IRONIC!
Before I start I would just like to say that I just finished writing this post and was just about to publish it then it all erased and now I am starting again... Oh the irony of how venting this to help my anxiety actually could give me so much of it because of it being deleted LOL! Back to the actual blog post.
Back to basics..
Right Guys, I'm going back to basics for this blog post and letting my thoughts/feelings take over, so sorry if this post is a bit ranty (not a word haha) and random. I love all the content in my blog but for the past few blog posts I feel there has been some blurred lines. Most of you know as well as writing my personal blog I am a freelance writer mainly for BabyGaGa.com. Because of this I feel that my most recent blog posts although interesting and still me, sound a bit too much like articles which is not what my blog is about. I started my blog as a venting place for me and for other people who might be able to relate to my experiences to not feel alone. So that's exactly what I am doing today, venting! I need it! August was a particularly anxious month for me, I didnt talk about it at the time as I was dealing in it in my own little way but now I am in a better head space I can let it out, I know this is the majority of my readers favourite things to read and you all love how honest I am so hopefully you won't mind this back to basics rant.
Whats been going on and how I've been..
So at the start of August, right before my birthday which is the 5th, I could feel that my anxiety and panic disorder was starting to play up. I knew this because I was starting to get stressed about little things, get short tempered with Reece (sorry babe) and it sounds weird but its almost like this feeling of tension comes on me and I feel constantly not relaxed.
-Side note for those who want to read my full anxiety and panic disorder story please feel free to go to that post then come back here for the update-
Anyways, yeah I was feeling this constant anxiety again and I knew that was bad. Although being a mum obviously comes with stressful times, Ella-Grace always keeps me busy so that actually helped because I would have no time to overthink all the little things that my anxiety brain was pestering me with (thanks for keeping mama sane baby girl, kisses!) Then Reece comes home, Ella-Grace goes down to sleep and I start to get very anxious, evening/night is always the worst for my anxiety in my experience. Night time equals overthinking time. I started to overthink about all the things I had to do: tidy and clean flat, have a bath, write articles ect. or the main thing my anxiety tackles now: my mothering ability. Which is crazy since I just posed a blog post about how I know I am a good mum but that is just the thing, anxiety is NOT your friend and makes you think irrational things which get you very down. Anyways all this lead me to be very anxious. I haven't been this way with my anxiety since way before I was even pregnant with Ella-Grace apart from baby blues but even that was different to just my anxiety playing up. So this almost felt like a test. Would I resort back to the dangerous ways I used to do to deal with my anxiety or would I keep strong and deal with these feelings healthily. Thankfully I am proud to say I kept strong and dealt with these mini breakdowns well. IMPROVEMENT YAY! In no way does this mean it was easy but I got through it.
So when I was overthinking yes there were tears, yes I had to just sit and breathe through it some nights not getting the things done I would need to get done. But I was dealing with it and coping. Reece could also tell obviously that I was having a tough time but he knew I was doing okay so it was all good.
Then the first major panic attack hit and that was the real test.
First big panic attack..
When I used to have panic attacks I would pace, cry and hyperventilate.. and that was a minor one! As for big ones, OMG! I would not wish that on anyone. It feels like everything bad that could possibly happen to you is going to happen to you in that moment (impending doom) and you just can't function! So as I said how would I deal with a major panic attack now after all this time. Well I found out, unfortunately it had to be on my birthday.
So anyone who knows me (Reece tells me all the time haha) I am a bit of a control-freak and I love routine and planning. But when your 21st rolls around so things aren't the normal routine and surprise celebrations are happening meaning I didn't know about it or could prepare, my anxiety was bound to be a bit wobbly. I mean I loved it, surprise party was amazing and I am so grateful! But my anxiety brain, no no no she does not like!
It was the morning of my birthday. Reece and Ella-Grace woke me up and gave me gifts and cards. I had breakfast and had a bath, things started off happy and chipper like a birthday especially your 21st should be. But then it changed.
