Anxiety struck again.

Those of you who have read my blog for a while will know that I struggle with anxiety and panic disorder (if you want to read my previous posts on this then feel free- Recovery is possible  /  Anxiety Update ). Most of the time I can deal with it just fine even to the point where my panic attacks are non-existent, but then there are times like the past two weeks where I could literally tear my hair out (and I have before- sounds drastic but that is how bad it used to get, feels like something is in your head that you just want to get out, it is truly horrid). I hide it well, not even purposely it is just an automatic reaction when I am around people. I don't know whether that is because I feel better when I am around friends because I can't overthink or if it is because I don't have time to think too much about things, that is why I think having Ella-Grace changed my anxiety for the better because as a mother you are so focused on your baby you cannot crawl into bed and cry for hours, you have a little life depending on you and that pushes you out of a slump, well that is how it is for me anyways. What I am trying to say is these past two weeks have been hard anxiety wise and panic attacks have been happening often. I know many of you who read my blog really love my honesty especially when it comes to my mental health and these are the posts you want to read which is great for me because it means I can vent which always helps. I am finally feeling like this dip is over- thank goodness- so I am able to share it and hopefully this will get me back into my regular blog posts because I have truly missed they joy I get out of it and all the feedback from you kind readers. First things, first.. where do I start? Well things always go down hill for me when I fall out of routine and that is exactly what happened.

I think I mentioned in my last post that Ella-Grace and I had been suffering from the flu, well that just threw us totally off. All better now but the routine was pretty much gone and although she is still a good sleeper once she gets to sleep settling her has been a difficult task. Gone are the days where we place her in her bed and she soothes herself. I'm not sure if it is a bit of separation anxiety or if like me she is just getting used to the routine again now she isn't ill, but Reece and I have been met with some serious screaming cries just as we enter her room to put her down. It can take up to an hour to get her down (rubbing her back, holding her hand, singing to her) and of course Ella-Grace is my main priority and I would sit and rub her back for 5 hours if that is what she needed (I do try and let her soothe herself but when she screams that way it is just going to make her stressed which I don't want) but doesn't mean it is easy on me especially when Reece is at work. You see from when she was born her cry (I mean her serious cry not a whimper) has been a trigger for my anxiety, my body goes all tense and I feel the sense of 'impending doom' that I associate with my panic attacks. Usually as I said I can manage it fine because she is very chilled out and seriously rarely ever cries but these past two weeks it is like she has changed to be very clingy and hard to settle which means that she has been crying for things she has never cried for before- for example putting her down to play while I cook supper. I know there are some parents who's child has always been clingy and you are probably thinking I am over exaggerating or being ungrateful for how "easy" I have had it but I am not trying to take away from what you have been through this is my mothering experience and how it is going for me, there are ups and downs for everyone they are just not always the same. Anyways so yes that was the first sign of my anxiety getting bad again, Ella-Grace's cry was really grating on me and I found myself getting frustrated with her even though of course it was not her fault which made me feel even worse as the mum guilt set in. With Ella-Grace being extra clingy as I said that meant our routine was completely off, the cleaning wasn't getting done, I had no time to write, just everything was a mess. To some people it may not seem like a big deal, I wish I was one of those people but ever since my anxiety was at its lowest I have slowly but surely found the best way to deal with it and that is by sticking to a routine, knowing what needs to be done at what time of day, no surprises or big changes that I don't expect, everything is planned to a T. I know what days Ella-Grace has certain groups, I know what time we get up, what time she goes down, the times I clean, the time I cook meals, the time I have to bath and get ready, the days Ella-Grace needs a bath, the days Reece is at work, the time he gets home from work, the time I write, what I need to write, what to post on my social media to promote my blog, the list goes on and to some people this would sound crazy, how can you plan all that every week? Why not go with the flow? Because I can't. If I do that then I just breakdown. So sorry if you message me for a last minute plan, I am most likely busy because I plan things far in advance. So even though we were all better, the routine was all a mess and that in my head means I am failing. Failing as a mother, failing as a fiance, failing as a blogger, failing as a person and that is when I hit rock bottom. So many people say to me "you seem to have it all together" and I smile and say "yeah I love routine" which although true it does not mean it is easy and as soon as that routine slips the smallest bit, as soon as I am late to a group or forget to brush Ella-Grace's teeth, I breakdown and my anxiety forces me to brand myself the worst person alive. At this point, cue the panic attacks.
Panic attacks, as I have said before, are the worst. In fact I have been sitting here for half an hour trying to write this next paragraph and getting panicky because I don't feel like what I am writing is making any sense because anxiety doesn't make sense, it is irrational and scary and just overwhelming. Honestly writing this is giving me stress because I don't feel like I am doing a good job in explaining anything and I really want to help those who are going through the same thing but I just feel like I am rambling. Ugh. I am sorry. 
Anyway, I am going to try and power through. The past two weeks with Ella-Grace being fussier than usual and my routine being non-existent my anxiety has been on the edge on top of that planning a first birthday party and a wedding all at the same time just took its tole and I found myself many nights just crying and feeling so low. Which is frustrating because its a happy time, this year is full of events that I will be sure to remember for the rest of my life and I want to enjoy them, planning and all, I don't want to be feeling low when I could be enjoying my daughter playing or writing blog posts or wedding planning with Reece. These are all fun things but during these past two weeks all of it just seemed stressful and to be honest I felt like I was a burden on everyone. The worst it got was Reece came home, Ella-Grace wasn't settling, supper wasn't made, the flat was a mess, I hadn't showered in days, I had snapped at Reece on the phone because I was stressed and I just felt so alone, I couldn't breathe. Panic set in. Reece (being the lovely man he is) came in helped me settle Ella-Grace and gave me a cuddle which yes made me feel better for a bit but every night for those two weeks I was feeling like I couldn't cope. The thing is anxiety makes the smallest thing seem terrible and to me if I am not on top of every little part of my life (which obviously isn't neccessary) then I just feel like a faliure. I want to be superwoman and when I don't feel like I can be that, the world is ending in my head. I cannot describe to you the feeling, it is how I imagine drowning would be. Everything is weighing down on you and you can't breathe. 

I am now feeling much better and we are back to routine. The past few days I have felt like superwoman, everything has been getting done but still today (as I mentioned) have had a dip because - shock- I haven't been in routine. I just have to take it a day at a time and try to remember the positive and what I have accomplished which is also my advice to everyone else who is struggling. 

And breathe. Now that is out I feel a bit better, sorry if it made no sense I just needed to ramble. Thank you for reading I hope this has made you feel less alone if you too are struggling with anxiety and please comment or message me your experiences, how you have been doing and how you cope. I would love to know. I am now hoping to get back to my regular blog posts now I am out of the funk I was in, thank you so much for being so patient. I will always have anxiety, I will always have good and bad days but that does not mean it has to rule me or my life. I am in control, I can battle this and no matter what my anxiety tells me, I AM a good person and I DO deserve happiness. 

