Q&A

Crazy week...

Well readers, this week has been very busy! I've obviously been doing the job of a stay at home home, looking after my beautiful Ella-Grace (who is badly teething at the moment ahh!). I have also just accepted a  writing job with the website 'Baby GaGa' - that i can do from home, what. a. dream! On top of all that I have been feeling really ill but despite all this I still wanted to post my weekly blog post!
So, I have now finished my first article, I thought I would use this free time to work on a little blog post, a Q & A.
Thanks to everyone who sent in questions I hope I answer them well enough for you, here they are!

Q&A...

1. What is the best part of pregnancy?

There is a lot of great things about pregnancy so I don't know how I am going to pick the best part! A few that are definitely some of the best things are: Feeling Kicks, The glow you get and the whole idea of carrying life. The glow you get I didn't really see till I actually gave birth to Ella-Grace when I  or even some of my friends look back at pictures when I was pregnant I looked so glamorous in some pictures and feel like my bump gave me more body confidence, I wanted to show it off. 
As for the kicks and the carrying life, that goes hand in hand. It is the purest, most natural experience: nothing like it. And to know you are giving this life to the world, someone you will raise to make a positive difference on the world is amazing. The greatest gift. 


2. What is the worst part of pregnancy?

There are also (like the previous question) a lot of negative things about pregnancy. Morning sickness, emergency situations and baby blues. Morning sickness for me was horrendous. 

Morning sickness- this is just horrible! So much worse than normal sickness, I suffered from it not only at the start of pregnancy but at the end also! And as you have probably heard before or if you have been pregnant before you would already know... it does not just hit in the morning... its all day. 

Emergency situations- Pregnancy and birth is a scary and dangerous thing so emergencies can happen. With my labor and delivery being very stressful and turning into emergency where I could of lost my little girl if a wrong decision was made, that is definitely one of the worst parts. The scare you get in emergency situations. You'd think I would say contractions or pain but no the scare of emergency and the risk is definitely worse- although the recovery from a c-section and all the injections are other things that weren't so fun. 

(Not to scare you away from pregnancy, it is a very safe process and nowadays mother and baby are usually both happy and healthy. It is the best experience in the world would do it again any day) 


3. Will you be having more babies?

I would like to point out the person that asked this actually said 'are you going to be having more adorable babies?' Thank you reader for the compliment! Reece and I have been back and forth with this one, one minute thinking we would love to just be a family of 3 but then the next minute thinking we want 1 or 2 more children in the future. 
After Ella-Grace was born I got the contraceptive implant which lasts 3 years (definitely knew we did not want any more children for a while) and we have decided- maybe- that after the implant runs out depending on our financial and living situation (as we like in a 2 bedroom flat now and would like to have a house before we have another baby) we will then try for another baby. 
This is obviously not set in stone so don't be surprised if we do not have another baby around that time, that is just the idea at the moment.  


4. Have you and Reece become closer since having Ella-Grace? Or has the stress of a new baby caused more arguments?

For this question I needed to consult Reece and we both thought the same thing. Since having Ella-Grace we love each other more than we ever thought we could as we are parents of a beautiful baby girl and that is a very special bond, it has re-enforced our strong relationship which we are thankful for as I know some couples struggle when they become parents, some even breaking up. 
As for arguments I wouldn't say we argue more but we argue about different things and if there is a particular night one of us is extremely tired their can be a bit of a tiff but nothing we can't get past. 
There is some tips I might have to keeping your relationship strong after baby, but I will leave that for another blog post (keep an eye out for it!). 


5. Would you take childcare advice from someone without children?

Personally, I am very stubborn and don't really like taking advice from anyone I like to figure it out myself and be the one giving the advice usually haha. But that does not mean I am rude or not open to hearing advice and this is from ANYONE. I don't mind if you give me advice if you don't have children yourself, maybe you have worked with children? Have small children in your family just not your own or even just read a tip on the internet. I am always willing to listen to anyone. Where I draw the line is if the 'advice' is putting me down as a mum (an insult) or put across as something I have to do rather than something I could try. I think it is important to respect one another's ability to look after your own children and give advice in a positive, helpful way. But yeah to answer the question properly, it wouldn't even cross my mind whether or not to take advice from someone if they did not have children of their own. As long as they are nice that's what matters. 

6. How do you feel about people calling their pets their babies? 

Great! I would do the same if I had a pet. Nothing wrong with this at all in my opinion. pets are important parts of peoples lives just like children and when you look after them they do feel like your babies. I find this lovely in fact as animals are so pure and deserve all the respect and love us humans demand. 

7. What age do you think is the right time to get pregnant? 

In general, I don't think there is a right age. Just whenever people feel ready in their lives- if they ever do- that is the right time for them. There should be no discrimination as I always say we need to be nice and support each other no matter of if you are a teen mum or older mother. 
For me personally I always wanted to be a young mother, don't know why really? Just always have and I would never change it for the world. 

8. What movies could you watch over and over again, and still love? 

Shrek. Despicable Me. Matilda. Any Leonardo DiCaprio Movie (especially Wolf of Wall Street) 

9. What was your dream job when you were younger? 

Singer or Author. Now singing I more do in my spare time (mostly in the shower haha) and Author is still a dream of mine if I ever finish writing a novel. 

10. Is there anything that makes you think "what was I thinking?" when you look back on life? If so what? 

Certain outfits or make up looks I have done. Old Facebook posts. 

11. What 3 things could you not live without?

I take it by things this does not mean people so I think I would choose 1. Ella-Grace's Photo Album  2. Books 3. My phone . (If the question was referring to non-material things Equal rights and Love would be top of that list!) 

12. Who was the first person you told you were pregnant? 

Reece. I whatsapped him a picture of the test but he didn't know what the lines meant so I had to type 'I'M PREGNANT!!' 

