Rough First Trimester! (Second Pregnancy)

Happy New Year Everyone.. 

New Years Day 2019

We are in 2019! Happy New Year Everyone! I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and New Year or even if you didn't that does not mean you cannot have an amazing 2019, I wish all good things for you guys, my lovely readers. 
Reece and I have been so fortunate to of had an amazing 2017 and 2018 with so much amazing things that have happened from Ella-Grace being born and growing into such an amazing toddler to us getting married, moving and more- as you will all know from previous posts. This year, 2019, we will be completing our family with baby 2 which brings me into today's post.  

Another pregnancy post...

Back with another pregnancy post! Most of my readers I know love these and are excited I am writing them again but I am also aware they are not for everyone. So, to those of you who prefer non-pregnancy related blog posts, do not worry! The next post will not be about pregnancy! But this one is so if you are not into pregnancy stories then click away and come back another time...if you are still here I assume you are here for the pregnant content so HI! Thank you for being here to follow me on my pregnancy journey with baby number two (still cannot believe I am saying that) I am so happy to share my experience with all of you. This post will be all about the first trimester (week 1 - week 13 of pregnancy)

- can I just add how weird it is writing about my first trimester now we are in 2019 as it was back in 2018, while writing this I am 19 weeks pregnant so just feels strange backtracking.. know what I mean? Sorry pointless side note back to regular programming- 

and I think it is fair to say that this time around has been tough for many reasons as you will read but once again I do want to stress that I know this is NOTHING compared to what some women have to go through and no matter what I am very grateful for carrying a new life, all obstacles and hardships are worth it. This is just my experience that I want to share with you guys, please know I am grateful and I am very aware that things could be worse. That however does not make it easy. 

So, without keeping you waiting on the edge of your seat any longer here is all the information on my first trimester...

Side note again: Just had a realisation that baby 2 could be reading this in the future! I just want to say I love you and I forgive you for making me so sore and sick hahaha! Just kidding, it's not your fault you were just a tiny fetus. I would go through it all again for you and I love you so much all ready.

4 - 6 weeks pregnant....

Positive test and 5 weeks pregnant on Honeymoon 

The last pregnancy related post that was up on my blog was all about how Reece and I conceived baby number 2 - link here : TTC Journey/LauraJane:Life

I left you all at me taking the pregnancy test (on the 27th September 2018: 4 weeks 3 days pregnant), it being positive and me telling Reece he was going to be a Daddy to two babies! Very exciting times. After this I told my family and close friends and then... oh yeah we were going away on our honeymoon DAYS after we found out (30th September 2018: 4 weeks 6 days pregnant). Felt like such a crazy thing to do when you have just found out your pregnant but hey ho, that is what we did and I know there is nothing dangerous about flying in early pregnancy (that I have been told anyway).

So, 30th September 2018 we set off on our honeymoon to Marmaris, Turkey. 1st October 2018, our first day on our honeymoon, I was 5 weeks pregnant. 

(I am still to share our honeymoon experience and all we did, how I coped with separation anxiety etc so I am not going to go into that in too much detail on here as that is a separate post but just to let you guys know that it is coming. Sorry it is so late.) 

We had an amazing first few days, I missed Ella-Grace beyond belief- again I will be going through that in a separate post- but we did enjoy our first few days on our honeymoon. Eating lots of food, enjoying the sunshine, taking part in loads of excursions (pregnancy safe ones), it was amazing. Then it got to day 4 and the sickness and anxiety set in. We still had 3 days left!  

Reece, bless him he really is the best husband ever. He has been talking about going away with me since we met pretty much, he has been abroad before and loves hot, sunny weather. Knowing I had never been to any other country bar the UK he has always been keen to take me away. It had never worked out for us really and now finally after 6 years together we had the chance to go away not only on holiday but on our honeymoon. Probably the only time we are ever going to go away just the two of us and of course I have terrible morning sickness from pregnancy and anxiety just over half way through our week away. I felt guilty but also knew another baby is what he wanted to so supporting me during the sickness was just something he had to deal with as a part of that. He was an angel and as I was sick in bed in our hotel room, air con blasting to cool me down, he ran to the closest shop to get me some crackers (that being the only thing I could stomach, literally even now just thinking about this time makes me feel sick). 
Now being about 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant I had come to realise that this morning sickness was way worse than last time, foreshadowing the rest of the first trimester. As for anxiety it was a combination of being away from home while feeling very sick and missing Ella-Grace more than words can even describe, making me even look into changing our flights home but it just was not feasible. Tears and sickness aside however we did push through and enjoyed the rest of the honeymoon, mostly by the pool in the hotel so I could still go back to our hotel room if I needed to but it was still so wonderful and we made so many good memories. 