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

Ella-Grace : 3 Month Update!!

Tell them about yourself...

"Hi, My name is Ella-Grace Angela Webster! I am 3 months old and have grown/changed a lot since I was born. Mummy looks after me everyday, we have lots of fun singing songs, playing with toys and going on walks. Daddy comes home every night and is off 2 days a week, he is the best at bath time and makes me laugh when he reads me stories. I am growing very big and don't fit into my 0-3 month clothes anymore, Mummy just switched my clothes round to bigger sizes and I am now in size 3 nappies. My favourite things to do are listen to stories, sing songs, nap, have a bath, eat and I am very chatty especially to Mummy and Daddy. I don't like lying down I prefer to sit in my chair, I don't like when my hands or feet are covered I'm always kicking the blanket off me when mummy puts it on me and I especially don't like getting dressed, I prefer to be naked haha! I have learnt lots of new things since I was born and I am currently working on reaching my feet, they look so fun to play with! And that's all from me I think, Mummy will tell you more"

Where has the time gone....

Time really flies when you are having fun... or changing nappies, feeding the baby and all the other things you have to do as a parent. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful daughter and I have enjoyed her first three months so much, watching her grow is amazing but as most mums and dads I'm sure would agree part of me wishes she would slow down and stay my tiny baby for a bit longer!
The other day I put up a post asking for suggestions on what I could write about in my blog, I had many wonderful ideas and thank you so much readers for that I will be taking all of your thoughts on board. One of the things asked for was updates on Ella-Grace (which I am going to do ever three months) so here is her first update at 3 months old. Enjoy.


Feeding...
Since my breastfeeding post a lot has changed with Ella-Grace's feeding (if you would like to know more on my experience please go to my Mum Truths:Breastfeeding blog post). To slightly recap, Ella-Grace is lactose intolerant and even when I cut out dairy she was not keeping my breast milk down, because of this I had to change to bottle feeding her at 2 months. I loved breastfeeding Ella-Grace and really tried getting her back into it but after having bottles she was getting confused, my supply had dropped significantly despite pumping as often as I could and as I said the breast milk unsettled her tummy so to my disappointment I had to stop breastfeeding. I struggled with this as I really wanted to breastfeed her till at least 6 months and I felt like I had failed but as a very wise friend said to me "Fed is best!", to be honest as well she is a lot more settled on the formula and can digest it a lot better. For those interested we get 'Aptimil Lacto-free formula' on prescription for Ella-Grace (luckily as the formula is expensive and in quite small tins compared to average formula). Bringing it back to her update for 3 months she is currently getting 180ml of formula every 3-4 hours. That's all there really is to say on feeding (I will be going into more detail about switching to bottle feeding in a separate blog post as requested).

Sleeping...
Sorry to all the exhausted parents out there who's baby is up all night but Ella-Grace sleeps pretty much all night (still in our bedroom in her swinging cot) depending on what time we put her down, how much she has napped through the day and so on. Our routine with her at the moment is when Reece comes home from work around 7pm he has his supper then we bath her (two days a week), put her in her pjs, read a story then put her to bed with her toy giraffe (cannot forget that giraffe haha) and her dummy. Often she can take a while to settle because she spits her dummy out or rubs her eyes so much she wakes herself up but once she is out she sleeps pretty much all night, the most she will get up is once at about 2am for a bottle then back to sleep. The only worry we have when she is sleeping is the risk of cot death, my brother died when he was a baby of cot death which can mean she has an increased risk but we take all the necessary precautions and have a special alarm to monitor her breathing levels so thankfully she is fine, healthy and we don't need to stress too much. We are so lucky and as I said for the parents who are struggling with sleep I apologise and hope you can get some sleep very soon!

Teething...
Ella-Grace has only just started teething so not much to say about that yet, its a bit of a struggle as she has not quite yet got the co-ordination to hold a teething toy in her mouth so we are having to hold it there for her to chew then she will decide she wants her dummy to suck on instead and then switch again (can be a long process to get her settled). Apart from that and the excessive drooling we haven't had to give her any teething gel or anything like that yet but I know its on its way! Wish us luck, better get ordering those amber beeds I hear they work wonders.

Development...
Oh my goodness I am so proud of our little girls development! This is not to show off or put anyone else's baby down if they have not done some of these things yet- all babies are diffeent and develop at different stages/times- just giving an honest update on how Ella-Grace is getting on and thankfully she is developing well. So far she has laughed, smiled, can roll over from her stomach to her back (not quite mastered the back to belly roll yet, gets stuck on her side), she can grab things, hold her head up and is trying ALREADY to stand! I look at her every day and just think wow she has come so far from that tiny baby in the hospital and I couldn't be prouder. There are things we need to work on with her for example holding toys, messy play, sitting up etc. but all this will come in due time and I know that babies should meet certain milestones by certain ages but in my opinion she will do things when she is ready and able. But yeah at 3 months they are the things that she has developed so far.

Bonding...
As I have said in my previous blog posts I have thankfully had a very strong bond with Ella-Grace since she was born which has helped me through the stressful times in being a new mum, every day I love her more and more. It's hard to describe the bond with your child to someone who hasn't had children but for any of my readers who dont have children and want to know what the bond is like the best way I can describe the bond between me and my baby girl is that it's like we are one person, from the day she was born I have been with her and she has been with me and I feel like we are just one person or unit hence why it is so hard to leave her with someone even her Dad, we are inseparable and I love that. I realise that sounds a bit strange but that's the truth. She is my bestfriend, my little buddy for life. Especially with my anxiety I used to have panic attacks whenever I was alone but now I always have her by my side and I am obviously always busy so she has thankfully made my anxiety better in some ways, making our bond even bigger cause I feel I need her just as much as she needs me.

As for Reece the bond from birth wasn't as strong as mine was with her- which is common for Dad's as they are usually the one's at work, not the main caregivers- but it was always there. Over these past few months they have grew closer and she is gradually becoming more of a Daddy's girl (smiling when he comes home from work, wanting to go to him, letting him put her down to sleep). This gradual bond that they have gained over the past few weeks is in some ways even more special than our instant connection cause I feel that she has learned to love him and appreciates his presence a lot more than mine because I'm mum, here everyday where as she can miss him. This is not me being negative about our bond at all of course I love that she can rely on me to be there everyday, I just think its special that she has a different kind of bond with Daddy.

 We both love her very, very much and we are very fortunate to have a strong family bond.

Allergies and more...
Reece (Ella-Grace's daddy and my fiance) has a list of allergies (allergic to animal hair, hayfever, eczema) and on top of that he has asthma. Ella-Grace - not to our surprise- has developed hayfever, eczema and possibly (still unsure but it is likely) an allergy to animal hair. This on top of her lactose intolerance and reflux/constipation makes things a little difficult and we are constantly checking her breathing ect. as she has a risk of asthma. Luckily none of these allergies have severely bothered her as of yet and we have medicine to help with her constipation (Lactoloose) which she gets every night. As a parent your are constantly worried your child gets ill or hurt so her having these conditions does put me a big on edge but she has always been a little fighter and like her Mama wont let anything put her down. A very strong little lady we are bringing up and I love that about her. There is always the hope she will grow out of some of these allergies so we will just have to wait and see in the next update if they have improved.