13. What's your favorite show to binge watch? 

Pretty Little Liars, Skins or American Horror Story (depending on my mood). I also love Criminal Minds. 

14. How has your life changed since having Ella-Grace? 

It has changed everything. Turned my world upside down in the best way. I am never bored, always busy and so much happier. Yes, it comes with added stress as being a parent is a big responsibility but it is the best thing in the world. I have a little girl, my best friend for life. Because of Ella-Grace as well she has encouraged me to pursue my dream as a writer to make her proud. She has enriched my life so much. 


15. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 

Not going to write too much for this one as I would like to do a separate blog post on this, but I will say I see myself and my family living in a different location and maybe with another little one. 

Hope you liked it....
Just a quick Q & A for you guys, I hope you enjoyed reading! Let me know anymore questions in the comments or give me your opinion on the things that have been asked.

Don't forget to check out my first article on Babygaga.com '15 Laws That Actually Discriminate Against Pregnant Women' http://www.babygaga.com/15-crazy-laws-that-actually-discriminate-against-pregnant-women/?utm_source=BG-FB-P&utm_medium=Social-Distribution&utm_campaign=BG-FB-P&view=lista

and follow my other social media (which there is links to on my blog page).
Till next time readers!

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

9 Reasons A C-Section isn't the easy option

Its been bugging me....
Welcome regular readers and new comers! Today's blog post is one that has been burning up inside me for a while. As most of you know I had an emergency c-section with my daughter Ella-Grace and many friends and some family members as well have also been through this same experience. This experience of BIRTH and PAIN.. but for some reason there is a false belief in many peoples minds that having a C-Section (Cesarean Section) is 'a -cop out' or the 'easy option'. 'Too posh to push' I hear often. Well I'm here to say that this is very wrong and here are the reasons why.

Not taking away from natural births...
Before I go into these reasons, I would like to point out that in no way am I trying to take away from mothers who have had a natural labor and delivery. I am not saying a c-section is harder, I am just saying that they are different but also equal in difficulty - Equal, not better or worse or harder/easier- I would love to hear about the difficulties of natural labor and I encourage you to comment below this blog I am genuinely curious as my experience was so different. But for this blog I am focusing on the judgement cc-section mums face and I hope anyone reading this who has had a natural/vaginal birth can support this post as I, and every other c-section mum should support yours. As I say in a lot of posts, supporting each other is key, we are all doing our best including with the birth.

What is a C-section...
For those who may not know or want a clearer definition of what a c-section ( cesarean section) is here is the definition taken from the 'NHS Choices' website along with a statistic:

"A Cesarean section, or C-section, is an operation to deliver your baby through a cut made in your tummy and womb.

The cut is usually made across your tummy, just below your bikini line.

A caesarean is a major operation that carries a number of risks, so it's usually only done if it's the safest option for you and your baby.

Around one in every four to five pregnant women in the UK has a Cesarean."

Now for the reasons... 

7 reasons why a C-section isn't the easy option 

1. The after pain
The after pain to any type of childbirth is going to be bad, you just had a baby come out of you in some way- of course your going to be in pain. But for some reason I always hear comments like 'At least you don't have to deal with tearing' or 'You can have sex sooner since it wont hurt'. No, no, no, no and NO! First of all the waiting time for sex is the same as after a vaginal birth (6 weeks I was told) and as for dealing with tearing, HELLO I have a tear, an incision and trust me that pain is very much there when the numbness wears off and it is very painful. I found it so painful in fact that for the first week or two but I'm getting ahead of myself. 

2. The higher and additional risks 
Now I did check this multiple times on websites and with actual medical professionals before I put this down as a reason as of course I didn't want to make a false statement. So as a c-section is a major surgery according to my research there is a higher risk of blood clots, infection, blood loss and death (death being 3X more likely). Additional risks include, paralysis (due to the spinal you have to get before hand), bowel and/or bladder injury and blood transfusion. Personally I wouldn't put increased/additional risk and easier option in the same sentence. 

3. Longer recovery time
After a vaginal birth you obviously also need recovery time but with a c-section there is usually a longer hospital stay and recovery process. I can't speak for the recovery process of a vaginal birth (although I am well aware it would be difficult)  but from my experience of a c-section the recovery process takes a long time and is very painful! Before you even leave the hospital there are things you need to work on including getting feeling back in your legs, standing, walking, getting your catheter out therefore making sure you can go to the bathroom naturally, showering and more, all this before you even take your baby home. On top of this you aren't aloud to walk far, drive at all, have only showers no hot baths and 'don't do too much, relax' this being pretty much impossible when your looking after a new baby and for me this was mostly on my own as Reece had to go back to work and most family live far away. Respect for the single mums out there with no help, how you manage to look after yourself and your baby alone with no help I do not know. 

4. After care
Slightly linking to my last point but valid of being a reason of its own, after care. The after care for a c-section is intense, you have to make sure you take enough pain killers to get you through the day, clean the wound (when dressing is removed), make sure to move around or wear socks that help your circulation (to prevent blood clots) and the worst of it, the 10 injections you have to get following the c-section. I don't know if I am being a baby or if they are this sore for most women but the injection (I think its anti-D but I could be wrong) you have to get is a lot worse than a normal needle. I managed to leave hospital after 2 days so you would think that was the end of the needles but I was told that i either had to inject myself or get Reece to do it, I chose for Reece to do it and oh my goodness, the dread I felt every morning for those 10 days when Reece came to me with the injection was unreal. The  pain of the needle stings all the way through your leg and I would have to sit and wince  in pain for at least 5 mins. 5 mins of a day for 10 days might not sound too bad but when your already dealing with the pain of the c-section, baby blues and looking after a new baby all these things can get on top of you quite easily, those 5 mins of pain which you dread every day just making it worse (obviously I know your better off getting the injection I am just saying it is not pleasant). 