8th October 2018 I was 6 weeks pregnant and we were on our way home from our honeymoon. I do not recommend travelling long distance when experiencing extreme morning sickness it was pretty tough. 9th October 2018 we were back home and reunited with Ella-Grace which made me so happy and cured my separation anxiety but obviously not my pregnancy sickness which kick starts the next set of weeks in the first trimester. 

6 - 9 weeks pregnant...

First sign of little bump and 9 weeks pregnant on Halloween

So as I said 6 weeks pregnant, back from Honeymoon, Reece back to work and me reunited with Ella-Grace which I was extremely happy about but felt horrendously sick and still very on edge and anxious. Mixed emotions. 

Looking back now I think it was a mixture of pregnancy hormones, my forever looming anxiety and all the change in routine (which I DO NOT do well with at all, my anxiety and panic attacks are kept at bay because of routine and planning) that made me feel quite down, not to mention the sickness. On top of that as well because I had just come back I wanted to do so much with Ella-Grace but because of the extent to which I felt sick I felt like I could not do anything and did not want to leave the sofa never mind the house, I did now and again and tried my best to go to the park or on walks but to be 100% honest the TV was my best friend and a lot of those early weeks were spent in our pyjamas on the sofa, So the Mum guilt of course set in as I hate not being active with Ella-Grace and too much TV is a personal pet hate so yeah; sickness, anxiety now add a dash of guilt. That was week 6 and 7 of my second pregnancy in a nutshell and week 8 started out the same except now Ella-Grace was ill too.. nightmare! Struggling with a chest infection and her asthma, our poor baby was having a tough time too. Meaning more time inside, more TV and a very stressed out Mama! I was seeing the TV time affect her behaviour and it was breaking me. These weeks were most definitely tough! Thankfully Halloween gave us a bit of a boost! As I turned 9 weeks pregnant Halloween came around and our little angel had a blast dressed as a bat and I shaved my head once again for charity. The sickness had not gone away but at least these events put my spirits up. Routine was coming back, anxiety was going down slightly and I tried to ignore the sickness and return to normality which was less TV (2 hours a day max), attending groups and sticking to a routine. I may have went a bit over board with this as you will see. 

10 - 13 weeks pregnant 

Ella-Grace seeing scan picture for the first time 

10 weeks pregnant now, into double digits (the date now being 5th November 2018). The exact day I turned 10 weeks pregnant I remember clearly because it was the day I had my booking appointment with the midwife, spent the day with my parents and enjoyed sparklers with Ella-Grace that night for the first time- it was adorable inserting pic below! 

Bonfire Night 2018

All fun and games. The booking appointment went well the only downfall was that it was quite late for a booking appointment. I had phoned just before we left on honeymoon to make the appointment for when we came back and they said that booking appointments were usually between 8 and 10 weeks and my practice obviously only had availability around when I was 10 weeks (With Ella-Grace I think my booking appointment was made for 8 weeks). Fun fact- they actually booked my first appointment for 12 weeks by mistake and I had to phone back to change it because obviously by that point I should be having a scan not a booking appointment but anyways, my booking appointment was later than most which meant my scan would be later. My first scan was booked for after I would turn 13 weeks pregnant. Not a big deal at all but one thing that was really hard for me was keeping the secret that I was pregnant. Most of my close family and friends knew but it was still a secret and a 'taboo' in a way if anyone knew before the first scan. I spoke in my previous pregnancy about how much this stressed me out and how I think no one should be made to feel bad for talking about their pregnancy before they reach 12 weeks or have their first scan. Pregnancy is amazing whether it be 9 days, 9 weeks or 9 months and it should be allowed and socially acceptable to be spoke about at any stage. This being the reason that instead of keeping it a secret from everyone this time round I did almost the opposite and told many close friends and family members pretty much as soon as I knew I was pregnant. Social media is a totally different thing for me personally I just had no interest in announcing it until I knew everything was okay with baby especially after our chemical pregnancy scare when trying but that is just me, I think anyone can announce it whenever they want that was just what we decided.  However if people asked or mentioned anything about pregnancy/ the fact that Reece and I were trying in person I did share the news, I was a lot more open this time and it helped but it still felt taboo to tell people and certain people acted like my pregnancy was a big secret no one could possibly know but that's not what I wanted so it was still a slight stressor. Which is when I learnt that my scan date was a week later than expected it made me kind of sad because I wanted this 'hush, hush' time to be over. I am a talker, I talk about what I am going through and what is happening in my life. Literally it is what I am doing right now by writing my thoughts, feelings and experiences on the internet so yeah I wanted everything to be open and the later scan put a damper on that for me. Sorry that was a large tangent I just wanted to explain, leave a comment if you can relate to what I mean or maybe you kept your pregnancy a secret for much longer? I would love to know either way. 

