Recovery is possible: Overcoming anxiety, panic attacks and other mental health issues.

Take a Deep Breath and here I go...

I can't believe I am writing this. For my whole life I have kept this very private, secret even (apart from the minor details) but it is in no way something I or others who experience this should be ashamed of so for that reason I am sharing my story and encourage others to do the same. Let us help each other and fight the stigma of mental illness.
As you can tell by the title of this blog post, today I will be writing about my anxiety and panic disorder as well as other issues that I have experienced through this. Some things I am going to write not even close family know, but I feel now I am of sound mind and my mental health is the best it has ever been it is time to tell my story to hopefully help others and as I have already mentioned, end this silly stigma surrounding mental illness. So here it is, a genuine and candid story of suffering and then recovering from mental illness.

Warning: This post goes into intense detail of my struggles with anxiety, panic attacks and more. If you feel this might upset you this post might not be for you, if this is the case please skip this post and check out one of my other ones that might interest you more. 

Public knowledge... 
I have Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This is public knowledge, I was diagnosed 2 years ago (although I have been suffering from it my entire life) and since then have not kept it a secret that I suffer from this and anyone who knows me personally has probably seen me in my bad times or at least had a discussion with me about this. For those who don't know much about Anxiety and Panic Disorder, the best way I can explain it to you from my experience is that I have CONSTANT anxiety and worry about everything, some being rational (this is the normal kind of anxiety) but a lot being irrational (this causing anxiety disorder). Because of this anxiety I have it causes me to have panic attacks, panic attacks for me start of with me being anxious about one thing then it builds up until I have a feeling of impending doom (like something terrible is going to happen) and that there is the peak of the panic attack where I start to either cry, pace, hyperventilate or sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I cant function, I just have to sit down and I can just about breath but that is it. Panic attacks can last for hours, luckily now I know signs and triggers so can easily diffuse one (usually) but a year or so ago it would be so bad I would end up in hospital or I would go to drastic measures to make it stop which brings me to my next point, the secrets.

My secrets are out...
So as I said anxiety and panic attacks are no secret of mine but the way I have dealt with them in the past or just how low I have got through my disorder I have kept secret from pretty much everyone, even family. Reece is the only person who knows everything until now so here it goes.  Since I was about 16 till about the end of 2015 I self-harmed. Just typing that is scary but as I've said these things should not have to be hidden and I refuse to hide it anymore. I don't really know where to start with this I have never told my whole story before to anyone but I'm going to try my best.
I started off light, I would break the blade out of my razor and just do little scratches, just one at first. I cant explain the reason except when you are having such bad anxiety and especially if it turns into a panic attack you will try anything to get it to stop and the best way to do this is distraction. Now I always tried to distract myself in other ways (watching TV, reading etc. ) but sometimes my anxiety, like a little mean voice in my head would take over and the only way I felt like I could shut that voice up and in a way punish myself for being a bad person (this was what my anxiety always convinced me of) was to inflict pain upon myself. And for that split second of pain, that voice would be gone as your mind is too busy focusing on the pain. But that's exactly the problem, it distracts you for a second and when that second is over that's it back to anxiety and panic and now you have the added stress of that little voice going "why did you do that?" "how are you going to hide it?" "Your such an idiot!" "Everyone is going to hate you". In this deep anxiety you can't think straight so your irrational thoughts convince you to cut again, cut deeper, then one cut turns into an arm full until your sitting there in pain, regretting it and by then you have bled and cried so much you just go to sleep. Now this progression from lightly making one scratch to cutting a lot happened gradually to start with but once I moved out and started going on nights out where alcohol was involved (which is a depressant in itself) is when it got really bad. Thankfully Reece stuck by me otherwise I don't know where I would be today.

The darkest time...
Just a warning again before you keep reading. If you cringed at the paragraph before this one or it is making you feel sad STOP READING!! I have written this so people can relate and hopefully myself and others wont feel so alone in this, I do not want hate or to cause anyone any sadness all I want is to tell my story and show others that there is light at the end of the tunnel so if you are here because you want to know there is light then please keep reading. This paragraph as I have said explains the darkest time in my life but it IS followed by recovery!
By 18 years old I had been self-harming on and off for about 2 years and I was now moved in with Reece. We had so many good times in the first flat we had, lots of laughs and fun, I loved living with Reece then and I still do now. But in between all these fun times I always had bad times usually when I was alone in the flat, multiple times Reece would come home to me crying, having a panic attack with cuts on my arms. He has always dealt with it so well so many times I expected him to leave or not be able to deal with it but he always stayed, not only that he looked after me and was always calm.
This again went on for a while, I would have a good, happy few weeks then plummet back down to depression. Then we moved flat to the one we are still in now and in November 2015 I had been signed off work due to being in and out of hospital for my anxiety and panic disorder (this being when I had finally been diagnosed). This was a very low time for me not mentioning the money trouble me and Reece got in due to me not working, I was now getting help for my anxiety and panic attacks in the form of medication and I was on a waiting list for counselling (3 month waiting list....) with all intentions of wanting to get better but then another wave of anxiety and panic happened one night, this worse than I had ever experienced. Reece was meant to be going out that night and I remember lying in bed thinking 'I cant do this' and 'No one cares about me' and then I swallowed a handful of my medication. The medication I was on being one that slows down your heartrate to stop panic attacks was highly dangerous if you took to many so I lay down expecting not to be here the next morning, then I don't remember much. I remember Reece talking to an someone on the phone (he had phoned an ambulance) and I remember the paramedics coming in and helping me down the stairs. I was taken to A&E where they did a number of tests and luckily I had taken enough to lower my blood pressure/heartrate significantly but with close monitoring of my heart over night and a talk with the psychiatrist the next day I was aloud to go home and advised to rest it off and try contacting the counselling again. After this scary incident I am sad to say I did the exact same thing a month later this time my body (thankfully) rejected the tablets and I spewed most of them back up, again meaning with close monitoring over night, a talk with the phychiatrist and my arms being bandaged up (as I had also severely self-harmed) I was again sent home. That being the lowest point of my anxiety but good news it went up from there.