5. Tasks increasingly difficult
Again I did already touch on this but to elaborate, tasks after a major surgery are obviously increasingly difficult or even impossible for at least the first 6 weeks. As I said you can't walk far, drive at all or take hot baths (which I wanted to do as it relax's me so much) and with basic movements such as sitting, standing, turning being extremely painful- even with pain relief- just looking after your new baby can be very difficult not to mention any other tasks you can to do like clean or maybe cook something for yourself. Even the 5 minutes of the day I would have a shower hurt so bad. 

6. Judgement 
Oh the judgement. The judgement you can receive from other people when you tell them you have had a c-section is so dis-heartening and can make you feel like you failed. I was desperate for a natural birth and after having a c-section some people made me feel as though I had failed my body and my child, I had not done what my body was supposed to do. When in actual fact if I had gone down the natural route (because of the situation with Ella-Grace's chord) I don't think I would have her here today. So no, I did not fail- I did exactly what a mother should, did what is best for her baby. My child was saved by a c-section and there is no way I would change my decision. The unnecessary judgement from getting a c-section definitely makes things harder than they need to be.  

7. Emergency
Most c-sections are emergency- as mine was. An emergency c-section isn't an easier option, it is something that can potentially be life saving. I would never choose to be in an emergency situation as it is a highly dangerous and scary event, again showing that a c-section is hard not easy. 

8. VB-AC 
Other than an emergency there are planned sections for many reasons which is not making it an easy option because it is planned, it is something that needs to be done for either the welfare of the mother, the child or both. One reason people might choose a c-section is if they have had one before as it is more difficult to have a VB-AC ( vaginal delivery after cesarean) than a natural birth on its own as the muscles have been ruptured in that area. So if that is what is best for mother and child or even if the mother just feels safer and more comfortable having a planned section that is important- the happier and calmer the mum is the more likely things will turn out okay. Each birth is personal to each mother and no matter what they choose it should not be judged. 

9. Increase chance of PND
When having a c-section there is also an increased chance of having PND (postnatal depression). This being because a lot of mothers can struggle to bond with their child as they maybe didn't get the labor/birth they wanted, they feel they have failed or the judgement that follows. I luckily bonded with Ella-Grace as soon as I seen her but even now there is a part of me that feels like I didn't 'give birth' to her as I never actually pushed her out and I don't know that feeling of giving birth naturally and having my baby put straight on my chest (as you see on one born every minute constantly). I am so happy I had a c-section as I have said, it saved her life and our bond is so strong I wouldn't change anything that happened for the world and I am proud of my labor and delivery. But there are many mothers in the world that really struggle with the fact they had to have a c-section and that is why the chance of PND is increased again making it clear that a c-section is not the easier option. 

Thank you for reading....
That's the end of this blog post I hope you enjoyed reading and if you can think of any other reasons or want to tell me about your c-section experience comment below. Or if you had a vaginal delivery comment about that too, I would love to know the difficulties that comes with that a c-section mother does not experience. No matter what kind of labor and delivery you went through, we should all support each other no matter what. Not to forget the dads out there who are also effected by this and any other ways family's can be started (surrogacy, adoption, IVF). Be kind to each other and I will see you soon readers, I hope this has made you rethink somethings.


Stay Happy Everyone :)!

(I do not own the images below) 

Fed is best.

Another highly requested blog post....
Hello there my readers! I hope you are all doing well! If this is your first time reading one of my blog posts, welcome! Today I am again writing another post that has been requested- my views on bottle vs breast and how you first establish feeding. I did touch on this in my breastfeeding blog post but I have been asked to go more in depth, so that's what I am doing. I hope you enjoy!

Figuring out feeding...
Before I even get into the whole "debate" I was asked by a reader how do you know what to do? When to feed the baby etc? This being something you only really find out when you have a baby - no matter how many parenting for idiot books you read. Being a mum who has now experienced both breast and bottle feeding I can put across how I figured it out as timing, routine etc is different with the two different types of feeding.

Breastfeeding- 
Breastfeeding is 100% on demand. You can try your hardest to time feedings but ultimately the baby is in charge. As far as I am aware from speaking to my midwife and health visitor (but don't quote me I am not a medical professional) you cannot over feed on breast milk and babies can feed every hour or more. Ella-Grace cluster fed, meaning she would be on and off, on and off my breast whenever she was awake. Partly for comfort and obviously because she was hungry. So to answer the question when it comes to breastfeeding you don't really know how much they are getting as you would when measuring a bottle and over-feeding is not possible so the timing and 'knowing what to do' isn't really a thing, you do as the baby demands. This being my knowledge from my experience. If you are worried about whether your baby is getting enough milk though (as I was when I came home from hospital) you can track feeds as well as dirty nappies that way you will get an idea of if your baby is getting enough. The way I did this was through an app on my phone where you would log each dirty nappy and time each feed. If Ella-Grace was feeding for longer than 10 mins and less than 1 hour then pulling away and having dirty nappies following this, I was assured that she was doing well. All babies are different though so as I said you really just have to listen to your baby and don't be scared to ask for help if you need to. The amount of questions I have asked the health visitor I'm surprised her head didn't explode haha.

Bottle feeding- 
Bottle feeding is a lot more scheduled, with set amounts and timings. On the formula tin it has guidelines as to how much your baby should eat and how often depending on their age. Ella-Grace (almost 4 months old) now has 180 mls, every 3-4 hours. I personally do not wake her up from her sleep for a feed every 4 hours, I know some people think you should but Ella-Grace has a good sleeping pattern now. She sleeps through the whole night and I don't want to mess that up and confuse her sleeping pattern by waking her up for a feed. Through the day though, yes she gets fed every 4 hours. You can overfeed on formula and formula fed babies are likely to get worse reflux and trapped wind (from what I can remember the health visitor telling me) so you do have to be careful with timings and not to overfeed your baby when on formula, hence why I feed her no less than 3 hours apart. I also burp her half way through her bottle now as she can struggle burping otherwise.

