Mum Truths: Baby Blues

Time to talk about it....

(Above photo I was having major baby blues but adoring my baby girl at the same time so I posted it with a happy caption on Instagram, just shows how people can put on a front)

Hi readers and welcome back to my blog! I hope you all enjoyed the first instalment of 'Mum Truths' and if you haven't read it yet why not give it a read after this one and give me some feedback. So last time I spoke about my experience of breastfeeding and how its going thus far (will probably have to write another one as its all changed this past week) and now for this 'Mum Truths' you will be reading the experience I have had on baby blues, this is one that when I was pregnant I had heard of but most of the time the topic had been brushed away I had no idea quite how intense and awful baby blues can be. Maybe it was worse for me because I already suffer from a disorder or maybe its this way for everyone and it's just not spoken about (which it should be) I don't know but anyway this was my reality. Enjoy the read and comment below your experience I would love to know.

Anxiety and Panic Disorder...

Before I even touch on baby blues I must briefly explain some issues I had prior to baby, anxiety and panic disorder to be exact. For as long as I can remember I have had constant anxiety about things, to start with thinking everyone had this but no one spoke about it until I got diagnosed after having a series of scary panic attacks, major anxiety and high blood pressure about 2 years ago. Many people suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and everyone is different but for me the best way I can explain it is I have a constant stress or worry about things that shouldn't need a lot of overthinking and often this can lead to a feeling of what the doctor described as 'impending doom'- like everything is going wrong and I struggle to function, I usually end up pacing, crying and hyperventilating (this being when I cant control them which is rare now thank goodness). I'm not going to go into too much detail about this as I am going to do a separate blog post on it but that is the basic facts you need to know that might contribute to my experience of baby blues.

A rollercoaster of emotions....

So having a baby is a rollercoaster of emotions, one minute your baby is sleeping in your arms and your on this massive loving high then the next minute your baby is crying and you cant figure out what's wrong bringing you down very low. It can be a vicious cycle but at the same time amazing as any parent will tell you I'm sure.
So when my daughter was born and at 1am we were wheeled through to the ward I was full of adrenaline and love, she was a calm little darling who latched on moments after birth and we spent that entire night/early hours of the morning cuddling and bonding it was a magical, happy time and that initial bond I am so thankful for as that is what got me through the baby blues. My heart goes out to the mothers who struggle to find a bond, if you are one of those mums or dads don't worry that bond will come! With this amazing instant bond between us my journey into motherhood definitely started on a major high but as most major high feelings go it came crashing down throughout the second day/night of Ella-Grace's life (this is touched on in my last blog post). Ella-Grace started crying more due to my milk not coming in straight away and her having a bit of tummy trouble (apparently common for C-section babies) and being a first time mum on no sleep, in pain from the surgery and to top it all off having anxiety and panic disorder- baby blues hit me hard on that second day.
Having to deal with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life though I was quite good at putting on a front when my parents came to visit ignoring the sad feelings I was having, holding back tears and just focusing on how amazing my little girl was but with my main support (Reece) being at work for the entire day when they took Ella-Grace for her checks and the midwife tried to help me get out of bed, to the shower and back for the first time the pain and overwhelming blanket of sadness was too much and I cried in my bed for a while until the midwife came back with my little bundle of joy who I looked at and just cried more because I felt like I was doing wrong by her. 'What are your crying for you have a beautiful baby girl?' 'Your being stupid' 'You can't have a breakdown, your a mum' all these thoughts that I now know are wrong were going through my head and at the time they felt like very valid points. After again crying when Reece came to visit that night I tried to push it down again thinking its just cause I'm not at home I will feel completely better when I'm home right? If only.

Home but not happy... 

Tuesday 21st March 2017: Time to go home! Fighting through my anxiety I was excited to go home telling myself being at home would make me more relaxed and it seemed to be working... then the complications started. That morning I had asked the doctor to give me at least an hours notice before I had to leave because my parents lived an hour away and they were taking me home to which the doctor replied no problem, you wont be out till about 4pm anyways. So the day was passing Ella-Grace and I had passed our checks (my temperature was a bit high but they said it wasn't anything to worry about) my friend Charleigh and her mum came to visit at 2pm thinking they could stay with me until I had to go... "You can leave in 10 minutes" WHAT??? 2pm, 2 hours before I told my parents I would be out and the doctor said they needed the bed for someone else so I had to leave in 10 minutes to which I obviously said my parents wouldn't be here till 4pm, so they told me to go to the waiting room. Now the staff I had through my whole Labour and Delivery were amazing but the fact that my baby was 2 days old, I was a new mum and I was being basically forced out of my bed to the waiting room was a shock and made me a nervous wreck. Luckily my friend and her mum watched Ella-Grace as I got dressed and then helped me move all the stuff (which was a lot!) to the waiting room. About an hour came and went, my friend and her mum went home and I was alone in the waiting room just me and my new baby, thankfully sleeping. For that entire hour after I felt unbelievably stressed, not in my own environment and in a room now with no help I was very anxious and just about managed to keep it together until my parents came. Again I know this isn't the staffs fault, if they need a bed they need a bed but two days after having a baby, your sore and emotional being rushed out and thrown about 10 000 leaflets that you are expected to read like NOW, it wasn't the happy, calm trip home I had envisioned and only added to my anxiety.
Finally home as much as I loved my family and appreciated all my parents had done for me I really wanted them to go, I felt overwhelmed with the whole stress of the way home and needed to be by myself to wind down and wait for Reece to get home. So they left and I basically cried, ALOT! Luckily Reece came home an hour later and had to literally put me in bed I was so exhausted and the amazing Dad he is he totally took over looking after Ella-Grace for the night. THIS. This right here is why I love him, he knows exactly what I need when I'm anxious and although to start with I felt like a bad mum for just going to sleep and not spending time with my baby I know now that if I had not let Reece take over (which was amazing bonding for them anyway) I may still be feeling baby blues and major anxiety today, I needed to recharge my batteries.