Recovery and how I got there...
Now I know there is probably a lot of readers thinking 'she just did that for attention' and trust me I have heard it all before but do you know what.. YES! Yes I did it for attention but not the kind of attention you are thinking. I didn't want people to feel bad for me or give me sympathy, I wanted HELP! Yes at the time of taking the tablets I felt like I didn't want to be here anymore but part of me deep down wanted someone to save me, someone to help me. I felt like I needed to try to commit suicide so I would be taken to hospital so someone could help me, save me, someone could take away this horrible monster which is anxiety surely that's what happens if you are that depressed you want to die right? Unfortunately with me experience in the hospital/doctors I barely got a simple 'don't worry its going to be okay'.
'Here take some leaflets' 'Take more pills' 'Don't worry your on the waiting list for counselling...oh wait sorry you will have to apply again' this being the kind of things every single medical professional I spoke to said/ did for me. I was literally sitting there begging for them to help me and I would be sent home with a leaflet, more pills (that I had just overdosed on) and a promise that 'a counselor will contact you'. Now I am not bashing the NHS, the NHS is amazing and there are so many talented medical professionals helping/saving people every day but when it comes to Mental Health in my experience it is lacking, I felt worse after seeking help than I did before mainly because I still wasn't getting help after asking for it. At one point I was actually given a number for an organisation that I was told was going to 'help me a lot' if I gave it a call so I plucked up the courage to pick up the phone and to my disappointment the women on the phone told me that they were unable to help me unless I needed a home carer or residential care.. the irony being that I was now working as a carer so the fact that I was being asked if I needed a home carer was almost laughable. I felt so misunderstood and helpless. This is when I decided to change things on my own. I cut out caffiene, lowered my alcohol intake, started seeing friends/family more, reading more, really focusing on my triggers and learning to control them. On top of all this one of the biggest things I did was stop taking my medication- now this was discussed with a doctor and the decision was made to stop taking it as it made me feel worse and gave me the overdose temptation when I felt down, I am NOT recommending stopping your medication without professional help- this really helped me. So slowly but surely I was spending more time with Reece, family and friends, I stopped self-harming, I learned to deal with my anxiety, I recovered, I was happy. Then just as I was feeling my happiest, I found out I was pregnant with Ella-Grace (funny how life works) and since then right through my pregnancy and since having my beautiful baby girl I have been the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I LOVE MY LIFE! Yes, I have anxious times and yes I have had panic attacks especially when experiencing baby blues (which I have wrote about in my baby blues blog post) but oh my goodness I have never felt better. And being a mum although stressful, it has given me purpose, it has made me so so happy. My baby girl means everything to me and that I would of never had if I succumed to my demons. I am so thankful that I made it through to the otherside, HAPPY!

The people that saved me... 
Although I say I recovered myself really it was the support from so many people that got me through.

My friends:
 I have so many wonderful friends that helped me through my hard times but the two I would like to thank especially is two of my best friends Holly and Ellie, I seen them pretty much every week through my tough times and recovery and the support from them was amazing they reminded me every time I seen them that I was important and they loved me so much, so many nights out through my bad times I remember sitting for hours talking to them about my struggles and they would listen. With most of my friends living out of Aberdeen, having friends I could see often was what I needed. Charleigh and Keely, my two best friends who live out of Aberdeen were also a massive support even though most of the time it was over text, those text conversations were so vital in my recovery.

 


My family: 
My family still do not know to the extent my struggles unless they are reading this now which sounds crazy I know that they are finding out in writing but I have always been better getting things out when I write them than speaking and if that's what is best for me I hope they understand. Anyways even though they did not know a lot about my struggles they were still there, every visit to see my parents distracted me from my struggles and reminded me how much I would hurt these people if I wasn't here, how loved I am by my family is what always kept me strong.

Reece, Reece and Reece again:
WOW. There is nothing else I can say that would be able to explain how much he helped me except he is my hero. He saved me, he is the reason I am here. I can't count the amount of times he let me shout at him for no reason because I was having a panic attack that I couldn't control, he picked me up off the floor after crying so much I passed out, he cleaned and bandaged my cut arms, slept in hospital waiting rooms because he didn't want to leave me or stayed up all night even if he had work the next day because I couldn't sleep because of stress. People say love is dead, this is love. Putting up with every breakdown and never even coming close to breaking his calm vibe, never coming close to leaving. He always stayed. He always cuddled me even when I told him to get off-which I never meant. Everytime I said I don't want to be in this world anymore he would pull me out of that dark place with tears in his eyes telling me how important I am and how loved I was. This is movie love, I owe him my life. Reece if I don't tell you enough I adore you, I love you.

(by my hospital bed all day)

A message to readers....