Again I am not a medical professional and I am NOT trying to tell you how to feed/look after your baby, I was asked to write about how a new mum figures out feeding hence why I am writing this. This is my experience and opinion.

Fed is best...
Referring to the title of this post 'Fed is best'. I decided to title it this instead of 'Breast is best' or Breast vs Bottle' because my belief is that feeding your baby, whether that is breast, bottle or both, that is really what is best and judging anyone based on how they are feeding their baby is no good for anyone, including the baby. So whatever way you feed your baby, well done your doing a great job.

Short recap on my feeding experience...
My last full post on feeding I was exclusively breast feeding Ella-Grace with the occasional bottle night from her Dad. Wow, how things can change. In Ella-Graces 3 month update I mentioned that I am now bottle feeding, no breast. Just before Ella-Grace was 2 months old she was having really bad reflux, which progressed to her not keeping down my breastmilk.. at all! She would feed, spew, feed, spew.. a never ending cycle. We then found out she was lactose intolerant and decided to try her on lacto-free formula which worked wonders, still a bit of reflux but she was keeping her food down. I adored breast feeding Ella-Grace and once I had cut all the dairy out of my diet I tried to wean her back onto the breast but even with all the pumping I did, my milk supply had drastically reduced and Ella-Grace was confused/upset with the lack of milk and switching between two different feeding methods. This is when Reece and I decided, bottle feeding was the way to go. Disappointing for me aas I was very keen to breastfeed Ella-Grace for as long as I could but now we have been bottle feeding Ella-Grace for almost 2 months now I do not regret our decision. It helped Ella-Grace and Reece bond more and to be honest Ella-Grace and myself are 10x calmer and happier, our routine is going well and I think this has been the best decision for our family.

Unnecessary Judgement...
I have touched on this subject in another blog post before so sorry if I am repeating myself but again this was what was requested of me and I am more than happy to oblige.
So to put it plain and simple my opinion on this debate over bottle or breast is-not to be rude but- mind your own business. So sorry if that sounds abrupt but I just think fair enough you have your own opinion on how you think children should be fed but unless someone asks for your opinion, keep that for your children. Don't push it on someone else or make someone else feel bad if their feeding arrangement for their child is different to yours. I have first hand experience in being judged for stopping breastfeeding and I cant explain how much that hurt, I adored breastfeeding and if I could of I would of continued for a very long time but it just wasn't meant to be. I would prefer my baby to be happy and gaining weight on bottle rather than spewing up my breast milk and screaming non stop just because 'breast is best. Don't get me wrong as I have said before my opinion is yes, of course breast milk is best. Your body makes that milk specifically for your baby but that in no way means bottle feeding mums should be judged or called bad mums for choosing that route of feeding. We should all be supporting each other because do you know what really matters? Not how a baby is being fed and whether you view that good or bad but that the baby is just being looked after thats what matters, that we are all trying our best as parents and whether that baby is breast or bottle fed, that baby is loved and with all the awful things that happen in the world and all the rotten things people can do judging fellow mums based on feeding when we are all just trying our best is not only ignorant but so very unkind. Stop this unnecessary judgement, start supporting each other.

So....
So the next time you see a mum bottle feeding their new born instead of judging the fact they are not breastfeeding, go over and say hi- you might make a friend. Next time you see a mum breastfeeding in public and you see people making comments, don't join the snarky remarks-stand up for your fellow mother. Cause we are all just doing the best we can and as someone said to me once, if your worrying whether your doing the right thing, whether you are a good mum or not.. you already are one. Cause at the end of the day no matter how each baby is fed, I can almost guarantee that they will all be so loved and cared for and that right there is what matters.
So stop this silly debate, it shouldn't be a debate. Forget about 'breast vs bottle' and just support each other and spread love, you never know what that mum and baby have been through. Everyone has a different story, we just have to care enough to not judge the cover.

Till next time...
I hope that makes sense, I know I kind of rambled on near the end there. Thanks again for reading and all the support I have received, Why not leave a comment and let me know your feelings on this topic? How do you feed your baby? Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :) !

Recovery is possible: Overcoming anxiety, panic attacks and other mental health issues.

Take a Deep Breath and here I go...

I can't believe I am writing this. For my whole life I have kept this very private, secret even (apart from the minor details) but it is in no way something I or others who experience this should be ashamed of so for that reason I am sharing my story and encourage others to do the same. Let us help each other and fight the stigma of mental illness.
As you can tell by the title of this blog post, today I will be writing about my anxiety and panic disorder as well as other issues that I have experienced through this. Some things I am going to write not even close family know, but I feel now I am of sound mind and my mental health is the best it has ever been it is time to tell my story to hopefully help others and as I have already mentioned, end this silly stigma surrounding mental illness. So here it is, a genuine and candid story of suffering and then recovering from mental illness.

Warning: This post goes into intense detail of my struggles with anxiety, panic attacks and more. If you feel this might upset you this post might not be for you, if this is the case please skip this post and check out one of my other ones that might interest you more. 

Public knowledge... 
I have Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is public knowledge, I was diagnosed 2 years ago (although I have been suffering from it my entire life) and since then have not kept it a secret that I suffer from this and anyone who knows me personally has probably seen me in my bad times or at least had a discussion with me about this. For those who don't know much about Anxiety and Panic Disorder, the best way I can explain it to you from my experience is that I have CONSTANT anxiety and worry about everything, some being rational (this is the normal kind of anxiety) but a lot being irrational (this causing anxiety disorder). Because of this anxiety I have it causes me to have panic attacks, panic attacks for me start of with me being anxious about one thing then it builds up until I have a feeling of impending doom (like something terrible is going to happen) and that there is the peak of the panic attack where I start to either cry, pace, hyperventilate or sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I cant function, I just have to sit down and I can just about breath but that is it. Panic attacks can last for hours, luckily now I know signs and triggers so can easily diffuse one (usually) but a year or so ago it would be so bad I would end up in hospital or I would go to drastic measures to make it stop which brings me to my next point, the secrets.