Oh no its 5pm...
So the next morning I felt great! I'd slept, I was home with my beautiful daughter and amazing fiancé, yes I was very sore from the C-section (thank goodness for pain killers) but I had a feeling of I could do this! The day came and went, it started to approach 5pm and my anxiety settled in, I was looking down at my daughter and PANIC! 'I'm a bad mum' 'I cant do this' 'Everything is so different and scary' All these thoughts going through my head, leading to a panic attack.
These feelings of baby blues had caused me to regress back to when my anxiety was bad and I again like all those years before was starting to have panic attacks every night for about two weeks! and as amazing it was bonding with Ella-Grace those first two weeks it was a struggle having a constant voice in my head saying I wasn't good enough for my baby and almost scared of her crying incase I couldn't deal with it. But I got through it.

How I got through it...
So luckily I now (8 weeks postpartum) am over the baby blues, I still deal with a lot of anxiety obviously but I have it under control thankfully, I know how lucky I am to be in this position as others aren't so fortunate. Key to me getting through it was the intense bond I have with my child (again very thankful that we bonded immediately), the support I had from my amazing partner/family and also KEY to getting through baby blues and first time mum fears in my opinion is pushing yourself to do what your scared of. I could of had all the support in the world and trust me, anything I needed Reece was willing to help but until you push yourself to do what your scared of anxiety and fear will hold you down. So are you scared to take your baby on the bus- go on the bus, scared to go to the shop with your baby- go to the shop and you will realise its not as scary as you have built it up in your head and if it doesn't go well that's okay you can try again when your ready. Do, do this with support though I would suggest and take small steps first like local shop before going to a busy shopping centre for example that's just my advice anyway if anyone was needing any. And this coming from someone who constantly battles with high anxiety and panic attacks on top of the baby blues I was feeling if I got through it so can you, believe in yourself.

Now...
So that's pretty much everything up to this point. It is currently 21:53, Ella-Grace is in bed, Reece is playing the PlayStation and I'm on here finishing this blog post off for you lovely people. Baby blues is tough but it DOES pass, yes I still stress I had a panic attack literally yesterday when Ella-Grace was away to get her injections but you know what she is fine now fast asleep at home and I am also fine, I am happy and I ADORE being a mum. And with that we have come to the end of the blog post I hope you enjoyed reading it and as usual I hope this helped someone out there feeling like baby blues will never end, it will and you are amazing!! Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Mum Truths: Breastfeeding

The first instalment....
Hi readers! Welcome back to my blog, this is the first of hopefully many 'Mum Truths'. In this blog post I'm going to be speaking about the reality of breastfeeding, my experience anyways. The things you don't get told, the things you do and the things you don't realise until your actually the one with the new born latched onto you. I hope this brings comfort and a sense of relief to other mums who might be going through the same stuff and even if your situation with your child is or was completely different here is an honest experience from one mum to hopefully many others who are trying their best. So before I start, to all you mums out there- Your doing great!! Enjoy the blog!

Breast or Bottle...
So to be clear I am pretty much exclusively breastfeeding (at the moment) with a bottle of formula in the afternoon and occasionally in the night. This I have been told is called combined feeding or combination feeding.
When I found out I was pregnant I was sure I was going to ONLY breastfeed! 'Breast is best' 'Its the natural thing to do' everyone said from strangers to health professionals which is not wrong, this opinion I agree with breastmilk is made for the baby of course its good for them maybe even it is best for them but in no way does that mean its easy to do or that bottle feeding/combined feeding should be negatively looked upon. Not knowing about combined feeding, hearing how terrible formula was for your baby (untrue) and being so keen to breastfeed my naïve prgnant brain thought it will be easy right? No. Although luckily I have not had as big a problem as some others have had it is far from easy and comes with challenges as any mother would know who has breastfed. Now being a mum I can see that everything to do with parenting comes with challenges- breastfeeding, bottle feeding, sleeping, bathing ect. - and we as mums and dads are just trying our best to be the best parents we can be, so to all those parents judging other parents for bottle feeding or judging that mum for breast feeding in public, just stop. We all need to support each other and realise we are all doing our very best no matter what choices we make or opinions we have we all have one thing in common, we love our children.  Breast vs Bottle debate resolved now back to my experience.