So that's my story and with a tear in my eye I end it here. Before I finish though I would like to say to anyone struggling with demons as I did, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! I know that can go in one ear and out the other but please please listen to me you are loved, you are important and i know you feel horrible now but I hope my story shows you that it can better! I went from the darkest place, wanting to leave this world to becoming a mother and soon to be wife with a wonderful future ahead of me, I would never of experienced that if I wasn't here, I wouldn't of had my daughter, I wouldn't be getting married, I wouldn't have a future and I am SO thankful I do. The future is bright I promise. I hope this story encourages you to reach out to a doctor, a family member, a friend or even a pet if that's the only way you can get your feelings out. Even if you write it out like this first. Please, please get help even message me, my Facebook page is tagged on my blog page I will find the time to talk to you. Just don't give up. I will be doing a tips on dealing with anxiety and panic attacks soon maybe that will help. I know this final message is a bit all over the place but I just really don't want anyone to think they are alone they are not. So yeah I guess I should end this here and as I publish this post I am ready for the judgement, the confusion from family and maybe even some hate. But if there is one soul in that sea of judgement I helped with this post it will have been all worth it. Getting this all out has took a weight off my shoulders also which feels amazing. Leave some feedback in the comments, if your comfortable maybe even tell me about your recovery? Always happy to hear from my readers, till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

 

How to start a blog

Another requested blog post....
Hello again readers! I hope everyone is doing well. When I posted on my social media asking what you guys would like me to write about I was overwhelmed with the response, so I am trying to work my way through each request this bringing me to today's blog post. 'How to start a blog'. This was requested by a reader who wanted to start a blog but didn't know how, I hope this helps. I am going to put down the steps that I went through when starting a blog, you obviously don't have to do them in this order or even this way (I am still new to blogging remember) but this is the way I went about starting 'LauraJane Life'. Enjoy!

Step 1: Research blogs/What do you want to blog about 
When starting a blog most likely you will already have an idea what you want to post: photography, beauty, lifestyle, reviews and more are all things a lot of people choose to blog about. So with me the first step was deciding I wanted to start a blog, knowing I wanted to write about being a new mum, my lifestyle and opinions (basically just an online diary for me to be honest I didn't expect others to like it so much). If you don't really have an idea what you want to blog about then you could always research other blogs for ideas and inspiration. Some people at this point may think of a title for their blog page, I personally didn't until the next step (took me forever) but feel free to do that first. So when you have your idea and know roughly what you want to blog about it's time to move to the next step.

Step 2: What site to use to set up your blog page/setting up your page 
There are multiple different sites you can use to set up your blog page, the two well known and most used ones being Blog spot (being the one I use) and Wordpress. Both these sites as far as I am aware are free, some other sites you may have to pay to set up your blog so be careful when signing up if you do not wish to pay to start your blog, remember to read the t&c. I chose Blog spot after watching a very old video on You Tube of 'Zoella' and 'Sprinkle of Glitter' in which they said they used Blog spot and that it was very simple to use and set up, being a massive fan of 'Zoella' of course I used the same platform as her. But yeah it's been a few months since I started my blog now so I can't remember every detail about setting my blog up but I remember you make an account (email and password) then the website takes you through each step including title, tag line, layout, pictures etc. with very clear instruction. Very simple and quick and obviously I enjoy using this platform so I would recommend this one but feel free to try others I just can't give advice on those, sorry.

Step 3: Write your first blog post 
I decided to write my first blog post before setting it up on social media etc because when I set up my Facebook page I wanted to have a blog post to post with it so it wasn't just a blank page (also I already had an Instagram and I just used the same one for my blog). I personally decided to write an introduction to my blog and myself, I felt this would invite people into my blog page and hopefully make people want to read what would come next (luckily worked for me). But you might want to jump right in and write a blog post about your chosen topic without an introduction, as I've said it is totally up to you this is just how I've done it. So write your blog post- it may take a while as it is your first one- proof read, add labels (words that link to your blog post so if people search one of those words your blog may come up), your location (if you want) and some picture. Preview it then publish! Now you are a blogger!

Step 4: Let people know about your blog through Social Media 
After I posted my first blog post I posted it on my personal blog page, a lot of my friends liked it, shared it and followed my page this prompting me to make an actual Facebook page for my blog which is what I did next (Facebook again gives you a step by step guide in making a page). I then posted this on the Facebook page and then again on my public Instagram. I personally don't have twitter but that would also be another form of social media that you might decide to use to promote your blog. And with any luck your blog will hopefully pick up!

More Tips...

- Hashtags are your best friends: they bring more people to your post therefore more views.
-Blog often (if possible)- the more you blog the more attention your blog gets.
-If you can't blog for a while make sure your readers know, post something on social media to keep them around.
-Writers block? Read other blogs or ask readers for ideas!
-Keep your layout up to date and interesting!
-Promote, promote, promote! Always post your blog posts on your social media, ask your friends to read and share, tell people face to face about your blog! You can also pay for advertisements but that is up to you if you want to start paying for promotion.

And after all this (if your aiming to be a paid blogger) your page will hopefully get enough views for you to be accepted by google adsense-which I just have been yay!- where you can have adverts on your page and the more clicks the more money you get, but that takes time so be patient! As amazing as it is to be paid to blog,  you have to not be blogging just for the money in my opinion, you have to enjoy it that way your readers will to! Your enjoyment will spread to your writing!

Hope that helps....
I hope that helped and if you are going to start a blog please leave a link in the comments or a usual any feedback! Good luck blogging fellow loggers and for those who enjoy being the readers not the writers I hope you continue to enjoy my blogs! Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

Mum Truths: Being a Mum but still being Me

Let me explain...
Hi readers!! I couldn't come up with a title to this blog that I felt explained well enough what I am going to write about so I am going to explain. When you become a mum that is fully what you are 24/7 a mum, everything is about the baby and you are mum. This being one of the biggest honors in the world, being able to be a mother is a privilege but at the same time you still are you, your still a person aside from your baby and sometimes this get's lost and mothers (and fathers I am sure experience this too) can feel guilty when feeling upset that by having a baby they don't feel themselves anymore. This is a feeling a lot of mums get including myself and not something to feel guilty about, so today that is what I am writing about. Keeping your sense of self/identity and having me time.

There is no shame....
Why the guilt? Why the shame? This should not exist. Having a baby is amazing and rewarding and as I said in the previous paragraph being a mother is something to be thankful for as not everyone gets this amazing opportunity. But people must remember that before a mum became a mum, they were just their own person with dreams, hobbies and opinions. All these things are still there when a woman becomes a mum but it can sometimes get lost and its okay to want that sense of self and time to be you away from your baby. In fact in my opinion this shows how much of an amazing mum you are, I myself want to show my daughter my dreams, my opinions and my hobbies. I want to show her that Mummy has a strong sense of self and on top of being your mum has goals of her own. Having a desire to find yourself again after having a baby doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human.