Hopes and fears for the next three months... 
I hope for the next few months that Ella-Grace has continuing health and her development continues to go well. To be more specific I am hoping to try her with her first proper food and hopefully learn to sit up but as I said earlier I just want her to go at her own pace and she will do things when she is ready.
I am keeping positive about the future but as a parent you always worry. Ella-Grace has her second set of jabs coming up and she got quite ill the last time so I am a bit scared about that and also teething I am scared she will be very unsettled by and it might interrupt her sleep pattern. Hate seeing her in pain and my anxiety always is at it's peak if she is ever in distress so any kind of shake in her routine always gives me a bit of nerves but we will get through it.

Thank you for reading...
So that is Ella-Grace's 3 month update I hope you enjoyed reading, learnt a little bit about my daughter and maybe related to some of the things going on with her. As always please leave feedback, advice or maybe tell me how your baby is getting on? in the comments I love to read them. Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Mum Truths: Post- Pregnancy Body Image

2nd Blog post this week wow....

Hello again beautiful readers and welcome to the SECOND blog post this week (thanks to Ella-Grace having a long nap right now). So since having Ella-Grace I have been watching a lot of morning TV including Loose Women, this is a show I only usually watch occasionally but these past few weeks they have started a campaign which they have called 'Loose Women: Body Stories' and  today I will be telling mine. My Body Story and to be more specific be talking about Post-Pregnancy Body Image and as always a genuine view on how I've felt about my body since my baby was born. Hope you enjoy reading!

Before Baby Girl...
So before I was pregnant I was relatively happy with my body. I have always been around a size UK 10- 12 and as most people I go through stages of "I'm going to go to the gym and tone up" which never seems to happen and I end up with the usual attitude of "I don't care what other people think I'm happy the way I am". So overall before I was pregnant I never really thought about 'body image' that much I mean I would have anxious times about it but of all the things my anxiety usually effects this wasn't a major one (thankfully). I would go out in town with my friends as wear whatever I wanted as anyone should do- crop tops, skirts, tight dresses.. all these things I was confident to wear. Then I got pregnant and I couldn't see it at the time but now when I look back at photos of me with a bump I always think, wow I looked really nice! I loved showing off my bump so was still able to wear a variation of what I did before to show off the bump (maybe not the crop tops but you know what I mean haha). All this mostly positive image, after baby things changed.

What is my body...
So after having half my body numbed, not being able to walk because of the pain of the c-section and you know the massive responsibility of looking after a new born baby, the way my body looked wasn't the first thing on my mind in fact it wasn't on my mind. A few days later however I just remember getting out the shower and looking in the mirror at my body for the first time, my once perfect baby bump that was holding my precious little girl was an empty, now useless lump of flesh. Being very honest here as always because otherwise whats the point, my belly was sagging - something I had never experienced before- I don't know what I was expecting it to look like to be honest but it wasn't this. So this even though a shock didn't immediately make me upset and I went and carried on with my day. Later on (not sure if the same day or few days later) I asked Reece to look at my c-section scar just to make sure it was doing okay. Lifting up my top I waited for him to tell me what it looked like... silence... "Em babe I need you to lift your baby skin a bit", oh goodness that was a bit awkward. I mean as sweet as Reece was calling it baby skin instead of the many other not so nice options he had, hearing your fiance ask you to lift your belly doesn't exactly make you feel beautiful.
Even after this awkward encounter I wasn't feeling too bad about it, as I explained in my other blog post on baby blues the first two weeks were full of bonding with my baby and dealing with baby blues not thinking about the way I look,
Weeks had now past, Ella-Grace was almost a month old and I had started to notice little things. The sag of my belly you could see when wearing leggings and I had to wear long tops to hide it, the majority of my wardrobe was full of clothes that I couldn't wear, even maternity stuff just made me look either fat or about 6 months pregnant which was not the look I was going for. The fact that I didn't really know my body or how to dress it anymore was starting to get to me.

Tears in Primark...
Ella-Grace now over a month old, Reece being his usual lovely self he came home with a bunch of roses and asked me if I wanted to go on a date (He's a keeper) to which I obviously said yes. It had been organised for my sister to babysit for us and we were going to go for our first meal out since having our daughter. Although anxious about leaving Ella-Grace for the first time I was excited to have a night that I could dress up and spend some one on one time with my fiance. A few days before Reece, Ella-Grace and I went into town for lunch and Reece offered to buy me an outfit for our date as he knew I was having trouble fitting into my pre-pregnancy wardrobe. 10 mins looking round Primark and I told Reece I just wanted to go home, he tried to get me to stay but as tears built into my eyes he knew it was time to go. I'm not sure what exactly triggered my mini breakdown but I just remember looking at all the clothes I liked and thinking I can't wear that and feeling like I had to just find the baggiest thing possible which of course I didn't like. I felt like the style I liked and had always worn I would have to change and I was no longer able to be me in a way. Being a mum is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me but I still have an identity away from my baby and I felt like that had been stripped away from me.
All this sounds silly now I'm saying it considered it had only been like 4 weeks and it was just clothes but that's how I felt in that moment. I didn't speak the whole way home, poor Reece must of been so confused. (Despite this I would like to say I did end up finding an outfit and we had a lovely date night- picture below).

First night out and Confidence Building... 
So for a few more weeks I felt quite crappy about my body and no matter how many times people said "You look great" or how many times Reece insisted "Your sexy" I was still down about the way I looked and my vast reduction in clothing choices- baggy or nothing that's it. Then a few weeks ago I had my first night out and again a few day s before I braved the shops- this time on my own as Reece had some daddy , daughter time with Ella-Grace- it took me 3 hours and a lot of trying on things (the shop assistants must of thought I was mad)  but I found an outfit, When the night out came and I had the chance to get dolled up and re-discover my carefree 20 year old self for a few hours I was feeling a lot more body confident and within a few hours I just wanted home to my baby girl so I went home very early but with a newly found sense of body confidence. I scrubbed up well considering my saggy baby skin haha.
(Picture Below)

I Love my Mum Bod.... 
Yes, I am eating healthy (as best I can) and just starting to workout again but I love my Mum Bod and with Ella-Grace being my main priority getting a Kim Kardashian figure is not top on my to-do list. After getting all dressed up I really put things into perspective. I JUST HAD A BABY! Of course your body is going to change, it just grew a human being in it and my sagging skin and stretch marks are not something to cry about they are to be celebrated, they are something I should be proud and privileged to have. Because of this change to my body I got my beautiful daughter. Yes of course I sometimes it still bothers me but over all my body confidence has vastly improved.