Latched on straight away but then...
After my beautiful daughter Ella-Grace was born and we got to recovery I was lucky enough for her to latch on automatically! Hearing how much other mothers have struggled with this (hold my hands up to you ladies I don't know how you did it) I am very thankful I didn't have that problem! So yeah she latched on straight away and the first night we had together was a relaxing yet surreal night I will never forget. Things seemed to be going well that entire night and most of the second day, then the night came and things got stressful. Not having slept in about 48 hours I was tired and very emotional, obviously to be expected as I just had a baby and as everyone liked to constantly remind me MAJOR SURGERY (this is exactly how people said it to me hahaha) Ella-Grace was still latching but would continue to cry after being fed.
Being in a ward with lots of other mums and mine screaming I felt like I was doing something wrong (sounds silly now but that's how I felt). Reece came to visit us and we were both a crying mess, still to this day I don't know how that didn't scare him away being the first time he'd seen us both since Ella-Grace was born. Anyway so there we were Ella-Grace and I uncontrollably crying and Reece also being a first time parent not really knowing what to do then thankfully the most lovely nurse came in and offered a formula feed as she advised me that my milk may be taking a while to come in. Reece accepted the offer for me and although I had no problem with formula the exhaustion and crazy hormone imbalance convinced me that I was failing at feeding already how was I going to do this!!
Reece had to leave (which only made me more upset) and I was left with the nurse cup feeding my little girl. I felt like a failure. And to this day I wish I knew that nurses name as she really helped me that night- helping me latch Ella-Grace on to get my supply going, leaving the buzzer close and telling me to buzz when ever she got too unsettled, positioning Ella-Grace in her crib in order to help her tummy, giving me advice and continuously checking on me to make sure we were both okay. Although it didn't stop me from being a complete emotional wreck it did help having someone I knew could help me.
I learned 2 important things that night that have stuck in my head.
1. The second night is always the hardest. I got told this by the midwife and several other mums, the first night your full of adrenaline then the second night the responsibility, exhaustion and hormones hit you and stress is at an all time high. But guess what? The second night ends and the next day begins.
2. Almost all babies have at least one cup feed in hospital. I was not a failure because of a little bit of formula and neither of course is any other mum that has to have their baby cup fed. It was at this point I decided to combine feed with a bottle in evening as it gave me peace on mind knowing that if she wouldn't/couldn't take from my breast at least she would be used to formula. This being a good decision given my situation at the moment which I will get into soon.

Back home and the first month...
The third day after I had Ella-Grace we were sent home! Nervous about being a mum and looking after her but looking forward to being in my own environment we set off home. That first night at home Reece really came to my rescue I was so exhausted and emotional I could not function properly. I feel guilty even saying that as I am not the priority, the baby is but as they say you cant look after someone else unless you look after yourself so that's what I had to do. Reece, my hero took Ella-Grace for a few hours and bottle fed her so I could sleep so when I got up after my first proper sleep in days there he was bottles sterilised and baby fed and fast asleep, if your reading this babe that really helped. An amazing dad from the start! So after this and up to now I have been combination feeding with no more than two bottles a day usually just the one in the afternoon. And apart from the normal breast feeding problems (sore nipples, constant feeding and soaking through breastpads ALL THE TIME) breastfeeding has been going well! Until about two weeks ago when a problem cropped up which might change the routine we have gotten so comfortable with.

Lactose intolerant...
Ella-Grace is now 6 weeks old and about 2 weeks ago she started to projectile vomit up all her milk, mostly after her formula but also after my breast milk. I spoke to my mum and the heath visitor about it and we came to the conclusion that she was lactose intolerant as I was as a baby. For those who don't know Lactose is a type of glucose that is in dairy products and I think (not a medical professional so don't quote me on this) there is some in breast milk but not a lot, and this is what my baby girl is allergic to. This means we had to switch to a lacto-free formula and I am now on a dairy free diet, originally I tried to cut down thinking it might help her grow out of it but she was still a bit sick so I have just boycott it entirely. So for the last two weeks after cutting that out and switching formula we haven't had any problems but today, the exact day I am writing this ironically, she has started to projectile vomit after breastmilk but not formula? Even though |I have cut out dairy? So that's the next challenge I am on and that is as far as my breastfeeding reality goes thus far.

Recap...
So to recap on my experience.. Latched straight away, breast milk production delayed, cup-feed leading to combination feeding, good few weeks of breastfeeding, lactose allergy appeared and now only processing formula. I have the health visitor again this week so hopefully find out the problem but who knows maybe breastfeeding will work out but maybe I might have to just feed her the formula which is something I never thought I would do because of the whole 'Breast is best' which I used to be so sure of but you know what things change and all babies are different and sometimes breast isn't best, what's best is whatever your baby needs/wants and as long as they are being fed that's what matters! So there it is my first 'Mum truths' blog post I hope you all enjoyed it thanks so much for reading and Ella-Grace if in the future you read this thanks for sleeping the entire time I typed it out haha. And again for all you expectant mums, new mums, experienced mums and not to forget the lovely dads your all doing a great job!!

Next time...
My next 'Mum Truths' will be on the topic of baby blues which will also include me talking a bit about my anxiety and panic disorder which obviously had a bit of a part to play in my baby blues and experience of becoming a new mum. I hope you will all be back to read it and that it might help someone going through similar things- as I always say that's the aim of my blogs, to remind people they are not alone and make a difference in this world we all call home.

And remember Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Mum Truths: Introduction

A month gone already!...

Hello readers! Well its been a month since my beautiful daughter was born and what a crazy month it has been. It has been full of emotions and bonding, learning to be a mum trying to do my best everyday as I'm sure all new mums know. I have been a bit distracted from the blog as you would expect with a new born but Ella-Grace is finally getting into a routine now so I'm now getting back into my regular blogging (hopefully) with this new series of blog posts which I am calling Mum Truths.