My secrets are out...
So as I said anxiety and panic attacks are no secret of mine but the way I have dealt with them in the past or just how low I have got through my disorder I have kept secret from pretty much everyone, even family. Reece is the only person who knows everything until now so here it goes.  Since I was about 16 till about the end of 2015 I self-harmed. Just typing that is scary but as I've said these things should not have to be hidden and I refuse to hide it anymore. I don't really know where to start with this I have never told my whole story before to anyone but I'm going to try my best.
I started off light, I would break the blade out of my razor and just do little scratches, just one at first. I cant explain the reason except when you are having such bad anxiety and especially if it turns into a panic attack you will try anything to get it to stop and the best way to do this is distraction. Now I always tried to distract myself in other ways (watching TV, reading etc. ) but sometimes my anxiety, like a little mean voice in my head would take over and the only way I felt like I could shut that voice up and in a way punish myself for being a bad person (this was what my anxiety always convinced me of) was to inflict pain upon myself. And for that split second of pain, that voice would be gone as your mind is too busy focusing on the pain. But that's exactly the problem, it distracts you for a second and when that second is over that's it back to anxiety and panic and now you have the added stress of that little voice going "why did you do that?" "how are you going to hide it?" "Your such an idiot!" "Everyone is going to hate you". In this deep anxiety you can't think straight so your irrational thoughts convince you to cut again, cut deeper, then one cut turns into an arm full until your sitting there in pain, regretting it and by then you have bled and cried so much you just go to sleep. Now this progression from lightly making one scratch to cutting a lot happened gradually to start with but once I moved out and started going on nights out where alcohol was involved (which is a depressant in itself) is when it got really bad. Thankfully Reece stuck by me otherwise I don't know where I would be today.

The darkest time...
Just a warning again before you keep reading. If you cringed at the paragraph before this one or it is making you feel sad STOP READING!! I have written this so people can relate and hopefully myself and others wont feel so alone in this, I do not want hate or to cause anyone any sadness all I want is to tell my story and show others that there is light at the end of the tunnel so if you are here because you want to know there is light then please keep reading. This paragraph as I have said explains the darkest time in my life but it IS followed by recovery!
By 18 years old I had been self-harming on and off for about 2 years and I was now moved in with Reece. We had so many good times in the first flat we had, lots of laughs and fun, I loved living with Reece then and I still do now. But in between all these fun times I always had bad times usually when I was alone in the flat, multiple times Reece would come home to me crying, having a panic attack with cuts on my arms. He has always dealt with it so well so many times I expected him to leave or not be able to deal with it but he always stayed, not only that he looked after me and was always calm.
This again went on for a while, I would have a good, happy few weeks then plummet back down to depression. Then we moved flat to the one we are still in now and in November 2015 I had been signed off work due to being in and out of hospital for my anxiety and panic disorder (this being when I had finally been diagnosed). This was a very low time for me not mentioning the money trouble me and Reece got in due to me not working, I was now getting help for my anxiety and panic attacks in the form of medication and I was on a waiting list for counselling (3 month waiting list....) with all intentions of wanting to get better but then another wave of anxiety and panic happened one night, this worse than I had ever experienced. Reece was meant to be going out that night and I remember lying in bed thinking 'I cant do this' and 'No one cares about me' and then I swallowed a handful of my medication. The medication I was on being one that slows down your heartrate to stop panic attacks was highly dangerous if you took to many so I lay down expecting not to be here the next morning, then I don't remember much. I remember Reece talking to an someone on the phone (he had phoned an ambulance) and I remember the paramedics coming in and helping me down the stairs. I was taken to A&E where they did a number of tests and luckily I had taken enough to lower my blood pressure/heartrate significantly but with close monitoring of my heart over night and a talk with the psychiatrist the next day I was aloud to go home and advised to rest it off and try contacting the counselling again. After this scary incident I am sad to say I did the exact same thing a month later this time my body (thankfully) rejected the tablets and I spewed most of them back up, again meaning with close monitoring over night, a talk with the phychiatrist and my arms being bandaged up (as I had also severely self-harmed) I was again sent home. That being the lowest point of my anxiety but good news it went up from there.

Recovery and how I got there...
Now I know there is probably a lot of readers thinking 'she just did that for attention' and trust me I have heard it all before but do you know what.. YES! Yes I did it for attention but not the kind of attention you are thinking. I didn't want people to feel bad for me or give me sympathy, I wanted HELP! Yes at the time of taking the tablets I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore but part of me deep down wanted someone to save me, someone to help me. I felt like I needed to try to commit suicide so I would be taken to hospital so someone could help me, save me, someone could take away this horrible monster which is anxiety surely that's what happens if you are that depressed you want to die right? Unfortunately with me experience in the hospital/doctors I barely got a simple 'don't worry its going to be okay'.
'Here take some leaflets' 'Take more pills' 'Don't worry your on the waiting list for counselling...oh wait sorry you will have to apply again' this being the kind of things every single medical professional I spoke to said/ did for me. I was literally sitting there begging for them to help me and I would be sent home with a leaflet, more pills (that I had just overdosed on) and a promise that 'a counselor will contact you'. Now I am not bashing the NHS, the NHS is amazing and there are so many talented medical professionals helping/saving people every day but when it comes to Mental Health in my experience it is lacking, I felt worse after seeking help than I did before mainly because I still wasn't getting help after asking for it. At one point I was actually given a number for an organisation that I was told was going to 'help me a lot' if I gave it a call so I plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and to my disappointment the women on the phone told me that they were unable to help me unless I needed a home carer or residential care.. the irony being that I was now working as a carer so the fact that I was being asked if I needed a home carer was almost laughable. I felt so misunderstood and helpless. This is when I decided to change things on my own. I cut out caffiene, lowered my alcohol intake, started seeing friends/family more, reading more, really focusing on my triggers and learning to control them. On top of all this one of the biggest things I did was stop taking my medication- now this was discussed with a doctor and the decision was made to stop taking it as it made me feel worse and gave me the overdose temptation when I felt down, I am NOT recommending stopping your medication without professional help- this really helped me. So slowly but surely I was spending more time with Reece, family and friends, I stopped self-harming, I learned to deal with my anxiety, I recovered, I was happy. Then just as I was feeling my happiest, I found out I was pregnant with Ella-Grace (funny how life works) and since then right through my pregnancy and since having my beautiful baby girl I have been the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes, I have anxious times and yes I have had panic attacks especially when experiencing baby blues (which I have wrote about in my baby blues blog post) but oh my goodness I have never felt better. And being a mum although stressful, it has given me purpose, it has made me so so happy. My baby girl means everything to me and that I would of never had if I succumed to my demons. I am so thankful that I made it through to the otherside, HAPPY!