Stop Comparing yourself...
Now referring back to the stimulus for this blog post- Loose women Body Stories. This was my Body Story, as for all your body stories I hope they all end with you feeling confident in yourself. Feel too fat, too thin, ugly, spotty, too tall. too short, one leg, heck if you are green skinned with eight eyes YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! There is only one of you, work it and be confident. As a society we are diseased with comparing ourselves to others, don't do it, you are you and that is amazing and I can guarantee you might be comparing yourself to someone else thinking they are prettier or thinner ect. but I bet they are also comparing themselves with someone else too- its a vicious cycle that must stop. Find something you love about yourself and focus on that and as for the mums like me who might feel like they are losing themselves in their role of being a mum.. 5 minutes.. find 5 minutes to do your make up or hair or whatever makes you feel like you look on fleek and you will feel so much better.

And that's another post finished... 
Thanks for reading hope you enjoyed it and it maybe was something you could relate to, please feel free to comment what was your post-pregnancy body experience? What is your body story?
Before I go (I can hear Ella-Grace stirring think its feeding time) if you haven't seen the Loose Women: Body Stories its worth a look- a very positive campaign which I think is needed and also speaking of body confidence why not make someones day and give someone a compliment tomorrow, today, within the hour whenever- it might just give someone that boost they need to be confident and go from body conscious to body confident. Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

  

Mum Truths: Baby Blues

Time to talk about it....

(Above photo I was having major baby blues but adoring my baby girl at the same time so I posted it with a happy caption on Instagram, just shows how people can put on a front)

Hi readers and welcome back to my blog! I hope you all enjoyed the first instalment of 'Mum Truths' and if you haven't read it yet why not give it a read after this one and give me some feedback. So last time I spoke about my experience of breastfeeding and how its going thus far (will probably have to write another one as its all changed this past week) and now for this 'Mum Truths' you will be reading the experience I have had on baby blues, this is one that when I was pregnant I had heard of but most of the time the topic had been brushed away I had no idea quite how intense and awful baby blues can be. Maybe it was worse for me because I already suffer from a disorder or maybe its this way for everyone and it's just not spoken about (which it should be) I don't know but anyway this was my reality. Enjoy the read and comment below your experience I would love to know.

Anxiety and Panic Disorder...

Before I even touch on baby blues I must briefly explain some issues I had prior to baby, anxiety and panic disorder to be exact. For as long as I can remember I have had constant anxiety about things, to start with thinking everyone had this but no one spoke about it until I got diagnosed after having a series of scary panic attacks, major anxiety and high blood pressure about 2 years ago. Many people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and everyone is different but for me the best way I can explain it is I have a constant stress or worry about things that shouldn't need a lot of overthinking and often this can lead to a feeling of what the doctor described as 'impending doom'- like everything is going wrong and I struggle to function, I usually end up pacing, crying and hyperventilating (this being when I cant control them which is rare now thank goodness). I'm not going to go into too much detail about this as I am going to do a separate blog post on it but that is the basic facts you need to know that might contribute to my experience of baby blues.

A rollercoaster of emotions....

So having a baby is a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute your baby is sleeping in your arms and your on this massive loving high then the next minute your baby is crying and you cant figure out what's wrong bringing you down very low. It can be a vicious cycle but at the same time amazing as any parent will tell you I'm sure.
So when my daughter was born and at 1am we were wheeled through to the ward I was full of adrenaline and love, she was a calm little darling who latched on moments after birth and we spent that entire night/early hours of the morning cuddling and bonding it was a magical, happy time and that initial bond I am so thankful for as that is what got me through the baby blues. My heart goes out to the mothers who struggle to find a bond, if you are one of those mums or dads don't worry that bond will come! With this amazing instant bond between us my journey into motherhood definitely started on a major high but as most major high feelings go it came crashing down throughout the second day/night of Ella-Grace's life (this is touched on in my last blog post). Ella-Grace started crying more due to my milk not coming in straight away and her having a bit of tummy trouble (apparently common for C-section babies) and being a first time mum on no sleep, in pain from the surgery and to top it all off having anxiety and panic disorder- baby blues hit me hard on that second day.
Having to deal with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life though I was quite good at putting on a front when my parents came to visit ignoring the sad feelings I was having, holding back tears and just focusing on how amazing my little girl was but with my main support (Reece) being at work for the entire day when they took Ella-Grace for her checks and the midwife tried to help me get out of bed, to the shower and back for the first time the pain and overwhelming blanket of sadness was too much and I cried in my bed for a while until the midwife came back with my little bundle of joy who I looked at and just cried more because I felt like I was doing wrong by her. 'What are your crying for you have a beautiful baby girl?' 'Your being stupid' 'You can't have a breakdown, your a mum' all these thoughts that I now know are wrong were going through my head and at the time they felt like very valid points. After again crying when Reece came to visit that night I tried to push it down again thinking its just cause I'm not at home I will feel completely better when I'm home right? If only.

Home but not happy... 

Tuesday 21st March 2017: Time to go home! Fighting through my anxiety I was excited to go home telling myself being at home would make me more relaxed and it seemed to be working... then the complications started. That morning I had asked the doctor to give me at least an hours notice before I had to leave because my parents lived an hour away and they were taking me home to which the doctor replied no problem, you wont be out till about 4pm anyways. So the day was passing Ella-Grace and I had passed our checks (my temperature was a bit high but they said it wasn't anything to worry about) my friend Charleigh and her mum came to visit at 2pm thinking they could stay with me until I had to go... "You can leave in 10 minutes" WHAT??? 2pm, 2 hours before I told my parents I would be out and the doctor said they needed the bed for someone else so I had to leave in 10 minutes to which I obviously said my parents wouldn't be here till 4pm, so they told me to go to the waiting room. Now the staff I had through my whole Labour and Delivery were amazing but the fact that my baby was 2 days old, I was a new mum and I was being basically forced out of my bed to the waiting room was a shock and made me a nervous wreck. Luckily my friend and her mum watched Ella-Grace as I got dressed and then helped me move all the stuff (which was a lot!) to the waiting room. About an hour came and went, my friend and her mum went home and I was alone in the waiting room just me and my new baby, thankfully sleeping. For that entire hour after I felt unbelievably stressed, not in my own environment and in a room now with no help I was very anxious and just about managed to keep it together until my parents came. Again I know this isn't the staffs fault, if they need a bed they need a bed but two days after having a baby, your sore and emotional being rushed out and thrown about 10 000 leaflets that you are expected to read like NOW, it wasn't the happy, calm trip home I had envisioned and only added to my anxiety.
Finally home as much as I loved my family and appreciated all my parents had done for me I really wanted them to go, I felt overwhelmed with the whole stress of the way home and needed to be by myself to wind down and wait for Reece to get home. So they left and I basically cried, ALOT! Luckily Reece came home an hour later and had to literally put me in bed I was so exhausted and the amazing Dad he is he totally took over looking after Ella-Grace for the night. THIS. This right here is why I love him, he knows exactly what I need when I'm anxious and although to start with I felt like a bad mum for just going to sleep and not spending time with my baby I know now that if I had not let Reece take over (which was amazing bonding for them anyway) I may still be feeling baby blues and major anxiety today, I needed to recharge my batteries.