My experience...
I have always valued my independence and my ambitious nature. Since I was younger I have always had goals, dreams that I wanted to reach. Strong opinions and hobbies that I could list for anyone that asked. When I became a mum as much of a gift that was after a few weeks I did realise that I was feeling a bit lost. I adored my baby and being a mum had changed my life for the better definetley but I felt like if someone asked me my hobbies I wouldn't be able to answer or if someone said what's your goals in life I would be stuck for words. My blog really helped me as this was something that was mine but even most of my blog posts are about me as a mum for other mums and sometimes I would go weeks without posting. And as a lot of other mums do, I felt guilty for wanting my sense of self back, felt guilty for wanting to have me time to be that ambitious 20 year old I was and still deep down am.
Even though this was a concern for me to honest until recently I didn't have time to deal with it. Obviously Ella-Grace is my top priority and I was, still am adjusting to being a new mum. Some days I struggled to have a shower while Ella-Grace is napping let alone have some me time and find my identity again.

One step at a time...
The past few weeks as Ella-Grace has gotten a bit more independent (happy to sit or play for a while without my constant attention) and she has been a lot better when she is with Reece when I'm not there, I have managed to fit in me time. I started with just taking long baths which I have always loved to do (especially with a LUSH bathbomb, YES!) then I started to blog a bit more frequently, started exercising again, joined a creative writing class and as of yesterday I have officially applied to do my degree ( English Literature and Creative Writing) through Open University starting in October- this being something I have always aspired to do, get a degree. Obviously I didn't jump from having a long bath to Open University overnight, I had been thinking about applying since I was pregnant I just had lost that ambition being so focused on being the best mum I could be.

Why I don't feel guilty...
I have explained this a bit already but to make it personal to me, I did not feel guilt because I do everything I do not only for myself but for my daughter. I want to show her that you can do anything you put your mind to, you can be a mum and also get a degree (something many people tell you is impossible). I want to show her that you can look after your family and enjoy me time. I want her to know it is okay to think about yourself and that looking after your self physically AND mentally is good for not only yourself but the people you care about to. You can do your best when you are feeling your best and it is okay to make sure of that. A lot of mums and dads reading this might have different ambitions to me, they might not care about a degree and want to stay home with their children which is amazing! My point is you are showing your children that you know who you are, you make your own choices in your life and you look after yourself as well as others. This being a very, very important lesson to children and will in my opinion be key to their confidence and happiness in later life. I want my daughter to have a strong sense of self and never feel guilty about loving and taking care of her own needs, something society seems to make us feel bad about which is why this is so vital.

Hi I am....
So to conclude... Hi, I am LauraJane Bethune (soon to be Webster) I am 20 years old, engaged and have a daughter called Ella-Grace who is 3 months old. My hobbies are reading, writing and socialising. My goals are to get my English Literature and Creative writing degree and hopefully get a well paid job from this, I aim to be a good mum to Ella-Grace (and maybe another baby one day),get married to Reece, hopefully move to Edinburgh one day with my little family, go abroad with Reece and Ella-Grace for the first time and hopefully get rid of some baby weight (although not top on my list). I have strong opinions on equality and feel that my best qualities are being open-minded, kind and ambitious. I struggle with anxiety and can be a bit of a control-freak but I work on this everyday.
That's me and I am thankful I know who I am and as I have already said, I can show my daughter that this is important. I hope all you readers, anyone who might feel a bit lost finds your sense of self soon or even just finds a hobby they can do once a week that is a baby step. Comment below who you are? What are your hobbies, goals or opinions? I love to read your comments and feedback! Till next time readers (which will be very soon, I am super prepared this week haha)

Stay Happy Everyone :)! 

One for the Dads. Happy Father's Day!

One for the Dads...

Working Dads, Stay-at-home Dads, Step-Dads, Dads who have adopted, New Dads, Grandads, Great-Grandads, Experienced Dads, Single Dads... To All the Dads in the world; HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! 

The role of a Dad is so vital and in my eyes just as important as the Mum's role but for some reason it often gets over looked or put down, but today it's all about you guys! This one is for all of you great dads in the world, your all doing a great job well done!

The Dads in my life.... 

My Dad... 

My dad is annoying, cheesy and has embarrassed me multiple times but I wouldn't change him for the world. We have had our fair share of arguments (especially when I lived at home) but his strength, confidence and selflessness is something I have always admired. I am lucky enough to have my mum and dad still together (a rare thing nowadays) and I have never seen my Dad treat my Mum with anything but respect and love from this I always knew if I were ever to be in a relationship with someone I knew how I should be treated and how I should treat them, with only respect and love. So when I met Reece and he treated me the same way I had seen my Dad treat my Mum I knew I had a keeper. No matter how much pain my dad is in he will offer to cook you something or carry your bag, no matter how little money he may have he is constantly trying to pay for things for you or make sure you have everything you need. Not to mention his cooking is THE BEST and he is an amazing grandparent to Ella-Grace (even if he can't cope with her crying haha), she loves her Pops! My Dad and I have totally different opinions on things and sometimes he really winds me up but his heart is good and I am lucky to call him Dad. So Dad, Happy Fathers Day sorry I cant be there today but me, Reece and Ella-Grace will see you very soon.

Reece's First Father's Day...