The people that saved me... 
Although I say I recovered myself really it was the support from so many people that got me through.

My friends:
 I have so many wonderful friends that helped me through my hard times but the two I would like to thank especially is two of my best friends Holly and Ellie, I seen them pretty much every week through my tough times and recovery and the support from them was amazing they reminded me every time I seen them that I was important and they loved me so much, so many nights out through my bad times I remember sitting for hours talking to them about my struggles and they would listen. With most of my friends living out of Aberdeen, having friends I could see often was what I needed. Charleigh and Keely, my two best friends who live out of Aberdeen were also a massive support even though most of the time it was over text, those text conversations were so vital in my recovery.

 


My family: 
My family still do not know to the extent my struggles unless they are reading this now which sounds crazy I know that they are finding out in writing but I have always been better getting things out when I write them than speaking and if that's what is best for me I hope they understand. Anyways even though they did not know a lot about my struggles they were still there, every visit to see my parents distracted me from my struggles and reminded me how much I would hurt these people if I wasn't here, how loved I am by my family is what always kept me strong.

Reece, Reece and Reece again:
WOW. There is nothing else I can say that would be able to explain how much he helped me except he is my hero. He saved me, he is the reason I am here. I can't count the amount of times he let me shout at him for no reason because I was having a panic attack that I couldn't control, he picked me up off the floor after crying so much I passed out, he cleaned and bandaged my cut arms, slept in hospital waiting rooms because he didn't want to leave me or stayed up all night even if he had work the next day because I couldn't sleep because of stress. People say love is dead, this is love. Putting up with every breakdown and never even coming close to breaking his calm vibe, never coming close to leaving. He always stayed. He always cuddled me even when I told him to get off-which I never meant. Everytime I said I don't want to be in this world anymore he would pull me out of that dark place with tears in his eyes telling me how important I am and how loved I was. This is movie love, I owe him my life. Reece if I don't tell you enough I adore you, I love you.

(by my hospital bed all day)

A message to readers....

So that's my story and with a tear in my eye I end it here. Before I finish though I would like to say to anyone struggling with demons as I did, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! I know that can go in one ear and out the other but please please listen to me you are loved, you are important and i know you feel horrible now but I hope my story shows you that it can better! I went from the darkest place, wanting to leave this world to becoming a mother and soon to be wife with a wonderful future ahead of me, I would never of experienced that if I wasn't here, I wouldn't of had my daughter, I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't have a future and I am SO thankful I do. The future is bright I promise. I hope this story encourages you to reach out to a doctor, a family member, a friend or even a pet if that's the only way you can get your feelings out. Even if you write it out like this first. Please, please get help even message me, my Facebook page is tagged on my blog page I will find the time to talk to you. Just don't give up. I will be doing a tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks soon maybe that will help. I know this final message is a bit all over the place but I just really don't want anyone to think they are alone they are not. So yeah I guess I should end this here and as I publish this post I am ready for the judgement, the confusion from family and maybe even some hate. But if there is one soul in that sea of judgement I helped with this post it will have been all worth it. Getting this all out has took a weight off my shoulders also which feels amazing. Leave some feedback in the comments, if your comfortable maybe even tell me about your recovery? Always happy to hear from my readers, till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

 

How to start a blog

Another requested blog post....
Hello again readers! I hope everyone is doing well. When I posted on my social media asking what you guys would like me to write about I was overwhelmed with the response, so I am trying to work my way through each request this bringing me to today's blog post. 'How to start a blog'. This was requested by a reader who wanted to start a blog but didn't know how, I hope this helps. I am going to put down the steps that I went through when starting a blog, you obviously don't have to do them in this order or even this way (I am still new to blogging remember) but this is the way I went about starting 'LauraJane Life'. Enjoy!

Step 1: Research blogs/What do you want to blog about 
When starting a blog most likely you will already have an idea what you want to post: photography, beauty, lifestyle, reviews and more are all things a lot of people choose to blog about. So with me the first step was deciding I wanted to start a blog, knowing I wanted to write about being a new mum, my lifestyle and opinions (basically just an online diary for me to be honest I didn't expect others to like it so much). If you don't really have an idea what you want to blog about then you could always research other blogs for ideas and inspiration. Some people at this point may think of a title for their blog page, I personally didn't until the next step (took me forever) but feel free to do that first. So when you have your idea and know roughly what you want to blog about it's time to move to the next step.