Oh no its 5pm...
So the next morning I felt great! I'd slept, I was home with my beautiful daughter and amazing fiancé, yes I was very sore from the C-section (thank goodness for pain killers) but I had a feeling of I could do this! The day came and went, it started to approach 5pm and my anxiety settled in, I was looking down at my daughter and PANIC! 'I'm a bad mum' 'I cant do this' 'Everything is so different and scary' All these thoughts going through my head, leading to a panic attack.
These feelings of baby blues had caused me to regress back to when my anxiety was bad and I again like all those years before was starting to have panic attacks every night for about two weeks! and as amazing it was bonding with Ella-Grace those first two weeks it was a struggle having a constant voice in my head saying I wasn't good enough for my baby and almost scared of her crying incase I couldn't deal with it. But I got through it.

How I got through it...
So luckily I now (8 weeks postpartum) am over the baby blues, I still deal with a lot of anxiety obviously but I have it under control thankfully, I know how lucky I am to be in this position as others aren't so fortunate. Key to me getting through it was the intense bond I have with my child (again very thankful that we bonded immediately), the support I had from my amazing partner/family and also KEY to getting through baby blues and first time mum fears in my opinion is pushing yourself to do what your scared of. I could of had all the support in the world and trust me, anything I needed Reece was willing to help but until you push yourself to do what your scared of anxiety and fear will hold you down. So are you scared to take your baby on the bus- go on the bus, scared to go to the shop with your baby- go to the shop and you will realise its not as scary as you have built it up in your head and if it doesn't go well that's okay you can try again when your ready. Do, do this with support though I would suggest and take small steps first like local shop before going to a busy shopping centre for example that's just my advice anyway if anyone was needing any. And this coming from someone who constantly battles with high anxiety and panic attacks on top of the baby blues I was feeling if I got through it so can you, believe in yourself.

Now...
So that's pretty much everything up to this point. It is currently 21:53, Ella-Grace is in bed, Reece is playing the PlayStation and I'm on here finishing this blog post off for you lovely people. Baby blues is tough but it DOES pass, yes I still stress I had a panic attack literally yesterday when Ella-Grace was away to get her injections but you know what she is fine now fast asleep at home and I am also fine, I am happy and I ADORE being a mum. And with that we have come to the end of the blog post I hope you enjoyed reading it and as usual I hope this helped someone out there feeling like baby blues will never end, it will and you are amazing!! Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Mum Truths: Breastfeeding

The first instalment....
Hi readers! Welcome back to my blog, this is the first of hopefully many 'Mum Truths'. In this blog post I'm going to be speaking about the reality of breastfeeding, my experience anyways. The things you don't get told, the things you do and the things you don't realise until your actually the one with the new born latched onto you. I hope this brings comfort and a sense of relief to other mums who might be going through the same stuff and even if your situation with your child is or was completely different here is an honest experience from one mum to hopefully many others who are trying their best. So before I start, to all you mums out there- Your doing great!! Enjoy the blog!

Breast or Bottle...
So to be clear I am pretty much exclusively breastfeeding (at the moment) with a bottle of formula in the afternoon and occasionally in the night. This I have been told is called combined feeding or combination feeding.
When I found out I was pregnant I was sure I was going to ONLY breastfeed! 'Breast is best' 'Its the natural thing to do' everyone said from strangers to health professionals which is not wrong, this opinion I agree with breastmilk is made for the baby of course its good for them maybe even it is best for them but in no way does that mean its easy to do or that bottle feeding/combined feeding should be negatively looked upon. Not knowing about combined feeding, hearing how terrible formula was for your baby (untrue) and being so keen to breastfeed my naïve prgnant brain thought it will be easy right? No. Although luckily I have not had as big a problem as some others have had it is far from easy and comes with challenges as any mother would know who has breastfed. Now being a mum I can see that everything to do with parenting comes with challenges- breastfeeding, bottle feeding, sleeping, bathing ect. - and we as mums and dads are just trying our best to be the best parents we can be, so to all those parents judging other parents for bottle feeding or judging that mum for breast feeding in public, just stop. We all need to support each other and realise we are all doing our very best no matter what choices we make or opinions we have we all have one thing in common, we love our children.  Breast vs Bottle debate resolved now back to my experience.

Latched on straight away but then...
After my beautiful daughter Ella-Grace was born and we got to recovery I was lucky enough for her to latch on automatically! Hearing how much other mothers have struggled with this (hold my hands up to you ladies I don't know how you did it) I am very thankful I didn't have that problem! So yeah she latched on straight away and the first night we had together was a relaxing yet surreal night I will never forget. Things seemed to be going well that entire night and most of the second day, then the night came and things got stressful. Not having slept in about 48 hours I was tired and very emotional, obviously to be expected as I just had a baby and as everyone liked to constantly remind me MAJOR SURGERY (this is exactly how people said it to me hahaha) Ella-Grace was still latching but would continue to cry after being fed.
Being in a ward with lots of other mums and mine screaming I felt like I was doing something wrong (sounds silly now but that's how I felt). Reece came to visit us and we were both a crying mess, still to this day I don't know how that didn't scare him away being the first time he'd seen us both since Ella-Grace was born. Anyway so there we were Ella-Grace and I uncontrollably crying and Reece also being a first time parent not really knowing what to do then thankfully the most lovely nurse came in and offered a formula feed as she advised me that my milk may be taking a while to come in. Reece accepted the offer for me and although I had no problem with formula the exhaustion and crazy hormone imbalance convinced me that I was failing at feeding already how was I going to do this!!
Reece had to leave (which only made me more upset) and I was left with the nurse cup feeding my little girl. I felt like a failure. And to this day I wish I knew that nurses name as she really helped me that night- helping me latch Ella-Grace on to get my supply going, leaving the buzzer close and telling me to buzz when ever she got too unsettled, positioning Ella-Grace in her crib in order to help her tummy, giving me advice and continuously checking on me to make sure we were both okay. Although it didn't stop me from being a complete emotional wreck it did help having someone I knew could help me.
I learned 2 important things that night that have stuck in my head.
1. The second night is always the hardest. I got told this by the midwife and several other mums, the first night your full of adrenaline then the second night the responsibility, exhaustion and hormones hit you and stress is at an all time high. But guess what? The second night ends and the next day begins.
2. Almost all babies have at least one cup feed in hospital. I was not a failure because of a little bit of formula and neither of course is any other mum that has to have their baby cup fed. It was at this point I decided to combine feed with a bottle in evening as it gave me peace on mind knowing that if she wouldn't/couldn't take from my breast at least she would be used to formula. This being a good decision given my situation at the moment which I will get into soon.