Anyway, so between 10 and 11 weeks pregnant I was still feeling horrendously sick but powering through with my strict routine in an attempt to control my anxiety and do more with Ella-Grace. This meant lots of groups. Gymnastics, football, dancing, swimming and the occasional drop in toddler group. Ella-Grace loved every one of these classes, especially gymnastics but as week 10 of my pregnancy past and almost to the end of week 11 I started getting severe lower back ache and tummy cramps. Started off minimal but on 17th November 2018 it got really painful and worrying, I phoned the midwife and was told to go straight to the hospital. My heart sank. I phoned Reece and told him he needed to come home from work to be with Ella-Grace while I went to the hospital, I phoned family to tell them the situation and off I went. One of the scariest moments of my life. 

I got to the hospital around 5pm and by this point I was in a lot of pain and feeling very very sick (the sickness was normal by now but the pain was not). Hours later, checked over by a midwife and then a doctor I was admitted to hospital on strong pain killers and anti-sickness tablets. They wanted me to have an early scan the next morning meaning I was being admitted for the night which I was not prepared for. My lovely friend who is also pregnant due very soon, drove to my house to pick up a bag Reece packed for me, went to the shop for some snacks and dropped them off at my hospital room, keeping me company for a little while. It was very sweet of her and I am so thankful. Her company calmed me when I was so worried. 

Keeping everyone updated but now at this point my friend had left and I was very tired I was just going to close my eyes and try to get some rest through my worry then in came a scan technician and told me they could scan me right then and there. 

18th November 2018 at 10pm I saw my second child for the first time via an emergency scan. 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant, almost 2 weeks before my confirmation scan was scheduled, there on the screen was the little life growing inside me and he/she was perfectly happy and healthy (thank goodness!). I was so relived! After checking my wriggly baby they also scanned to check my ovaries (the original fear was that I was experiencing an eptopic pregnancy where the baby attaches in the Fallopian tube but luckily that was not the case) they looked fine too. Baby looked good so at that point I could technically have gone home but with it being so late and being quite sick and sore they told me to stay over night and I would be checked and spoken to in the morning. I sent Reece the picture of the scan, writing, 'Baby 2 is looking great!' at 10.05pm. Needless to say he was also very happy and releaved. . 

After a bad nights sleep due to sickness and pain it was morning and they brought me some breakfast (surprisingly a lot of vegan options which I was happy about) I managed to stomach that thanks to the anti-sickness medication, the first thing I had ate in probably 12 hours. It was after this that I spoke to the doctor and after our chat (about symptoms, my daily life, diet etc) she came to the conclusion that I needed rest. I had been pushing myself too hard especially when I had not really been eating much due to sickness so I really needed to get my energy levels back. I had lost weight (now being under 9 stone due to not being able to eat because of pregnancy sickness) and she said to basically cool it for a while on Ella-Grace's activities, take anti-sickness tablets every day so I could start eating again and be on bed rest for a week. It was good advice and definitely what I needed to get better but the struggles did not stop there and being realistic, when your husband works a lot and you are alone at home with a toddler you cannot really be on bed rest. But I did give myself a break. Anyways so Ella-Grace and Reece came to meet me at the hospital and it was then that Ella-Grace laid eyes on her sibling for the first time (19th Novemebr 2018).

To cheer us up after the big scare, now we knew everything was okay with baby and I was home safe and sound, getting some rest, we announced our second pregnancy on Facebook. Everyone was delighted for us and wished me well. Luckily Reece was off the remainder of that day and managed to get the following day off also to help with Ella-Grace (taking her to her football class) and allow me to at least have two full days of bed rest before he had to return to work. 