Happy First Father's Day Reece! Since the day I met you, you have respected, loved and empowered me in our relationship and now as our baby girl grows you will- as my dad did- show her how she should be treated and as you have me, you will love and empower her to do what she wants in life, I couldn't ask for a better Dad for our little girl and she just adores you in every way. Everytime you come home from work her little face lights up and it melts my heart! I have no idea how we got so lucky to have you, WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Sorry for the cheesiness readers but I mean every word of it. I have always my independence and never agreed with partners telling each other what to wear, what to do etc. and you have not only empowered my independence but also defended it in situations where people stereotyped our relationship (for example me being only aloud to do something when you tell me to, you would always defend me/back me up and say I make my own decisions). This being something I have always appreciated through out our relationship and what made me fall in love with you, the fact that Ella-Grace has a dad who will empower her independence and encourage her to follow her dreams means so much to me and is all I could ever want for our daughter. I could go on and on about what an amazing person/ dad you are, about how hardworking, kind, funny and what a hands-on dad you are but I would probably write a novel haha. Actions speak louder than words and right at this moment you've not long come home from work and you go straight to Ella-Grace, that says it all.

Why I am who I am....
I owe so much of the person I am today to these two men, so thank you again for being amazing, helping/supporting me and if I haven't said it enough already, Happy Fathers Day!!!

Dads all over the world....
As I said at the start this is to all the Dad's of the world, all shapes, sizes, all different parenting styles. Dad's are so important and so much of the time aren't mentioned unless its a joke about what Dad's do wrong which in my opinion isnt good enough. So today Dad's I'm writing to say Well done for the amazing job your doing not only looking after your children but also supporting your partners or maybe doing it on your own. There are so many different types of Dad's is hard to include them all but to all the different Dad's and all the different parenting styles you may have, Happy Father's Day!

Just a short one....
That's all really, just a quick post for Fathers Day. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a Dad or some Dad's may have sadly past so please make sure you say Happy Fathers Day to your Dad, Grandad, Step Dad or Dad's today, also (not to take away from dads but i think this is important to recognise) if you have a single mum, who'd doing it alone make sure you say Happy Fathers day to her too! Thank you for reading, why not leave a little comment telling me about your Dad or what you did for Fathers day this year? Till next time.

Stay Happy Everyone:)!

Ella-Grace : 3 Month Update!!

Tell them about yourself...

"Hi, My name is Ella-Grace Angela Webster! I am 3 months old and have grown/changed a lot since I was born. Mummy looks after me everyday, we have lots of fun singing songs, playing with toys and going on walks. Daddy comes home every night and is off 2 days a week, he is the best at bath time and makes me laugh when he reads me stories. I am growing very big and don't fit into my 0-3 month clothes anymore, Mummy just switched my clothes round to bigger sizes and I am now in size 3 nappies. My favourite things to do are listen to stories, sing songs, nap, have a bath, eat and I am very chatty especially to Mummy and Daddy. I don't like lying down I prefer to sit in my chair, I don't like when my hands or feet are covered I'm always kicking the blanket off me when mummy puts it on me and I especially don't like getting dressed, I prefer to be naked haha! I have learnt lots of new things since I was born and I am currently working on reaching my feet, they look so fun to play with! And that's all from me I think, Mummy will tell you more"

Where has the time gone....

Time really flies when you are having fun... or changing nappies, feeding the baby and all the other things you have to do as a parent. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful daughter and I have enjoyed her first three months so much, watching her grow is amazing but as most mums and dads I'm sure would agree part of me wishes she would slow down and stay my tiny baby for a bit longer!
The other day I put up a post asking for suggestions on what I could write about in my blog, I had many wonderful ideas and thank you so much readers for that I will be taking all of your thoughts on board. One of the things asked for was updates on Ella-Grace (which I am going to do ever three months) so here is her first update at 3 months old. Enjoy.


Feeding...
Since my breastfeeding post a lot has changed with Ella-Grace's feeding (if you would like to know more on my experience please go to my Mum Truths:Breastfeeding blog post). To slightly recap, Ella-Grace is lactose intolerant and even when I cut out dairy she was not keeping my breast milk down, because of this I had to change to bottle feeding her at 2 months. I loved breastfeeding Ella-Grace and really tried getting her back into it but after having bottles she was getting confused, my supply had dropped significantly despite pumping as often as I could and as I said the breast milk unsettled her tummy so to my disappointment I had to stop breastfeeding. I struggled with this as I really wanted to breastfeed her till at least 6 months and I felt like I had failed but as a very wise friend said to me "Fed is best!", to be honest as well she is a lot more settled on the formula and can digest it a lot better. For those interested we get 'Aptimil Lacto-free formula' on prescription for Ella-Grace (luckily as the formula is expensive and in quite small tins compared to average formula). Bringing it back to her update for 3 months she is currently getting 180ml of formula every 3-4 hours. That's all there really is to say on feeding (I will be going into more detail about switching to bottle feeding in a separate blog post as requested).

Sleeping...
Sorry to all the exhausted parents out there who's baby is up all night but Ella-Grace sleeps pretty much all night (still in our bedroom in her swinging cot) depending on what time we put her down, how much she has napped through the day and so on. Our routine with her at the moment is when Reece comes home from work around 7pm he has his supper then we bath her (two days a week), put her in her pjs, read a story then put her to bed with her toy giraffe (cannot forget that giraffe haha) and her dummy. Often she can take a while to settle because she spits her dummy out or rubs her eyes so much she wakes herself up but once she is out she sleeps pretty much all night, the most she will get up is once at about 2am for a bottle then back to sleep. The only worry we have when she is sleeping is the risk of cot death, my brother died when he was a baby of cot death which can mean she has an increased risk but we take all the necessary precautions and have a special alarm to monitor her breathing levels so thankfully she is fine, healthy and we don't need to stress too much. We are so lucky and as I said for the parents who are struggling with sleep I apologise and hope you can get some sleep very soon!