Be prepared for TMI...
Over the past month I have learned so much, some stuff I never expected about being a mum- things no one tells you. Through this I have decided to every week as I learn more about being a mum I am going to write some 'mum truths'- honest, no filter reality on mum life. From baby blues to breastfeeding I am going to be writing about my experiences with all these things. TMI to be expected.

Suggestions welcome...
I came up with this idea as I have had amazing feedback from mums saying they like the honesty in my blogs and it has made them feel normal about what they are going through. This was always my aim, to make people feel good and not alone in their journeys. So keeping this in mind if any of my readers are going through a certain thing as mum and would like me to write about how I deal with it (obviously only if I've dealt with it, I still have a lot to come I'm sure) I will be more than happy to do that. And for my readers who are not parents I hope you enjoy anyways and don't worry I do have other lifestyle blog posts that I am working on that will hopefully be up soon!

See you soon...
So that's all just a quick update to let you know what I will be posting soon, the first 'Mum Truths' blog will be up soon! Thanks again for all the support and feedback!

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

A Promise to my Daughter.

"If not me, who? If not now, when?"
- Emma Watson

I was born a girl because of this reason certain things were expected of me by society and the ideas I used to have on the world and my place in it was dependant on this minor detail of myself.
For a lot of my school years I thought what I wore had to be appealing to boys, to be worthy I had to have a boyfriend, wearing revealing clothing was "un-lady like' and meant I would not be respected. I used to think that some jobs were just for boys and as a girl my career opportunities were limited and because I was a female I had to act dumb, cause no one likes a confident, smart girl. As I grew up thankfully I saw my true potential was based on more than the gender roles that were pushed on me and since I've been very vocal on equal rights to make sure no one else feels this way but unfortunately this is still a reality in many schools, equality does not seem to be part of the 'curriculum'.

The word 'Feminism' usually has people running for the hills shouting things like 'man hater' but for me the word brings hope and invokes passion (To clarify by 'Feminism' I am talking about equal rights of BOTH genders-male and female- as the definition states). This being a term I never knew of in school but learned in college opening my mind to a whole new world of possibilities, helping me gain confidence in myself and changing me for life. As I said earlier I started to live my life and think of myself differently through my knowledge of equal rights. I fought back to any discrimination I felt I faced and empowered others to do the same, sometimes sticking up for equal rights can cause conflict or people to think your 'too senstitive' but the sense of confidence I had gained meant that I could logically retaliate to any tension, this being one of my qualities I am actually quite proud of . I often think if only I could speak to my 13/14 year old self and tell her what I know now, tell her to be confident, be empowered, don't accept sexism but unfortunately I can't. But I can or better yet we can help the future generation.

Recently I went through a life changing event, I had a baby. A daughter. A little girl who will grow in society the same as I did right? Wrong. I want her to view herself and her place in the world differently to how I did, I want her to feel strong, independent throughout her life and be treated equally without having to fight for it. So to hopefully make this happen this is my promise to my daughter and I encourage others to uphold a similar promise to their daughters and sons making for a better future because as I quoted at the beginning "If not now, when?"

My darling daughter,
I promise you that you will always know that you are unconditionally loved and valued through everything.
I promise to encourage you to be independent, dream big and break glass ceilings.
I promise to fight your corner if ever someone does you an injustice.
I promise to teach you how you should be treated and in turn how you should treat others.
I promise to educate you in your rights and that discrimination will not be tolerated.
I promise to tell you to be yourself not to conform to what society says a girl should be. 
I promise to let you make your own decisions and help you spread your wings.
I promise to give you advice when needed and leave you be when you want to work things out yourself.
I promise to show you the importance of valuing yourself based on what you think not what others think.
I promise to promote equal rights in my day to day life hopefully making a more equal society.
And above all I promise to  try and be the best mum and person I can be for you my sweetheart.
Through these promises in your life I hope you will always know that you can do anything and that your value is not based on your gender. I hope these promises empower you and that I can be the strong role model you need.

I know promises can be hard to keep, being a mum can be difficult and what my daughter will face in the world is out of my control but if I educate her in equal rights and encourage others to do the same things might change..
the future generation might be more equal.. boys feeling free to be sensitive... girls not being judged on their looks or on what they wear... equal pay... no gender roles..... more specifically maybe my little girl will be more confident in herself.. maybe if someone tells her she 'runs like a girl' she will think that's great... maybe she will see her career options as vast and not selective.... or if all she gained from these promises was a nagging mum telling her to always fight for what is right I would be okay with that, cause at least she would have this knowledge. That is so important.

A bit different to what I usually write but I was feeling inspired by my little girl and what I wish for her future, I hope you all enjoyed it and if you have a daughter or a son, I hope after reading this it reminds you to not only teach your children about equality but to also uphold this in your own day to day life. Change starts with you readers, make a difference! Thanks for reading!

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

The Birth of Ella-Grace. (Labor and Delivery Story)

Baby is sleeping which means time to... blog?

Hello readers, thank you for being patient! The last time I wrote I was part way through being induced with no sign of baby girl arriving any soon and now here I am just put my beautiful daughter down for a nap, I should probably be sleeping but thought it was the perfect chance to at least start writing my labour and delivery story while its fresh in my mind. It was a bit of a crazy one!