The bed rest helped my back ache a lot and it was no longer scarily sore. The anti-sickness tablets were really helping me get my appetite back which was amazing too but the big downfall was they made me extremely drowsy which is not great when you are looking after a toddler by yourself so I had to be careful when I took them. I could take up to 3 doses which I definitely needed so I went for first thing in the morning while Reece was home to help, when Ella-Grace had her nap and just before bed so I could sleep through the drowsiness. They really did help the sickness and helped me and baby as far as nutrients go because I could then eat but the drowsiness was dreadful. I felt so dizzy and faint, I would snap at Reece if he tried to talk to me and I could not get up to play with Ella-Grace while I felt so out of it. I could see Reece getting fed up with me moaning about how the tablets made me feel but I did not care, it was horrible I felt all drugged up 3 separate times in the day and I hated it. Apart from being admitted to hospital this may well have been the absolute worst part of the first trimester, I was at my lowest point. No longer sick but once again I was anxious, tired, emotional, out of routine and FULL of Mum guilt. I was not being the Mum I wanted to be for Ella-Grace and felt she was missing out which was so hard. I knew I was growing her a sibling and I knew I had to get myself back to normal in order to look after her but damn I felt bad. I am usually the hands on Mum, up for playing and thinking of activities and groups to go to. I love learning with her and teaching her things. I had turned into a couch potato who used the TV as a baby sitter (especially in the drowsy times) I felt like I was the worst Mum in the world. Very dramatic and clearly not true but you fellow Mums out there will know, Mum guilt is real and convinces you of crazy things. 

Fast forward to week 13 and it was time for my scheduled scan (which would of been the first scan if we had not needed the emergency scan). Once again everything looked fine and by now I was on the mend. Off bed rest, down to one or no sickness tablets a day and gaining weight like I should be. Heading for the second trimester and SO ready to leave weeks 1-13 of my second pregnancy behind. And that was that, the first trimester.

Thank You For Reading...

And that is the first trimester done and dusted. It was a lot more challenging than my first pregnancy and I had some down times during it as you have read but looking back now I cannot believe how fast it went. I am now, as you are reading this, almost half way through my pregnancy! I cannot wait to meet our second bundle of joy and for Ella-Grace to meet her sibling. I am so lucky to be carrying this little life and although I felt like crap most of the first trimester I would go through it all again for this little life. So excited about this last edition to our family. 

Thank you for reading everyone, it was a long post so well done if you managed to stick around until the end. Comment below how you have found/are finding the first trimester? Or if you are in a totally different boat- for example still trying to conceive, finished having kids, going down a different path such as adoption or not having kids at all/any time soon- comment down below too and lets all have a conversation. I can't wait to hear all your stories just as I hope you have enjoyed reading mine. 

I will have more posts for you soon that I am sure you will not want to miss so keep an eye out for my next post! Follow me on my social media handles (@laurajanelifex on Instagram and LauraJane Life on Facebook). Till next time...

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

A Quick Review of 2018

Last blog post of 2018...

Another year has come and gone, we are now approaching 2019! I feel like people say this whenever a year is coming to an end but I really cannot believe how fast this year has gone! So much has happened, our baby girl turned 1 year old, I got a new writing job, I donated blood, I shaved my head for charity again, we got married, we moved house, we went on our honeymoon, I got to review some amazing shows on my blog and now we are expecting baby number 2! An amazing year indeed, not without it's difficulties of course but over all a great year with memories that will last a life time. 

This will be my last blog post of 2018 but I will be back after the Christmas period to talk about all things pregnancy, motherhood, vegan recipes, mental health, marriage and anything else you guys want me to write about/what pops into my head and I decide to put out on the internet. 

I had so much more I wanted to talk about this year, being sick in the first trimester of this pregnancy really threw off all my writing plans, I am still to talk to you about our honeymoon, the rough patch I went through with my anxiety and my first trimester of pregnancy (I am currently 16 weeks pregnant, almost 17 weeks), I know these posts will interest and help a lot of my readers so they will still be written and posted in 2019. You will just have to excuse the time it took me to finally write about these events, I still want you all to know what went on in the second half of 2018. 

As well as expecting to catch up on my 2018 posts, you can also expect all new things in 2019! Obviously I will continue to talk about my pregnancy and decisions we are making this time around that are different to last time. I am going to write up my full birth plan and share it with my readers. Ella-Grace turns 2 years old in March and you can bet that everything from my emotions to party planning will be shared in a post, not to mention a complete review on Ella-Grace's development. I expect I will take a break from posting in 2019 when baby 2 does arrive but I promise it will not be forever, I will be back with Mummy of two posts as soon as I feel ready. Reece and I will also celebrate our 1 year wedding anniversary so that will also be a topic on Laura-Jane Life come June 2019. As well as all this I will of course be taking requests, although I am backed up on them at the moment I am planning on getting to them all. I hope you will all be joining me on the roller-coaster ride that is life by reading my blog posts in 2019! Thank you all who have read my posts and been a part of this kindness community I am trying to build since the start in 2017 and to anyone who will newly be reading my posts in 2019, welcome to Laura-Jane Life, I am happy to have you here. 