Back home and the first month...
The third day after I had Ella-Grace we were sent home! Nervous about being a mum and looking after her but looking forward to being in my own environment we set off home. That first night at home Reece really came to my rescue I was so exhausted and emotional I could not function properly. I feel guilty even saying that as I am not the priority, the baby is but as they say you cant look after someone else unless you look after yourself so that's what I had to do. Reece, my hero took Ella-Grace for a few hours and bottle fed her so I could sleep so when I got up after my first proper sleep in days there he was bottles sterilised and baby fed and fast asleep, if your reading this babe that really helped. An amazing dad from the start! So after this and up to now I have been combination feeding with no more than two bottles a day usually just the one in the afternoon. And apart from the normal breast feeding problems (sore nipples, constant feeding and soaking through breastpads ALL THE TIME) breastfeeding has been going well! Until about two weeks ago when a problem cropped up which might change the routine we have gotten so comfortable with.

Lactose intolerant...
Ella-Grace is now 6 weeks old and about 2 weeks ago she started to projectile vomit up all her milk, mostly after her formula but also after my breast milk. I spoke to my mum and the heath visitor about it and we came to the conclusion that she was lactose intolerant as I was as a baby. For those who don't know Lactose is a type of glucose that is in dairy products and I think (not a medical professional so don't quote me on this) there is some in breast milk but not a lot, and this is what my baby girl is allergic to. This means we had to switch to a lacto-free formula and I am now on a dairy free diet, originally I tried to cut down thinking it might help her grow out of it but she was still a bit sick so I have just boycott it entirely. So for the last two weeks after cutting that out and switching formula we haven't had any problems but today, the exact day I am writing this ironically, she has started to projectile vomit after breastmilk but not formula? Even though |I have cut out dairy? So that's the next challenge I am on and that is as far as my breastfeeding reality goes thus far.

Recap...
So to recap on my experience.. Latched straight away, breast milk production delayed, cup-feed leading to combination feeding, good few weeks of breastfeeding, lactose allergy appeared and now only processing formula. I have the health visitor again this week so hopefully find out the problem but who knows maybe breastfeeding will work out but maybe I might have to just feed her the formula which is something I never thought I would do because of the whole 'Breast is best' which I used to be so sure of but you know what things change and all babies are different and sometimes breast isn't best, what's best is whatever your baby needs/wants and as long as they are being fed that's what matters! So there it is my first 'Mum truths' blog post I hope you all enjoyed it thanks so much for reading and Ella-Grace if in the future you read this thanks for sleeping the entire time I typed it out haha. And again for all you expectant mums, new mums, experienced mums and not to forget the lovely dads your all doing a great job!!

Next time...
My next 'Mum Truths' will be on the topic of baby blues which will also include me talking a bit about my anxiety and panic disorder which obviously had a bit of a part to play in my baby blues and experience of becoming a new mum. I hope you will all be back to read it and that it might help someone going through similar things- as I always say that's the aim of my blogs, to remind people they are not alone and make a difference in this world we all call home.

And remember Stay Happy Everyone :)!

A Promise to my Daughter.

"If not me, who? If not now, when?"
- Emma Watson

I was born a girl because of this reason certain things were expected of me by society and the ideas I used to have on the world and my place in it was dependant on this minor detail of myself.
For a lot of my school years I thought what I wore had to be appealing to boys, to be worthy I had to have a boyfriend, wearing revealing clothing was "un-lady like' and meant I would not be respected. I used to think that some jobs were just for boys and as a girl my career opportunities were limited and because I was a female I had to act dumb, cause no one likes a confident, smart girl. As I grew up thankfully I saw my true potential was based on more than the gender roles that were pushed on me and since I've been very vocal on equal rights to make sure no one else feels this way but unfortunately this is still a reality in many schools, equality does not seem to be part of the 'curriculum'.

The word 'Feminism' usually has people running for the hills shouting things like 'man hater' but for me the word brings hope and invokes passion (To clarify by 'Feminism' I am talking about equal rights of BOTH genders-male and female- as the definition states). This being a term I never knew of in school but learned in college opening my mind to a whole new world of possibilities, helping me gain confidence in myself and changing me for life. As I said earlier I started to live my life and think of myself differently through my knowledge of equal rights. I fought back to any discrimination I felt I faced and empowered others to do the same, sometimes sticking up for equal rights can cause conflict or people to think your 'too senstitive' but the sense of confidence I had gained meant that I could logically retaliate to any tension, this being one of my qualities I am actually quite proud of . I often think if only I could speak to my 13/14 year old self and tell her what I know now, tell her to be confident, be empowered, don't accept sexism but unfortunately I can't. But I can or better yet we can help the future generation.

Recently I went through a life changing event, I had a baby. A daughter. A little girl who will grow in society the same as I did right? Wrong. I want her to view herself and her place in the world differently to how I did, I want her to feel strong, independent throughout her life and be treated equally without having to fight for it. So to hopefully make this happen this is my promise to my daughter and I encourage others to uphold a similar promise to their daughters and sons making for a better future because as I quoted at the beginning "If not now, when?"

My darling daughter,
I promise you that you will always know that you are unconditionally loved and valued through everything.
I promise to encourage you to be independent, dream big and break glass ceilings.
I promise to fight your corner if ever someone does you an injustice.
I promise to teach you how you should be treated and in turn how you should treat others.
I promise to educate you in your rights and that discrimination will not be tolerated.
I promise to tell you to be yourself not to conform to what society says a girl should be. 
I promise to let you make your own decisions and help you spread your wings.
I promise to give you advice when needed and leave you be when you want to work things out yourself.
I promise to show you the importance of valuing yourself based on what you think not what others think.
I promise to promote equal rights in my day to day life hopefully making a more equal society.
And above all I promise to  try and be the best mum and person I can be for you my sweetheart.
Through these promises in your life I hope you will always know that you can do anything and that your value is not based on your gender. I hope these promises empower you and that I can be the strong role model you need.

I know promises can be hard to keep, being a mum can be difficult and what my daughter will face in the world is out of my control but if I educate her in equal rights and encourage others to do the same things might change..
the future generation might be more equal.. boys feeling free to be sensitive... girls not being judged on their looks or on what they wear... equal pay... no gender roles..... more specifically maybe my little girl will be more confident in herself.. maybe if someone tells her she 'runs like a girl' she will think that's great... maybe she will see her career options as vast and not selective.... or if all she gained from these promises was a nagging mum telling her to always fight for what is right I would be okay with that, cause at least she would have this knowledge. That is so important.

A bit different to what I usually write but I was feeling inspired by my little girl and what I wish for her future, I hope you all enjoyed it and if you have a daughter or a son, I hope after reading this it reminds you to not only teach your children about equality but to also uphold this in your own day to day life. Change starts with you readers, make a difference! Thanks for reading!