Induction process continued...
So last I updated you it was Friday night and labour seemed a long time away as my body was making no changes. Fair to say that changed quickly! Saturday morning wasn't very eventful, I got up, washed my face and brushed my teeth then went to see Reece and my parents in the little café until it was time to be examined (24 hours since they put the peccary on my cervix), nervous but excited I awaited 1pm. 1pm came and went and eventually someone came to check my cervix and.... still 0cm dilated. I almost cried, this baby was never going to get here is how it felt. I was officially the eternally pregnant woman of Aberdeen. I know this sounds silly as the induction process is bound to take a while but with Reece having to go back to work on Monday and me being stuck in a hospital room seeing other women come and go, at the time it just feels that way or did for me anyway.
The nurse told me that in 6 hours they would put in my first Pitocin tablet (a stronger medication that would hopefully move things along!) Disappointed I went again to the café to see my parents, Reece already by my side my mood was far from happy, this process felt never ending! Trying to cheer me up my parents suggested going for a walk as this might help things going so the four of us went for a walk round the hospital.
6 hours passed and the nurse inserted the Pitocin tablet, 6 more hours later (around 2am) it would be time to check it again, I wasn't expecting much but to my surprise.. 1CM!!! I WAS 1CM dilated!! 2am and here I am messaging everyone I know letting them know my progress, it felt like I'd come so far! Another Pitocin tablet was inserted and now another 6 hour wait, hopeful that this would be the last step before labour I forced myself to get some sleep. My baby girl would be here soon!!
Through my happiness of being 1cm dilated though I was concerned as the babies heart kept dropping on the monitor hence why I was stuck on that machine a lot of the time. Although the doctors said it was okay and not a major problem, I couldn't help but have this horrible niggle in my head that something was wrong which later on I was to learn was correct.

Well that escalated quickly...
Again 6 hours had past this now being about 11am. Reece held my hand as my cervix was again checked we were hopeful for a big change.. 1cm and a half. This was so frustrating because 2cm was all I needed to get to in order have my waters broken. The doctor who examined me said that they were going to try and break my waters but it would be difficult, at this point I was so done with waiting so agreed to let them try. Luckily by half 11 there was a space on the labour ward for me to go and get my waters broken, heart in my throat Reece and I nervously went to our newly assigned room with my proud parents taking pictures of us on the way, finally in the labour ward!!
As my midwife went over the process of breaking my waters and starting the oxytocin drip I couldn't help but be distracted by the screaming of the woman next door to me.. if I wasn't nervous before I was now. I was always planning on going through labour on only gas and air now doubting my ability, would I be that screaming woman in a few hours. I had to shove my lunch down through my nerves as this would be all I could eat for the next who knows how many long.
Gas and Air at the ready, the midwife was ready to break my waters. After a few tries she managed to break into the membrane thus starting my waters breaking. After this my oxytocin drip was put in and things started to pick up fast!

Contractions and Pain Relief...
For those who have never had a baby I would love to be able to let you know what contractions feel like but I cant, the closest thing to it for me anyways is period pains that get worse and worse but even that cant prepare you for it.. not meaning to scare you don't worry you can get through it, your body knows what its doing!
As for pain relief there is obviously many options but for me I had been adamant from the start that I would be only using Gas and Air- this also known as nitrogen oxide, not a pain killer but a very good distraction from pain because it basically makes you feel drunk. I chose this method of pain relief for 2 reasons:
1. I am very stubborn when it comes to people helping me, I want to be able to do things myself for as long as I can and
2. Obviously throughout my pregnancy and induction there seemed to be a problem with baby's heart and a lot of the pain relief (particularly morphine) can slow down baby's hear which usually is safe enough but with the uncertainty on the condition on baby's heart I didn't want to take that chance.

So as my contractions picked up I breathed through them with my gas and air.  My mum and Reece laughing at me between contractions as the gas and air was making me giggle. Contraction. Break. Contraction. Break. This went on for about 7/8 hours with the contractions getting stronger and stronger and thanks to the support of Reece, mum and the midwife, gas and air making me laugh, Beyoncé in the background playing and my stubborn personality I managed to get through it! I like to think I could of continued this way up until I had to push but I didn't get that far as things took a turn.

Baby's Heart Rate Dropping...
Hours were passing and even though I was dealing with contractions as best as I could, with each labour pain baby girl's heartrate was dropping then going back then dropping. Doctors and midwives coming in and out to discuss the issue I couldn't help but worry. To find out what the problem was they tried to take blood from baby's head but I was barely over 2cm dilated so this was not manageable. It was now a guessing game and a decision had to be made whether to continue or have an emergency C-section- this being the situation I had dreaded and through all my hard-work was reluctant to get but baby was all that mattered so when the doctor asked what I wanted I didn't even hesitate to say C-section.

The wait...
Still having strong contractions, my oxytocin drip was detached hoping to stop my contractions before the C-section. My body had other ideas and naturally continued to contract right up until the C-section began. Anyway when the drip was switched off I was told another woman had been taken for a section so I would have at least an hours wait until it was my turn. I wasn't really keeping up with the time but I swear it felt longer than an hour! In and out of contractions different specialists came in to go over the risks of C-section, what could happen if baby isn't okay and how they would assess her downs syndrome risk. As a person obsessed with knowing every detail I had to get things repeated to me as my pain was blocking out the information. Reece knowing me so well he knew what my questions would be before I even needed to ask, so he got all the information I needed. With my contractions still going strong and baby's heartrate still continuing to drop I said bye to my mum, then Reece and I started to walk (well I was wheeled in my bed) to the theatre.