I am rambling on, basically I had a great 2018, I plan to pick up the pace with posts in 2019 and catch up on some posts I know you will all love and I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year! 

Short and sweet (not like me I know haha) but I really need the bathroom- being pregnant again I basically live in there- and as helpful as Hubby is I know he is struggling to do Ella-Grace's hair right now haha he cannot work out how a bobble works, bless him he tries. I am so grateful for the life I have, my friends and family and you wonderful readers. I hope good things come to all of you in 2019 and what I say every year to everyone is remember to spread kindness this next year. It does not cost to be kind and there is nothing more important. 

See you all in 2019, here is my year in review told in my favourite pictures (not in chronological order)....

Stay Happy Everyone and See you all in 2019!

Our TTC Story: Getting Pregnant with Baby #2

The secret is out...

Baby number 2 is on the way and finally I am able to share this with all of you. Now I can finally explain why I have been absent from the blog and why I have had posts 'pending' for a long time because many of them are about pregnancy and baby number 2, and as you will now read, trying to conceive. 

Before getting into this post I do want to say that this is all just my experience, opinions and emotions. I know that talking about TTC (trying to conceive), pregnancy, fertility, babies etc. can be triggering for some people who have had problems or bad experiences so if you feel this may upset you then please do not read or read with someone you trust to support you. Reece and I are very lucky to have our beautiful 20 month old daughter, Ella-Grace and to of conceived baby number 2 very quickly and although this time round TTC and pregnancy has proven to be a bit tougher that is nothing compared to what others go through and we feel so so blessed. I cannot stress that enough, I am so thankful. I just wanted to make that clear before I go into telling the story of our TTC journey. 

I also know that some people may feel uncomfortable with the topic of TTC because of course that involves somewhat talking about intimacy but that is how a baby is made and it is totally natural so I personally do not think it should be a taboo topic. We need to open up about these things and then maybe others will not feel so alone or awkward about their experiences. But if you are one of those people who do not wish to read about TTC and think it could be too much information then once again feel free to click away and you can come back for another post.  

With all that said it's time to get on with the post, starting with deciding to have another baby. Our last baby FOR SURE. 

Deciding to try for baby number 2 (our last child)...

New parents with our tiny Ella-Grace

Now you will have to forgive me for the blurry details, I may have been planning this post for a while but I am just now (13 weeks pregnant) finishing it off and my baby brain makes me forgetful. So after having Ella-Grace, Reece and I were not certain we wanted more children like some couples are. We were at that moment in time very happy with having just Ella-Grace and for all we knew this would be us set up for life when it came to the size of our family. Not ruling out the idea of more children completely but feeling confident that if Ella-Grace was to be the only child we chose to have that, that would be great and we were happy to have an only child. With this in mind around 4 weeks after Ella-Grace was born I got the contraceptive implant put in, feeling confident that we would not want another child (if ever) at least for the next 3 years which is how long the implant can stay in your arm before needing removed or changed. I decided on this form of contraception after a talk with my midwife and doctor about all the options I had and found this worked best for me. I did not have to think about it at all which is a plus for someone like me who has anxiety and would stress about taking tablets daily and it lasted a long time and as I said we were sure we did not want any other kids for a while if at all. I know that the implant can have some bad side effects for some women, in fact I know a lot of people who chose this and I think out of all of us I was the only one who did not have bad side effects so please do not take this as me recommending a course of contraception to you. If you would like advice on contraception please talk to a doctor not take my word for it as I am not a trained professional, this is just my experience. Anyways so yes from when Ella-Grace was 4 weeks old I was on the contraceptive implant lasting 3 years, until we changed our minds.

20 months old, 6 months left as an only child

Now do not get me wrong, I still think there are pros to having just one child. Many people said to me when I shared that we may just be having one child that it was not fair on Ella-Grace and that she would be spoiled and not have anyone to play with etc. This I do not think is true and is, in my opinion, a very judgemental way to look at a situation. There are many only children in the world and I can guarantee not all of them wish they had siblings and many of them are social and not 'spoiled' as people say. There is something truly special I think about putting all your time and energy into one child, that child being the centre of your world. This is what made us think we just wanted one child in the first place, because we just look at Ella-Grace and burst with pride and I loved the thought of everything I had being put in to raising our little angel and only her. Obviously this is not the path we chose to go down but we still believe this would of been great too and anyone who does wish to have one child, good for you, be confident with your decision and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. We however changed our minds, for the following reasons.

