go on the bus, scared to go to the shop with your baby- go to the shop and you will realise its not as scary as you have built it up in your head and if it doesn't go well that's okay you can try again when your ready. Do, do this with support though I would suggest and take small steps first like local shop before going to a busy shopping centre for example that's just my advice anyway if anyone was needing any. And this coming from someone who constantly battles with high anxiety and panic attacks on top of the baby blues I was feeling if I got through it so can you, believe in yourself.

Now...
So that's pretty much everything up to this point. It is currently 21:53, Ella-Grace is in bed, Reece is playing the PlayStation and I'm on here finishing this blog post off for you lovely people. Baby blues is tough but it DOES pass, yes I still stress I had a panic attack literally yesterday when Ella-Grace was away to get her injections but you know what she is fine now fast asleep at home and I am also fine, I am happy and I ADORE being a mum. And with that we have come to the end of the blog post I hope you enjoyed reading it and as usual I hope this helped someone out there feeling like baby blues will never end, it will and you are amazing!! Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Mum Truths: Breastfeeding

The first instalment....
Hi readers! Welcome back to my blog, this is the first of hopefully many 'Mum Truths'. In this blog post I'm going to be speaking about the reality of breastfeeding, my experience anyways. The things you don't get told, the things you do and the things you don't realise until your actually the one with the new born latched onto you. I hope this brings comfort and a sense of relief to other mums who might be going through the same stuff and even if your situation with your child is or was completely different here is an honest experience from one mum to hopefully many others who are trying their best. So before I start, to all you mums out there- Your doing great!! Enjoy the blog!

Breast or Bottle...
So to be clear I am pretty much exclusively breastfeeding (at the moment) with a bottle of formula in the afternoon and occasionally in the night. This I have been told is called combined feeding or combination feeding.
When I found out I was pregnant I was sure I was going to ONLY breastfeed! 'Breast is best' 'Its the natural thing to do' everyone said from strangers to health professionals which is not wrong, this opinion I agree with breastmilk is made for the baby of course its good for them maybe even it is best for them but in no way does that mean its easy to do or that bottle feeding/combined feeding should be negatively looked upon. Not knowing about combined feeding, hearing how terrible formula was for your baby (untrue) and being so keen to breastfeed my naïve prgnant brain thought it will be easy right? No. Although luckily I have not had as big a problem as some others have had it is far from easy and comes with challenges as any mother would know who has breastfed. Now being a mum I can see that everything to do with parenting comes with challenges- breastfeeding, bottle feeding, sleeping, bathing ect. - and we as mums and dads are just trying our best to be the best parents we can be, so to all those parents judging other parents for bottle feeding or judging that mum for breast feeding in public, just stop. We all need to support each other and realise we are all doing our very best no matter what choices we make or opinions we have we all have one thing in common, we love our children.  Breast vs Bottle debate resolved now back to my experience.

Latched on straight away but then...
After my beautiful daughter Ella-Grace was born and we got to recovery I was lucky enough for her to latch on automatically! Hearing how much other mothers have struggled with this (hold my hands up to you ladies I don't know how you did it) I am very thankful I didn't have that problem! So yeah she latched on straight away and the first night we had together was a relaxing yet surreal night I will never forget. Things seemed to be going well that entire night and most of the second day, then the night came and things got stressful. Not having slept in about 48 hours I was tired and very emotional, obviously to be expected as I just had a baby and as everyone liked to constantly remind me MAJOR SURGERY (this is exactly how people said it to me hahaha) Ella-Grace was still latching but would continue to cry after being fed.
Being in a ward with lots of other mums and mine screaming I felt like I was doing something wrong (sounds silly now but that's how I felt). Reece came to visit us and we were both a crying mess, still to this day I don't know how that didn't scare him away being the first time he'd seen us both since Ella-Grace was born. Anyway so there we were Ella-Grace and I uncontrollably crying and Reece also being a first time parent not really knowing what to do then thankfully the most lovely nurse came in and offered a formula feed as she advised me that my milk may be taking a while to come in. Reece accepted the offer for me and although I had no problem with formula the exhaustion and crazy hormone imbalance convinced me that I was failing at feeding already how was I going to do this!!
Reece had to leave (which only made me more upset) and I was left with the nurse cup feeding my little girl. I felt like a failure. And to this day I wish I knew that nurses name as she really helped me that night- helping me latch Ella-Grace on to get my supply going, leaving the buzzer close and telling me to buzz when ever she got too unsettled, positioning Ella-Grace in her crib in order to help her tummy, giving me advice and continuously checking on me to make sure we were both okay. Although it didn't stop me from being a complete emotional wreck it did help having someone I knew could help me.
I learned 2 important things that night that have stuck in my head.
1. The second night is always the hardest. I got told this by the midwife and several other mums, the first night your full of adrenaline then the second night the responsibility, exhaustion and hormones hit you and stress is at an all time high. But guess what? The second night ends and the next day begins.
2. Almost all babies have at least one cup feed in hospital. I was not a failure because of a little bit of formula and neither of course is any other mum that has to have their baby cup fed. It was at this point I decided to combine feed with a bottle in evening as it gave me peace on mind knowing that if she wouldn't/couldn't take from my breast at least she would be used to formula. This being a good decision given my situation at the moment which I will get into soon.