Hello Ella-Grace...
Being strong up to this point, the gas and air was wearing off, I was still getting contractions and Reece had to leave to get changed into scrubs I started to cry. Worried for the welfare of baby girl and without Reece by my side I started to get overwhelmed. Thank goodness for the amazing staff I had performing the spinal block and C-section on me, never in a million years did I think I would be calm in this situation let alone be able to laugh. For this I have high praise of the NHS staff of which were assigned to me.
Reece back in the room now, he was sat by my side holding my hand. All checks done, now numb from the waist down the surgeons started and told us in about 10-15 minutes we would see our baby girl. Reece and I anxiously waited for what felt like forever and to our relief, baby girl let out a massive cry. And so Ella-Grace was born (6 pounds 10 1/2 ounces, Time: 21.57, 19th March 2017). The best moment ever.
We found out at this moment that the chord had been wrapped round not only her neck but BOTH of her legs as well! This being the reason  her heart was dropping, making me even more proud of the decision I made to have a C-section or the situation may have been very different and we wouldn't of had her in our arms moments after birth. The doctor also checked for signs of down syndrome and nothing, even though we didn't mind either way this made us happy as it would then be unlikely she would have other complications. And FINALLY after all the checking I told the midwife to let Reece hold her next to me, I knew it would be an amazing moment for him to hold her first and I just loved looking at the two of them together. My entire world right in front of me, I got Reece's phone and started to take pictures and videos of this special moment.
Around 45 minutes later Reece went again to get changed and Ella and I got wheeled to recovery. My beautiful daughter in my arms, this was a surreal moment.

Thank you for reading...
So that's the story of how our beautiful daughter: Ella-Grace, came into the world. Thank you to my friends, family,NHS staff and as always my AMAZING fiancé also now father of our child for all the support! I am very lucky! I hope everyone that read this has enjoyed it and found it interesting. I will continue to blog about my recovery/early days of being a mum but little Ella takes up a lot of time and attention so please be patient. As always I have been truthful throughout my blog and do remember that all this is my experience and my opinion (for example pain relief) if you decide to do different I totally respect you. Well that's Ella-Grace waking up for a feed  now so I better end this here. Happy Mothers day for tomorrow for all the mothers out there I know I'm looking forward to it being my first of many and for any expectant mothers don't be scared of labour you can do this!

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Induction: Early Stages

A Quick Update!

And let the Induction process begin! Hello readers, thank you for coming back to my blog people who have been before and if this is your first time here HEY hope you will enjoy reading. So currently 11.30pm, baby’s heartrate just checked (all looking good) and I am unable to get back to sleep. Good job I have my Queen B playlist and blog to keep me busy through this sleepless night.

So, since I can’t sleep or when I do manage to drift off I end up being woken up by nurses for checks I thought it would be the perfect time to write a quick update on what’s going on. At about 7am this morning I woke up and made some toast for me and Reece, riddled with nerves and excitement we ate our toast and got ready for the day. My parents who were driving us to the hospital left their house (which is an hour away) at 9am to come and pick us up, I phoned the hospital to ask what time they would like me to come in to which they responded with 11.30 am. YAY felt like baby girl was finally going to be here even though I know inductions can be lengthy at least it was a start. My parents arrived at around 10 am and we decided since we had time to kill we would go over the road for a cooked breakfast and a chat, my dad chill as usual and my mum beaming with excitement. Reece and I still feeling the same as we were earlier, excited, and nervous. Breakfast finished we headed to the hospital and got checked into the ward, Reece accompanying me to the ward and my parents waiting in the café until we could go out and meet them.

For anyone that is interested to know my birthing partners are obviously my fiancé, Reece, and my mum. So, they had decided to swap sitting with me in the induction as only one person is allowed in the induction ward with you (9am till 9pm) unless you go out to the lounge or café. This all things I learned today for the first time as it is my first baby, just relaying the information for all my readers who maybe have not had this experience before. Now checked in there was a lot of waiting, as there would be in a hospital it was quite busy. Surrounded by women who were all in pain and from what I could tell progressing a lot faster than I was, I expected this to make me more nervous but weirdly it made me less nervous knowing all these women were in the same boat as me and we would all have to go through a similar pain... don’t know if anyone else felt this way when they were in the hospital but that’s how I felt. I tried to take comfort from the other women’s pain instead of fear. Around 12.30pm the baby’s heartrate was checked along with my blood pressure- all fine- then my cervix was examined. Dilated 0… ugh. I expected this but still it’s disappointing, I just want my baby girl here! The midwife then inserted a pessary which she said would be in place for 24 hours unless I go into labour before this time. Here is hoping that it helps me dilate at least a little, 1cm and I would be ecstatic! The midwife informed me that I had to lie on my side for half an hour to which then I thought it was meant that she would come back to check but she didn’t so I ended up waiting for almost 2 hours just to find out she didn’t need to check on me and I could have gone for a walk. What an idiot I felt like haha oh well. So, I got dressed being careful not to dislodge the pessary and Reece and I went for a walk to meet my anxious parents who had probably had 5 + cups of tea/ coffee by now out of boredom.

An hour or two past, I had had a hot chocolate and gone for a walk to try get things going. Nothing yet. Went back to the ward to ask if we were okay to get a Chinese with my parents (Dad’s treat woo!) and eat it in the sitting area to which they were more than happy for us to do. After eating more Chinese food than I’d like to admit Reece and I went back to the ward to get baby’s heart rate checked again, all fine! Then midwife gave us the all clear to go for another wonder, back to the café we went! Time now being around half 6/7pm.