Step 2: What site to use to set up your blog page/setting up your page 
There are multiple different sites you can use to set up your blog page, the two well known and most used ones being Blog spot (being the one I use) and Wordpress. Both these sites as far as I am aware are free, some other sites you may have to pay to set up your blog so be careful when signing up if you do not wish to pay to start your blog, remember to read the t&c. I chose Blog spot after watching a very old video on You Tube of 'Zoella' and 'Sprinkle of Glitter' in which they said they used Blog spot and that it was very simple to use and set up, being a massive fan of 'Zoella' of course I used the same platform as her. But yeah it's been a few months since I started my blog now so I can't remember every detail about setting my blog up but I remember you make an account (email and password) then the website takes you through each step including title, tag line, layout, pictures etc. with very clear instruction. Very simple and quick and obviously I enjoy using this platform so I would recommend this one but feel free to try others I just can't give advice on those, sorry.

Step 3: Write your first blog post 
I decided to write my first blog post before setting it up on social media etc because when I set up my Facebook page I wanted to have a blog post to post with it so it wasn't just a blank page (also I already had an Instagram and I just used the same one for my blog). I personally decided to write an introduction to my blog and myself, I felt this would invite people into my blog page and hopefully make people want to read what would come next (luckily worked for me). But you might want to jump right in and write a blog post about your chosen topic without an introduction, as I've said it is totally up to you this is just how I've done it. So write your blog post- it may take a while as it is your first one- proof read, add labels (words that link to your blog post so if people search one of those words your blog may come up), your location (if you want) and some picture. Preview it then publish! Now you are a blogger!

Step 4: Let people know about your blog through Social Media 
After I posted my first blog post I posted it on my personal blog page, a lot of my friends liked it, shared it and followed my page this prompting me to make an actual Facebook page for my blog which is what I did next (Facebook again gives you a step by step guide in making a page). I then posted this on the Facebook page and then again on my public Instagram. I personally don't have twitter but that would also be another form of social media that you might decide to use to promote your blog. And with any luck your blog will hopefully pick up!

More Tips...

- Hashtags are your best friends: they bring more people to your post therefore more views.
-Blog often (if possible)- the more you blog the more attention your blog gets.
-If you can't blog for a while make sure your readers know, post something on social media to keep them around.
-Writers block? Read other blogs or ask readers for ideas!
-Keep your layout up to date and interesting!
-Promote, promote, promote! Always post your blog posts on your social media, ask your friends to read and share, tell people face to face about your blog! You can also pay for advertisements but that is up to you if you want to start paying for promotion.

And after all this (if your aiming to be a paid blogger) your page will hopefully get enough views for you to be accepted by google adsense-which I just have been yay!- where you can have adverts on your page and the more clicks the more money you get, but that takes time so be patient! As amazing as it is to be paid to blog,  you have to not be blogging just for the money in my opinion, you have to enjoy it that way your readers will to! Your enjoyment will spread to your writing!

Hope that helps....
I hope that helped and if you are going to start a blog please leave a link in the comments or a usual any feedback! Good luck blogging fellow loggers and for those who enjoy being the readers not the writers I hope you continue to enjoy my blogs! Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

Mum Truths: Being a Mum but still being Me

Let me explain...
Hi readers!! I couldn't come up with a title to this blog that I felt explained well enough what I am going to write about so I am going to explain. When you become a mum that is fully what you are 24/7 a mum, everything is about the baby and you are mum. This being one of the biggest honors in the world, being able to be a mother is a privilege but at the same time you still are you, your still a person aside from your baby and sometimes this get's lost and mothers (and fathers I am sure experience this too) can feel guilty when feeling upset that by having a baby they don't feel themselves anymore. This is a feeling a lot of mums get including myself and not something to feel guilty about, so today that is what I am writing about. Keeping your sense of self/identity and having me time.

There is no shame....
Why the guilt? Why the shame? This should not exist. Having a baby is amazing and rewarding and as I said in the previous paragraph being a mother is something to be thankful for as not everyone gets this amazing opportunity. But people must remember that before a mum became a mum, they were just their own person with dreams, hobbies and opinions. All these things are still there when a woman becomes a mum but it can sometimes get lost and its okay to want that sense of self and time to be you away from your baby. In fact in my opinion this shows how much of an amazing mum you are, I myself want to show my daughter my dreams, my opinions and my hobbies. I want to show her that Mummy has a strong sense of self and on top of being your mum has goals of her own. Having a desire to find yourself again after having a baby doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human.

My experience...
I have always valued my independence and my ambitious nature. Since I was younger I have always had goals, dreams that I wanted to reach. Strong opinions and hobbies that I could list for anyone that asked. When I became a mum as much of a gift that was after a few weeks I did realise that I was feeling a bit lost. I adored my baby and being a mum had changed my life for the better definetley but I felt like if someone asked me my hobbies I wouldn't be able to answer or if someone said what's your goals in life I would be stuck for words. My blog really helped me as this was something that was mine but even most of my blog posts are about me as a mum for other mums and sometimes I would go weeks without posting. And as a lot of other mums do, I felt guilty for wanting my sense of self back, felt guilty for wanting to have me time to be that ambitious 20 year old I was and still deep down am.
Even though this was a concern for me to honest until recently I didn't have time to deal with it. Obviously Ella-Grace is my top priority and I was, still am adjusting to being a new mum. Some days I struggled to have a shower while Ella-Grace is napping let alone have some me time and find my identity again.

One step at a time...
The past few weeks as Ella-Grace has gotten a bit more independent (happy to sit or play for a while without my constant attention) and she has been a lot better when she is with Reece when I'm not there, I have managed to fit in me time. I started with just taking long baths which I have always loved to do (especially with a LUSH bathbomb, YES!) then I started to blog a bit more frequently, started exercising again, joined a creative writing class and as of yesterday I have officially applied to do my degree ( English Literature and Creative Writing) through Open University starting in October- this being something I have always aspired to do, get a degree. Obviously I didn't jump from having a long bath to Open University overnight, I had been thinking about applying since I was pregnant I just had lost that ambition being so focused on being the best mum I could be.