My hair and make up didn't look how I wanted and for some reason Reece and family were trying to convince me to get dressed up (now I understand it was for the party but at the time I thought we were just going to my mums so I said no and was getting frustrated). Getting more and more stressed now I started to have a panic attack. Saying things like "Why is everyone trying to get me to dress up", "I have no time to change now", "Everything is going wrong", "I look ugly, "I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone", "Worst Birthday Ever!". All these things of course not true and writing that now makes me cringe and I feel so guilty I ever said those things. Poor Reece had gone to so much effort to make my birthday morning happy and (unknown to me) plan a surprise party and here was me having a panic attack and snapping at him. Must be hard to deal with for him too. I am so grateful and never take anything for granted but when your in that negative head space, it just feels like the end of the world. I am just lucky Reece understands to just let me get it out my system and that I am actually really grateful.
I tried to cheer myself up and make happy memories by getting pictures of me and Ella-Grace but my anxiety kept telling me I looked dreadful. Although I eventually cheered up, the party was great and the amazing fiance Reece is he sneakily packed an outfit for me to wear (honestly adore him) that birthday will still be tainted. That's the thing about anxiety is ruins even the best times. Focusing on the good parts helps and I aim to stay positive but it does bug me, I wish I could of just you know NOT had a freak out.
And the second panic attack...
A few days after my birthday Reece had planned for the three of us to have our first family trip down to Newcastle! It was an overall fun trip but of course anxiety had to show her face and my 2nd major panic attack of that month took place.
It was our second evening in Newcastle and after a bit of shopping we thought we would take Ella-Grace back to the hotel room for a nap and I could quickly get changed (into the new outfit I just bought) for my birthday meal that we were going to that night. We had heaps of time so we were also going to go to the museum. A great plan right? Not when anxiety is involved.
Makeup looked good, Ella-Grace was napping. All was well. But then my outfit didn't fit and all I had with me was what I was wearing (which Ella-Grace had managed to make a mess of) and a casual shirt that I brought with me (which was nice but we were going to a fancy restaurant and for once I wanted to be able to dress up and look nice). Reece being the calm and rational person he is simply suggested "Why don't we just go back into town now and you can pick another outfit, get changed and we can carry on with our plans?" Great idea, but I was already having a panic attack. "I can never look nice", "You and Ella-Grace should go without me", "I've ruined the holiday", "We have no time now!" All these things I was ranting at Reece for about an hour, pacing the hotel room. Getting upset just thinking about it. Reece went to all the trouble to plan our first family trip and here was me having a panic attack over an outfit and although I know I can't help it and Reece understands I feel like I must be so hard to be with.
-Had to stop writing got too upset. Reece reassured me I am not a terrible fiance. Now I'm back-
Anyway, after freaking out for an hour and a half I forced myself to go into town but now only time to go to the shops for half an hour before our meal. I ended up doing exactly what Reece suggested in the first place.. ugh! So frustrating!
Of course we had a lovely time but again my anxiety tainted the experience and left us with less time to do the things we wanted to do. It really is a struggle sometimes and I really wish I could just snap myself out of these panic attacks but unfortunately I can't.
It was our second evening in Newcastle and after a bit of shopping we thought we would take Ella-Grace back to the hotel room for a nap and I could quickly get changed (into the new outfit I just bought) for my birthday meal that we were going to that night. We had heaps of time so we were also going to go to the museum. A great plan right? Not when anxiety is involved.
Makeup looked good, Ella-Grace was napping. All was well. But then my outfit didn't fit and all I had with me was what I was wearing (which Ella-Grace had managed to make a mess of) and a casual shirt that I brought with me (which was nice but we were going to a fancy restaurant and for once I wanted to be able to dress up and look nice). Reece being the calm and rational person he is simply suggested "Why don't we just go back into town now and you can pick another outfit, get changed and we can carry on with our plans?" Great idea, but I was already having a panic attack. "I can never look nice", "You and Ella-Grace should go without me", "I've ruined the holiday", "We have no time now!" All these things I was ranting at Reece for about an hour, pacing the hotel room. Getting upset just thinking about it. Reece went to all the trouble to plan our first family trip and here was me having a panic attack over an outfit and although I know I can't help it and Reece understands I feel like I must be so hard to be with.