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Induction: Early Stages

A Quick Update!

And let the Induction process begin! Hello readers, thank you for coming back to my blog people who have been before and if this is your first time here HEY hope you will enjoy reading. So currently 11.30pm, baby’s heartrate just checked (all looking good) and I am unable to get back to sleep. Good job I have my Queen B playlist and blog to keep me busy through this sleepless night.

So, since I can’t sleep or when I do manage to drift off I end up being woken up by nurses for checks I thought it would be the perfect time to write a quick update on what’s going on. At about 7am this morning I woke up and made some toast for me and Reece, riddled with nerves and excitement we ate our toast and got ready for the day. My parents who were driving us to the hospital left their house (which is an hour away) at 9am to come and pick us up, I phoned the hospital to ask what time they would like me to come in to which they responded with 11.30 am. YAY felt like baby girl was finally going to be here even though I know inductions can be lengthy at least it was a start. My parents arrived at around 10 am and we decided since we had time to kill we would go over the road for a cooked breakfast and a chat, my dad chill as usual and my mum beaming with excitement. Reece and I still feeling the same as we were earlier, excited, and nervous. Breakfast finished we headed to the hospital and got checked into the ward, Reece accompanying me to the ward and my parents waiting in the café until we could go out and meet them.

For anyone that is interested to know my birthing partners are obviously my fiancé, Reece, and my mum. So, they had decided to swap sitting with me in the induction as only one person is allowed in the induction ward with you (9am till 9pm) unless you go out to the lounge or café. This all things I learned today for the first time as it is my first baby, just relaying the information for all my readers who maybe have not had this experience before. Now checked in there was a lot of waiting, as there would be in a hospital it was quite busy. Surrounded by women who were all in pain and from what I could tell progressing a lot faster than I was, I expected this to make me more nervous but weirdly it made me less nervous knowing all these women were in the same boat as me and we would all have to go through a similar pain... don’t know if anyone else felt this way when they were in the hospital but that’s how I felt. I tried to take comfort from the other women’s pain instead of fear. Around 12.30pm the baby’s heartrate was checked along with my blood pressure- all fine- then my cervix was examined. Dilated 0… ugh. I expected this but still it’s disappointing, I just want my baby girl here! The midwife then inserted a pessary which she said would be in place for 24 hours unless I go into labour before this time. Here is hoping that it helps me dilate at least a little, 1cm and I would be ecstatic! The midwife informed me that I had to lie on my side for half an hour to which then I thought it was meant that she would come back to check but she didn’t so I ended up waiting for almost 2 hours just to find out she didn’t need to check on me and I could have gone for a walk. What an idiot I felt like haha oh well. So, I got dressed being careful not to dislodge the pessary and Reece and I went for a walk to meet my anxious parents who had probably had 5 + cups of tea/ coffee by now out of boredom.

An hour or two past, I had had a hot chocolate and gone for a walk to try get things going. Nothing yet. Went back to the ward to ask if we were okay to get a Chinese with my parents (Dad’s treat woo!) and eat it in the sitting area to which they were more than happy for us to do. After eating more Chinese food than I’d like to admit Reece and I went back to the ward to get baby’s heart rate checked again, all fine! Then midwife gave us the all clear to go for another wonder, back to the café we went! Time now being around half 6/7pm.

Reece, my parent’s, and I sat and chatted until about half 8 at which time I was shattered and had to be getting back to the ward anyways before they had to leave and go home. So, I said goodbye to my mum and dad until tomorrow and Reece came back with me to the ward to help me settle in before he had to leave.

Blankets now on my bed, teeth brushed, face washed, movie on and pyjamas looked out it was now time for Reece to go home until the morning. Cue floods of tears. I’m perfectly capable of spending time away from Reece but hormones kicked in and I don’t know it was just so nice having him near like a comfort blanket, damn love is weird makes you an emotional wreck. He dried my tears and gave me a cuddle then off he went for some well-deserved sleep. Miss him so much, roll on 9am!!

Now in my pyjamas, I watched the rest of the movie (Finding Dory btw) and tried to get some sleep. I got about an hour before being woken up for checks and that brings me to right now.

So, that’s the update! Not very interesting so far, aside from a few period type pains it was just a day of waiting around and replying to anxious messages from friends and family so sorry about that but my feedback from readers have praised my truthfulness and that’s the truth: Induction (to my experience so far anyway) is slow, slow and slow some more. A lot of waiting and checking and cups of tea... so much tea!!! I hope you enjoyed this quick update not sure when I will be able to post again as I’m hoping baby girl makes her appearance very soon and the next post I will be writing about will be my birth experience and introducing baby girl to the blog. Might take a while to get done as I’m sure baby girl will occupy my every waking moment but WATCH THIS SPACE! I will get there! Thanks for reading, feedback is always welcome! Till next time!

Stay Happy Everyone J! 

My Pregnancy Journey. (Part 3)

The Last leg of the Journey...
Welcome back readers! Thank you so much for reading this far, I hope you have all enjoyed reading about my journey just as much as I have enjoyed writing about it. An emotional rollercoaster pregnancy I have had but wouldn't change it for the world, I just can't to have baby girl in my arms finally! So to recap, the last two blog posts covered finding out I was pregnant to around 20 weeks pregnant (go read if you would like to catch up before reading this part!). In this final pregnancy blog post I will be writing about the last 20+ weeks of pregnancy and what me and my partner experienced during this time. Like life is, these weeks had its ups and downs but HEY we are still here going strong and looking forward to bringing our baby girl into the world by the end of this week (Induction scheduled for tomorrow woo!).

Scans, scans and more scans...
Weekly scans now, checking up on that hole in the heart and keeping track of baby girl's anatomy. I would like to take this moment to thank the doctor we had in the hospital for these weekly checks, since we had quite a bad experience at the first scan we really appreciated the way this doctor was with me especially. Helped me keep calm through my nerves. So a few scans had past each seemed to be a bit more reassuring than the other as baby girl's anatomy had been growing as normal and the hole in the heart although still present seemed to be getting smaller, healing hopefully.
For people that may not know when they are checking the heart on a ultrasound scan carefully they can put on a setting which shows the direction of the blood flow through the heart, in turn being able to see if the blood is going in and out of the right chambers/crossing over properly etc. (excuse my lack of medical terminology, it has been a while since I did my biology exam) So yeah checking this each time we had a scan it was a relief for us seeing that everything seemed normal and the hole had not caused miss-direction of blood flow as if this happened it could have been a completely different and fatal problem, we feel very lucky to have experienced this as we know some parents and their babies aren't that lucky unfortunately.
So between 25-30 weeks (cant remember exactly what week sorry) the doctor gave us the all clear to begin growth scans instead of anatomy scans, YAY! The baby's hole in the heart seemed to have healed but the doctor did let us know that scans can only be so accurate and baby girl may require to have a scan on her heart when she is born as well as other tests to check for down syndrome since she was high risk and also blood was to be taken from her umbilical chord due to my blood being O-negative, this though we had been told was easy to treat through medication and only a problem if our blood mixed. I feel I should mention there are other signs in the scan that can indicate down syndrome but none were found, these signs only being present in 50% of babies who have down syndrome so even though they weren't found in our scan she was still classed as high risk hence the extra after birth checks she will be having.
The checks after birth were not a worry for us, of course its not ideal no one wants their baby to have to undergo lots of tests you just want to cuddle them and protect them but we were just so happy that she was looking healthy enough to actually get to the birth part it could have been so much worse. We were so happy for the three of us, things were looking up!