36 weeks pregnant with Ella-Grace here 

The first reason being that I really wanted to experience pregnancy again and desperately wanted to have a natural birth. For those of you who have been reading my posts for a while you will know that with Ella-Grace I had an emergency c-section and although I did experience 10 hours of labour with only gas and air, I did not deliver naturally. Which as a woman is something that I am longing to experience. Not every woman does but I do and I think the fact that a woman's body can do that is so magical and although the pain is horrendous I really want to experience a natural birth once in my life. This may not happen obviously, birth is unpredictable and nothing is guaranteed but I am keeping hopeful that I will be able to do this VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I felt the first time around I did not appreciate being pregnant because of how excited I was to meet my first child, I wished it away and hoped that doing it a second time around I would appreciate it a bit more (proving to be harder than I thought but that's a different story). As well as this I know Reece wanted to be able to experience having paternity leave and actually spending some time bonding instead of having to go straight to work as he did for Ella-Grace. Because of a job change paternity leave was not available for Reece and the day after Ella-Grace was born he had to start a new job leaving me a new Mother alone with a new baby after a c-section straight away and Reece, a new dad not getting that bonding time. We both wanted time to get used to being new parents and enjoy our new family unit but never got that so that was definitely something we both thought would be amazing to get out of having another baby.

Another reason we started warming to the idea of having another child is that Ella-Grace is a very social child and loves other children. She is also very gentle with small babies and has not seemed to show any jealousy when I show attention to another child. So, where as some children may not benefit from a sibling or personality may fit being an only child, with Ella-Grace it was almost like she was telling us a sibling would be something she wanted. Obviously she is not really thinking that but we believe she will really rise to the challenge of being a big sister and will benefit. Children change all the time and who knows, she may become a bit more wild and less gentle, she will likely be jealous when baby gets here but in the long term I think in her situation she will love having a sibling. She already cuddles my belly and says 'baby', it is the cutest!

Lastly, we decided we wanted to try for another baby because well, we wanted another baby. I don't know what else to say about it. I have always been very maternal and I just felt in my gut that I was not yet done having children and although Reece at first was not sure he very quickly came to the conclusion that he felt the same and not only that we both automatically knew that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again that this would be our last baby. Being a family of four would be our family unit complete and this time there most definitely would be no changing minds. I know many reading this may say we could 'change our minds again' or 'you never know' but I can confidently say this will be our decision and after baby 2 is born we will be shutting up shop when it comes to baby making. Our reasons for this is a whole other post in itself so if you would like to hear that then please let me know.

So yes, around Ella-Grace's first birthday this conversation of having baby number 2 was opened up and we at first decided to start trying in September 2018, which quickly turned into August 2018 when the only appointment available for my implant removal (just over 1 year after getting it in) was scheduled for 31st July 2018. The reason for deciding to try at this time was so that the wedding was out the way, we were moved into our new home and that hopefully Ella-Grace and baby number 2's birthdays would not be too close together- we conceived Ella-Grace in June 2016.

And so that was the decision made and baby dancing began...

August 2018 (First Month TTC)

Positive Ovulation Test

After getting my implant removed (July 31st 2018) my period started just hours after, which is very lucky as some women don't find that their period return for weeks or months meaning their fertility would not be back to normal, but because mine started straight away we were able to start trying quickly. So after a 5 day period we started 'baby dancing' daily to try and give us the best chance of getting pregnant. Now as fun as 'baby dancing' is, as parents finding the time and energy to 'baby dance' can be tricky especially with Reece working 9 hours most days but we made it work (Ella-Grace sleeping through the night certainly helped). Luckily I was able to roughly track my ovulation using an ovulation calendar and I also used ovulation strips, which you use like a pregnancy test, so I would know exactly when I ovulated. My first positive ovulation test was on the 11th August 2018. We had managed to fit in 'baby dancing' the few days prior, the day of ovulation and few days post, after this we cooled off for a bit as now ovulation had past we were finally in the waiting time. Which is the most annoying and stressful part of TTC, the not knowing and the long wait. For an anxious, control freak like me it was too much to take and I started testing and symptom spotting from 7 DPO (days past ovulation) which now in hindsight was a bad idea. But yeah from everything I had read, every video about TTC I had watched, it seemed like we were guaranteed to get pregnant and obviously when I think get pregnant because I had a smooth pregnancy the first time around I do not worry about anything going wrong.

Symptoms
As the wait went on I felt that I was starting to experience what could be pregnancy symptoms. My breasts were sore, I was feeling sick and more tired than usual.