Reece, my parent’s, and I sat and chatted until about half 8 at which time I was shattered and had to be getting back to the ward anyways before they had to leave and go home. So, I said goodbye to my mum and dad until tomorrow and Reece came back with me to the ward to help me settle in before he had to leave.

Blankets now on my bed, teeth brushed, face washed, movie on and pyjamas looked out it was now time for Reece to go home until the morning. Cue floods of tears. I’m perfectly capable of spending time away from Reece but hormones kicked in and I don’t know it was just so nice having him near like a comfort blanket, damn love is weird makes you an emotional wreck. He dried my tears and gave me a cuddle then off he went for some well-deserved sleep. Miss him so much, roll on 9am!!

Now in my pyjamas, I watched the rest of the movie (Finding Dory btw) and tried to get some sleep. I got about an hour before being woken up for checks and that brings me to right now.

So, that’s the update! Not very interesting so far, aside from a few period type pains it was just a day of waiting around and replying to anxious messages from friends and family so sorry about that but my feedback from readers have praised my truthfulness and that’s the truth: Induction (to my experience so far anyway) is slow, slow and slow some more. A lot of waiting and checking and cups of tea... so much tea!!! I hope you enjoyed this quick update not sure when I will be able to post again as I’m hoping baby girl makes her appearance very soon and the next post I will be writing about will be my birth experience and introducing baby girl to the blog. Might take a while to get done as I’m sure baby girl will occupy my every waking moment but WATCH THIS SPACE! I will get there! Thanks for reading, feedback is always welcome! Till next time!

Stay Happy Everyone J! 

My Pregnancy Journey. (Part 3)

The Last leg of the Journey...
Welcome back readers! Thank you so much for reading this far, I hope you have all enjoyed reading about my journey just as much as I have enjoyed writing about it. An emotional rollercoaster pregnancy I have had but wouldn't change it for the world, I just can't to have baby girl in my arms finally! So to recap, the last two blog posts covered finding out I was pregnant to around 20 weeks pregnant (go read if you would like to catch up before reading this part!). In this final pregnancy blog post I will be writing about the last 20+ weeks of pregnancy and what me and my partner experienced during this time. Like life is, these weeks had its ups and downs but HEY we are still here going strong and looking forward to bringing our baby girl into the world by the end of this week (Induction scheduled for tomorrow woo!).

Scans, scans and more scans...
Weekly scans now, checking up on that hole in the heart and keeping track of baby girl's anatomy. I would like to take this moment to thank the doctor we had in the hospital for these weekly checks, since we had quite a bad experience at the first scan we really appreciated the way this doctor was with me especially. Helped me keep calm through my nerves. So a few scans had past each seemed to be a bit more reassuring than the other as baby girl's anatomy had been growing as normal and the hole in the heart although still present seemed to be getting smaller, healing hopefully.
For people that may not know when they are checking the heart on a ultrasound scan carefully they can put on a setting which shows the direction of the blood flow through the heart, in turn being able to see if the blood is going in and out of the right chambers/crossing over properly etc. (excuse my lack of medical terminology, it has been a while since I did my biology exam) So yeah checking this each time we had a scan it was a relief for us seeing that everything seemed normal and the hole had not caused miss-direction of blood flow as if this happened it could have been a completely different and fatal problem, we feel very lucky to have experienced this as we know some parents and their babies aren't that lucky unfortunately.
So between 25-30 weeks (cant remember exactly what week sorry) the doctor gave us the all clear to begin growth scans instead of anatomy scans, YAY! The baby's hole in the heart seemed to have healed but the doctor did let us know that scans can only be so accurate and baby girl may require to have a scan on her heart when she is born as well as other tests to check for down syndrome since she was high risk and also blood was to be taken from her umbilical chord due to my blood being O-negative, this though we had been told was easy to treat through medication and only a problem if our blood mixed. I feel I should mention there are other signs in the scan that can indicate down syndrome but none were found, these signs only being present in 50% of babies who have down syndrome so even though they weren't found in our scan she was still classed as high risk hence the extra after birth checks she will be having.
The checks after birth were not a worry for us, of course its not ideal no one wants their baby to have to undergo lots of tests you just want to cuddle them and protect them but we were just so happy that she was looking healthy enough to actually get to the birth part it could have been so much worse. We were so happy for the three of us, things were looking up!