Teething...
Ella-Grace has only just started teething so not much to say about that yet, its a bit of a struggle as she has not quite yet got the co-ordination to hold a teething toy in her mouth so we are having to hold it there for her to chew then she will decide she wants her dummy to suck on instead and then switch again (can be a long process to get her settled). Apart from that and the excessive drooling we haven't had to give her any teething gel or anything like that yet but I know its on its way! Wish us luck, better get ordering those amber beeds I hear they work wonders.

Development...
Oh my goodness I am so proud of our little girls development! This is not to show off or put anyone else's baby down if they have not done some of these things yet- all babies are diffeent and develop at different stages/times- just giving an honest update on how Ella-Grace is getting on and thankfully she is developing well. So far she has laughed, smiled, can roll over from her stomach to her back (not quite mastered the back to belly roll yet, gets stuck on her side), she can grab things, hold her head up and is trying ALREADY to stand! I look at her every day and just think wow she has come so far from that tiny baby in the hospital and I couldn't be prouder. There are things we need to work on with her for example holding toys, messy play, sitting up etc. but all this will come in due time and I know that babies should meet certain milestones by certain ages but in my opinion she will do things when she is ready and able. But yeah at 3 months they are the things that she has developed so far.

Bonding...
As I have said in my previous blog posts I have thankfully had a very strong bond with Ella-Grace since she was born which has helped me through the stressful times in being a new mum, every day I love her more and more. It's hard to describe the bond with your child to someone who hasn't had children but for any of my readers who dont have children and want to know what the bond is like the best way I can describe the bond between me and my baby girl is that it's like we are one person, from the day she was born I have been with her and she has been with me and I feel like we are just one person or unit hence why it is so hard to leave her with someone even her Dad, we are inseparable and I love that. I realise that sounds a bit strange but that's the truth. She is my bestfriend, my little buddy for life. Especially with my anxiety I used to have panic attacks whenever I was alone but now I always have her by my side and I am obviously always busy so she has thankfully made my anxiety better in some ways, making our bond even bigger cause I feel I need her just as much as she needs me.

As for Reece the bond from birth wasn't as strong as mine was with her- which is common for Dad's as they are usually the one's at work, not the main caregivers- but it was always there. Over these past few months they have grew closer and she is gradually becoming more of a Daddy's girl (smiling when he comes home from work, wanting to go to him, letting him put her down to sleep). This gradual bond that they have gained over the past few weeks is in some ways even more special than our instant connection cause I feel that she has learned to love him and appreciates his presence a lot more than mine because I'm mum, here everyday where as she can miss him. This is not me being negative about our bond at all of course I love that she can rely on me to be there everyday, I just think its special that she has a different kind of bond with Daddy.

 We both love her very, very much and we are very fortunate to have a strong family bond.

Allergies and more...
Reece (Ella-Grace's daddy and my fiance) has a list of allergies (allergic to animal hair, hayfever, eczema) and on top of that he has asthma. Ella-Grace - not to our surprise- has developed hayfever, eczema and possibly (still unsure but it is likely) an allergy to animal hair. This on top of her lactose intolerance and reflux/constipation makes things a little difficult and we are constantly checking her breathing ect. as she has a risk of asthma. Luckily none of these allergies have severely bothered her as of yet and we have medicine to help with her constipation (Lactoloose) which she gets every night. As a parent your are constantly worried your child gets ill or hurt so her having these conditions does put me a big on edge but she has always been a little fighter and like her Mama wont let anything put her down. A very strong little lady we are bringing up and I love that about her. There is always the hope she will grow out of some of these allergies so we will just have to wait and see in the next update if they have improved.

Hopes and fears for the next three months... 
I hope for the next few months that Ella-Grace has continuing health and her development continues to go well. To be more specific I am hoping to try her with her first proper food and hopefully learn to sit up but as I said earlier I just want her to go at her own pace and she will do things when she is ready.
I am keeping positive about the future but as a parent you always worry. Ella-Grace has her second set of jabs coming up and she got quite ill the last time so I am a bit scared about that and also teething I am scared she will be very unsettled by and it might interrupt her sleep pattern. Hate seeing her in pain and my anxiety always is at it's peak if she is ever in distress so any kind of shake in her routine always gives me a bit of nerves but we will get through it.

Thank you for reading...
So that is Ella-Grace's 3 month update I hope you enjoyed reading, learnt a little bit about my daughter and maybe related to some of the things going on with her. As always please leave feedback, advice or maybe tell me how your baby is getting on? in the comments I love to read them. Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

Mum Truths: Post- Pregnancy Body Image

2nd Blog post this week wow....

Hello again beautiful readers and welcome to the SECOND blog post this week (thanks to Ella-Grace having a long nap right now). So since having Ella-Grace I have been watching a lot of morning TV including Loose Women, this is a show I only usually watch occasionally but these past few weeks they have started a campaign which they have called 'Loose Women: Body Stories' and  today I will be telling mine. My Body Story and to be more specific be talking about Post-Pregnancy Body Image and as always a genuine view on how I've felt about my body since my baby was born. Hope you enjoy reading!

Before Baby Girl...
So before I was pregnant I was relatively happy with my body. I have always been around a size UK 10- 12 and as most people I go through stages of "I'm going to go to the gym and tone up" which never seems to happen and I end up with the usual attitude of "I don't care what other people think I'm happy the way I am". So overall before I was pregnant I never really thought about 'body image' that much I mean I would have anxious times about it but of all the things my anxiety usually effects this wasn't a major one (thankfully). I would go out in town with my friends as wear whatever I wanted as anyone should do- crop tops, skirts, tight dresses.. all these things I was confident to wear. Then I got pregnant and I couldn't see it at the time but now when I look back at photos of me with a bump I always think, wow I looked really nice! I loved showing off my bump so was still able to wear a variation of what I did before to show off the bump (maybe not the crop tops but you know what I mean haha). All this mostly positive image, after baby things changed.