Back home and the first month...
The third day after I had Ella-Grace we were sent home! Nervous about being a mum and looking after her but looking forward to being in my own environment we set off home. That first night at home Reece really came to my rescue I was so exhausted and emotional I could not function properly. I feel guilty even saying that as I am not the priority, the baby is but as they say you cant look after someone else unless you look after yourself so that's what I had to do. Reece, my hero took Ella-Grace for a few hours and bottle fed her so I could sleep so when I got up after my first proper sleep in days there he was bottles sterilised and baby fed and fast asleep, if your reading this babe that really helped. An amazing dad from the start! So after this and up to now I have been combination feeding with no more than two bottles a day usually just the one in the afternoon. And apart from the normal breast feeding problems (sore nipples, constant feeding and soaking through breastpads ALL THE TIME) breastfeeding has been going well! Until about two weeks ago when a problem cropped up which might change the routine we have gotten so comfortable with.

Lactose intolerant...
Ella-Grace is now 6 weeks old and about 2 weeks ago she started to projectile vomit up all her milk, mostly after her formula but also after my breast milk. I spoke to my mum and the heath visitor about it and we came to the conclusion that she was lactose intolerant as I was as a baby. For those who don't know Lactose is a type of glucose that is in dairy products and I think (not a medical professional so don't quote me on this) there is some in breast milk but not a lot, and this is what my baby girl is allergic to. This means we had to switch to a lacto-free formula and I am now on a dairy free diet, originally I tried to cut down thinking it might help her grow out of it but she was still a bit sick so I have just boycott it entirely. So for the last two weeks after cutting that out and switching formula we haven't had any problems but today, the exact day I am writing this ironically, she has started to projectile vomit after breastmilk but not formula? Even though |I have cut out dairy? So that's the next challenge I am on and that is as far as my breastfeeding reality goes thus far.

Recap...
So to recap on my experience.. Latched straight away, breast milk production delayed, cup-feed leading to combination feeding, good few weeks of breastfeeding, lactose allergy appeared and now only processing formula. I have the health visitor again this week so hopefully find out the problem but who knows maybe breastfeeding will work out but maybe I might have to just feed her the formula which is something I never thought I would do because of the whole 'Breast is best' which I used to be so sure of but you know what things change and all babies are different and sometimes breast isn't best, what's best is whatever your baby needs/wants and as long as they are being fed that's what matters! So there it is my first 'Mum truths' blog post I hope you all enjoyed it thanks so much for reading and Ella-Grace if in the future you read this thanks for sleeping the entire time I typed it out haha. And again for all you expectant mums, new mums, experienced mums and not to forget the lovely dads your all doing a great job!!

Next time...
My next 'Mum Truths' will be on the topic of baby blues which will also include me talking a bit about my anxiety and panic disorder which obviously had a bit of a part to play in my baby blues and experience of becoming a new mum. I hope you will all be back to read it and that it might help someone going through similar things- as I always say that's the aim of my blogs, to remind people they are not alone and make a difference in this world we all call home.

And remember Stay Happy Everyone :)!