-Had to stop writing got too upset. Reece reassured me I am not a terrible fiance. Now I'm back-
Anyway, after freaking out for an hour and a half I forced myself to go into town but now only time to go to the shops for half an hour before our meal. I ended up doing exactly what Reece suggested in the first place.. ugh! So frustrating!
Of course we had a lovely time but again my anxiety tainted the experience and left us with less time to do the things we wanted to do. It really is a struggle sometimes and I really wish I could just snap myself out of these panic attacks but unfortunately I can't.
Improved but not perfect...
I am proud of myself because I did not resort back to the dangerous ways I used to deal with my anxiety. Although waiting out my panic attacks can mean I am feeling anxious for longer, when it is over I feel so much better instead of feeling better for 5 minutes followed by more anxiety.
I still have a long way to go and I am going to meet with my doctor to discuss these panic attacks soon as I do want to improve more. I hate some of the things I say when I am incredibly anxious ad I wouldn't want Ella-Grace to hear me say anything negative. I want to be her role model and by fighting my demons I hope that is what I am being.
But focusing on the positive I am proud of how far I have come and if I am ever feeling anxious when it is just me and Ella-Grace I am proud of the fact I can just fight through and put on a smile for my little girl, being her mum is top priority and I know even with my anxiety I AM doing a good job (can tell I am not anxious right now or I would be saying the opposite haha). Staying positive, staying strong and I will get there eventually.
Positive for September...
Not letting my August breakdowns keep me down, I am looking into September with a positive mindset. Yes I am sure I will be anxious (it doesn't go away) but I will get through it and things will only get better! So far I haven't had any anxiety or panic attacks so that's a good start! Ella-Grace turns 6 months old this month, that is amazing! She definitely keeps me going and the support I receive from my darling Reece is amazing, so lucky to have this little family! Happy September hopefully!!
-Proof-reading this as I finished it the other day and I just had a panic attack. But still positive! Try again tomorrow!-
I'm happy you don't get it...
To the people who think I am being dramatic or attention-seeking. The people who don't understand. Good! I am so happy you don't understand I would never wish the feeling of a panic attack or major anxiety on anyone because it is horrendous! But please respect those who do deal with it because trust me it is real even if it is not your reality.
Advice...
For those who do relate and are maybe going through a tough time with anxiety, panic attacks, depression or another mental health issue. You are strong and will get through this tough time! From my personal experience this is my advice.. 1. Seek help from your doctor. This is scary I know but they are there to help and see this more often than you think. They can put you in contact with groups or therapists that could help you. All totally optional of course but please just reach out. 2. Make sure the people around you are positive and don't make you feel worse. You need a good support system in place. If they give you negative vibes and refuse to change to help your recovery, I am sorry but cut them out your life! You need to be happy and healthy and some people unfortunately can be toxic to that. and lastly 3. STAY POSITIVE! Yes its cliche and easier said than done- I have the most wonderful little human in my life and even I struggle to stay positive but looking at her little smile gives me hope and keeps me strong- it is possible. Find the something that makes you happy, positive and gives you a glimmer of hope and cling to it. Whether it be a person, an animal, a hobby or an object. Positive is key. Your presence in this world is important, never forget that!!
Till next time...
And the rant is over! That feels like a massive weight off my shoulders! Thank you for reading as usual, I hope you enjoyed reading my anxiety update. Until my next blog post why not read my latest article (link below) and don't forget to follow my social media for updates on my life/lots of cute baby pics! (links on homepage). How was your August? Stressful or Chilled out? Comment below.
Stay Happy Everyone :)!
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