Testing

First Faint Lines

I started testing as I said at 7 dpo and would test every two days. I became a serial tester and although at the time it felt exciting because I was so sure I was pregnant (based on symptoms and that we tracked ovulation) in hindsight it was a bad idea and I should of waited till closer to the time of my period. The problem is when you have an abundance of strip tests all you want to do is test, test, test especially when you are actively trying for a baby.

So the first few tests looked negative but as they were so early I thought just that, I was testing too early and then around 11 dpo I started to get what looked like a positive strip test. I thought I was imagining things but Reece could see the lines too. No missed period yet of course but I was starting to think I must be pregnant! Nearing when my period is due now and I upgraded from a strip test to a standard test, this showed up positive (I WISH I still had the picture of this test because it was the clearest positive I got but I think I deleted it unfortunately). At this point I was sure I was pregnant.. then I started getting cramps. Thinking nothing of it as I stared at my positive tests. The day before my period was due I went out and bought a clear blue test and that result was not what I had thought or wanted it to be. It was negative. 

Negative result? Confused

After experiencing pregnancy symptoms and getting lines on strip tests and one positive standard pregnancy test I was very confused when the clear blue test came back negative. The next day (the day my period was due) sure enough I got my period. A chemical pregnancy/early miscarriage did not come to mind immediately, I just assumed I was wrong and this was just my period starting. Then after speaking to a close friend who had also seen the tests and experiencing very painful cramps I decided to speak to a doctor. After this chat I came to the conclusion that I may have just gone through a chemical pregnancy.

Chemical Pregnancy 
I did not know how to feel and how to come to terms with the fact that I had gone through a chemical pregnancy. Just as I was beginning to think I was pregnant it was taken away from me yet I was still feeling pregnant (still feeling sick, tired and- the big symptom- I had sore, tender breasts. This symptom was something I had only ever experienced in my first pregnancy and at no other time in my life. It was the biggest sign first time round) but at the same time bleeding? I felt guilty for even caring because others have been through worse and it was so early on was I even pregnant? From what I have learned about chemical pregnancy it is likely that an egg and a sperm did meet in my body but failed to attach to my uterus wall which is why I experienced symptoms and got light positive tests (these tests although consistent barely got darker which is another sign of chemical pregnancy or miscarriage apparently) but then ultimately got my period and got a negative digital. It just was not meant to be this time. It was a hard and confusing time and still to this day I can't really describe how I feel about what happened or how I should feel? Sad, disappointed, guilty and confused. You can probably tell by the quick description of it that I am uncomfortable talking about it, it was a hard time, very confusing but I want others to know that if you think you are experiencing a chemical pregnancy- I get you, I have mixed emotions too. After the bleeding finally stopped, Reece and I tried to pick ourselves up and start again but this time taking a different approach.

September 2018 (Second Month TTC) 

So I started my period/chemical pregnancy bleeding on the 27th August 2018. This lasted for about 5-7 days I think. Hard to remember now as I tried to block out that memory because as I said it was an emotional and confusing time. Once the bleeding stopped Reece was ready to start trying again but every time I thought about 'baby dancing' I just got anxious as now I was scared to get pregnant in case something went wrong. This was my first ever experience in anything even close to a  miscarriage and it truly scared me. I feel so bad saying that because I know so many people who have gone through worse and to me this was almost like I just had my period but the thought that I may have been pregnant and then was no longer pregnant just scared me. What if it happened again, what if I miscarry when I'm further on, what if I have a still birth. I was frightened and did not want to have to deal with this but I did really want another child. I was getting angry with myself for physically being unable to 'baby dance' due to fear and anxiety. Reece of course was supportive as always and was just ready to try when I was ready. The ovulation tests were too stressful for me and so was even checking when I could possibly ovulating so that was also out the window, we decided to try care-free and if it happens it happens. We resumed 'baby dancing' 9th September. The ONLY day in September we had sex (important note). Our life got busy and I had put trying for a baby to the back of my mind. Knowing we had probably missed our fertile window and knowing we only tried once I was ready to get my period and face another month of trying but as symptoms built I started to think otherwise. 

List of symptoms

Symptoms were tricky to spot this time because I was still getting some of them from the month before- after having a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage you can continue to get symptoms for a while after. All September I was experiencing sore breasts and sickness. My emotions were high but due to this month being particularly bad for my anxiety and just having gone through a chemical pregnancy that's what I put this down to. The biggest symptom was a missed period.
I got to the 24th September (I was calculating my period to come every 4 weeks) and there was no period. However I was cramping so still awaiting the arrival of aunt flow not believing I could be pregnant. Another day past, more symptoms arose (breasts looking bigger, food aversions and cravings- I remember going for food with my sister and needing hot sauce which was a craving last pregnancy) and no period. Then another day, no period. And another. Reece was suspicious but was going by what I said so he even was not thinking I was pregnant. At this point we were also preparing to go on our honeymoon in the next few days so were so busy. Then, just to get it out the way and deal with the negative result that I thought I was going to get, I decided to test.