What is my body...
So after having half my body numbed, not being able to walk because of the pain of the c-section and you know the massive responsibility of looking after a new born baby, the way my body looked wasn't the first thing on my mind in fact it wasn't on my mind. A few days later however I just remember getting out the shower and looking in the mirror at my body for the first time, my once perfect baby bump that was holding my precious little girl was an empty, now useless lump of flesh. Being very honest here as always because otherwise whats the point, my belly was sagging - something I had never experienced before- I don't know what I was expecting it to look like to be honest but it wasn't this. So this even though a shock didn't immediately make me upset and I went and carried on with my day. Later on (not sure if the same day or few days later) I asked Reece to look at my c-section scar just to make sure it was doing okay. Lifting up my top I waited for him to tell me what it looked like... silence... "Em babe I need you to lift your baby skin a bit", oh goodness that was a bit awkward. I mean as sweet as Reece was calling it baby skin instead of the many other not so nice options he had, hearing your fiance ask you to lift your belly doesn't exactly make you feel beautiful.
Even after this awkward encounter I wasn't feeling too bad about it, as I explained in my other blog post on baby blues the first two weeks were full of bonding with my baby and dealing with baby blues not thinking about the way I look,
Weeks had now past, Ella-Grace was almost a month old and I had started to notice little things. The sag of my belly you could see when wearing leggings and I had to wear long tops to hide it, the majority of my wardrobe was full of clothes that I couldn't wear, even maternity stuff just made me look either fat or about 6 months pregnant which was not the look I was going for. The fact that I didn't really know my body or how to dress it anymore was starting to get to me.

Tears in Primark...
Ella-Grace now over a month old, Reece being his usual lovely self he came home with a bunch of roses and asked me if I wanted to go on a date (He's a keeper) to which I obviously said yes. It had been organised for my sister to babysit for us and we were going to go for our first meal out since having our daughter. Although anxious about leaving Ella-Grace for the first time I was excited to have a night that I could dress up and spend some one on one time with my fiance. A few days before Reece, Ella-Grace and I went into town for lunch and Reece offered to buy me an outfit for our date as he knew I was having trouble fitting into my pre-pregnancy wardrobe. 10 mins looking round Primark and I told Reece I just wanted to go home, he tried to get me to stay but as tears built into my eyes he knew it was time to go. I'm not sure what exactly triggered my mini breakdown but I just remember looking at all the clothes I liked and thinking I can't wear that and feeling like I had to just find the baggiest thing possible which of course I didn't like. I felt like the style I liked and had always worn I would have to change and I was no longer able to be me in a way. Being a mum is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me but I still have an identity away from my baby and I felt like that had been stripped away from me.
All this sounds silly now I'm saying it considered it had only been like 4 weeks and it was just clothes but that's how I felt in that moment. I didn't speak the whole way home, poor Reece must of been so confused. (Despite this I would like to say I did end up finding an outfit and we had a lovely date night- picture below).

First night out and Confidence Building... 
So for a few more weeks I felt quite crappy about my body and no matter how many times people said "You look great" or how many times Reece insisted "Your sexy" I was still down about the way I looked and my vast reduction in clothing choices- baggy or nothing that's it. Then a few weeks ago I had my first night out and again a few day s before I braved the shops- this time on my own as Reece had some daddy , daughter time with Ella-Grace- it took me 3 hours and a lot of trying on things (the shop assistants must of thought I was mad)  but I found an outfit, When the night out came and I had the chance to get dolled up and re-discover my carefree 20 year old self for a few hours I was feeling a lot more body confident and within a few hours I just wanted home to my baby girl so I went home very early but with a newly found sense of body confidence. I scrubbed up well considering my saggy baby skin haha.
(Picture Below)

I Love my Mum Bod.... 
Yes, I am eating healthy (as best I can) and just starting to workout again but I love my Mum Bod and with Ella-Grace being my main priority getting a Kim Kardashian figure is not top on my to-do list. After getting all dressed up I really put things into perspective. I JUST HAD A BABY! Of course your body is going to change, it just grew a human being in it and my sagging skin and stretch marks are not something to cry about they are to be celebrated, they are something I should be proud and privileged to have. Because of this change to my body I got my beautiful daughter. Yes of course I sometimes it still bothers me but over all my body confidence has vastly improved.

Stop Comparing yourself...
Now referring back to the stimulus for this blog post- Loose women Body Stories. This was my Body Story, as for all your body stories I hope they all end with you feeling confident in yourself. Feel too fat, too thin, ugly, spotty, too tall. too short, one leg, heck if you are green skinned with eight eyes YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! There is only one of you, work it and be confident. As a society we are diseased with comparing ourselves to others, don't do it, you are you and that is amazing and I can guarantee you might be comparing yourself to someone else thinking they are prettier or thinner ect. but I bet they are also comparing themselves with someone else too- its a vicious cycle that must stop. Find something you love about yourself and focus on that and as for the mums like me who might feel like they are losing themselves in their role of being a mum.. 5 minutes.. find 5 minutes to do your make up or hair or whatever makes you feel like you look on fleek and you will feel so much better.

And that's another post finished... 
Thanks for reading hope you enjoyed it and it maybe was something you could relate to, please feel free to comment what was your post-pregnancy body experience? What is your body story?
Before I go (I can hear Ella-Grace stirring think its feeding time) if you haven't seen the Loose Women: Body Stories its worth a look- a very positive campaign which I think is needed and also speaking of body confidence why not make someones day and give someone a compliment tomorrow, today, within the hour whenever- it might just give someone that boost they need to be confident and go from body conscious to body confident. Till next time readers.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!

  

Confidently taking Baby Out: Mission Accomplished!