Why I don't feel guilty...
I have explained this a bit already but to make it personal to me, I did not feel guilt because I do everything I do not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to show her that you can do anything you put your mind to, you can be a mum and also get a degree (something many people tell you is impossible). I want to show her that you can look after your family and enjoy me time. I want her to know it is okay to think about yourself and that looking after your self physically AND mentally is good for not only yourself but the people you care about to. You can do your best when you are feeling your best and it is okay to make sure of that. A lot of mums and dads reading this might have different ambitions to me, they might not care about a degree and want to stay home with their children which is amazing! My point is you are showing your children that you know who you are, you make your own choices in your life and you look after yourself as well as others. This being a very, very important lesson to children and will in my opinion be key to their confidence and happiness in later life. I want my daughter to have a strong sense of self and never feel guilty about loving and taking care of her own needs, something society seems to make us feel bad about which is why this is so vital.

Hi I am....
So to conclude... Hi, I am LauraJane Bethune (soon to be Webster) I am 20 years old, engaged and have a daughter called Ella-Grace who is 3 months old. My hobbies are reading, writing and socialising. My goals are to get my English Literature and Creative writing degree and hopefully get a well paid job from this, I aim to be a good mum to Ella-Grace (and maybe another baby one day),get married to Reece, hopefully move to Edinburgh one day with my little family, go abroad with Reece and Ella-Grace for the first time and hopefully get rid of some baby weight (although not top on my list). I have strong opinions on equality and feel that my best qualities are being open-minded, kind and ambitious. I struggle with anxiety and can be a bit of a control-freak but I work on this everyday.
That's me and I am thankful I know who I am and as I have already said, I can show my daughter that this is important. I hope all you readers, anyone who might feel a bit lost finds your sense of self soon or even just finds a hobby they can do once a week that is a baby step. Comment below who you are? What are your hobbies, goals or opinions? I love to read your comments and feedback! Till next time readers (which will be very soon, I am super prepared this week haha)

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

One for the Dads. Happy Father's Day!

One for the Dads...

Working Dads, Stay-at-home Dads, Step-Dads, Dads who have adopted, New Dads, Grandads, Great-Grandads, Experienced Dads, Single Dads... To All the Dads in the world; HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! 

The role of a Dad is so vital and in my eyes just as important as the Mum's role but for some reason it often gets over looked or put down, but today it's all about you guys! This one is for all of you great dads in the world, your all doing a great job well done!

The Dads in my life.... 

My Dad... 

My dad is annoying, cheesy and has embarrassed me multiple times but I wouldn't change him for the world. We have had our fair share of arguments (especially when I lived at home) but his strength, confidence and selflessness is something I have always admired. I am lucky enough to have my mum and dad still together (a rare thing nowadays) and I have never seen my Dad treat my Mum with anything but respect and love from this I always knew if I were ever to be in a relationship with someone I knew how I should be treated and how I should treat them, with only respect and love. So when I met Reece and he treated me the same way I had seen my Dad treat my Mum I knew I had a keeper. No matter how much pain my dad is in he will offer to cook you something or carry your bag, no matter how little money he may have he is constantly trying to pay for things for you or make sure you have everything you need. Not to mention his cooking is THE BEST and he is an amazing grandparent to Ella-Grace (even if he can't cope with her crying haha), she loves her Pops! My Dad and I have totally different opinions on things and sometimes he really winds me up but his heart is good and I am lucky to call him Dad. So Dad, Happy Fathers Day sorry I cant be there today but me, Reece and Ella-Grace will see you very soon.

Reece's First Father's Day...

Happy First Father's Day Reece! Since the day I met you, you have respected, loved and empowered me in our relationship and now as our baby girl grows you will- as my dad did- show her how she should be treated and as you have me, you will love and empower her to do what she wants in life, I couldn't ask for a better Dad for our little girl and she just adores you in every way. Everytime you come home from work her little face lights up and it melts my heart! I have no idea how we got so lucky to have you, WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Sorry for the cheesiness readers but I mean every word of it. I have always my independence and never agreed with partners telling each other what to wear, what to do etc. and you have not only empowered my independence but also defended it in situations where people stereotyped our relationship (for example me being only aloud to do something when you tell me to, you would always defend me/back me up and say I make my own decisions). This being something I have always appreciated through out our relationship and what made me fall in love with you, the fact that Ella-Grace has a dad who will empower her independence and encourage her to follow her dreams means so much to me and is all I could ever want for our daughter. I could go on and on about what an amazing person/ dad you are, about how hardworking, kind, funny and what a hands-on dad you are but I would probably write a novel haha. Actions speak louder than words and right at this moment you've not long come home from work and you go straight to Ella-Grace, that says it all.

Why I am who I am....
I owe so much of the person I am today to these two men, so thank you again for being amazing, helping/supporting me and if I haven't said it enough already, Happy Fathers Day!!!

Dads all over the world....
As I said at the start this is to all the Dad's of the world, all shapes, sizes, all different parenting styles. Dad's are so important and so much of the time aren't mentioned unless its a joke about what Dad's do wrong which in my opinion isnt good enough. So today Dad's I'm writing to say Well done for the amazing job your doing not only looking after your children but also supporting your partners or maybe doing it on your own. There are so many different types of Dad's is hard to include them all but to all the different Dad's and all the different parenting styles you may have, Happy Father's Day!

Just a short one....
That's all really, just a quick post for Fathers Day. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Dad or some Dad's may have sadly past so please make sure you say Happy Fathers Day to your Dad, Grandad, Step Dad or Dad's today, also (not to take away from dads but i think this is important to recognise) if you have a single mum, who'd doing it alone make sure you say Happy Fathers day to her too! Thank you for reading, why not leave a little comment telling me about your Dad or what you did for Fathers day this year? Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone:)!