I'm Pregnant! 

That's right, September 27th 2018 (exactly a month after the bleeding started last month) in the Trinity centre bathroom with a pregnancy test bought from Superdrug I found out I was carrying baby number 2. The test line appeared IMMEDIATELY! I had never experienced such a fast result on a test before and I could not believe my eyes! So certain I was not pregnant that I had took a test in a public bathroom and there in front of my eyes was a positive pregnancy test! I immediately took a picture and showed it to Ella-Grace- who had no idea what I was talking about of course haha. Exclaiming to her that she would be a big sister! I was shocked and so happy! I could not wait to tell Reece. I had planned to tell him with a t-shirt I had bought for Ella-Grace the month before that said 'Totally Amazing Sister' on it but the t-shirt was at home and we were in town, literally minutes away from meeting Reece for lunch. There was no way I could keep it a secret all through lunch and wait till he got home to tell him so, when we met up at lunch I pretended I had bought Ella-Grace some new clothes and asked if he wanted to see it. He of course said yes, but instead of pulling out an item of clothing I took out a pregnancy test. I think Reece's words were 'You're pregnant? OMG Really?!" to which I obviously said yes and we hugged. He had the biggest smile on his face it was so sweet. Ella-Grace all the while was very confused and just wanted to go and get some food haha.

And after that goes into the first trimester which will be the next post so you will just have to wait for those details.

Summary of TTC experience...

Trying to conceive second time round proved to be very different to getting pregnant first time with Ella-Grace. It always would of been of course because no pregnancy or child is the same but also because circumstances and mindsets were totally different going into the TTC journey with baby 2. With Ella-Grace Reece and I had just discussed having children and were not actively trying although we were of the mind set that if we were to get pregnant that would be great. And so we did. Not really tracking it, it just happened somewhat unplanned but very much wanted! Where as this time round we had planned it down to the month we started trying and when we needed to baby dance. The chemical pregnancy threw a massive emotional spanner in the works but maybe that was meant to be in a way (I am not the type of person to say that usually but this kind of makes sense in my head), the month after we experienced a chemical pregnancy, my anxiety kicked in which forced us to take up a very similar approach to TTC to when we got pregnant with Ella-Grace ; if it happens, it happens. We did not want to put stress on us or over think it because we knew it could take a while. And it was when we took this attitude again much like the first time around we concieved baby number 2. I whole heartedly believe that when you stop thinking about it, that is when you get pregnant. I don't know if there is any scientific evidence to this or just a hunch but both times I found out I was pregnant was around the time I started thinking 'what happens, happens' and convincing myself I am probably not pregnant- how strange. Obviously different for everyone but just find it so fascinating that even though Reece and I were in two totally different places in life from when we conceived Ella-Grace to when we conceived baby 2, we still managed to conceive them in a similar way. Over all however I am so grateful that our TTC stories with both Ella-Grace and baby 2 have been short and although not at all times sweet, NOTHING compared to what others have gone through and are going through. We are very fortunate to be a fertile couple able to produce children easily, baby number two on the way and our family will be complete. I feel so lucky and undeserving to be in this position when so many others have been trying to start their family for a long time. Very thankful for my babies. Good luck to anyone who is TTC and no matter how you end up starting a family (naturally conceiving, IVF, adoption etc) it will be beautiful and they will be your children. There are all types of families and all have different stories, full support from me to all of you. 

Thank you for reading...

And breathe.. feel like I did a lot of talking (or should I say typing) especially in that last paragraph- just can't stress enough how grateful I am. Sorry if this was more of a chit chat type post rather than an informative l or helpful post. I just wanted to share with you my experience conceiving baby number 2 and that involves a lot of emotions that I can't really put into perfect grammar. If anyone would like a 'TTC tips' post that is more informative then please let me know. I am so happy to be on this journey again (even if the first trimester is not the most fun- more information on that in the next post) and thank you so much for reading. Double thank you for anyone who has been here long enough to read about us conceiving Ella-Grace and baby number 2! That would be almost 2 years of reading my posts and I am truly honoured you even care what I have to say and want to read about me and my life, thank you, thank you, thank you. Next up will be a post all about the first trimester, it has been eventful to say the least. You will all find out the details in due time. Now signing off another blog post from me, Reece, Ella-Grace AND baby 2....

Stay Happy Everyone :)!