Stressful events over yet?...
So I think it would be worth mentioning that while we were getting the weekly scans and obviously our biggest concerns were the baby and her health other big decisions and stressful events had occurred making things just that bit more difficult. I wont go into to much detail as I could take up a whole other blog post but here are the significant parts. Reece and I had some trouble with our new landlord, as nice as he was he was not ready to let go of his house and we felt more like the house was just that a house not a home, not the best when you are going to bring a baby into the world. We found ourselves missing the previous two bedroom flat we had, it was so much better for us for so many reasons (better landlords, more homely, we were free to decorate, better area, more shops, could actually get signal on our phones.. just to name a few reasons). Thankfully we were able to get our old flat back in the end and the landlords even agreed to take the rent down because they the same as us missed having us occupy the flat, so much to thank our landlords for its unreal! Life is so much easier when you have a great relationship with your landlords!
Another thing we had decided to do due to the baby and moving AGAIN was postpone our wedding (originally meant to be this year now going to be next year). This being difficult for us as we had a lot of it planned out already and we really wanted to be married but at the same time love is love no matter the circumstances and we didn't need a bit of paper to show us that we loved each other, I'd like to think anyone who met us could see that we were head over heals for each other. We knew we could get married whenever, the main focus was making a good home for the three of us and making sure baby girl had everything she needed before anything else. So that was that moving again and wedding postponed two very big decisions that happened at the same time as the constant scans checking on baby, lots of worry but we got through it! End of the stressful events right? Unfortunately no.
So by 34 weeks we had, had one other growth scan which went fine, nothing to report our baby girl was beautiful and healthy. But then we got the second growth scan accompanied by an appointment with the consultant and they found what was written in my notes as a red flag. Baby girl's estimated weight was on the small side as well as her femur bones measuring significantly smaller than her weeks. The sonographer kept her cool making us feel like it was not a big deal but her concern must of been shown in the notes as when we went up to the consultant she felt the need to remind us that we had a 1 in 5 risk with no invasive testing being done. I said I was aware of this and she nodded, circled "Small femur measurement" and left the room. I already knew what was meant by this but Reece was confused. While she was out the room I explained to Reece that a sign of downs syndrome being present was small estimated weight (her being 4 pounds when she was meant to be 5 1/2 pounds +) and also a short femur measurement, I knew this through the endless amount of googling I had done on pregnancy and down syndrome signs. Although many people tell
me not to google things or that its a bad idea I find it keeps my anxiety at bay being informed on everything and anything I could be. The consultant came back in and said that she had consulted with other doctors and they had agreed that it is not a massive worry at the moment but that it was something that they wanted to pay extra attention to in the next scan, subtly letting us know that it was a sign that they would look out for by again saying 'your baby is 1 in 5 of downs and at 20 years old this is very rare'. We left the scan happy to see our baby again but now worried about her more than ever, comforting each other with a tight grip of  each other's hand the whole way home and that night for the first time it was Reece that needed comforting. More than happy to return the strength he had given me over the years we spoke about everything, cuddled in bed with our little life and eventually we drifted off to sleep.

The final weeks...
Following this scan I had a midwife appointment, this being the third or fourth different midwife I'd actually seen due to all the moving and delayed appointments because of the switch of practice. The final midwife I had and still have now was lovely and bubbly but at this appointment I got a very serious tone from her setting alarm bells off. After all the normal checks, she asked 'are you nervous since you are 1 in 5 of downs?' and to that I answered not really, I'm excited and keeping positive. The midwife heard this and seemed to be very surprised '1 in 5 of down syndrome, so young, this is very rare.. I don't want you going into hospital unprepared for what might happen'. To the midwife's defence I think she meant this in the nicest way possible and was just trying to warn/prepare me for the checks and possible lengthy hospital stay ahead but I felt so anxious in that moment right there, a sudden feeling of oh my goodness my baby is so ill everything is going wrong! I smiled when I left but as soon as I was gone I was on the phone to Reece overwhelmed.
Luckily I had learnt over time how to keep my anxiety at bay and avoid full blown panic attacks but I do have a tendency to get a bit obsessive when over thinking so when I got home at the end of the day I spent hours searching everything on downs syndrome birth experiences and other mothers stories but unfortunately no amount of social media posts, blogs, YouTube videos, google searches or inspiring stories could stop me from worrying!
Since this appointment slowly I started to get less anxious and more content with the situation and again Reece and I were more excited than worried. With every strong kick in the ribs I got being a reminder that she was okay. I could almost here a little voice along with each kick saying 'Mum, Dad I'm fine in here! Stop worrying'.  Weeks passed heartbeat looked strong, each scan even though estimated weight being small there was still significant growth so the consultant went from alarmed to accepting she was just a small baby and her femur bone length could just be a result of me being smaller height than average. Finally all positive news! The first time Reece and I had felt like a run of the mill, no problem pregnancy rather than the HIGH RISK PREGNANCY of such a young couple. Baby girl was so close to being here now (I say 6 days overdue still no baby in my arms haha!)

Good times are here...

So from 37 weeks onward things were just getting better! My maternity pay had started finally after being delayed, we had prepared everything for baby girl, had an amazing pregnancy photoshoot thanks to my talented sister, baby showers (yes multiple, I have the best people in my life) and to top it all off Reece FINALLY landed a job he had wanted after a year of gaining experience.. this meaning more money for us as a family and an overall pretty perfect life, everything coming together all we had to do was wait for this baby girl to get here! Little did we know we would still be waiting at 41 weeks.. maybe I should of ate more spicy food who knows (old wives tales ah the disappointment they bring haha)! And that's it the end of my pregnancy journey, on the blog anyways I personally still have a possible few days left of carrying baby girl.

That's all folks...
For those of you who actually made it to the end of this blog post, sorry I know it was a long one but didn't want to miss any detail, thank you so much for reading and I hope you have enjoyed reading my journey. My pregnancy has been above all memorable and certainly worth while, I am beyond ready for baby girl to be here and hopefully she will be here before the week is out if the induction goes successfully tomorrow (Wish me luck!!). I would like to thank my fiancé, friends and family for supporting me I am blessed with some amazing people in my life and can't wait for you all to meet little one. Till next time everyone, thanks again hope to be introducing baby girl to you all soon!
Stay Happy Everyone :) !