Its been a while....
Hello readers or should I say strangers now? Again its been probably about 3 weeks since I last blogged (#mumlife) sorry about that but I promise I have been working on a lot of blog posts, I just want to make each one perfect! I will be uploading two blog posts this week and I have one I'm hoping will be up by next week so I hope this will make up for my tardiness.

Whats this weeks topic....
This past week I have been taking Ella-Grace out a lot, I've been into the busy town centre almost every day in fact and I finally feel I am confident taking my baby girl out! I don't know on average how long it takes to get this confidence as a mother but for me it took about 10 weeks for me to feel fully confident taking her out by myself without stressing every second!
So this weeks topic is just some handy tips that I found useful when taking Ella-Grace out and I hope they will give you new mums and dads out there some help and you will feel confident taking your little ones out too!

These might not work for everyone...
Before I start handing out my top tips I would just like to say what has worked for my bundle of joy might not work for yours. Every baby, every person is different and different strategies, tips and techniques will work for different parents so my tips are not necessarily going to work for you and your baby but there is no harm in trying or even just reading to compare tips! Also I am by no means a parenting expert and don't claim to be the perfect mum who's got it all together, frankly I don't think anyone can say they are perfect at parenting its a continuous journey of trial and error in my opinion. I might be confident in taking my baby out this week but next week she could be screaming in the middle of Primark and I would return home with my confidence wavered, you never know. But even if I do lose confidence again in taking her out these tips I'm about to share are what would gain my confidence back and help me get out with Ella-Grace again. So here we go, my top tips to getting out and about with your baby.

TOP TIPS!....

Tip 1: EXTRA EVERYTHING!
Babies are unpredictable. You think they wont need fed then they are hungry, you just change their nappy they poop everywhere, you've burped them a thousand times then they are sick all over their clothes. You never know what they will do! So my advice bring extra nappies, clothes, wipes, bibs, breast pads, formula... whatever your baby needs bring 10x more of that (10x more might be a bit over-exaggerating but you get the idea). Some people might think this is over cautious but in my experience less is most definitely not more. 

Tip 2: START SMALL
I touched on this tip in my Baby Blues blog post a few weeks ago (if you've not read it why not check it out after this one) don't make your first outing to the busiest shopping centre or to a big event, start small and work your way up. Go for a walk to your local shop, go to s close by baby group, just sit outside in the garden with your baby if that's all you find comfortable at the moment. Small steps to big achievements. By all means though if your the type of person who just wants to jump into the deep end with a busy first outing and thinks that will work for you GO FOR IT! But for my building up to the busy town trips especially alone was the way that worked best for me. 

Tip 3: SET GOALS
Similar to the previous tip with starting small, set yourself trip goals. When I was suffering with baby blues staying inside made me crazy but going out with my new baby seemed like the scariest thing in the world! So I decided to write down places I wanted to be able to take Ella-Grace, goals I wanted to meet and each time I would go somewhere with her I would tick it off. I am proud to say most of the places on the list are ticked off and seeing that makes me feel accomplished and more confident. Definitely worth a go to boost your baby outing confidence. 

Tip 4: HAVE COMPANY 
Going out alone for me was the most daunting part, Reece always was my calming influence when I was stressed so his support in the first few weeks was essential to me. So for the first few outings go with your partner, mum, dad, sibling, anyone who you feel supported by it will make things easier and take some weight off your shoulders. Then when you feel ready try going to these places yourself and if it doesn't work out try again with some support and then again yourself eventually you will feel more confident. 





Tip 5: FAMILY FRIENDLY 

A very good tip I found was to go to family friendly places. Baby groups, children's library sessions, messy play, family restaurants, family swimming slots (haven't been to this one yet but soon hopefully!). By going to family or baby friendly places you will often be with people in the same boat as you or at least at these places the people are a lot more understanding or accepting that your baby is crying or that your pram takes up loads of space. Nowadays most places are family friendly and I have been pleasantly surprised to see that most people respond kindly when your having trouble, even offering to help you in any way they can (faith in humanity restored) so it shouldn't be hard to find somewhere suitable for you and your little one. This again will boost your confidence and who knows you might make some new friends, bond over your babies/children which brings me to my next tip.


Tip 6: SAY HI TO ANOTHER PARENT
This is easiest at a baby group or setting where you are there to mingle with other babies and their parents. By speaking to another person in the same boat as you it will make you feel more comfortable and you can bond over the difficulties of parenting maybe even laugh about it. If you are lucky you will make a friend and you and your babies might be able to go out together, linking to tip 4 'HAVE COMPANY'. This I have found very helpful and recently I have been on a walk with a friend I met in baby group and into town shopping with another new mum I know and trust me don't worry about running out of things to talk about babies give you endless reasons for discussion. 

Tip 6: DON'T OVERTHINK
A difficult one especially if you suffer from anxiety like me but don't overthink or give into fear would be my TOP TIP! Before each new outing with Ella-Grace I would sit and think what if this happens or what if that happens.. it does NO good at all! As difficult as it sounds don't let that fear stop you from going as I guarantee you 9 times out of 10 the actual outing is not as scary or horrible as you have made it in your head. In fact in my experience whats in your head is totally wrong! People are nice and understanding, baby doesn't scream the place down and you don't have a breakdown. In fact most of the time I realized it was actually g=fun and so, so good to get out with my baby in fact now I prefer being out with her than staying at home she seems more content. 

Hope that was helpful....
Those were my top tips for gaining confidence when taking baby out, I hope one of you readers get s some use out of these tips! Please let me know in the comments if you do try any of these out or if you have any other tips that might be useful to me, I am always looking for more tips! Thank you so much for reading it is appreciated as always! It is now 4am I will be posting this later on today but for now i better join my fiance and baby in the bedroom and try and get some sleep before its feeding time for baby. See you again on here very soon readers, I promise it wont be 3 weeks.

Stay Happy Everyone :)!