Stressful events over yet?...
So I think it would be worth mentioning that while we were getting the weekly scans and obviously our biggest concerns were the baby and her health other big decisions and stressful events had occurred making things just that bit more difficult. I wont go into to much detail as I could take up a whole other blog post but here are the significant parts. Reece and I had some trouble with our new landlord, as nice as he was he was not ready to let go of his house and we felt more like the house was just that a house not a home, not the best when you are going to bring a baby into the world. We found ourselves missing the previous two bedroom flat we had, it was so much better for us for so many reasons (better landlords, more homely, we were free to decorate, better area, more shops, could actually get signal on our phones.. just to name a few reasons). Thankfully we were able to get our old flat back in the end and the landlords even agreed to take the rent down because they the same as us missed having us occupy the flat, so much to thank our landlords for its unreal! Life is so much easier when you have a great relationship with your landlords!
Another thing we had decided to do due to the baby and moving AGAIN was postpone our wedding (originally meant to be this year now going to be next year). This being difficult for us as we had a lot of it planned out already and we really wanted to be married but at the same time love is love no matter the circumstances and we didn't need a bit of paper to show us that we loved each other, I'd like to think anyone who met us could see that we were head over heals for each other. We knew we could get married whenever, the main focus was making a good home for the three of us and making sure baby girl had everything she needed before anything else. So that was that moving again and wedding postponed two very big decisions that happened at the same time as the constant scans checking on baby, lots of worry but we got through it! End of the stressful events right? Unfortunately no.
So by 34 weeks we had, had one other growth scan which went fine, nothing to report our baby girl was beautiful and healthy. But then we got the second growth scan accompanied by an appointment with the consultant and they found what was written in my notes as a red flag. Baby girl's estimated weight was on the small side as well as her femur bones measuring significantly smaller than her weeks. The sonographer kept her cool making us feel like it was not a big deal but her concern must of been shown in the notes as when we went up to the consultant she felt the need to remind us that we had a 1 in 5 risk with no invasive testing being done. I said I was aware of this and she nodded, circled "Small femur measurement" and left the room. I already knew what was meant by this but Reece was confused. While she was out the room I explained to Reece that a sign of downs syndrome being present was small estimated weight (her being 4 pounds when she was meant to be 5 1/2 pounds +) and also a short femur measurement, I knew this through the endless amount of googling I had done on pregnancy and down syndrome signs. Although many people tell
me not to google things or that its a bad idea I find it keeps my anxiety at bay being informed on everything and anything I could be. The consultant came back in and said that she had consulted with other doctors and they had agreed that it is not a massive worry at the moment but that it was something that they wanted to pay extra attention to in the next scan, subtly letting us know that it was a sign that they would look out for by again saying 'your baby is 1 in 5 of downs and at 20 years old this is very rare'. We left the scan happy to see our baby again but now worried about her more than ever, comforting each other with a tight grip of  each other's hand the whole way home and that night for the first time it was Reece that needed comforting. More than happy to return the strength he had given me over the years we spoke about everything, cuddled in bed with our little life and eventually we drifted off to sleep.

The final weeks...
Following this scan I had a midwife appointment, this being the third or fourth different midwife I'd actually seen due to all the moving and delayed appointments because of the switch of practice. The final midwife I had and still have now was lovely and bubbly but at this appointment I got a very serious tone from her setting alarm bells off. After all the normal checks, she asked 'are you nervous since you are 1 in 5 of downs?' and to that I answered not really, I'm excited and keeping positive. The midwife heard this and seemed to be very surprised '1 in 5 of down syndrome, so young, this is very rare.. I don't want you going into hospital unprepared for what might happen'. To the midwife's defence I think she meant this in the nicest way possible and was just trying to warn/prepare me for the checks and possible lengthy hospital stay ahead but I felt so anxious in that moment right there, a sudden feeling of oh my goodness my baby is so ill everything is going wrong! I smiled when I left but as soon as I was gone I was on the phone to Reece overwhelmed.
Luckily I had learnt over time how to keep my anxiety at bay and avoid full blown panic attacks but I do have a tendency to get a bit obsessive when over thinking so when I got home at the end of the day I spent hours searching everything on downs syndrome birth experiences and other mothers stories but unfortunately no amount of social media posts, blogs, YouTube videos, google searches or inspiring stories could stop me from worrying!
Since this appointment slowly I started to get less anxious and more content with the situation and again Reece and I were more excited than worried. With every strong kick in the ribs I got being a reminder that she was okay. I could almost here a little voice along with each kick saying 'Mum, Dad I'm fine in here! Stop worrying'.  Weeks passed heartbeat looked strong, each scan even though estimated weight being small there was still significant growth so the consultant went from alarmed to accepting she was just a small baby and her femur bone length could just be a result of me being smaller height than average. Finally all positive news! The first time Reece and I had felt like a run of the mill, no problem pregnancy rather than the HIGH RISK PREGNANCY of such a young couple. Baby girl was so close to being here now (I say 6 days overdue still no baby in my arms haha!)

Good times are here...

So from 37 weeks onward things were just getting better! My maternity pay had started finally after being delayed, we had prepared everything for baby girl, had an amazing pregnancy photoshoot thanks to my talented sister, baby showers (yes multiple, I have the best people in my life) and to top it all off Reece FINALLY landed a job he had wanted after a year of gaining experience.. this meaning more money for us as a family and an overall pretty perfect life, everything coming together all we had to do was wait for this baby girl to get here! Little did we know we would still be waiting at 41 weeks.. maybe I should of ate more spicy food who knows (old wives tales ah the disappointment they bring haha)! And that's it the end of my pregnancy journey, on the blog anyways I personally still have a possible few days left of carrying baby girl.

That's all folks...
For those of you who actually made it to the end of this blog post, sorry I know it was a long one but didn't want to miss any detail, thank you so much for reading and I hope you have enjoyed reading my journey. My pregnancy has been above all memorable and certainly worth while, I am beyond ready for baby girl to be here and hopefully she will be here before the week is out if the induction goes successfully tomorrow (Wish me luck!!). I would like to thank my fiancé, friends and family for supporting me I am blessed with some amazing people in my life and can't wait for you all to meet little one. Till next time everyone, thanks again hope to be introducing baby girl to you all soon!
Stay Happy Everyone :) !